Achnasheen

I have a place to go, working through the process of getting there. It's a bit complicated, because I'm moving to another country, so I need a work visa, and import papers for my dogs. It should all be in place in about 2 months, have had many documents to gather.
AH has not been drinking very much, mostly just when he's out visiting friends, very little at home. I think he's really trying to control his drinking, but he isn't in any sort of recovery program.
I can't decide if it would be safe to tell him that I'm leaving or if I should just go without telling him. I think if I say I'm only going to go stay with our daughter for a year of working abroad, that it won't trigger him to be angry, because he won't think I'm never coming back... but the closer leaving gets, the more anxiety I'm feeling and it's making it hard to make a good decision. I'm anxious because he threatened my life when I told him (several years ago) that we should separate as we're both unhappy. Im probably also anxious because of trauma bonding, and codependency.
I need to sell my car before I go, and I need his agreement and signature to do that, as it's in both our names. If he gets really angry, he won't sign, just out of spite.
I wish this was easier! My stomach is churning, I just want to be gone and have this done.

PeacefulWater12

Wishing you well.

velma929

Putting forth a scenario: If you left without saying anything, and never sold your car, just walked away, what's the worst that would happen?

Or if you left without saying anything and TOOK your car, what would happen?

VikingGF

Considering he's already threatened your life, perhaps not telling him is the way to go. Is there a way you can sell your car under a false pretense- found a cheaper one or just want a new one? Based on my own experience (I had a family member in a similar situation,) the less said, the better. Stay calm, stay focused and all the best to you.

Bute

I wouldn't tell him a thing. You've kept your plans under your hat thus far, continue to do it - then just up, and offski! Give him a 2 fingered salute from the plane!
Much Love
Bute x

dandylion

Achnacheen.......I don't see any advantage in telling him anything, from what you have shared with us. Why make it even harder on yourself? If he threatened your life, before, I would think that you could reasonably expect a similar reaction, again.
In case you are feeling like you are being "dishonest" or lying by not revealing all of your plans----From the way that I look at it----in situations when you are doing self preservation or even saving a life, one is entitled to NOT share information. Self preservation comes first.

Your plan of telling him that you are going for only one year of work sounds pretty good to me-----after all, you can always tell him, much later, that you have changed your mind and you want to stay near your daughter.

I think itis normal to have anxiety when one is making major changes. Maybe it would help with the anxiety if you try to stay very busy and structured for the next few weeks.

trailmix

If he does get angry about you leaving, the chances of him signing off on the car are pretty much nil - so that's probably not an option.

If you do tell him, then stay in your home, I guarantee your anxiety level will be much higher because you won't know what to expect next. He might take the news fairly well to start, but will he feel that tomorrow after a few drinks with the boys? He may question why you are selling your car when you are only going abroad for a year.

If selling the car is imperative, I would recommend you find an interim place to stay (family, friends?), until you leave the country.

It's not you by the way, there is no easy answer here. As long as you keep in mind that your safety is your number one priority, that's most important.

You are safer not letting him know.

Achnasheen

That really puts it into perspective; I want to sell the car so that AH is not stuck with the loan payment, but I guess if he will sell the car, if he doesn't want to continue making payments. My fear is he'll default on the loan, and there goes my good credit rating.

Achnasheen

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your advice.
I was going around in circles, and the anxiety was getting overwhelming. I feel calmer, and back on course.
My job is to get out safely, with my dogs. I feel bad leaving things "undone", messy, but AH closed that option to me so I guess he gets to decide what to do with everything that I'm forced to walk away from.
It boggles my mind, how I can still feel responsible for making sure everything is ok for him, after all that has happened! Codependency truly is a deeply rooted, compulsion.
I have so much love and appreciation for this group of caring, compassionate people. Thank you
xoxo

dandylion

Ach.....I agree that you are soooo right----that co-dependency is very deep rooted. I think that the seeds of it were planted, mostly, in our early childhood----as we were growing up.

Have you ever thought of using a co-dependency workbook?

Achnasheen

Yes, I believe you're right Dandylion, codependency for me started in childhood as a survival tool. I've been going to online CoDa meetings and am in a step study group as well. I'm able to recognize some of my codependent behaviors/reactions now, but still find it hard to overcome some of them. It'll take more time I'm willing to put the work in, I want some positive changes in my life!

velma929

I wouldn't be quick to label all concern for our qualifiers as 'codependency.' Some of it may come from love and genuine compassion (or concern for our credit rating). Just because the alcoholic is limited in those characteristics doesn't mean we are. My AH was diagnosed with lung cancer. I didn't want him to suffer - I was well past active codependency, but I don't want people to suffer.