Sadly he died
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Sadly he died
Sorry I haven't been in touch for a month or so. It is after midnight here and I just can't sleep for crying. My partner died of liver failure in the first week of the New Year and his family are carrying on their horrible behaviour and only told me today when the funeral is. At the end he was so ill there was no chance of recovery but he wasn't in discomfort and I managed to get to see him. He was in a coma but before Christmas he told me he loved me and I have a very lovely photo of him he wanted me to take. He waited until his family weren't there before passing away and I was there alone with the nurse. I don't feel comfortable going to the funeral but feel I would be letting him down if I don't. I feel so sorry for him because I'm sure he wouldn't have touched another drop if he'd got better. Sorry to rant.
Would like some advice about whether I should go.
Would like some advice about whether I should go.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
So sorry for your loss Patsy.
:ghug3
I am so pleased that you were able to be there at such a special time.
Leave the mad family to do their thing.
(They will anyway)
Since they have given you the info on the funeral, take that as an invitation.
Of course the decision to go is absolutely yours.
If you want to go, go.
You already had a special goodbye.
If you are not up to it, you can organize a little memorial with your own circle.
Very sorry for your loss.
:ghug3
I am so pleased that you were able to be there at such a special time.
Leave the mad family to do their thing.
(They will anyway)
Since they have given you the info on the funeral, take that as an invitation.
Of course the decision to go is absolutely yours.
If you want to go, go.
You already had a special goodbye.
If you are not up to it, you can organize a little memorial with your own circle.
Very sorry for your loss.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am so very sorry, however, he is finally at peace, he is no longer in mental or physical pain.
Whether you go to the funeral or not is totally up to you, he already knows that you cared about him, you were with him at the end.
Sending support your way.
Whether you go to the funeral or not is totally up to you, he already knows that you cared about him, you were with him at the end.
Sending support your way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
His family made it so difficult to let me see him having persuaded him to go to his parents 200 miles away to convalesce as I had cancer. I had no idea he was so bad at the end as I only saw him just before Christmas. It really makes me sick to think of seeing them again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sorry for your loss. I hate this disease--it takes many good people. I'm glad you were able to say your goodbyes and "I love you"s.
As everyone said, it really is up to you whether to go. If it were me, I think I would skip it. You have tender memories of him, and the funeral might be an ordeal because of his family. He wouldn't have wanted you to suffer, either.
I like the idea of having your own memorial service for him. After all, it isn't HIM that will be in the box at the funeral--just his shell that gave was finally beaten. His spirit was not.
As everyone said, it really is up to you whether to go. If it were me, I think I would skip it. You have tender memories of him, and the funeral might be an ordeal because of his family. He wouldn't have wanted you to suffer, either.
I like the idea of having your own memorial service for him. After all, it isn't HIM that will be in the box at the funeral--just his shell that gave was finally beaten. His spirit was not.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
I really do not want to go but I wonder if I don't I will always regret it. His family totally took him over and I am agonising over whether he did really love me at the end because of what they have said. I know really that it was the toxins getting to his brain that were talking really and we had 8 lovely (when he wasn't drinking) years together so there is no need for me to put myself through this when I am still recovering from surgery myself. I do thank everyone for their replies which are helpful and sorry not to have replied to each one but my broadband connection is not too good tonight. I am worried I will start drinking excessively too so will appreciate help in future days as I know he was worried that might happen when he passed on. He really was so brave in the end. Even though he was an alcoholic I was proud of him and proud to be his partner.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Oh Patsy... I'm so sorry for your loss.
The thing about love is, when it's there, and undoubtably fills the heart and soul, no matter what anyone says, that love never goes away. It seems to me that you loved him through his difficult times no matter what happened in your relationship and something tells me, he loved you too. He passed with you beside him and not them. I am a firm believer that when the time comes, people will hold on and/or hold out til someone comes into or leaves the room. He chose to share that with you and you alone even though a nurse was with you.
Through all of this turmoil, I would leave that one special moment you two shared and leave it as your end and your good bye. This is not a farewell for him but for those living because he is already gone. I think that with the little bit of info I see, that it will be like opening healed wounds for you and unnecesary.
Remember the good times. Let him take the bad times with him. Keep the love you shared and cherish the memories.
The thing about love is, when it's there, and undoubtably fills the heart and soul, no matter what anyone says, that love never goes away. It seems to me that you loved him through his difficult times no matter what happened in your relationship and something tells me, he loved you too. He passed with you beside him and not them. I am a firm believer that when the time comes, people will hold on and/or hold out til someone comes into or leaves the room. He chose to share that with you and you alone even though a nurse was with you.
