AH is singing a different tune
 

Someone please tell me to stay detached, to be on alert, and to stick to my guns about what I really want out of a marriage. My AH has been genuinely committed to me and our son, he seems more like the man I fell in love with, and he even asked me for a hug yesterday. But, when I embraced him, I felt awkward, I felt on alert, and like I didn't trust the motives or my own intuition. I constantly feel like I'm second guessing myself.

We basically got kicked out of marriage counseling. We were told to come back once a month to check in with him but that weekly sessions were a waste of time because AH wouldn't change. That was 2 weeks ago and it's like he's done a 180.

I, then, got a notice from the DMV today telling us that AH has another 6 months tacked onto his interlock because he had 2 attempts to start the car but exceeded the limit. I did not know about this specifically. Well, our son told me a few weeks ago that AH got 6 months added because, "Dad left the car running at the gas station and didn't hear the beep go off." Umm, I knew better. I just didn't know he had 2 attempts and he's made no mention of it to me, either.

I guess I just am not ready to trust yet. But, there's a part of me that craves the 'normal' and I feel myself being drawn to it. Then, I remind myself that this pattern seems to repeat. It's probably what's kept me in this marriage for this long, knowing that good times will come around eventually.

I'm just confused and needed to write it all out. FYI: the hug thing was after the funeral for his mother so I think there was some emotion relating to the passing of his mother, too, but his new nice persona has been around for a few weeks before she passed. And, her passing was unexpected so he and his siblings are taking her death pretty hard. Turns out she had a heart attack and fell. The police found her while investigating another elderly neighbor's traffic issue(the woman ran into a few parked cars on their street and the police were speaking to her). They saw that my mother in law's door was ajar, her walker was on the porch, and there was a bunch of mail sitting on the porch. The police entered the home and found her body. It really was sad and I think my AH's siblings are feeling guilty that they hadn't been checking on her more frequently. Both AH and I were the only relatives who had spoken to her the week before she passed.

I think your gut is telling you to keep on alert for a very good reason.
Addicts are great manipulators and even if serious ...a few weeks is nothing in the bigfer picture

Tough one my friend. Caution is reasonable but allowing yourself to enjoy good moments is pretty much a requirement for any sort of life.

Is this different? Who knows.

He just lost his mother and you mentioned that alcoholism played a part in her passing right? That's not a subtle reminder that alcoholism is deadly is it?

I'm not saying everything is ok but if we get to a point where we are unwilling to accept someone's amends then progress is not possible. He's trying? That's a start... Or maybe just a phase... You are allowed to enjoy the good things.

Anyway, just my perspective... I've been told that Poh and I will probably not make it so many times that I just stopped worrying about and figure that if that is true then I better not waste good days worrying about bad ones.

Hugs are good. We need hugs.

Hang in there, you've been on the roller coaster here lately and it's scary to believe after so many disappointments. I'm hoping that this makes sense and you can just accept today for today's sake and see what happens tomorrow without the weight of expectations - good or bad. He's hurting and turned to you instead of on you. That's a good day.

Your friend ;-)

Go with your gut. Honestly 2 weeks is nothing like TLG said. We alcoholics are great manipulators and good liars. And oops we forget to tell you things. Him not telling you about the extention is a red flag.

Don't second guess yourself. Stay alert and stay detached. And most of all stick to your guns about what you want out of your marriage. He has to show you he is in for the long haul and is committed to quitting drinking. Us alcoholics can be very sneaky sorry to say. I don't mean to be negative, it is just the reality.

I would proceed with caution, and not slap on those rose colored glasses. Two things, he had to know that the interlock was being extended, and he is grieving right now.

Personally, I would trust my gut, the therapist may understand him better than you do.

Sometimes, we codies just don't see things clearly.

I have never heard of getting kicked out of marriage counceling. Wow, it must be pretty bad. The 6 months added on to his alcohol device will cost a lot of money. Of course, he doesn't have to use one when he rents automobiles in other states. It just sounds like the same song & dance over & over.

LOL, those weren't the counselors words. That was my interpretation when he sat there with his hands out and sighed when AH wouldn't bend or change his tune. He finally said, "Guys, I don't think this is a good idea and is a waste of time. Maybe we should just stop these sessions." Then, AH balked because he liked the sessions as they gave him an outlet to scream and yell and act out and the counselor offered this, "Well, if you still want to see me, how about you guys just come back once every 4 weeks or so?" I kinda see this as a rejection. I felt like the once a month offer was like throwing a dog a bone. I'm still kinda angry about that one. The interlock only costs $100 a month, I guess it could be worse. At least they didn't take away his license or throw him back in jail.

Go back and read your old posts Liz. Doesn't he do this regularly? And don't you fall for it just as regularly? Seriously, it's a pattern. Go back and see what I mean...

L

Yes, but this seems more genuine and kind. Again, this is why I am uncomfortable and I'm going to be reminding myself of what I want in a marriage. I am determined to take care of me and if he doesn't like it or balks at the idea, then I know where we stand anyway.

And that's your part of the pattern. Buying into it. (or maybe wanting so badly for it to be real) If you read the old posts, you will see what I mean...

L

Yep..ding ding ding.....UGH! See, this is why I need the reminders here. How easy we forget. I've been like this my entire life and did this with my birth family.

