How quickly is it obvious when they relapse?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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How quickly is it obvious when they relapse?
Didn't think I would be back on here in this state again, but I have fears my partner will relapse back into drinking.
He has done a good job of quitting for two months now. He wasn't able to make his appointment with his therapist last week, but thankfully he has one booked for Wednesday.
There have been absolutely no signs that he will start "drinking" again, but he did break a promise to me on the weekend about taking drugs. I realise this means he's not sober, and I have spoken to him about this now. I sincerely hope he will speak with his therapist about it, but I am afraid he won't. I can't push it.
We fought about this as I had done everything to regain faith in him again in those two months, and was quite successful. But the arguments resembled those we had when he was drinking so much I was left with that awful deep depression, nausea, chest pain, etc that I only recently realised I lived with every single day he drank (the depression was minimal, but the physical signs of stress were relentless). The relief since he quit was amazing.
But I felt it again on Friday night. Our argument even got back to him accusing me of pushing him to do these things. I thought he had moved beyond such irrational thinking. Clearly I was wrong. I can't have been wrong about his progress in terms of drinking. He is not the sort of person to be capable of putting on a convincing act for these two months, and I know him well enough to know when he's lying.
I realise this probably goes against recovery, but I spoke with him about this in a quieter moment, and he has agreed that the best thing to do is to throw the rest of his drugs in the fire when he gets home from work today. I am trying to see this as a symbol of the end of this crap.
As I said above, he is not a good liar, but perhaps I also avoid noticing things. I have a feeling that I would know pretty quickly if he fell off the booze wagon, but I was hoping others out there could provide some kind of insight into how quickly you became aware that your partner had relapsed? Did anyone have no idea at all? I realise most "normal" people could easily hide the fact that they'd been drinking if they really wanted to, but the nature of the addict would probably make it pretty obvious, pretty quickly.
He has done a good job of quitting for two months now. He wasn't able to make his appointment with his therapist last week, but thankfully he has one booked for Wednesday.
There have been absolutely no signs that he will start "drinking" again, but he did break a promise to me on the weekend about taking drugs. I realise this means he's not sober, and I have spoken to him about this now. I sincerely hope he will speak with his therapist about it, but I am afraid he won't. I can't push it.
We fought about this as I had done everything to regain faith in him again in those two months, and was quite successful. But the arguments resembled those we had when he was drinking so much I was left with that awful deep depression, nausea, chest pain, etc that I only recently realised I lived with every single day he drank (the depression was minimal, but the physical signs of stress were relentless). The relief since he quit was amazing.
But I felt it again on Friday night. Our argument even got back to him accusing me of pushing him to do these things. I thought he had moved beyond such irrational thinking. Clearly I was wrong. I can't have been wrong about his progress in terms of drinking. He is not the sort of person to be capable of putting on a convincing act for these two months, and I know him well enough to know when he's lying.
I realise this probably goes against recovery, but I spoke with him about this in a quieter moment, and he has agreed that the best thing to do is to throw the rest of his drugs in the fire when he gets home from work today. I am trying to see this as a symbol of the end of this crap.
As I said above, he is not a good liar, but perhaps I also avoid noticing things. I have a feeling that I would know pretty quickly if he fell off the booze wagon, but I was hoping others out there could provide some kind of insight into how quickly you became aware that your partner had relapsed? Did anyone have no idea at all? I realise most "normal" people could easily hide the fact that they'd been drinking if they really wanted to, but the nature of the addict would probably make it pretty obvious, pretty quickly.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I had suspicions, for a month or so, that he was drinking. He did not admit it until I caught him hiding a wine glass and then found a box of wine in the trunk of his car.
Taking drugs IS a relapse. Relapses don't have to be long and dramatic. Some people have what is commonly known as a "slip" in early recovery, get right back on board and they work harder than ever, and it is never repeated.
I don't know what will happen with him. I don't know how strong his program of recovery is.
If I were you, though, I'd be ramping up the Al-Anon--whether he returns to sobriety or not, you don't want to be living in fear of a relapse.
Taking drugs IS a relapse. Relapses don't have to be long and dramatic. Some people have what is commonly known as a "slip" in early recovery, get right back on board and they work harder than ever, and it is never repeated.
I don't know what will happen with him. I don't know how strong his program of recovery is.
