You Don't Miss Him
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Posts: 222
You Don't Miss Him
It doesn’t take much to miss him: a song, a movie, a TV show. Maybe it’s a friend mentioning his name, or seeing or meeting someone who shares his name. The pain is almost unbearable.
The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.
You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.
Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.
If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”
Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.
Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.
You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”
What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.
You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.
But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.
The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.
Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.
Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.
It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”
You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.
He was just a ghost.
From the Current Conscience
Blog by Yashar
—————————————
The “him” I speak of is the man you used to be in a relationship or the man who you hoped to be in a relationship with. But he’s no longer in your life in the way he used to be. You still think you genuinely feel love for him, despite the fact that he’s no longer a major part of your life for a reason: he is a jerk. He hurt you, probably repeatedly. And you know in your heart of hearts that you have no business ever having a relationship or probably even having any sort of friendship with him. But you still miss him a lot–even if he was and is bad for you.
You’re tightly holding onto the memories of this man despite the fact that you know that it’s time to move on. You miss him more than you can clearly express, you think of him all the time, and your heart aches at the thought of not having him near.
Of course, the problem with missing someone with whom you have an unhealthy relationship is that it leads to re-engagement with that person–which is the last thing you need. But you’ve probably texted him or called him, more than once. And you probably regretted it soon after you’ve done it. You can’t just help yourself, can you? Every bit of progress you’ve made in an attempt to gain a healthy distance from him goes straight back to zero.
If given any chance, you would take him back in a second; you hope that one day, he can turn around and admit, “I screwed up, you are what I need in my life.”
Which brings me to my point: this guy you miss so much, he doesn’t really exist.
Yup. That man you miss so much, the man you wish could hold you again, the man whose physical presence you crave, isn’t really real.
You may be saying, “Wait a minute! I was in a very real relationship, what do you mean he didn’t exist?”
What you’re missing is the idea of him, not who he really was and is.
You’re missing the version of a man that you constructed in your head. You created this version of him to fulfill a need. It could be a need to solve the problems of men in the past. It could be an unrealistic obsession with the “perfect guy.” It could be an obsession with unavailable men. Early on in your relationship or friendship, this guy somehow did things that you’ve always wanted a man you’re in a relationship to do and somehow said all the right things and that is what you end up being biased towards. He also seemingly managed to avoid doing things that men in your past did to hurt you emotionally or made you feel uncomfortable. And as soon as you witnessed this “good” behavior, you latched on to it. Box checked; this guy might be the one. You ignore all the bad stuff and hang on to the romantic fantasy of him feeding you nice lines.
But all these positive traits are the components you piece together to create this image of this guy, who wasn’t actually a good guy or at least not the man for you. And it’s that constructed version of him that makes you ache, that makes you hurt. It’s the version you miss so much. It’s the version that makes you wonder how you are ever going to find a guy like him again. You can’t imagine that another guy like him, with all his unique qualities, could exist.
The creation/idea you thought you were with, the guy you miss so much actually treated you horribly, made you cry, made you feel lonely. But you don’t think as much about those horrible moments when you are thinking of him, do you?
The parts of him that you do miss don’t really involve the negative. Rather, it’s about the idyllic. It’s about little moments with him that were so amazing; you can just close your eyes and go back to them and feel incredibly happy and then incredibly sad.
Whenever you should be reminding yourself that this guy hurt you, disappointed you, you do just the opposite. The man you managed to create, who doesn’t really exist, pops up. He’s smiling, he’s making you feel special, he’s the one who makes you feel invincible. “The idea” of him comes roaring back and sets you further behind in your progress to properly move on.
Nighttime is the worst, isn’t it? The anxiety runs high. Nothing can seemingly soothe the frustration, anger, sense of loss. Being alone is painful, but even being with your friends is equally tension-filled.
It’s enough to make you want to throw something against the wall, “Why can’t I just stop re-engaging, why can’t I just move on, why can’t I stop missing him? Why can’t I make this go away?”
You’re not going to stop missing “him” until you first acknowledge that he was never really there to begin with.
He was just a ghost.
From the Current Conscience
Blog by Yashar
—————————————
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
^^^^^
I found this over the weekend and thought it really does put things into perspective. Each day I get better and this blog was just the little boost I needed.
Breaking the Betrayal Bond has led to a great improvement in my thinking, I contributed to this break up. I contributed to all my previous break ups. Life doesn't happen to me; I make poor choices and the consequences of those choices have pained me.
When I first joined SR, I did not want to live. I wasn't suicidal but I would have welcomed death. I could barely get out of bed; I'd cry all day at work; hysterical sobs; I'd cry in the shower; driving; I didn't eat for 15 days straight. Today, I am still wounded - but I get "it". I haven't taken care of myself; I date the same man over and over again - I know it is 'daddy' issues. My dad drank a great deal when we were young; he cheated on my mother when I was 6 and left us for them (Her and her daughters - one of which was my bestfriend; left us for months - we didn't see him. My mom crumbled - no job - he took our only car. She had 3 kids; 1 of whom was on his death bed daily. My sister (13 yo) took over the runnings of the house. Mom couldn't get out of bed. Dad did eventually return, my parents worked through it and will celebrate their 50th wedding aniversary this year. I, however, choose men like my dad of younger years - charming, emotionally unavailable, addicted, lying, cheating men. I now know what to avoid in my companions - my 'trigger' characteristics. I am stronger, I have got this!
