AH going to inpatient treatment
 

It's been a long time since I posted - it was too depressing for me to come back to keep posting the same thing over & over (hey, he's sober...wait, he's not), but I'm hopeful that things are about to change. AH came to me this morning & said he wants to go to an inpatient program. Actually, he woke me up at 5am. He'd been up since 2am thinking, & at 5am we talked, and by 6am, he'd emailed colleagues to let them know he would be coordinating medical care & taking a medical leave of absence. (He's a prof & wanted to be responsible & let others know that his courses/duties would need to be covered by others, effective immediately.)

He started an outpatient program at a new facility a couple weeks ago, but with him skipping sessions & not able to control his drinking, it's become obvious (even to him) that he needs more help.

He called the treatment facility this morning (same company, different location for inpatient care), and I'm taking him in to start his treatment first thing tomorrow morning. There have been dozens of phone calls with oodles of questions - what to bring/not bring, visitation rules, schedule info, etc. I've got pages upon pages of notes from all the conversations with the treatment center & with his HR department, and I think we both finally have more of a handle on what to expect.

The kicker is that this Friday is his birthday. He's bummed about having to spend his birthday in rehab, but I told him that this is the best gift that he can give himself.

Tonight, we got him packed up & had a last meal at home together before he goes. This day has been wonderful & terrifying all at the same time. It's also been somewhat maddening, since he actually somehow managed to sneak drinking most of a pint pretty early in the day, but I'm trying to focus on positives. Like how I'm going to know that he's safe & in good care, and how I'm going to be able to stop standing guard over him & start focusing on me.

Good Luck! I hope it all works out well.

"The kicker is that this Friday is his birthday. He's bummed about having to spend his birthday in rehab, but I told him that this is the best gift that he can give himself."



Amen! A wonderful birthday gift indeed. And such a wonderful thing to say to him.
Wishing you and your AH the best of luck as he takes this courageous and wise step.

MamaKit

Prayers and good thoughts for you both!!

My RAS had his birthday in rehab. They got him a cake .... and acknowledged it. I don't know they will do that for a grown man, though. ;-)

Is this his first inpatient? Just wanted to warn you to try and be cautiously optimistic. Its a great start, but not a magic fix. (Speaking from my experience and all of the parents I met when my son was in rehab ... they have now all relapsed and are on second rounds.)

This is such wonderful news, and a great step. In 2012 when my EXAG went in to treatment i remember the feeling. Hope and RELIEF. I could travel in peace for work without worrying. Professionals can now worry about her.

One thing i do regret is doing nothing to change MY behavior while she was away. She had 40 days inpatient, and 3 months in halfway house. I changed nothing in my life during that time. I expected her to come home "fixed". I had no concept of my contribution to the sick dance we do, and the effects of my codependence on our relationship, and her recovery. In my mind, She was the f'ed up one and the cause of all of our relationship issues. While she was/is.... So am i.

What a birthday gift to him. Ironically, my Birthday in on Friday as well!

Yes, this is his first inpatient program. And I hear you...I have no illusions that he will come back completely fixed. We actually talked about that last night. We're not even sure exactly how long he'll be in there or what the segue afterwards will be just yet - that will depend on him. I am excited that he's taking this step and taking it on his own, of his own volition. I'm hopeful that he will be taught to develop the tools he needs to cope with the alcoholism and that he will get properly assessed by medical professionals so he can work through his other issues. In all the research I've done, one very consistent thing I've seen is that the probability of relapse is incredibly high when there is alcoholism + depression/anxiety/other mental health issues. Getting evaluated by a psychiatrist & getting properly medicated & getting appropriate therapy may give him a fighting chance. Yes, he's on anti-depressants now, but the psychiatrist that gave him the Rx barely saw him and only sees him momentarily & occasionally to refill the Rx...no actual therapy (WTF?! You can't just toss drugs at a mental health issue & expect them to get better, it takes work!).

I'm also hopeful that they can help ME figure out some things. We'll be talking with them about family therapy options. I know I need to work on myself, and I will, but I also need to be educated on what his path is & how we can build a new dynamic that's healthy for us both. I don't want to derail him and I certainly want to break out of this codie cycle. BUT...one day at a time. First things first - he's gotta get checked in & go through his "transition" (the nice word for non-heavily medicated detox) & get started on his path, and I need to get started on mine.

One thing--alcoholism was ENTIRELY responsible for my own depression and anxiety. When I got sober (after a few months) they were entirely gone.