If I were you, though, I'd be ramping up the Al-Anon--whether he returns to sobriety or not, you don't want to be living in fear of a relapse.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
I noticed when I found a vodka receipt in his car (with an explanation of course). Then nothing for a couple of months. Then I started smelling it on him and various other signs. It progressed and became blaringly obvious in about 4 months.
After he admitted it come to find out it had been going on much longer than I knew (the initial vodka receipt - that was in May of last year). He had been dabbling since January.
We live in close quarters, spend a hell of a lot of time together and I had no idea. He is also a poor liar but not so much when it came to this.
After he admitted it come to find out it had been going on much longer than I knew (the initial vodka receipt - that was in May of last year). He had been dabbling since January.
We live in close quarters, spend a hell of a lot of time together and I had no idea. He is also a poor liar but not so much when it came to this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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I had suspicions, for a month or so, that he was drinking. He did not admit it until I caught him hiding a wine glass and then found a box of wine in the trunk of his car.
I found that instead of doing the are you using/denial/stress/drama cycle, which was endless, and which always led to a "final discussion", where I was reassured that he would do whatever was necessary to stay clean and he didn't, I learned to sit on my suspicions and proceed as normal. The truth will reveal itself, as they say here. And it always did when I wasn't chasing it. In the meantime, I was working on my boundaries, attending counseling, and reading every word on SR.
Relapses don't have to be long and dramatic.
P.S. Don't worry about what's for or "against" recovery.
This is a process, there aren't any rules.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He has not been sober for 2 months, he has been using drugs. It doesn't matter what they use, using is using. Addicts often switch their DOC. He is not in recovery, he is an active user.
Get yourself to meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips. Work on you, learn all you can about addiction, codependency and bounderies.
Sending support your way.
Get yourself to meetings, read Codependent No More, the stickeys at the top of this forum and cynical one's blogs, lots of helpful information at your fingertips. Work on you, learn all you can about addiction, codependency and bounderies.
Sending support your way.
Recovered
Join Date: Jun 2009
Posts: 1,129
I could hide my drug use for about a year (if shooting) and 4-5 years (if drinking). My last relapse (IV drugs) was Feb 2008 and I went into recovery June 2009. When my dh started "clue-ing" in on the fact that I might be using, I had been off to the races for quite a long while.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I could hide my drug use for about a year (if shooting) and 4-5 years (if drinking). My last relapse (IV drugs) was Feb 2008 and I went into recovery June 2009. When my dh started "clue-ing" in on the fact that I might be using, I had been off to the races for quite a long while.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
I had suspicions, for a month or so, that he was drinking. He did not admit it until I caught him hiding a wine glass and then found a box of wine in the trunk of his car.
Taking drugs IS a relapse. Relapses don't have to be long and dramatic. Some people have what is commonly known as a "slip" in early recovery, get right back on board and they work harder than ever, and it is never repeated.
I don't know what will happen with him. I don't know how strong his program of recovery is.
If I were you, though, I'd be ramping up the Al-Anon--whether he returns to sobriety or not, you don't want to be living in fear of a relapse.
Taking drugs IS a relapse. Relapses don't have to be long and dramatic. Some people have what is commonly known as a "slip" in early recovery, get right back on board and they work harder than ever, and it is never repeated.
I don't know what will happen with him. I don't know how strong his program of recovery is.
If I were you, though, I'd be ramping up the Al-Anon--whether he returns to sobriety or not, you don't want to be living in fear of a relapse.
Audrey - as Lexie said slips are common. I missed poh's til after.
It is the quiet times when you can talk. Once an argument and defensiveness kicks in you may as well drop it and go cool down - it will just get worse if you argue.
Progress not perfection my friend. Sounds like there was a good quiet talk after? Lol. One good thing about them hiding it is that they keep it controlled - until they can't.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I do understand that he's not in recovery if he is taking drugs, so I'm sorry if I have used the word sobriety when I shouldn't, and recovery when I shouldn't. What can I say... I was pleasantly naive about all this before I had to deal with it, so I have both acceptance and a steep learning curve to deal with. And as I have mentioned before in my posts, he doesn't hurl the same aggression and hatred at me when he takes drugs that he did when he drank. I appreciate the fact that this is still not good enough. But, in comparison, it's about 1000% better.