I found this over the weekend and thought it really does put things into perspective. Each day I get better and this blog was just the little boost I needed.
Breaking the Betrayal Bond has led to a great improvement in my thinking, I contributed to this break up. I contributed to all my previous break ups. Life doesn't happen to me; I make poor choices and the consequences of those choices have pained me.
When I first joined SR, I did not want to live. I wasn't suicidal but I would have welcomed death. I could barely get out of bed; I'd cry all day at work; hysterical sobs; I'd cry in the shower; driving; I didn't eat for 15 days straight. Today, I am still wounded - but I get "it". I haven't taken care of myself; I date the same man over and over again - I know it is 'daddy' issues. My dad drank a great deal when we were young; he cheated on my mother when I was 6 and left us for them (Her and her daughters - one of which was my bestfriend; left us for months - we didn't see him. My mom crumbled - no job - he took our only car. She had 3 kids; 1 of whom was on his death bed daily. My sister (13 yo) took over the runnings of the house. Mom couldn't get out of bed. Dad did eventually return, my parents worked through it and will celebrate their 50th wedding aniversary this year. I, however, choose men like my dad of younger years - charming, emotionally unavailable, addicted, lying, cheating men. I now know what to avoid in my companions - my 'trigger' characteristics. I am stronger, I have got this!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Thank you so much ReflectingOnMe. I needed this today. I have done so much work since July 4th when I ran away from my abusive alcoholic porn addicted husband. I have cried and grieved, all the while doing what I need to do to move on.
And yet, there are moments when I think I would go "back" in a second. It is insane. He did what he did. He did all those terrible things. I don't want to ever be treated like that again. I don't want to ever be a person who would let myself be treated like that again.
And yet, a lingering faint "what if" slides by me now and then like a scent on the wind.
It seems so odd to me that after this much time, this much work, I would have these junctions of terrible vulnerability. He sent me the words to Amy Grant's song "love will get us through" or whatever it is. I think that triggered me into this place. (I have been almost completely NC, but I haven't shut off my e-mail since it may win me the divorce case in court.)
I am reading into that all sorts of nonsense that he didn't say. As your post says, all the stuff that this "ghost" I have made up would tell me. At least my mind stays clear, my resolve is holding, I am growing a lot, even if this place my heart sometimes goes to is so hard.
Thank you so much for posting this. It is so great to hear that you are recovering. I have the betrayal book, and I will start reading it again. I will print out your post and re-read it.
Just trying to hang in there, rein in this perverse part of me.
ShootingStar1
And yet, there are moments when I think I would go "back" in a second. It is insane. He did what he did. He did all those terrible things. I don't want to ever be treated like that again. I don't want to ever be a person who would let myself be treated like that again.
And yet, a lingering faint "what if" slides by me now and then like a scent on the wind.
It seems so odd to me that after this much time, this much work, I would have these junctions of terrible vulnerability. He sent me the words to Amy Grant's song "love will get us through" or whatever it is. I think that triggered me into this place. (I have been almost completely NC, but I haven't shut off my e-mail since it may win me the divorce case in court.)
I am reading into that all sorts of nonsense that he didn't say. As your post says, all the stuff that this "ghost" I have made up would tell me. At least my mind stays clear, my resolve is holding, I am growing a lot, even if this place my heart sometimes goes to is so hard.
Thank you so much for posting this. It is so great to hear that you are recovering. I have the betrayal book, and I will start reading it again. I will print out your post and re-read it.
Just trying to hang in there, rein in this perverse part of me.
ShootingStar1
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Rochester, ny
Posts: 405
This is exactly how I've been feeling, even though I *am* aware (kind of Off and On.....I think you guys know what I mean.) that a lot of the feelings are my fantasy. I can see how there were many times where I had to ignore behaviors that bugged or disappointed me.
Anyway, yeah I can relate to this article...I am going to reread more slowly.
I know one thing that really realllllllly makes it hard to let go of the fantasy love is the terror of eternal abandonment. Lonliness for the rest of my life.
THAT is what makes me so afraid and triggered back into fantasy times where we felt so close ( and I'm not even talking about sex! he was so far gone i guess--I think the alcohol killed his *ahem* equipment*ahem*)
I don't know how to stop believing it...that the lonliness will go on forever, I'll be alone, I'm too old to find someone I CAN love from the heart, but who IS capable of sustaining a r-ship.
Geez, I'm 55.
I've picked soooooo many poor choices. Even with all the work I've done on myself for so long.