I don't know your husband, of course, and I do know people who required anti-depressents or other medications to function properly. They can be life savers for those who truly need them. Maybe he's one, but don't assume he isn't getting proper treatment if they don't get him medicated for those issues right away. No meds can work properly on an alcoholic brain, anyway, until it has had a chance to heal a bit. With any luck, maybe he will be one for whom those feelings will dissipate once he is sober.

I think for him, they go hand in hand. He's been using alcohol or some other form of escape/self-medication for literally decades. He had a pretty effed up home life growing up. He doesn't talk to his parents, and hasn't in eons, and it's a good thing. I'm glad they had him, but seriously...some people should not be allowed to procreate. It's a miracle he's gotten this far in life and that he's been as successful as he has - he did it all on his own. But for a very very long time, he's been just slogging through emotionally, and he hasn't matured too much past the point when he left home as a teenager.

He's already talking about how he needs to change things when he's out of inpatient, how he wants to live a more adult life & do things differently. Praise jebus, hallelujah! I've been waiting to hear him say "I wanna act like a grown up" for roughly 18 years. The talk is encouraging, but I'm no dummy - I'm not throwing a celebratory party or anything until I see some change in his actions. (Then I might actually throw an OMG HE'S AN ADULT party, lol!)

First things first....an early Happy Birthday to you!! :day1

And omg, yes, do I ever need to work on me. I've had no energy to do it for, um...ever? We all know the codie ways, brushing them off as being a "caretaker" or "people pleaser" and whatnot. I know I've been enabling him, and in a way, I've also been enabling myself to detach from, well, me being me!

While he's away, I'll have no excuses. Relatively recently (like in the last couple weeks), I've been able to move from focusing entirely on him to NOT focusing entirely on him. Next step is to learn how to focus on ME. I need to learn who I am. I need to learn what I like to do, not what I have to do. I need to reach out. I need to actually *gasp* socialize and have friends. I need to do a lot of things. I'm going to have to take it one day at a time, one step at a time, one moment at a time.

I am so happy for both of you right now. I was in your shoes 4 months ago. My (now recovered) ABF came to me and said he needed help. We went throught the 24hr whirlwind of getting him into inpatient. I had to drive him to another state to get him checked in. He drank the morning we left, but I knew we were on the way to detox so I didn't say a word. He was in acute detox for 4 days before entering the regular treatment side of things, but was in a "fog" for almost 2 weeks.

His time in treatment was my time for me. I attended their family program, and learned a lot about his disease and about myself. I started going to AlAnon at least 3 times a week, as well as seeing my own counselor. I am very grateful for the time I was given to do all that work. With him in treatment, I was free of worry. I knew he was safe and sound, and I could focus on me.

The hardest part was his first couple of weeks back home. He was nervous around me, now that he realized some of the damage he had done. I had expectations of how it would be when he got home, and when it wasn't, I was disappointed. We both worked through it, and are doing really well so far. He is working hard on "recovery"..not just sobriety. And I continue to focus on my own recovery. One day at a time, but today is a good day. :)

BTW - he was in treatment over the Holidays and apologized for that. I couldn't have been happier! I was grateful that he was in treatment, there was no better gift to me!

I truly pray for your husband's success, and your own success, in recovery.

Thanks for the early Birthday wish!

Amen to that. I have finally successfully completed ONE day of no contact with my EXAG.

Another irony - My last brief conversation with EXAG (who I believe is again recommitted to recovery) stated the same thing to me. "I need to live by myself, grow up, and live like a responsible adult." As her old sponsor would say, "It is time to put on your big-girl panties."

Odd to hear a 43 year old woman state she needs to grow up, but I was like "It's about f'in time." Time will tell...

Well, I dropped him off at the facility this morning. That was really weird. The place was pretty sterile looking and quiet. Kept feeling like I should have been whispering. We pulled up, parked in the drop-off area, had a quick smoke, and then went in & signed in. It was just a matter of minutes before a counselor that we had spoke with came out. I had my "visitor" peel off tag on for barely a couple minutes. We said our quick goodbyes, I gave him a hug, told him I loved him. I think the last words I uttered to him were "good luck today" as I walked away. It was hard not to cry.

As I walked out of there, I felt an odd mixture of emotions. Grief, relief, fear, happiness. A sense of feeling lighter in a way. And even though it was raining like mad, I swear the sun shone a bit brighter through the clouds as I drove away. He's been there barely four hours now. It feels like I dropped him off a minute ago and forever ago at the same time.