He doesn't seem to think/know/accept the drugs are anything to do with the drinking as I suspect he hasn't discussed this with his therapist, which is why he still takes them. This country is extremely strict about drugs, so it's a pretty taboo topic unless you know the person you are talking with has done the same. He smoked pot twice last week, so it's not an everyday thing, but still something to look at. I don't smoke pot, but I appreciate that even if I did, I would most likely at least abstain for a while as our relationship is on very shaky ground now and I don't think I would do anything which might alter the clarity of my thinking.
But, irrespective of the fact many of you have mentioned that he is not sober, I do think my question about quitting drinking is still valid. It's extremely important to me, and to our relationship, that he isn't drinking (at the very least). I realise there's nothing I can do to stop it if it starts, or even before it starts, but I guess I just don't want to feel like a fool again if it has and I don't realise... or to suffer any sudden heartache. Not sure if that makes sense. When he used to drink, I often caught him having sneaky shots with friends, or beers in the backyard. He hadn't quit, but he would have insisted he had finished for the day, or wasn't going to drink that particular day... whatever. Just promises he pulled out of thin air. Perhaps you can understand the hurt and embarrassment I felt when I would catch him, only to have him crack jokes about me being a nagging b*tch and him being a naughty boy with his mates, who saw no problem with his drinking, and still don't. I became the butt of their jokes, and the silly little lady they would laugh and plead to on his behalf to not get upset. I faced this time and time again. It was a running joke for them. And I would go home with him and face the behind-closed-doors nightmare while they slept peacefully. My humiliation continues every time we see certain friends and his family who act like I'm the reason he quit, and that I'm just a ball breaker. That this is just a phase. The word abuse doesn't ring true with them.
So thanks, Pohsfriend. You're right. Sober Recovery is literally all I have. I don't even have the support of his family as most of them are alcoholics themselves and only a couple speak English, and most of our friends don't really see his drinking as a problem. I am reading Codependent No More, but I've got a lot on my shoulders to deal with alone.
He doesn't seem to think/know/accept the drugs are anything to do with the drinking as I suspect he hasn't discussed this with his therapist, which is why he still takes them. This country is extremely strict about drugs, so it's a pretty taboo topic unless you know the person you are talking with has done the same. He smoked pot twice last week, so it's not an everyday thing, but still something to look at. I don't smoke pot, but I appreciate that even if I did, I would most likely at least abstain for a while as our relationship is on very shaky ground now and I don't think I would do anything which might alter the clarity of my thinking.
But, irrespective of the fact many of you have mentioned that he is not sober, I do think my question about quitting drinking is still valid. It's extremely important to me, and to our relationship, that he isn't drinking (at the very least). I realise there's nothing I can do to stop it if it starts, or even before it starts, but I guess I just don't want to feel like a fool again if it has and I don't realise... or to suffer any sudden heartache. Not sure if that makes sense. When he used to drink, I often caught him having sneaky shots with friends, or beers in the backyard. He hadn't quit, but he would have insisted he had finished for the day, or wasn't going to drink that particular day... whatever. Just promises he pulled out of thin air. Perhaps you can understand the hurt and embarrassment I felt when I would catch him, only to have him crack jokes about me being a nagging b*tch and him being a naughty boy with his mates, who saw no problem with his drinking, and still don't. I became the butt of their jokes, and the silly little lady they would laugh and plead to on his behalf to not get upset. I faced this time and time again. It was a running joke for them. And I would go home with him and face the behind-closed-doors nightmare while they slept peacefully. My humiliation continues every time we see certain friends and his family who act like I'm the reason he quit, and that I'm just a ball breaker. That this is just a phase. The word abuse doesn't ring true with them.
So thanks, Pohsfriend. You're right. Sober Recovery is literally all I have. I don't even have the support of his family as most of them are alcoholics themselves and only a couple speak English, and most of our friends don't really see his drinking as a problem. I am reading Codependent No More, but I've got a lot on my shoulders to deal with alone.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Is there any chance you can find some English-speaking friends in the area to get a reprieve from your A's behavior? Maybe there's a group, or a consulate, or some students from Europe or the States or Australia or something? Everybody needs a break.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
For me, I learned I could tell the moment my ex ah relapsed - as soon as I saw his face - it showed in his eyes ~ when in recovery his eyes had a sparkle of hope, love and light - as soon as he lost that sparkle I knew he was in the depths of the disease - as far as when he started abusing the substances - it didn't matter - the mindset of recovery was gone.