Through all of this turmoil, I would leave that one special moment you two shared and leave it as your end and your good bye. This is not a farewell for him but for those living because he is already gone. I think that with the little bit of info I see, that it will be like opening healed wounds for you and unnecesary.
Remember the good times. Let him take the bad times with him. Keep the love you shared and cherish the memories.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Thank you BoxinRotz even though my cats would not like your choice of dog! I think you are probably right. When he passed away I had been sitting with him for 4 days often with his sister and parents and as we thought he could no longer hear us the nurse said she didn't know why he was hanging on and I said I'd told him to let go when he had had enough and not to worry about me as I would always love him but I would be ok. And then the nurse said, he was listening as he had died. I think I did my best for him under the circumstances but it is eating me up inside.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 119
Lovely cat photos
My (our) Maine Coons Ferdinand and Algernon have been what has kept me together over the last few months.
Nearly 2am here so will have to try and sleep. Thank you.
Nearly 2am here so will have to try and sleep. Thank you.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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lol Patsy, that is my Rotty Boo Boo. She is a Doll Baby and I know she would not bat an eye at your kitties or think of them as lunch. Your kitties though would most definately have a fit if they were in the same room with her! 
haha
haha
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
So sorry for your loss Patsy. You will be in my thoughts. You and he had the opportunity to say everything that needed said. His family's opinions on the situation no longer matter. May peace envelop you. Hugs - Tricia
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Posts: 729
Patsy - I don't have any words that convey the right message of sympathy but I hurt thinking of what you are going through.
I don't know if this helps you but funerals are for the living, not the deceased. I know that it's hard to take a course of action that could be perceived as a lack of respect or caring but well... To whom would it seem that way? His toxic family whom you will never see again?
Take it with a grain of salt, but unless it would give you comfort or you want to comfort someone who will be there then perhaps remembering him as he was, your personal and private goodbye ...maybe that's best. In any case, it's an intensely personal choice and nobody's place to judge.
I didn't have the honor of knowing him but I have to think he'd want you to keep that good memory as the last memory. Take what helps, ignore the rest and my sincere sympathies..
I don't know if this helps you but funerals are for the living, not the deceased. I know that it's hard to take a course of action that could be perceived as a lack of respect or caring but well... To whom would it seem that way? His toxic family whom you will never see again?
Take it with a grain of salt, but unless it would give you comfort or you want to comfort someone who will be there then perhaps remembering him as he was, your personal and private goodbye ...maybe that's best. In any case, it's an intensely personal choice and nobody's place to judge.
I didn't have the honor of knowing him but I have to think he'd want you to keep that good memory as the last memory. Take what helps, ignore the rest and my sincere sympathies..
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by Patsy22 
His family made it so difficult to let me see him having persuaded him to go to his parents 200 miles away to convalesce as I had cancer. I had no idea he was so bad at the end as I only saw him just before Christmas. It really makes me sick to think of seeing them again.
The way they behaved throughout his battle and in the hospital room during his last days was absolutely unforgivable. I sincerely hope he was unconscious for all of it. I didn't dare leave the room for days on end lest things get out of hand. When he died, they chose to bury him in a section of the cemetery which was inconsistent with his beliefs. I had to tread carefully to convince ex-MIL not to go for a hideously garish towering headstone she had picked out that was not at all in my partner's taste, and watched in horror as they fought among themselves about whose names would be etched in the marble and in what order, and whose names were simply not allowed. It was truly awful. They then went out and immediately bought themselves expensive new cars with his money and stripped our house of anything and everything they could get their hands on.
It will take you time to deal with all the anger and upset that comes with the shattering of the idealistic belief that people manage to pull themselves together for the sake of the sick in their hour of need and do the right thing. It took me a long time, but maybe I was more idealistic than you are.
Pohsfriend is right. Funerals are for the living, so it's entirely your choice whether you go or not. I can completely understand and empathise with your desire not to see those people ever again, especially in such an emotionally-wrought situation such as the funeral. In my case, every shred of my being wanted to delete those people from my life immediately. Going to the funeral was extremely difficult, and, to be honest, I will never understand what the point of funerals is. That being said, I am glad I went. I knew that no matter how hard it was, that by going I would avoid any regret I might feel if I didn't.
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