Ex met someone else in rehab
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Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 8
Ex met someone else in rehab
Hi so this is my story. I'm 35 and I'm female, I have one child who is now 16. My child's father suddenly passed away 5 weeks before she was born, I was 19 and pregnant. Obviously this was heartbreaking and a very dark time for me, emotions that I buried to be able to be a good mum to my child.
Anyway 2 years later I got close with one of my child's fathers friend and we ended up together. My partner had a problem with drink since he was 15 I've since found out.
FAST FORWARD 11 years as there was good and bad times and I won't go into the hell that we faced with the drinking as most probably will know. So for about 5 years at the end of the relationship I noticed there was a serious problem with drink I only used to drink socialably but noticed my partner was always drunk soon as he got home from work he would go shop and buy vodka and drink it before he came home, he was being sick in the morning so I tried to get him help, spoke to our support network and begged... it didn't work..after 11 years of being with him I decided the only way he would get the help is if I detach with love and that is what I did. He did not leave me alone the whole 2 and a half years we was split up he was different everytime he showed up sometimes at my work, and at home and he would beg or get abusive and it just broke my heart to turn him away but I had to for my child's sake, my sake and his sake I prayed every night that he would be able to have the strength to get better and live a happy life.
I heard a couple of times that he had seizures and he was in hospital which I went to visit him and begged him to get the help again.
He finally decided to go into rehab as he had been found dead and had to get brought back to life for the 3rd time. He went in rehab for 2 weeks and then he left the programme to get drunk and come to my house and ask me if there was a chance between us if he got better I said we will talk when he comes out and that I will always be there for him.
We had no contact while he went back to complete the rest of the 6 months rehab.
he came out 2 weeks ago and he contacted me after 4 days to have a chat and kept asking me if I moved on. I told him I hadn't met anyone, and asked him if he had as he kept asking me and he said he had met someone in rehab and that she is still in there for a few more weeks. He then rang me back crying asking if I was upset I said yes it's a bit of kick in teeth but il be OK and I'm proud of him and that I hope it works for him. He then asked me to meet him. I shouldn't if done but I did and seeing him was just a dream took me back to when we first was seeing each other when the drink wasn't bad he looked so healthy and I fancied him again all the feelings that I buried was racing round my body but I had to suppress them as he had told me he had moved on and wanted to be in touch with me but not just yet as he needed to get back to reality.
I let myself breakdown when I got home I've never felt so many emotions it was like grieving for him then my hopes went up and then grieving again. In the past week we have spoke on the phone and I've told hope that I still love him and I always will we ended up arguing he was very hurt and upset that I didn't go to see him in rehab even though I didn't even know which one he had gone into and we both agreed no contact. Anyway he rang me 2 days ago and accusing me of doing stuff that not true when we had split up the same old arguments and he went and got drunk and then turned up at my house crying saying he just wants me to be happy and I felt so bad I just don't know what to do to help I've agreed with his mum I will have no contact again as obviously talking to me is not good for him...
please has anyone had experience with this
has he really moved on with this girl and I feel that he might be using me as a excuse to drink now he back out. I asked him if he loved me and he kept saying he needs space. I dont know what to do please help my mind and heart is hurting soooo bad I do just want him to be healthy but it's hurting me that he will want to give his sober self to someone else I still love him.
Anyway 2 years later I got close with one of my child's fathers friend and we ended up together. My partner had a problem with drink since he was 15 I've since found out.
FAST FORWARD 11 years as there was good and bad times and I won't go into the hell that we faced with the drinking as most probably will know. So for about 5 years at the end of the relationship I noticed there was a serious problem with drink I only used to drink socialably but noticed my partner was always drunk soon as he got home from work he would go shop and buy vodka and drink it before he came home, he was being sick in the morning so I tried to get him help, spoke to our support network and begged... it didn't work..after 11 years of being with him I decided the only way he would get the help is if I detach with love and that is what I did. He did not leave me alone the whole 2 and a half years we was split up he was different everytime he showed up sometimes at my work, and at home and he would beg or get abusive and it just broke my heart to turn him away but I had to for my child's sake, my sake and his sake I prayed every night that he would be able to have the strength to get better and live a happy life.