In my daughter, as soon as her attitude changes - once she becomes the victim again I know she is in a relapse ~
When they are at their worst, we deserve to be at our best in our program ~ Take good care of YOU - you deserve it!
pink hugs
In my daughter, as soon as her attitude changes - once she becomes the victim again I know she is in a relapse ~
When they are at their worst, we deserve to be at our best in our program ~ Take good care of YOU - you deserve it!
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 458
For me, it was difficult to tell exactly when it started - EXAG drinking would only drink when I was out of town. I had to decipher over the phone, in which I was not always accurate-
For her, this last relapse manifested itself initially for a few months through dry drunk behavior- she started lying about things. Finally in October I noticed a larger change in her personality - or at least with her attitude toward me. It could have also been related to her starting up with her 3rd party. She says was using Nyquill to help sleep (red flag), picking fights with me while I was out of town, not eating right (her alcoholism and eating disorder in the form of restricting are closely related). Shortly after she moved out she started drinking again. The signs were there, but I again convinced myself she couldn't be - she went to rehab earlier in the year! Within 2 months she was out of control.
For her, this last relapse manifested itself initially for a few months through dry drunk behavior- she started lying about things. Finally in October I noticed a larger change in her personality - or at least with her attitude toward me. It could have also been related to her starting up with her 3rd party. She says was using Nyquill to help sleep (red flag), picking fights with me while I was out of town, not eating right (her alcoholism and eating disorder in the form of restricting are closely related). Shortly after she moved out she started drinking again. The signs were there, but I again convinced myself she couldn't be - she went to rehab earlier in the year! Within 2 months she was out of control.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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Originally Posted by MsPINKAcres
For me, I learned I could tell the moment my ex ah relapsed - as soon as I saw his face - it showed in his eyes ~ when in recovery his eyes had a sparkle of hope, love and light - as soon as he lost that sparkle I knew he was in the depths of the disease - as far as when he started abusing the substances - it didn't matter - the mindset of recovery was gone.
pink hugs
pink hugs
He will be 2 months sober on 2/9/13. It's not long but it's a start.
And I don't trust him either Audrey. He has sobered up for up to 8 months n promised he was done just to do it again. Summer time is his trigger n until he can get through that time sober, I cannot give him my trust.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by Audrey1
It's extremely important to me, and to our relationship, that he isn't drinking (at the very least). I realise there's nothing I can do to stop it if it starts, or even before it starts, but I guess I just don't want to feel like a fool again if it has and I don't realise... or to suffer any sudden heartache. Not sure if that makes sense. When he used to drink, I often caught him having sneaky shots with friends, or beers in the backyard. He hadn't quit, but he would have insisted he had finished for the day, or wasn't going to drink that particular day... whatever. Just promises he pulled out of thin air. Perhaps you can understand the hurt and embarrassment I felt when I would catch him, only to have him crack jokes about me being a nagging b*tch and him being a naughty boy with his mates, who saw no problem with his drinking, and still don't. I became the butt of their jokes, and the silly little lady they would laugh and plead to on his behalf to not get upset. I faced this time and time again. It was a running joke for them. And I would go home with him and face the behind-closed-doors nightmare while they slept peacefully. My humiliation continues every time we see certain friends and his family who act like I'm the reason he quit, and that I'm just a ball breaker. That this is just a phase. The word abuse doesn't ring true with them.
So thanks, Pohsfriend. You're right. Sober Recovery is literally all I have. I don't even have the support of his family as most of them are alcoholics themselves and only a couple speak English, and most of our friends don't really see his drinking as a problem. I am reading Codependent No More, but I've got a lot on my shoulders to deal with alone.
So thanks, Pohsfriend. You're right. Sober Recovery is literally all I have. I don't even have the support of his family as most of them are alcoholics themselves and only a couple speak English, and most of our friends don't really see his drinking as a problem. I am reading Codependent No More, but I've got a lot on my shoulders to deal with alone.
I'm sorry, but I don't know of any way to be absolutely certain whether someone has relapsed. He was still going to meetings and talking recovery, but he had alcohol on his breath (he claimed I was smelling APPLES he ate!). And when you ask if they've been drinking, they go into this WOUNDED routine--how dare you ask? Yeesh.
Overall, I'd trust my gut. If you think he is probably drinking, he probably is. I don't know that hurts less if you're not the last to know.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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Well my schedule is such that if I go to meetings then Poh can't go to hers because of the baby so online is a big part for me too.
