pms526

Hi I have been dating a recovering alcoholic for 12 months now (if you can count the last month he refuses to see me). In the beginning I was prepared and believed I would not be able to drink and start a relationship with him, but he assured me that would not be the case. In fact the first time he took me home he bought me a six pack for the ride home. He never drank or acted like he wanted to drink. He was very open about his recovery and happy and excited to be clean and sober. Very remorseful for his past behavior and willing to take me to AA functions, meetings, and events where he spoke. We had one of our first date at an AA Valentines Day dance. We have had some personal conflicts and hit a few snags on the road but overall we get along great for the most part. In Dec he took on a second job to get Christmas for his kids so i didn't see him for a couple weeks,then they were here a week and we had plans for New Years Eve. Now I have drank around him occasionally sometimes he bought it but in maybe November he said he wanted me not to drink when he came over and maybe a few times before then. But I really never thought it was a big deal. He stood me up New Years Eve didn't answer my calls or my texts for 2 days then says he needs time to get him self back together. He was tempted or felt at risk to drink and was with his sponsor and in meetings. He still hasn't seen me and he says he loves me but that he has to get right and I have to decide if I mean that i don't mind giving up drinking for him and our relationship. Is this normal? It seems like a long way to go to just dump some one but that is how it feels. Like I am being dumped. any advice welcome.

fluffyflea

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He doesn;t want you to drink around him. Sounds like he,s trying to stay away from a relapse.



QUOTE=pms526;3795760]Hi I have been dating a recovering alcoholic for 12 months now (if you can count the last month he refuses to see me). In the beginning I was prepared and believed I would not be able to drink and start a relationship with him, but he assured me that would not be the case. In fact the first time he took me home he bought me a six pack for the ride home. He never drank or acted like he wanted to drink. He was very open about his recovery and happy and excited to be clean and sober. Very remorseful for his past behavior and willing to take me to AA functions, meetings, and events where he spoke. We had one of our first date at an AA Valentines Day dance. We have had some personal conflicts and hit a few snags on the road but overall we get along great for the most part. In Dec he took on a second job to get Christmas for his kids so i didn't see him for a couple weeks,then they were here a week and we had plans for New Years Eve. Now I have drank around him occasionally sometimes he bought it but in maybe November he said he wanted me not to drink when he came over and maybe a few times before then. But I really never thought it was a big deal. He stood me up New Years Eve didn't answer my calls or my texts for 2 days then says he needs time to get him self back together. He was tempted or felt at risk to drink and was with his sponsor and in meetings. He still hasn't seen me and he says he loves me but that he has to get right and I have to decide if I mean that i don't mind giving up drinking for him and our relationship. Is this normal? It seems like a long way to go to just dump some one but that is how it feels. Like I am being dumped. any advice welcome. [/QUOTE]

PohsFriend

My wife had a really hard time asking me not to drink around her because she did not want her disease to keep me from doing something I enjoyed.

If he is saying that he can't be around you whne you are drinking, believe it.

If you like to drink and like to go places where there is a lot of drinking and it is not a problem for you then it is a serious thing to consider when you look at the future with him. In my case, AA is the hub of our social life and I no longer have a nicely stocked wine fridge or my collection of fancy bourbons because my wife needs a booze free environment at this stage of her recovery and probably always will.

That's not a minor thing to give up really... there were several events I used to enjoy that are heavy on alcohol and alcohol is such a cornerstone of social interaction in this country.

But... while beer goggles are deceiving I've never seen another woman who thrills me like my wife does no matter how much I had to drink. ...and the sober lifestyle is pretty good too. Prior to my wife and I getting together my social circle was heavy on drinking... invariably one couple or more would get in a fight when we went out and act stupidly. Sober people are fun too and in my experience the long sober AA crowd is incredibly giving, understanding, non-judgmental.... really good true friends to us.

It was a good trade for ME but I am not you. Would it be hard to stop drinking or at least not drink around him? When I go out on business I'll have a few drinks but even then far less than what I used to.

BTW - lost twenty pounds when I quit ....good thing since wife is sober now and remembers what I look like naked when she wakes up!

marie1960

This may or may NOT be about his compromised sobriety.

Everyday, I use so much of the shared information found here in my business and personal life, Why ? Because it makes sense.

Just thinking about your above post you say, " if you can count the last month as he refuses to see me".......... Sorry, but his actions say it all. Recovery challenged or not.

Nobody here can tell you what is truly going on with him. Perhaps he is struggling right now. Or maybe he is moving on and letting you down as gently as possibly, or maybe........ he is just an asshat...........

if it were me, I would stop worrying about someone that doesn't have time for me, and start spending time with those who truly do care, and want to spend time with me.

LexieCat

I know many, many recovering alcoholics who make a big show of hanging around their drinking friends on the theory that everyone else has a right to drink, and the alcoholics are going to just suck it up and deal. A lot of them relapse. It is NOT a good idea for alcoholics to be around drinking in early sobriety. So maybe when he bought those drinks for you in the beginning and when he said those things, that's what he thought, but then found he was more uncomfortable than he expected and consequently now would rather not be around it.

When my first husband was newly sober it was years and years before we EVER had alcohol in the house. Eventually I asked if he'd be OK with my buying a bottle of brandy at Christmas, and by then he said it wouldn't bother him as long as it was gone when the holidays were over. He had no problem going to parties where alcohol was served but he wasn't comfortable having it in the house. His sobriety was more important to me than having it in the house, so I accommodated him.

So I guess my suggestion to you is that if drinking is important enough to you that you can't give it up around him, then you are best finding someone else to date. Just as an aside, I might also suggest that you consider how important drinking is to you, and whether that may indicate you have a problem with alcohol, yourself. Drinking a 6-pack in the car on the ride home (if I understood your post correctly) is a lot, and it is also illegal.

pms526

thanks for the honesty ! you were correct recovery was just a smoke screen and his actions were screaming I AM LEAVING YOU .....but not only that he already had=s a new woman and has simply moved on ....now what do i do???? heart broken !

CentralOhioDad

Take the gift of freedom that has been handed to you, and go live your life how you want to live it - with dignity, respect, and not having to walk on eggshells around someone so you don't 'upset them' and 'cause them' to drink.

I know, that probably sounds harsh, but once the smoke clears and you've made sound progress and realize that you're better off, you'll re-read this post and say, "That old-fart Dad from Central Ohio had it right!".

Best of Luck to you,
C-OH Dad

marie1960

Hugs to you , pms526.

Sorry that you are facing this situation.

Break-ups are always painful.

This maybe your blessing in disguise. I know it doesn't feel like it today, but with some time, and distance perhaps you will see this lost relationship in a different light.

Hang in there.

ReflectingOnMe

Find the "other woman" thread on here..really brings things into perspective. So sorry that you are experiencing such a shock. There is a great deal of valuable information in the sticky area at the top of the f&f of alcoholics forum. Peace to you.

NYCDoglvr

Recovering alcoholics know they must put sobriety before everything (and everyone) else. If he had a major drink signal he made the right choice in cancelling the evening. Sometimes being around other drinkers is no problem, but sometimes it's a big problem. Nothing is cut and dried with this disease. I'm a recovering alcoholic (21 years) and codependent. I understand him but also understand your hurt and puzzlement. The important part is accepting whatever happens and remembering no one can control outcomes.