When I got home, I had a very difficult conversation that I was dreading. I called my parents and told them that I had taken AH to rehab. That was hard. I actually rehearsed what to say with my sister & tried to stick to a good outline/script that she gave me (yes, my brain is that mushy right now that I can't even figure out how to have this conversation!). Of course, I went off script. My dad kept quiet, and my mom did all the talking, and she had a million & one questions. I followed my sister's sage advice and kept it non-detailed and logical - he made a huge important step to ask for help & to go to rehab, and I'm very proud of him for making that choice and for actively doing something to get better. I repeated variations of that at least a dozen or so times. Main reason I've been dreading telling my parents is that my mom knowing about this & her reactions to it would have been a big burden on me - she doesn't take bad news very well at all, and has a tendency to be incredibly dramatic & worrisome and would have been all over me & stressing me out if I had told her & my dad about what's been going on any earlier than today. Once we got past the initial (and repeated) uncomfortable questions - how long as this been going on (a while), is that why he was shaky at Christmas (no, that was his anti-depressants), what pushed him "over the edge" (nothing in particular), etc. - mom moved on to worrying about me & going all Negative Nelly on me. "OH, I know how you are, this is going to take you down, and you're going to get sick!" She went on like that for a bit. My response was, "Well, thanks, aren't you all sunshine & rainbows?!" Mom also told me that she felt like she had been kicked in the gut. I know the feeling, lady, lol! I told them both that I'm going to try to be positive, work on taking care of me, and take it one step at a time.

One thing I learned quite well today is that "normies" don't quite get alcoholism. Hell, I hardly do, but those who don't live with it & don't understand how powerful it is have a hard time wrapping their head around how it can take a hold of someone who's seemingly got their sh*t together. I found myself responding to "well, doesn't he know how good he has it?" and the like. I had to explain a bit about how alcoholism doesn't discriminate by age, rage, socio-economics, employment status, prestige, etc. It's a freakin' disease. It's not like someone can wake up one morning and say, "Gee, I don't feel like having cancer" or "To hell with this diabetes today," and they certainly can't do that with alcoholism either. As with any disease, proper treatment & learning how to live with the disease are essential to surviving & thriving.

On a sidenote...I almost stopped that last sentence at "surviving." I'm finally realizing that just surviving is not enough. I've been surviving for quite some time now. It's time for me to learn to thrive, and for him to do the same. Holy completely serendipitous, unintentional breakthrough!

CeciliaV, you sound like you are doing OK. I know exactly how you feel about the parents not understanding. From outsiders looking in, many think it is a CHOICE, not a disease. Heck, it took me many years to wrap my head around it NOT being a choice. I drink, but can take it or leave it. My EXAG cannot. Period. It was only years of living with her that I realized that it is truly a disease of mind and spirit.

Wow, so just as I submitted that last comment, AH called me. So far, so good, except he hasn't seen the psychiatrist yet - apparently he's not in yet or not available. As expected, they went through his stuff - took away his shaving razor, but he can get it back by asking for it when he needs it. I asked him how the room was & whether the bed was comfy, and he said "okay, and no." So I'm bringing him a comfy pillow from home on Saturday when I go to see him.

Once he got out of initial check in & eval, he got settled in his room, and by then it was lunch time and no one was really around...he came out of his room, went to the first stairwell he saw to go downstairs to find others, and he accidentally set off an alarm. What a way to ring in his first day, lol!

So he hasn't been there very long at all, but he did take part in an art therapy session today - show how you think other people see you. Simple, but sounds pretty powerful.

They're pretty structured there (which is good), so we couldn't talk long & he had to go, but he's going to call me back tonight so we can chat a bit more. With his birthday looming, I want to know what he wants me to tell people if/when they call to wish him a Happy Birthday...seemingly stupid little detail, and but I want to try to honor his wishes (within reason) on how to handle those calls.

I wish you both all the best & hope it works out for you.
It is a positive step in the right direction.

