Carmie01

Hello everyone,

I joined today after finding this site and feel I am not so alone with my problem. I will try to keep it brief. My husband has been drinking heavily for years now but it is getting worse.

What has really swung me into action is that my 15 year old daughter has told me that at school she broke down in front of the head of year a couple of months ago and told him all about her Dads drinking. He referred her for counselling at school and she been seeing the counsellor for a couple of months. This has really upset me because I thought she was coping well (I knew that it must affect her on some level) but as she is always cheerful and out and about with her friends I was hoping that she was coping but clearly she is not.

My other two daughters are 20 and 22yrs (my eldest is a student Nurse and at uni) and my 20 yr old is living at home and has a 18month baby (he is gorgeous!)

My husband works from home and drinks almost every night from early evening till 2 to 4am in the morning. He keeps us awake banging around and when he is drunk he is aggressive, loud and obnoxious and doesn't care what affect it has on us all. Then he doesn't get up till midday and some days its not till 4pm. When he does surface he is a nightmare and denies his behaviour. It's a never ending cycle of misery for us.

We are in a way financially stuck as my daughter and I work with the family business and because of his drinking the business is suffering as well so we have slid into serious debt issues.

I wonder if any of you have any words of wisdom for me? I am in the process of contacting AA/Al anon as well.

Apologies if I have rambled on.


Thanks in advance!

ReflectingOnMe

You didn't ramble on and honestly, I encourage rambling - it helps us get it out. I think it is wonderful that your daughter sought out someone to talk to. Alcoholism is usually a family 'secret'. That is a lot of pressure on a person; she most likely needed an outlet that wasn't familia. You need that outlet too. Glad to see you contacted Alanon - it is a big help; just remember we can't help the alcoholic..no level of threatening/bargaining etc will make them seek treatment. Your AH has to decide on his own. However, you and your children can find ways of handling the situation better for yourselves. Ways to cope, ways to destress, ways to set boundries. I encourage you to take the time to read through all the threads on here; it is a bit time consuming - but so very worth it. You are not alone...not in the least.

mfanch

I was in your situation (me as the daughter in counseling). My mother kicked my dad out. When he hit bottom, he found AA and sobriety. Mom went to Alanon and worked the steps there. That was 31 years ago. My siblings and I have all had to work through the issues of all this. Addiction is a family ailment. Everyone is affected and reacts in their own ways, all of which probably could benefit from therapy. It did for me.

They never did get back together, but they are both happy now. After the divorce, they both remarried and life has moved forward.

AtATotalLoss

Hi there! I am a recent join here myself and have already found it to be incredible to read everyone's stories (No, you are not crazy!! It is not 'all in your head'!!).
Simple answer to your title question: you can't. YOU can't 'make' him get help. He needs to want to do it for himself. If he isn't there in his own mind yet, it really doesn't matter what you say or do. That is a hard and sobering (pun intended) reality to face, but as soon as you do, you can actually start thinking clearly about your next steps. I know that has been the case for me anyways
I am the child of an alcoholic who has just recently started trying to get sober. I feel for your daughters for sure I put on the 'happy face' when I was a teenager too, but am just now (at age 31) coming to realize what a high emotional toll being around it put on me. I am glad your youngest is getting some counseling.
Most of all, I am so sorry for what you and your fam are dealing with right now. I know what a difficult proposition it is dealing with someone that is out of control. I think AlAnon would be a good start for you as well as for your girls. And these forums are also full of a lot of really good information and people that have a lot of wisdom to share, so read read read.
I will keep you and your girls in my thoughts!!

Carmie01

Thanks for your kind words. I have tried to get him to see how bad things are getting and sometimes he does admit but his catchphrases are "I didn't behave like that" or "You're are making it all up" or eventually 'Oh I'm sorry I didn't realise"

So I know he know's things are bad but he just doesn't care. So enough is enough.. I'm feeing so much better for just joining here!

PohsFriend

Read my mind.

Carmie01

Hi and thanks for your reply. I'm so happy for you that things eventually worked out for you. I know for a fact that my AH won't leave the home as he is the main bread winner and is in a high powered, well paid career, everything is set up in his home office. In a few rows I have told him to leave and stay at his mums but no way would he ever entertain that! I would need to seek legal advise but there is just no way I could afford to keep the payments up on this house.

Carmie01

Hi and thanks for your kind words. It sounds like you and many other have been 'through the mill' too: It's hard for kids though and that is what is worrying me so much. ( I was hoping somehow, someway a miracle would happen but after speaking to you guy's it looks like I am not going to get him to face the truth and get help.

Anyhow I am going to try and find a way out.. God knows how but there must be a way.