When Poh relapsed or had her slips or whatever, people said she wasn't in recovery. I think that's inaccurate. We say progress, not perfection for a reason. He did not descend into the madness of addiction in a day, neither did Poh. He won't climb out of it as of a magical switch was flipped and learn to cope AND BE HAPPY overnight either.
When Poh slipped she did not want me to know, I almost caught her - hell she drank my bourbon... Bourbon can't begs taken for ...anything. But since she was hiding it she was more controlled - if shed been stumbling and incoherent I'd have known.
You didn't used to wonder if he was drunk, right? It was really clear.
I obsessed over this ideation when Poh was pregnant and while she was breast feeding. I don't now - if she relapses there may be a period of time before I notice but that's the problem - eventually an alcoholic loses control, else they would not be an alcoholic. If Poh could drink in a manner that it never became noticeable then I would not be here, we'd still have wine and I'd still drink bourbon.
Poh's recovery took time. First going theough the lotions to get out of 'Trouble' then because she wanted it, now because it is the most important thing to her because of our son and the life she would lose if she drank. The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb.
Sooooo... I must have a point here, oh yeah I do.
At work I have to keep an eye on multiple large projects that I can't keep track of every detail on. I have the folks in charge of each program keep a dashboard that lets me know the status and major issues. I have a box on there labelled 'trend'. That one tells me more than red yellow or green - where we headed on budget and timeline? On target, slipping or ahead? Do I need to take a closer look?
So you guys are in early recovery much like we were a year ago. Is his attitude and behavior better? Yes. Is he where he will be a year from now assuming he works at therapy and stays off booze and doesn't regularly smoke pot? Of course not.
I would go insane with worry if I spent too much time analyzing poh's recovery. I have to deal with today and I am behind on that. Things were better than they were and continue to improve, not without some tough days and growing pains for both of us but the big picture makes the little bumps in the road less likely to run me into the ditch :-)
When Poh relapsed or had her slips or whatever, people said she wasn't in recovery. I think that's inaccurate. We say progress, not perfection for a reason. He did not descend into the madness of addiction in a day, neither did Poh. He won't climb out of it as of a magical switch was flipped and learn to cope AND BE HAPPY overnight either.
When Poh slipped she did not want me to know, I almost caught her - hell she drank my bourbon... Bourbon can't begs taken for ...anything. But since she was hiding it she was more controlled - if shed been stumbling and incoherent I'd have known.
You didn't used to wonder if he was drunk, right? It was really clear.
I obsessed over this ideation when Poh was pregnant and while she was breast feeding. I don't now - if she relapses there may be a period of time before I notice but that's the problem - eventually an alcoholic loses control, else they would not be an alcoholic. If Poh could drink in a manner that it never became noticeable then I would not be here, we'd still have wine and I'd still drink bourbon.
Poh's recovery took time. First going theough the lotions to get out of 'Trouble' then because she wanted it, now because it is the most important thing to her because of our son and the life she would lose if she drank. The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb.
Sooooo... I must have a point here, oh yeah I do.
At work I have to keep an eye on multiple large projects that I can't keep track of every detail on. I have the folks in charge of each program keep a dashboard that lets me know the status and major issues. I have a box on there labelled 'trend'. That one tells me more than red yellow or green - where we headed on budget and timeline? On target, slipping or ahead? Do I need to take a closer look?
So you guys are in early recovery much like we were a year ago. Is his attitude and behavior better? Yes. Is he where he will be a year from now assuming he works at therapy and stays off booze and doesn't regularly smoke pot? Of course not.
I would go insane with worry if I spent too much time analyzing poh's recovery. I have to deal with today and I am behind on that. Things were better than they were and continue to improve, not without some tough days and growing pains for both of us but the big picture makes the little bumps in the road less likely to run me into the ditch :-)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Thank you all for your responses.
Florence - I do have a very nice well-meaning friend I can talk to here. But although she understands to a certain extent, she does sometimes make excuses for him based on cultural differences (they're both natives), which usually ends in me sharply replying that there's no excuse for abuse. Awkward silence. But I really think the majority of the population really believe it is only physical stuff which constitutes abuse. This was back when he was drinking so I don't deal with that anymore.
Despite this, she is pleasant company and a genuinely kind person. As I live in a village and she a way off in a town, we don't see each other often, but when we do, I feel like I would rather have a nice time instead of getting worked up about my situation.