I am very surprised he is allowed contact with you so soon! My BF was not allowed any outside contact the first few days while he detoxed. Only very limited calls on weekends after that, very limited computer as well. They wanted him to stay focused on his recovery without any outside influence. I found it was good for me to limit our discussions as well, let me put it aside and focus on me.
Check and make sure you can bring him a pillow etc. Some places have rules as to what they're allowed to bring in. :)

Geeat news. Hes getting a handle on things makingbthevright steps.
It sounds like his head is in the game and hes taking responsibility.
This is all great and yes terrifying too but the outcome is worth it
And hopefully during this time you can take a break and know he is the hands of professionals.
Good luck to both of you

Thanks, Crazed. Not quite sure how, but I am doing okay. I'm hopeful that soon the day will come when I can respond to a "How are you?" question with a true, heartfelt "GREAT!" I'll get there eventually, but for now, doing okay is just fine. A lot better than I expected, actually. I really don't know how I didn't bawl my eyes out today multiple times. I got choked up when dropping him off & while on the phone with my parents, too.

As for them not quite understanding, I realize it's hard for them. My dad had his own problems with alcohol in the semi-recent past. He's always been a drinker. Pretty much all the men in the family are. At holiday gatherings, all the cousins would know the exact point when they'd had a little too much - this uncle would start giggling, that uncle would curse a little more when they were playing cards, etc. But when my dad got laid off right before retirement, I think he got bored & depressed (he'd been working full time since he was about 10!) & he was home alone a lot, and he began drinking more heavily & sneaking vodka in water bottles to hide it from my mom. She found out, blew a gasket, & threatened to divorce him; she was mad for a while, he stopped drinking, and then it was all like it never happened. They actually still keep booze in the house - dad has always been proud to have on hand just about whatever any visitor might want to drink - but I'm not sure if he still drinks at all. (We never actually talked about it, but my mom told my sister that she was mostly mad because she felt betrayed & lied to, and then it was never mentioned again.)

That's how my family deals with problems. We don't actually TALK about them or deal in any real healthy way. It's a very old world mentality, which I understand given their upbringing. If you were able to move & work & there was no gigantic obvious disease physically incapacitating you or open wounds or body parts falling off, then you are fine, just forget about it & shake it off! My understanding is that there were "no alcoholics" when they grew up - pretty much everybody drank, some drank too much sometimes, some drank too much most of the time, and then there was the town drunk.

So I think it was odd for them to hear me express an issue like this to them & to really talk to them about it. My mom also just has a hard time understanding alcoholism or any sort of addiction whatsoever. For example, she's been bugging me to quit smoking awful hard and compared giving up coffee as a teenager to quitting smoking - "just stop, it's bad for you!" Wish it was that easy. She did make me promise her something today - that I would, as part of my getting healthier, quit smoking. I told her that it's on my list, but seriously, with the amount of stress at the moment, I'd rip someone's face off if I were to quit smoking right now!

Oh, and the funniest part of the conversation with my parents...my mom actually said these words to me: "you know you can't keep alcohol in the house anymore, right?!" OMG, no, really?!?! So that's what I should have done differently?! Bahaha! In all seriousness, I had to stifle the overly sarcastic knee-jerk response & told her that I know, and that I haven't been bringing anything into the house, that I wasn't really much of a drinker for many years and haven't brought anything into the house in a while. Sigh, I realized as soon as it fell out of my mouth that I shouldn't have said that. Because then the return question was, "Well, then where is he getting it from?" The best response I could muster was, "Um, the store?"

I was a little surprised, too. I wasn't sure if they would limit his contact severely at first, but there are payphones available and he just gave me a quick call while on a break. He said he'd call me later, too. So I guess they're not so strict about calls? As far as detox goes, they call it "transitioning" and I guess they're not a true detox center per se - if he had a history of DTs or seizures or drank more (good gravy, I can't imagine that!), then he would have gone to a detox facility for 3 days. So far, they're keeping him there, and they have nurses on staff if he needs extra care.

And I am going to ask him to be sure to confirm I can bring him a pillow...he said it was alright & that they would search it before I could bring it in, but I'm not sure if he asked anyone. All I know for sure is no cell phone usage (cameras + confidentiality = bad) and I can't bring in food (signage said you'd be "kindly" asked to return the food to your car, ha!). He got an okay for me to bring his laptop this weekend since it doesn't have a camera - he'll be able to use it with counselor supervision during break times. Part of me thinks it's nuts that he wants me to bring him his laptop so he can get some work done, but I also know that he has to finish up some schedules & paperwork & transition them to other faculty members so they can pick up where he left off. I'm hopeful that this is the last weekend where he does work & that he spends the rest of his off-time focusing on other things.

As for he & I talking? I partially think it would be good for us to not talk so much so that he can focus on himself and his recovery, but there's a part of me that just misses him and wants to talk to him, see how he's doing, check in on him, etc. (And to hear more funny stories about how he's accidentally setting off alarms, lol!)