I heard a couple of times that he had seizures and he was in hospital which I went to visit him and begged him to get the help again.
He finally decided to go into rehab as he had been found dead and had to get brought back to life for the 3rd time. He went in rehab for 2 weeks and then he left the programme to get drunk and come to my house and ask me if there was a chance between us if he got better I said we will talk when he comes out and that I will always be there for him.
We had no contact while he went back to complete the rest of the 6 months rehab.
he came out 2 weeks ago and he contacted me after 4 days to have a chat and kept asking me if I moved on. I told him I hadn't met anyone, and asked him if he had as he kept asking me and he said he had met someone in rehab and that she is still in there for a few more weeks. He then rang me back crying asking if I was upset I said yes it's a bit of kick in teeth but il be OK and I'm proud of him and that I hope it works for him. He then asked me to meet him. I shouldn't if done but I did and seeing him was just a dream took me back to when we first was seeing each other when the drink wasn't bad he looked so healthy and I fancied him again all the feelings that I buried was racing round my body but I had to suppress them as he had told me he had moved on and wanted to be in touch with me but not just yet as he needed to get back to reality.
I let myself breakdown when I got home I've never felt so many emotions it was like grieving for him then my hopes went up and then grieving again. In the past week we have spoke on the phone and I've told hope that I still love him and I always will we ended up arguing he was very hurt and upset that I didn't go to see him in rehab even though I didn't even know which one he had gone into and we both agreed no contact. Anyway he rang me 2 days ago and accusing me of doing stuff that not true when we had split up the same old arguments and he went and got drunk and then turned up at my house crying saying he just wants me to be happy and I felt so bad I just don't know what to do to help I've agreed with his mum I will have no contact again as obviously talking to me is not good for him...
please has anyone had experience with this
has he really moved on with this girl and I feel that he might be using me as a excuse to drink now he back out. I asked him if he loved me and he kept saying he needs space. I dont know what to do please help my mind and heart is hurting soooo bad I do just want him to be healthy but it's hurting me that he will want to give his sober self to someone else I still love him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Hi Karey. I'm so sorry you are getting hurt in all this.
He isn't giving his sober self to anyone else, he isn't sober, maybe he never will be, you just don't know. That's hard to accept I know, but there is no way to tell, however, based on his performance lately, he doesn't sound like someone looking to be sober.
You detached with love and wished him well. If he does get sober, regardless of if he has some rehab romance, then that is the best outcome for him really?
This might be hard to do (but worth it), your best way forward would be to detach again, tell him you need no contact for a while. How can you possibly sort this out in your head when he shows up drunk, crying? You can't, it's (generally) beyond our ability when we have love and compassion for a person. Normally this is a good thing! Not now it isn't. Time to drop the rope - as is said around here often, let go or be dragged - he is dragging you.
If he manages to get sober (and that is a huge endeavor), that is quite different from recovery. In recovery the person tries to cope with life on life's terms, learn new coping skills, being in the world sober. That's a lot of hard work. He hasn't even started any of that. It can take a year or more to be truly in recovery.
There really is no use future tripping on where he might end up or with whom. Nothing has changed, he is still bringing the drink and the drama, you are still getting hurt.
He isn't giving his sober self to anyone else, he isn't sober, maybe he never will be, you just don't know. That's hard to accept I know, but there is no way to tell, however, based on his performance lately, he doesn't sound like someone looking to be sober.
You detached with love and wished him well. If he does get sober, regardless of if he has some rehab romance, then that is the best outcome for him really?
This might be hard to do (but worth it), your best way forward would be to detach again, tell him you need no contact for a while. How can you possibly sort this out in your head when he shows up drunk, crying? You can't, it's (generally) beyond our ability when we have love and compassion for a person. Normally this is a good thing! Not now it isn't. Time to drop the rope - as is said around here often, let go or be dragged - he is dragging you.
