redatlanta

Gosh this is a kick in the stomach.

I am with Dollydo its time to separate your finances....forever. I know we all have our lines drawn in the sand as to what we will deal with and what not, financial issues are pretty close to the top of the list for me. Its bad enough to deal with the emotional distress of addiction and adding financial ruin is not someplace I am willing to go.

However, I have always kept my finances separate in my relationships. Not being deceitful or secretive about the money I make - I simply refuse to allow myself to be controlled by someone else money (or lack of it).

ShootingStar1

Amisi, since you are married to your alcoholic, and his debts are yours and your debts are his, what about having his salary direct deposited into an account that you control, and then he gets an allowance?

This wouldn't have to be forever, but it would take the threat of financial insecurity off the table, and it would force him to face his tendency toward deceit about money very directly. And it would let him focus on the other, main aspects of his recovery. In some ways, since his financial mismanagement was a big deal in his treatment of you, it would be a litmus test of whether he is really intending and able to change.

Just a thought, take what you want, leave the rest.

ShootingStar1

Florence

We finally divided our incomes. I took the credit cards, even the ones that had his name on them. I took over paying the bills. He paid in to the household joint account bi-weekly when he got paid. The joint account was for bill-paying, no extras. I had my own private accounts, and told him he was free to do with his leftover money whatever he liked. He saved nothing, spent it on silly incidentals, gas, and cigarettes.

It was a gnarly conversation when this finally happened, but my AH is a good guy, he knew what he'd done and that I had every right to try to correct my finances even if it hurt his feelings. It did cause a lot of resentments, and it also caused AH to go behind my back and borrow from his enabling parents, telling them god knows what, who knows how many times. It was a mixed outcome, but the bills were paid on time every month.

vickih

I found out my AH husband of 30 years drank secretly our entire marriage when I admitted him to detox after a trip to the ER on New Year's. I know, hard to believe but am discovering it's not all that uncommon. I'm attending Al-Anon twice a week and preparing for his release from inpatient treatment next week.

I've also chosen to stay and work on the relationship. And found your comments about your experience the past 3 months extremely helpful (almost hopeful if I let it in). My biggest fear is that because I didn't know he was drinking all those years... I'll miss the signs of a relapse. But am guessing that's where Al-Anon and slowing changing how we connect emotionally will make a difference. I don't have to do this perfectly... at 59 I've learned that for sure.

Any tips for the first few weeks he's back from treatment? Practical or emotional. Thanks.

Florence

Vickih, you'll get a lot of great responses if you start a new thread in this friends and family forum. Read the stickies at the top of the page, and hang out, vent, and air your grievances. There's a lot of wisdom and recovery to be found here.

And welcome!

Amisi

Thank you to everyone for the great suggestions and shared stories. Looking forward, I am going to take the suggestions of separating finances, and I love the idea of a shared bill pay account and with a separate safety net for myself.

And Vickih welcome! Im new here myself, but the stories shared really help me to feel like someone out there understands, and Im not losing my mind. :ghug3: