AtATotalLoss

Soooo, I have been to four different alanon meetings now and I am not finding a good fit. They are filled with good people, but I'm just not feeling it. And unfortunately I have about exhausted the ones that work with my schedule (one more that I will try this Saturday).
I have a hard time with going and listening to everyone, and my issue with alanon has always been that everyone talks but no 'solutions' are ever presented that make any sense to me. I know - give it up to the HP, but that doesn't truly work for me. Not that I don't believe in HP, but because that doesn't help me in my day-to-day.
I have - on a lot of your suggestions - gotten a lot of books, including Codependent No More. That book has been hard to read but wow, do I ever recognize myself in there!
I guess I'm just wondering where I go if I can't find a meeting that feels right. Definitely SR because in a lot of ways this is kind of a meeting. But I recognize the benefit in having people to talk to about all this. Don't know.
Had a bad day Sunday. Was so mad all day. Reading CNM has made me confront some very deeply repressed feelings and memories and I was just pissed! I am thinking that is normal, and it has passed for the most part, so I think that's OK. Hope so anyways.
The good news: AM has gone to AA meetings every day since last Thursday and has now gotten herself a sponsor. We still aren't talking much, but she does share little bits like that, which I am glad to know.

LexieCat

The "solution" in Al-Anon is found in the Steps. (The same place it is in AA.)

The slogans and such can help, but the program of Al-Anon really consists of the Step work. The Steps are best worked with a sponsor--someone who has worked them herself and can guide you through them. If there is someone you've met who really seems to have a good outlook on life, you might consider asking her to be your sponsor.

Recovering2

I was instructed to attend at least 6 meetings, but to attend the same meeting at least twice, before deciding if AlAnon was working for me. It took 3 different groups before I found one that feels right. Now, every meeting isn't the same, some are better than others as the cast of characters can be different each week. But if I just sit and listen I will often walk away with just one pearl that sticks with me.

The point of the meetings is not really to give you solutions. No one will tell you what is right for you. They can only share their experiences, how they learned to deal with things. That's why there's no cross talk. No opinions. Only wisdom and support. I agree that "solutions" come with working the Steps. We truly do need to learn to give it up to whatever our HP is....day to day. Each and every day, let it go.

I read "The Language of Letting Go" every morning before starting my day. It's a daily reader, and it always centers me as I head into the world.

whiskeyman

my partner tried AlAnon as well but didnt enjoy them and didnt feel they helped. i asked him to keep going as i know i needed the push for AA.

then he tried CoDA meeting and loves it.
he is starting the steps now and has a sponsor.

Tuffgirl

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting, then waited another 5 months before I went again. At that time, like you, I tried many, but the one that was most conducive to my schedule is the one I stayed with, for that reason and because after about a handful of meetings, it finally stuck. And I agree with Lexie, working the steps is where the real magic can happen.

Try some Al-Anon speaker tapes - you can find them online. See if anything resonates with you listening to one speaker instead of a sharing meeting.

bamboo10

Have you attending any of the four meetings more than once? my first meeting i hated-but after going back to the same meeting 2 or 3 times it changed for me

AtATotalLoss

I do understand what everyone is saying. And I am not throwing in the towel on alanon yet, so no worries. However... one of them I went to the other day had a lot of people, mostly women, there. Several of them were talking about AHs or ABFs. One in particular was relating a story about telling her 9 year old son that his daddy was "a worthless drunk" and it was up to him (the 9 year old) to "take care of his momma now and be the man of the house". It.... made me rather upset (for which, read effing furious). I know, I know. And believe me, I know what a hypocrite I feel like even saying anything, but... I wanted to shake her. Seems that I am in a mad phase right now. Is that normal? Cus I go from emotion to emotion so quick lately that I can't even tell you how I am gonna feel in 15 minutes at this point.
I am also looking into CoDA and ACoA meetings that will work for my schedule. I somehow feel those might be a better fit for me personally.
I have read and am continuing to read the steps. I understand the wisdom there. I understand that they help. But it isn't speaking to me yet. Is like one of those darn 3D picture things. I know it is THERE, but I can't SEE it...

dandylion

Dear AtaTotalLoss, first, I want to say how much I admire your motivation. Just the fact that you are trying different meetings and reading a book that is difficult (emotionally) for you is proof that you are wanting change and willing to do some self-examination. It takes courage to do this.

