AH is singing a different tune

Old 01-31-2013, 11:19 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Instead of asking him to do anything. Telling him what he's "doing wrong." Why not just observe how he behaves when there are no mandates to follow? Is he trustworthy? Does he make a good partner? Is he willing to do the right thing even without you telling him what that is?
Yikes, this is what I'm doing with my AH, to my chagrin. I'm holding back, hoping against all reason at this point, that he makes some grand gesture that shows me everything is going to be okay.

How crazy is that?! Ha.
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:22 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I could really relate to your story about the chicken pox. My mother did similar things.

In my early 20's I was in a car accident and she acted like a horse's patoot. She just acted like it was an inconvenience to her.

In her later years she was a lot nicer and we had a better relationship.

I've been in tons of therapy and tons of 12-step meetings. It still hurts.
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:25 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
My father wasn't really a full blown alcoholic when I was a kid but he was a belittler, he was verbally abusive, and I was always the brunt of his jokes. My mother never stepped in, she claims she never recognized it for what it was: abuse. That's probably true, both my sister and I live in la-la land half the time and we don't really see people's actions for what they are. It's something I obviously have to keep working on.

Thanks for your input here, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
Wow - this struck a chord with me. You described my father to an absolute T! Was doing my thinking on the drive into work this morning and came to the startling realization that my dad acted just like an alcoholic. Except he didn't drink.

Thanks for writing this. I have been NC with my dad for almost a decade and was kind of thinking about writing him again, but reading that just made me remember why he is no longer a part of my life.
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:56 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
See, in my experience, it's this kind of thinking that perpetuates the cycle. So you say to him, you have to earn back my trust. And he says, what do you want me to do? And you give him a "list" of all the stuff he has to do to earn his way back. Then, he does all the things on your "list." But, you still don't trust him because he is just going through the motions, checking things off the list, trying to get you off his back. Then he says, you're impossible to please, I did all the things you asked me to and you still don't trust me. Then he blames you for moving the goal post and takes no responsibility for his actions or lack of. And around and around it goes.

Instead of asking him to do anything. Telling him what he's "doing wrong." Why not just observe how he behaves when there are no mandates to follow? Is he trustworthy? Does he make a good partner? Is he willing to do the right thing even without you telling him what that is?

Ugh, you hit the nail on the head. Even when we were sitting in marriage counseling he was begging me and the therapist, "Tell me what to do!!!" He was yelling it at one point. The therapist finally told him he MUST go to individual counseling before any head way would be made in marriage counseling, but I guess I do see it as him just checking a box. I'm not sure now if he's going because he knows he needs it and/or wants it, or if he's just doing it because he was told to do so by our marriage therapist.

And, to answer your questions: I think 'more will be revealed' is appropriate at this point. No, I don't trust him now. He used to be a good partner so I believe he could be, if he wanted to be. As for whether he is willing to do the right thing: I have no idea.....and that's why I have to keep working with my sponsor, working with my own therapist, and taking my time.
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Old 01-31-2013, 12:14 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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I think if someone could figure out a formula to restore trust in a relationship/situation they would be worthy on a Nobel Peace Prize.

Personally, I do not believe there is anything the other person can do or say to regain a lost trust. You spend most of your days consumed with his words or lack of them, reading between the lines, adjusting your sails to meet his ever changing needs. I have lived with false hope, "the maybe this time he gets it" and quite frankly, it's flipping exhausting. There either is trust or not. period.

No wonder we get so confused, we are tired, tired of overthinking the same situation over, and over , and over. Looking for a non existent silver lining. Soothing ourselves with the " it could be worse". But this is what happens every stinkin time when we give our power to another. We are left to doubt ourselves and our self worth.

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Old 01-31-2013, 12:22 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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liz, I believe his DUI gave you a reality check that he was an alcoholic. It seemed you were more concerned about his DUI than he was. What happens when the machine is removed and, heaven forbid, he gets another DUI?? His 6 month punishment extension on his alcohol interlock device shows he still doesn't get it. You justify that it is "only 100bucks a month". Wow, that would be quite a bit of money for me.
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