He is off out this very moment to watch the football... "baton down the hatches"

AtATotalLoss

The beautiful part of you trying to get help for you is that you will come to realize that since you do not have any control over it, you also don't have to keep trying to control it. It is exhausting enough to take care of one's self, it is beyond tiring to try to police someone else too. And I am sure you've heard the proverb "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink (or not drink in this case)". Same is true for people.
And believe me!! We all wish for the 'miracle'. And sometimes it happens. But most of the time, it does not. The best you can do is to learn how to take care of you.
You sound like a lady with a lot of chutzpah - I am sure you will get through this

fluffyflea

You probably can,t get help for him but you can get help for youself (Alanon) and your daughter (Alateen).

Carmie01

So true! I have no control over him... it's dawning on me that I have to find a way. It's just so scary after all these years being at home with all the chaos and now trying to find the courage to do something to help myself, my girls and grandson. Thanks so much, I really do appreciate your reply.

Carmie01

Thanks for your reply. I was hoping someway he would wake up but not so! I have made contact with Alanon, but not heard of Alateen, which will be very helpful for my 15yr old daughter.

fluffyflea

If they don,t have Alateen meetings in your area maybe there is something through school. And possibly there are Alateen books you could get for her.

Recovering2

It's not that he chooses not to care, he doesn't have the ability to care when he is actively drinking. The mid brain is where addiction happens, that's the same brain that reptiles have. It is interested in survival only, so the A will do anything to protect his need to drink and get the result his body is craving. Caring, compassion, reason, empathy, etc happen in a different part of the human brain. Those 2 parts of the brain don't communicate in addiction. That's why you can't make him care about this. He's either going to figure it out on his own as a result of natural consequences, or he will drink and take you down with him.
We all learn something important in AlAnon. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it. To try to do control his drinking, or his sobriety, is fruitless and will make you ill and crazy in the end. The only thing you can control is you. It's important to seek support in AlAnon, and on this site. You can learn to detach from his behavior and get help for your girls.
Keep posting...we're here for you.

Carmie01

Thanks so much for replying. This is the reason I joined here. I had no idea of how alcohol affects the brain. I have learnt so much today by just being on here. The frustration, despair and anger that I feel has been bubbling up for such a long time. Now I feel more in control as I have more insight from the replies I have had today.

My mental and physical health has deteriorated significantly over the past year as a result of all the stress living with my AH. I suffer with panic attacks and feel physically sick all the time. Everything you just said makes perfect sense.

I have to take control of my life, somehow.

Recovering2

I learned that alcoholism is a "contagious" disease, in that we all become ill as a result of living with the disease. Loved ones often develop the same physical symptoms as the A: insomnia, GI upset, loss of appetite, mood swings, headaches, anxiety etc etc. Also, as the A builds a tolerance to the drug we also build a tolerance to their behavior. So we find ourselves putting up with stuff we never dreamed we would accept in our life! We're not crazy, we're caught up in the chaos of the disease.

We have to start to work on our own recovery from all of this. We can get healthy even if the A chooses not to. That's the beauty of AlAnon, learning to find ourselves again even in the midst of active disease. We learn we have NO control over our loved one, we have to let them experience the consequences of their disease if they are going to ever have a chance at getting help.

Keep posting and find an AlAnon group near you. The more you learn, the more you learn.

LexieCat

I've been in two marriages to alcoholics, and am now four and a half years sober, myself. Just to echo what the others have said, there is little you can do to make him get help unless he wants it. There IS, OTOH, much that you can do to make your life and your family's life better. Al-Anon won't teach you how to get him sober (since there isn't any way to do that), but it will help you get your head on straight so you can consider all your options.

Glad your daughter is in counseling--that's great.

CeciliaV

Oh, the convenient memory of an A! I don't know that I would recommend doing this to others, but I've used AH's camera phone to take video of him at his worst - slurring, drooly, and passing out drunk. I got his permission to do it beforehand during a sober conversation with him. Seeing the video didn't stop him from continuing to drink, but I think it did open his eyes a bit (along with a stay at a skanky motel this last weekend!). I have had to see that more times than I care to count, and it was important for him to see it too and to see what he's become. I'm not going to say that the slurry videos and motel stay made him decide to go to rehab (starting tomorrow, woohoo!), but I also can't say they didn't have an effect.

Carmie01

Thanks so much for your reply. Yes I have felt lost and desperate not knowing which way to turn. I need to try to sort my thoughts out and this forum has helped me so much just from the replies I understand there is hope for me and the girls, even though I realise now that my AH has to help himeself and there is nothing I can do for him. That is such a revelation for me!

Carmie01

oops double post!