JansSushiBar

After our "discussion" the other night when my AH assured me that he didn't need professional help and would "take care of it himself" he is drinking a great deal less - only in the evenings and in a much more moderate amount. As a result, he's been much more pleasant to be around and I've been able to relax somewhat.

I'm not naive, though - I understand that because he has not stopped, this very likely won't last; he will eventually, probably gradually, begin drinking more and more until he's back to drinking all day, every day again. I feel bad because he's obviously making an effort, although he is still hiding just how much he's drinking from me and I simply don't trust this trend to continue.

Am I wrong to believe that he'll gradually revert to his old ways, and still plan to attend the Al-Anon meetings, look for other employment and plan to leave in the fall when my youngest goes to college? He really is making an effort, and I feel awful because I don't think it's time to go around high-fiving him just yet.

doggonecarl

Sadly, his efforts are directed at maintaining his drinking, not recovery. So yes, if your husband is 1) an alcoholic, or 2) dependent on alcohol, or 3) a problem drinker, it will likely revert to what it was before.

BTW, there is a lot of discussion on my side of the forum (the alcohol recovery side) about the differences between 1, 2, and 3.

I try not to get into arguements about it. It boils down to this: Drinkers drink, period. Until they quit.

Good luck, and stick with Al-anon. The only person you can fix is yourself.

dollydo

"Am I wrong to believe that he'll gradually revert to his old ways, and still plan to attend the Al-Anon meetings, look for other employment and plan to leave in the fall when my youngest goes to college? "

He is still drinking, as an alcoholic he will not be able to maintain that reduced level, he is white knuckling it. This is a progressive disease, without proper treatment, a sober lifestyle, a strong recovery program...worked for life...he will continue to get worse. Not my rules, just how it is.

Keep on your path, trust your gut, hear with your eyes, not your ears, think with your head, not your heart.

IMO,your assumptions are correct.

Carmie01

Hi! I'm really new here too! I'm in the same boat as you, so I fully understand what you are going through. Just in two days after joining this forum I have learnt the sad fact that there is nothing I can do to help my AH. It's up to him now..

It would be wise to get help for yourself at a local Al Anon meeting were I've been told there is a wealth of support for those living with an alcoholic.

I wish I could comfort you more but the people on here are really caring and have been/or going through the same experience. There are links at the top of the forum that can help and I'm sure the more experienced people on here will give you some support.:ghug3

ave

The best answer I have to this question is not my own words, but from the book Alcoholics Anonymous - (excepted from pages 30-31)

"Most of us have been unwilling to admit we
were real alcoholics. No person likes to think
he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows.
Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers
have been characterized by countless vain attempts
toprove we could drink like other people. The idea
that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his
drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal
drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing.
Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death"

... "We know that no
real alcoholic ever recovers control. All of us felt at
times that we were regaining control, but such inter-
vals—usually brief—were inevitably followed by still
less control, which led in time to pitiful and incompre-
hensible demoralization. Weareconvinced to a man
that alcoholics of our type arein the grip of a progres-
sive illness. Over any considerable period we get
worse, never better."

"In some instances there has been brief
recovery, followed always by a still worse relapse"

"Despite all we can say, many who are real alcoholics
are not going to believe they are in that class. By
everyform of self-deception and experimentation, they
will try to prove themselves exceptions to the rule,
therefore nonalcoholic."

thislonelygirl

I agree with doggoncarl

Its not progress until he seeks recovery to nip it in the butt
Being that weve all been on the rollercoaster before an alcoholic who tries to manage his drinking
Isnt really managing anything....hes holding onto his bottle like the best friend he still believes it is
After countless times with my ah before doing the same and calling it progress
I finally woke up and put my foot down for me. I will not be sucked into the denial and lies by believing that its red and he calks it blue. The pen is red lol
It just is. Hopefully you know this and hopefully this fact helps you to understand the truth .
I hope it does but that everything works out the way you plan.

JansSushiBar

Well, that was short-lived.

We go home for lunch every day, and while I made lunch (we had no leftovers from last night), he kept running back into our master bedroom "to use the bathroom." Sure enough, when we got in the car, the smell of booze smacked me in the face.

I didn't say anything to him. I don't know if I'll ever say anything to him about his drinking again. What earthly good would it do?

MyBetterWorld

It's insanity...you'd be better to just bang your head against the wall that continue to try to talk to him about it. Tis the cycle....hang on. You're in for quite a ride. Take care of yourself. You can't help him, but you can help YOU>

lillamy

Yes. That.

Neagrm

Everyone has given you wonderful feedback. I can only echo what they've said.

I can add that I live with a spouse who drinks every evening. I don't know if he's alcoholic or not. What I do know is, there have been times over the years when he's obviously abused the use of alcohol, using it to self medicate. The first time it became obvious to me, I had a talk with him when he was sober. He agreed and was embarrassed by what happened and firmly disciplined himself to control his drinking. He limits himself to no more than 2 or three beers per evening/glasses of wine.

I have no idea if he has kept to that (there are times he goes over that amount as I can tell by his physical/mental/emotional condition); I don't keep count/track. But his drinking has affected me over the years - in more ways than I realized for a long time, and that's what got me to Al-Anon, my greatest blessing after many years attending; I didn't truly "get it" until I got myself a sponsor and really began working the steps, a life-saving journey of my own growth and coping.

Even when he isn't over-doing, whatever that means, the dynamics and issues of relating to others are there to deal with. Without awareness on his part, and without a program such as AA, those issues don't change/won't change because he's not working on it and doesn't accept help.

Many times he has resolved or promised to do something and there's a nice little honeymoon period; he always reverts to old behavior patterns.

Because of all I've learned in Al-Anon and the years of practice, I still have my sanity and have found serenity. It's me I can change and find healthy ways of dealing with my life, establishing healthy boundaries and challenging mistaken thinking until I learn healthy patterns for myself.

He's a smart, previously high functioning man and has changed a lot over the years in response/reaction to my efforts in my own recovery from how I've been affected. It's been difficult at times, a roller coaster that comes with the territory.

Sorry to go on so. Something about your post touched me. All just to tell you that your instincts are good, your conclusions are wise; trust yourself; you've got a realistic perspective on things. Good luck.

NYCDoglvr

Yes. Alcoholism is progressive and while someone may temporarily cut back a bit, ultimately he will return to previous levels and probably get worse. It's the nature of the disease.