If he manages to get sober (and that is a huge endeavor), that is quite different from recovery. In recovery the person tries to cope with life on life's terms, learn new coping skills, being in the world sober. That's a lot of hard work. He hasn't even started any of that. It can take a year or more to be truly in recovery.
There really is no use future tripping on where he might end up or with whom. Nothing has changed, he is still bringing the drink and the drama, you are still getting hurt.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Hi Karey. I'm so sorry you are getting hurt in all this.
He isn't giving his sober self to anyone else, he isn't sober, maybe he never will be, you just don't know. That's hard to accept I know, but there is no way to tell, however, based on his performance lately, he doesn't sound like someone looking to be sober.
You detached with love and wished him well. If he does get sober, regardless of if he has some rehab romance, then that is the best outcome for him really?
This might be hard to do (but worth it), your best way forward would be to detach again, tell him you need no contact for a while. How can you possibly sort this out in your head when he shows up drunk, crying? You can't, it's (generally) beyond our ability when we have love and compassion for a person. Normally this is a good thing! Not now it isn't. Time to drop the rope - as is said around here often, let go or be dragged - he is dragging you.
If he manages to get sober (and that is a huge endeavor), that is quite different from recovery. In recovery the person tries to cope with life on life's terms, learn new coping skills, being in the world sober. That's a lot of hard work. He hasn't even started any of that. It can take a year or more to be truly in recovery.
There really is no use future tripping on where he might end up or with whom. Nothing has changed, he is still bringing the drink and the drama, you are still getting hurt.
He isn't giving his sober self to anyone else, he isn't sober, maybe he never will be, you just don't know. That's hard to accept I know, but there is no way to tell, however, based on his performance lately, he doesn't sound like someone looking to be sober.
You detached with love and wished him well. If he does get sober, regardless of if he has some rehab romance, then that is the best outcome for him really?
This might be hard to do (but worth it), your best way forward would be to detach again, tell him you need no contact for a while. How can you possibly sort this out in your head when he shows up drunk, crying? You can't, it's (generally) beyond our ability when we have love and compassion for a person. Normally this is a good thing! Not now it isn't. Time to drop the rope - as is said around here often, let go or be dragged - he is dragging you.
If he manages to get sober (and that is a huge endeavor), that is quite different from recovery. In recovery the person tries to cope with life on life's terms, learn new coping skills, being in the world sober. That's a lot of hard work. He hasn't even started any of that. It can take a year or more to be truly in recovery.
There really is no use future tripping on where he might end up or with whom. Nothing has changed, he is still bringing the drink and the drama, you are still getting hurt.
Thank you so much for your reply, it all makes perfect sense. I've just been through a worldwind of emotions after trying very hard to find peace within myself and I had it while he was in rehab and now all these feelings have come back.. then when he turned up drunk I felt nothing but sadness and that it hurts that it goes through my thoughts that whenever he speaks to me he has to drink and it kills me
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Karey.....welcome to the forum. i know that you are hurting.
Yes, there are thousands of stories, here on the forum that are like yours. It is not uncommon for rehab romances to start up. Not all do---but it certainly is not rare, either.
There are plenty of reasons that it happens---however, these romances have a "success rate" that approaches zero. About as much success as a snowball in the Sahara Desert.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is ready to do the hard work that it takes to attain genuine sobriety. From what you have shared, he shows no signs of it.
Even if you twisted yourself into a pretzel---no many personal sacrifices that you make---you cannot make him want to get sober and stay sober for life.
That would have to come from somewhere within himself. That might happen sometime in the future---or, it may never ever happen.
For you to live forever in Hope could seriously damage your life and have negative effects on your daughter, as well.
In these parts, we say that the 3 |Cs are basic.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it......and
You CANT fix it.
He is under the control of his disease and, as was said, above......"you can let go or be dragged".
I fervently hope that you will go to the stickies, above the threads----and find the section called "Classic Readings", in the section called About Recovery. There are over 100 great articles on this subject.
Also
1. I suggest that you read the most frequently suggested book on this forum...."Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot of it will resound with you.
Another thing that I think is important for you to know----t;hat "love", alone is not enough to stop addictions. Addiction doesn't care about love.