You might also consider adding a one-one counselor to your program for right now. One that is experienced in the areas that trouble you.

sincerely, dandylion

LexieCat

You have a great way with words. Yeah, at first it is JUST like looking at one of this 3D picture things. And, similarly, one day when you don't expect to, you will start seeing things (no, not hallucinating, lol--I HOPE not, anyway!). No timetable for it, but my own theory is that it takes time for the judging and evaluating and head-spinning to settle down.

And I get you on feeling frustrated with some of the other members. Remember, though, if we were all well to begin with we wouldn't need to be there. And, as in AA, some people are sicker than others. There is hope for her, too, if she will listen and open her mind. Sometimes a share from someone about how it felt to be the child of an alcoholic can help. That's the thing, we can all learn from, and support, each other, gently suggesting that certain attitudes or actions can make things worse than they need to be.

choublak

Much like in AA, there are some sick people in the rooms.

And ugh, the lady who said that to her son, you don't say those things to a child, but that just goes to show you that alcoholism is indeed a family disease. I hope her son finds support in Alateen or something.

AtATotalLoss

Thanks Lex I do have a lot more triggers than I ever thought and they seem to keep getting pummeled lately. I know - I do hurt for people listening to their stories sometimes.
I guess I am kind of... well, stuck on the whole 'God' concept. I don't feel comfortable with the praying and that whole aspect of it. My beliefs there are very private and personal to me. One of the meetings I went to I got several dirty looks and one lady followed me out to the parking lot trying to tell me how to 'Let Jesus in' after I got up to leave quietly before we got to the prayer part of events. Just went against the whole 'take what you need...' ideal. All of that may be another issue altogether.
Just guess I feel like I am ready to do something about this. The last thing I feel like I need is a whole bunch of other people trying to dictate to me what I should be feeling or trying to influence my brain. I need to learn how to trust my own thoughts and feelings.
Am totally willing to run on the premise that I maybe have just not been hitting these meetings on 'good' days... But think I won't go back to the one with the crazy Jesus lady...

LexieCat

Nope, I think the name of J.C. pops up once in Bill's story in the Big Book, and that's it.

One thing to note is that the Eleventh Step talks about how we "sought through prayer AND MEDITATION to improve our conscious contact with God AS WE UNDERSTOOD HIM, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out."

Now, forget about the "Him" and "His" for a second, because "God as we understand Him" can be anything you think is more powerful than you. Meditation has a long tradition in Buddhism, which does not worship a deity, as such. It has a long tradition in many religions and secular practices that share few beliefs. When you can get in touch with a Higher Power, even if it is the spirit deep down inside you that makes you calm and centered, you can hand things over to that whatever-it-is, let go of trying to control it, and trust that things will unfold as they should. When you think about it, the Universe runs just fine without any help from any of us.

The "crazy Jesus lady" doesn't understand the Steps, because none of us has a right to impose our concept of spirituality on someone else. I completely respect someone whose HP is Jesus, or the Buddha, or Allah, or the Great Spirit, or the pagan Goddess. Or the Higgs Bosun particle. Whatever works and gives you strength.

I am sort of an agnostic type, similar to Mike, I suppose, in that I tend to believe there is SOMETHING taking care of what needs to happen but I don't pretend to understand it, nor do I need to. And when it comes time to say the Serenity Prayer or the Lord's Prayer in a group, I think of the power of expressing those wishes in a group of people who all are humbly asking for the same kind of help for themselves and others. It's powerful stuff, regardless of the technicalities of my beliefs.

AtATotalLoss

See? Now that strikes a chord Lexie! I like that and will keep it in my mind when I go to meetings in the future. And I hope no one thinks I am bashing AA or Alanon or any of the programs - they have worked wonders for so many people and I applaud them for that, as much as I applaud anyone for going to them.
Can ya tell I am also a recovering Catholic?? LOL

AtATotalLoss

Thanks so much for sharing that Ady... Interesting thoughts. Will still keep "shopping" for a meeting that speaks to me. But I figure even if I don't find one that I can really relax in, I will continue with my reading and posting and work through it one way or the other.
Lots to think about!

Carol Star

You can use the group as God or your higher power; group of dependents- g-o-d........good orderly direction......g-o-d.........the steps are designed to lead you to a spiritual awakening- don't quit before the miracle happens........

choublak

I understand the process of "shopping" for meetings.

For example, I went to a meeting where people started arguing about which version of the Lord's Prayer they should use to close the meeting: "forgive us our trespasses" or "forgive us our debts". I mean there were a few people who looked like they were going to have a fight about it. Misplaced aggression carried to the extreme. Needless to say, I didn't go back to that particular group.