I was recently telling my sister the story of when I got chicken pox at 16. My sister had just finished chemo for leukemia(she's 8 years younger than me) and the family was going on a whale watching trip in MA. My parents decided to leave me home alone for 4 days with the chicken pox and gave me a neighbor's number to call for help. I didn't have a drivers license yet, either. I was soooo sick and soooo resentful for years but I buried it. I 'forgot' about it for the sake of keeping the peace. My sister said she never knew why I wasn't there, my parents didn't tell her I was ill. She was outraged and said, "Didn't that make you mad? How could they do that to you?" I guess I figured, "Well, it's just the chicken pox, I guess they didn't think it could be that bad." Honestly, I don't even remember them calling to check on me. My neighbor came over with an oatmeal bath and I swear I laid in the bathtub for hours each day.

It's amazing how patterns repeat.

Liz, what exactly is it that he's done that's so impressive? He's been nice for two weeks, and he's given you a hug.

On the other hand he concealed his bad behavior which resulted in an extension of 6 months for the car monitor thingee. And he got booted out of marriage counseling because he wouldn't get serious.

I'm sure there's more - just try writing down the good and the bad and see how it really stacks up.

I'm having a very hard time right now dealing with the fact that my STBXAH and I had some really good times as well as terrible. It makes me want to "go back". What my psychiatrist said today is that AH really is Jekyll and Hyde, and I'll never know which one is showing up. And, most importantly, I can't have the good guy without the bad guy.

In other words, some good behavior just doesn't cancel out the rest. It is a cycle caught in an everlasting loop. From following your saga here on SR, it has often seemed to me that we similar experiences. Just an observation, take what you like, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

The therapist knows when the sessions are being manipulated. Thankfully you must have a good therapist , because they could have just kept charging you and your insurance. My brother got kicked out of therapy too..similar reasons - he manipulates and would toy with his psychiatrist. Why be there if he isnt going to try?

Isn't this marriage counselor himself a recovering alcoholic?

No, that was the first therapist whom AH didn't like because the guy was trying to force AH to address the drinking. This new guy was a bit better about choosing his words around AH and was very sensitive to AH. Like AH hates the word addiction or alcoholic and the first guy wouldn't drop the word but the second guy danced around it enough that it pleased AH and AH would keep going to counseling. Honestly, I felt that the whole marriage counseling thing was a game to AH and a waste of my time.

It occurred to me that when I'm really hungry and I have reached the point of weakness from lack of nourishment .....crumbs don't really cut it.

How long have you survived on the crumbs? (How long did I try to convince myself that the scraps I was thrown from time to time were enough?)

I for one will resolve never to get back on the diet of crumbs and scraps.

My partner (if there ever is another one) better know how to prepare a square meal that is not only nourishing but also tastes good. If not, I will cook for myself.

Liz, that chicken pox story broke my heart. What a big hurt to carry.
Hang in there.
Sending hugs,
MamaKit

Thanks, MamaKit. I agree about the crumbs and scraps bit. We get so starved in our relationship that one hug and a few smiles can make us think that a new leaf has been turned. That's why I asked for everyone to remind me why I need to stay strong, and why I need to keep the focus on MY recovery. The minute my focus goes to him, I flounder and lose my resolve. And, the funny thing is, I'm not even physically attracted to him at this point so even these little emotional connections are enough to turn me around. Weird. Oh, wait, nope, it's called codependency, LOL!

Hi Liz, What caught my attention in your post was that you said you wanted "normal" ~ but it doesn't sound like what you've been dealing with is normal at all. Familiar maybe, but not in a healthy way. My first husband wasn't an addict (unless rage counts) ~ he was an abuser. It was shocking to me after I finally got away and literally moved to the opposite coast that there were times I missed the former familiar things, even the bad ones sometimes. It's stressful to have so much change going on at once, even when it's for the best.

Are you familiar with the DV cycle of violence? Tension building, incident, calm, honeymoon period ~ repeat. Looking into that cycle and "power play" may be helpful and help you build on your inner strength and resolve even if DV doesn't apply in your situation.

I wouldn't get too comfortable with the "new him".

You were let go from marriage counseling in a nice way - the guy must be good. The sessions pointless - no one changing. Waste of time, save your money.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Liz, god this breaks my heart. My parents did things like this to me too. They used to take "family vacations" where everyone was invited except me. My sisters never knew why I didn't go, that I didn't want to be there, or didn't like them or something, but the truth was that I just wasn't invited, or that they were planned for times my parents knew I couldn't go, like, say, finals week, or the busiest month of my work-year. The one that stung the most was when my mom took my sisters on a trip to Italy and left me behind. On holidays, they reminisce about all the great times they had on this trip or that trip, and I just sit there with a lump in my throat or have to leave and find something else to do.

There's a part of me that feels completely rejected, unlovable, alone. This pattern plays out in most of my relationships. The thing is that there's nothing TO say about it, is there? All the hurt and resentment in the world doesn't make them see you, and it sure doesn't make them cherish you the way you deserve.

Like MamaKit says, I've been living for crumbs for a long time. But I'm so hungry now, the crumbs don't even touch the hunger. Luckily I've realized I can kill, cook, and eat my... own needs? Bad metaphor. :) The crumbs aren't enough. I have to find ways to feed myself, and to surround myself with people who don't resent having to throw me the occasional bone. I want a few good times without having to pay for them later. I want a partner, and if I can't have that, I'd rather be alone.

Your AH has thrown out some crumbs. Hang back, adjust your expectations, see what happens. Find a way to scoop up little Liz and just hold and hold and hold her.