I don't know where my life is going...

Old 01-31-2013, 02:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Apr 2012
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I don't know where my life is going...

I am writing because I feel like if I don't get this out, I'm going to explode today. My AH got a new puppy and of course, I'm the one left to take care of him while he's working (because I don't have enough to do working from home and raising an 18-month and 5-year old). Frustrating day.

Anyway...my husband is a binge-drinker. His binges, which come every six months or so, always create a crisis for our family. He is an awful drunk - emotional, sometimes aggressive, and the last few times he's drank, he's wound up in trouble with the law. He got his first DUI last month after having gone six months without any incidents. He had dinner w/a doctor he works for and the doctor broke out his wine collection - he went back to work that night and got pulled over going into work. Funny it wasn't one of the times he's been completely out of it drunk. Anyway, he refused the chemical test, so his license has been automatically suspended for a year. Yay!

It's been about six weeks since that happened, and I'm incredibly resentful. He feels terrible about it, but he's trying to be positive. A friend is possibly going to come stay with us for a couple of months to drive for him, so that he can wrap-up his out of town client and stop having to travel every week. Again, this will affect our family, having company staying with us.

I told him when this happened that he HAS to do something proactive. He set-up a sober social group on Meetup and the first event is this weekend. He thinks building a sober social network is a great start. He also went to a SMART Recovery meeting about two weeks ago, but said it's just not the right place for him because everyone there is physically dependent on alcohol and he is not. Which is pretty much true, but doesn't change the fact that he has a problem. He says he will find something else he can do to help his problem.

I am getting to the point of indifference. I am considering saying he has to start individual counseling (which he's been talking about doing) immediately, or I'm done. I hate ultimatums, and I hate "forcing" someone to do something that they haven't seen the urgency in doing themselves. I am just ready to have a better, drama-free life. However, on the other hand...if I do leave, I have to look at the custody issue. I also think about the fact that our life is great most of the time, and that he is great with the kids, and they adore him. Also, he's not from here, he's from the UK. I worry that if I leave, he will spiral downward and end up getting deported, which would be terrible for my boys. He's never bothered with becoming a citizen, he's just a permanent resident. Financially, I know he'd help me, but I could handle that myself if I needed to. I do love him a lot, but I just turned 31, and life is short. I am tired of waiting for him to 100% "get it." He has made some significant changes, but he still drinks on occasion, and I can't take that chance over and over. I don't want to be the prison warden anymore. I want to relax.

I'm so torn, as I've been for the last six years. It just feels like even though things aren't as bad as they were when we got married, I'm still here in the same place...still waiting for this part of my life to be over so that I don't have to think about it anymore. But maybe it's never going to be over as long as I'm married to him. I just don't know what drama awaits me if I get a divorce.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:10 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
I'm no angel!
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Honestly, his words are alot of mumbo jumbo, whether he feels he is physically addicted or not doesn't change a thing, he is a binge drinker, he has just gotten a DUI, he as a problem. It still sounds like he thinks that he can resolve this on his own, he has proved that he cannot.

I always go back to the children and the negative impact that his behavior and your reaction to "his" problem will have on your children. They will carry their childhood into adulthood, they do not miss a thing, they feel, hear and see everything.

Unfortunately you cannot force him into recovery, you cannot control him. IMO, the real answer is to set a boundry with him and stick to it, say what you mean, and, mean what you say.

Until you both get healthy, I do not see anything changing.

Hope this all works out ok for you and most important, for your children.
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Old 01-31-2013, 03:59 PM
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What support do you have for yourself?

I also loved a binge drinker. I needed support figuring out what I needed and wanted (and was more clear in my communications, and also figured out better what I needed).

I could not change him...but I could get more clear on me.
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Old 01-31-2013, 05:14 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
I agree with dollydoo.
He has a problem and it sounds like hes tip toing around the ussue
And putting only one foot forward.
The fact that his drinking has made an impact on you and his family. His job
And with charges it sounds like regardless of what he wants to call it.
It is what it is. He may not be dependant (yet)
But hes heading down a path you yourself are upset over.
Its not like my ah or alot of addicts woke up one day and were dependant...
It progressed and at first was the same as your husband.
Individual coubseling is great but what would really make a great start woth both feet going
In the right direction is for him to consider aa or smart again.....to really give it a shot
Not with " I am not like these people" but with " I could be them"
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