I am not happy about this.
Anyway, yeah I can relate to this article...I am going to reread more slowly.
I know one thing that really realllllllly makes it hard to let go of the fantasy love is the terror of eternal abandonment. Lonliness for the rest of my life.
THAT is what makes me so afraid and triggered back into fantasy times where we felt so close ( and I'm not even talking about sex! he was so far gone i guess--I think the alcohol killed his *ahem* equipment*ahem*)
I don't know how to stop believing it...that the lonliness will go on forever, I'll be alone, I'm too old to find someone I CAN love from the heart, but who IS capable of sustaining a r-ship.
Geez, I'm 55.
I've picked soooooo many poor choices. Even with all the work I've done on myself for so long.I am not happy about this.
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LMN: Please share as you see fit.
Arg: I understand completely..Im no spring chick myself. I have several aunts in my family who are mateless and completely happy . They are not lonely..they have hobbies and friends. They volunteer and attend church. It is hard to let go that single doent equal lonely; I am alone a great deal (probably 80% of the time) - but I am not lonely - I enjoy it. You will find your center... and 55 is the new 40! Your story isnt over.
Arg: I understand completely..Im no spring chick myself. I have several aunts in my family who are mateless and completely happy . They are not lonely..they have hobbies and friends. They volunteer and attend church. It is hard to let go that single doent equal lonely; I am alone a great deal (probably 80% of the time) - but I am not lonely - I enjoy it. You will find your center... and 55 is the new 40! Your story isnt over.
Last edited by ReflectingOnMe; 01-29-2013 at 03:24 AM. Reason: misspelling
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Location: New York, NY
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Wonderful post ... your description of codependency is a big help. I wrote out all the terrible things that happened and made myself read it when I started missing him. It really helped. Here's a mantra: a leopard doesn't change his spots.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you, You have no idea what an awakening call this post is for me!! Every time he made me cry I beat myself up instead and really for shore thought it was my fault. I said something wrong, or had the wrong tone, and it was because of me that he was really flirtatious (I'm sorry I'm not from the us, I don't know if my spelling is correct) with almost every girl he met, that I drained him with energy...
But yet, next day I could just lay (lie?) in his arms and I have forgotten about the day before...
And sometimes when I would spend the night there I had this vision of how nice and romantic it would be, instead he fell asleep on the couch and I sat there all alone and felt a bit disappointed... And yet, I thought "aaaw just let him sleep he's working really hard". And I stayed.
Every time I thought for myself "I don't think he's right for me, can I really see myself with him in 20-30-40 years ahead...?"
But I pushed that feeling a side and forgot all about it when he looked at me with the puppy eyes and said the right things, and i thought "of course he's the right man, I'm so stupid not see what a man I have in front of me!"...
Sorry for rambling, just had the urge to get this off my head and write it down...
Thank you again, it really is a wake-up call for me, time to let go..
But yet, next day I could just lay (lie?) in his arms and I have forgotten about the day before...
And sometimes when I would spend the night there I had this vision of how nice and romantic it would be, instead he fell asleep on the couch and I sat there all alone and felt a bit disappointed... And yet, I thought "aaaw just let him sleep he's working really hard". And I stayed.
Every time I thought for myself "I don't think he's right for me, can I really see myself with him in 20-30-40 years ahead...?"
But I pushed that feeling a side and forgot all about it when he looked at me with the puppy eyes and said the right things, and i thought "of course he's the right man, I'm so stupid not see what a man I have in front of me!"...
Sorry for rambling, just had the urge to get this off my head and write it down...
Thank you again, it really is a wake-up call for me, time to let go..
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Northern California
Posts: 106
just thoughts....Im seeing a lot of similarities in stories of all of us staying for waaaay to long, and living this fantasy with them. Im a year and a half out from him deciding he wanted a divorce and finding out about affair and just now starting to see how I lived with a fantasy in my head and not the real person he is. It makes me feel crazy, that I could live with a person for 16 yrs and not even know them. What is it that makes us wait around for them to finally be who we want them to be??
My therapist says that some day I will realize what a gift and favor this other woman gave and did for me...I would have stuck it out probably for ever...Im pretty determined,
I never would have divorced him. I was pretty entrenched in that fantasy and NEVER would have even entertained the thought of him getting involved with someone else. So it was a huge wake up call, Eye opener...what ever you want to call it..and now seeing the kind of father he is, well even more of a wake up call. lately I have been feeling thankful and am understanding what the therapist meant...
My therapist says that some day I will realize what a gift and favor this other woman gave and did for me...I would have stuck it out probably for ever...Im pretty determined,
I never would have divorced him. I was pretty entrenched in that fantasy and NEVER would have even entertained the thought of him getting involved with someone else. So it was a huge wake up call, Eye opener...what ever you want to call it..and now seeing the kind of father he is, well even more of a wake up call. lately I have been feeling thankful and am understanding what the therapist meant...
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