You were with him for years, and that love didn't stop the progression of addiction. There is no reason that it would stop his addiction when you are away from him, either.
I don't say that you have to stop loving---that is up to you---but, to save yourself, you may have to love from a distance. We don't always get to "keep" those we have loved.
Yes, there are thousands of stories, here on the forum that are like yours. It is not uncommon for rehab romances to start up. Not all do---but it certainly is not rare, either.
There are plenty of reasons that it happens---however, these romances have a "success rate" that approaches zero. About as much success as a snowball in the Sahara Desert.
Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is ready to do the hard work that it takes to attain genuine sobriety. From what you have shared, he shows no signs of it.
Even if you twisted yourself into a pretzel---no many personal sacrifices that you make---you cannot make him want to get sober and stay sober for life.
That would have to come from somewhere within himself. That might happen sometime in the future---or, it may never ever happen.
For you to live forever in Hope could seriously damage your life and have negative effects on your daughter, as well.
In these parts, we say that the 3 |Cs are basic.
You didn't Cause it.
You can't Control it......and
You CANT fix it.
He is under the control of his disease and, as was said, above......"you can let go or be dragged".
I fervently hope that you will go to the stickies, above the threads----and find the section called "Classic Readings", in the section called About Recovery. There are over 100 great articles on this subject.
Also
1. I suggest that you read the most frequently suggested book on this forum...."Co-dependent No More". It is an easy read and I think that a lot of it will resound with you.
Another thing that I think is important for you to know----t;hat "love", alone is not enough to stop addictions. Addiction doesn't care about love.
You were with him for years, and that love didn't stop the progression of addiction. There is no reason that it would stop his addiction when you are away from him, either.
I don't say that you have to stop loving---that is up to you---but, to save yourself, you may have to love from a distance. We don't always get to "keep" those we have loved.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Welcome, Karey, glad you found us.
I am sorry for the very sad situation you are in. Some fantastic advice and support already shared by members to you.
I very much encourage you to read "Codependent No More" too, it was a really big help to me. I hope it is the same for you.
Rehab "romance" is just yet another way an addict uses to avoid reality. They get caught up in the chaos and buzz of it. Anything to not live life on lifes terms. He doesn't sound at all like a person who is sober and working a program.
I encourage you to focus on yourself and healing from this relationship.
I am sorry for the very sad situation you are in. Some fantastic advice and support already shared by members to you.
I very much encourage you to read "Codependent No More" too, it was a really big help to me. I hope it is the same for you.
Rehab "romance" is just yet another way an addict uses to avoid reality. They get caught up in the chaos and buzz of it. Anything to not live life on lifes terms. He doesn't sound at all like a person who is sober and working a program.
I encourage you to focus on yourself and healing from this relationship.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by KAREY23
I've agreed with his mum I will have no contact again as obviously talking to me is not good for him
If he "has" to drink before speaking to you - oh well, he does, that's him (nothing to do with you personally). People drink, people become alcoholics, for all kinds of reasons. He was drinking before he met you, you don't really know him as a sober person (since he still isn't), neither does he probably.
I hope you will download Codependent No More. It discusses relationships and boundaries and is full of good information that will help you and in fact will probably help to ease your hurt and confusion over him. Reading around this forum can help to do that too.
Take good care of yourself, focus on you - eat well, watch movies you like, listen to music if you feel like it, take a short walk, start a project, post here, whatever gives your mind a break. Alcoholics quit drinking the moment they want to and not a moment before - that's up to him.
totfit
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Ft Collins, CO
Posts: 1,273
Wow, this is not a unique story at all. Fairy tale rehab romances occur regularly. It is a way to further avoid their current situation and what actually brought them there in the first place. They almost never work out except possibly for the jilted lover that gains an invaluable experience and moves on. I hope that is you. I wish for you that the good times, bad times, pain and anguish that resulted from this relationship give you strength and the ability to understand your value. No matter how bad an experience seems, we are most always better off because of it if we build strength for life forthcoming. I wish that for you.
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