So, we burned the drugs in the fire last night as planned. I was surprised he went through with it, even though he had agreed to do it earlier. I don't think he entirely understood what the point was, but I told him I had made a decision to move forward with a clear mind and make healthy choices for my life (I've let eating and exercise etc slip), and that tossing the drugs was a symbol of this for me at least. After the relative calm I felt in the past two months, I reacted very badly to his broken promise on the weekend, and I am embarrassed I am even capable of such behaviour. It was almost like a child throwing a tantrum, which is scary considering I never even threw tantrums when I was a child. It's not me, and I refuse to react like that again. Moreover, irrespective of what he has done, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with a crazed woman screaming.
I do realise that I will know if/when he drinks again. And although he knows nothing of my pain, he now knows what the pain of my leaving him feels like. As Pohsfriend says: "The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb". So it's up to him. Hopefully he can make the right choice. As for me, I'm back to yoga and healthy eating.
Florence - I do have a very nice well-meaning friend I can talk to here. But although she understands to a certain extent, she does sometimes make excuses for him based on cultural differences (they're both natives), which usually ends in me sharply replying that there's no excuse for abuse. Awkward silence. But I really think the majority of the population really believe it is only physical stuff which constitutes abuse. This was back when he was drinking so I don't deal with that anymore.
Despite this, she is pleasant company and a genuinely kind person. As I live in a village and she a way off in a town, we don't see each other often, but when we do, I feel like I would rather have a nice time instead of getting worked up about my situation.
So, we burned the drugs in the fire last night as planned. I was surprised he went through with it, even though he had agreed to do it earlier. I don't think he entirely understood what the point was, but I told him I had made a decision to move forward with a clear mind and make healthy choices for my life (I've let eating and exercise etc slip), and that tossing the drugs was a symbol of this for me at least. After the relative calm I felt in the past two months, I reacted very badly to his broken promise on the weekend, and I am embarrassed I am even capable of such behaviour. It was almost like a child throwing a tantrum, which is scary considering I never even threw tantrums when I was a child. It's not me, and I refuse to react like that again. Moreover, irrespective of what he has done, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with a crazed woman screaming.
I do realise that I will know if/when he drinks again. And although he knows nothing of my pain, he now knows what the pain of my leaving him feels like. As Pohsfriend says: "The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb". So it's up to him. Hopefully he can make the right choice. As for me, I'm back to yoga and healthy eating.
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Audrey1
Thank you all for your responses.
Florence - I do have a very nice well-meaning friend I can talk to here. But although she understands to a certain extent, she does sometimes make excuses for him based on cultural differences (they're both natives), which usually ends in me sharply replying that there's no excuse for abuse. Awkward silence. But I really think the majority of the population really believe it is only physical stuff which constitutes abuse. This was back when he was drinking so I don't deal with that anymore.
Despite this, she is pleasant company and a genuinely kind person. As I live in a village and she a way off in a town, we don't see each other often, but when we do, I feel like I would rather have a nice time instead of getting worked up about my situation.
So, we burned the drugs in the fire last night as planned. I was surprised he went through with it, even though he had agreed to do it earlier. I don't think he entirely understood what the point was, but I told him I had made a decision to move forward with a clear mind and make healthy choices for my life (I've let eating and exercise etc slip), and that tossing the drugs was a symbol of this for me at least. After the relative calm I felt in the past two months, I reacted very badly to his broken promise on the weekend, and I am embarrassed I am even capable of such behaviour. It was almost like a child throwing a tantrum, which is scary considering I never even threw tantrums when I was a child. It's not me, and I refuse to react like that again. Moreover, irrespective of what he has done, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with a crazed woman screaming.
I do realise that I will know if/when he drinks again. And although he knows nothing of my pain, he now knows what the pain of my leaving him feels like. As Pohsfriend says: "The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb". So it's up to him. Hopefully he can make the right choice. As for me, I'm back to yoga and healthy eating.
Florence - I do have a very nice well-meaning friend I can talk to here. But although she understands to a certain extent, she does sometimes make excuses for him based on cultural differences (they're both natives), which usually ends in me sharply replying that there's no excuse for abuse. Awkward silence. But I really think the majority of the population really believe it is only physical stuff which constitutes abuse. This was back when he was drinking so I don't deal with that anymore.
Despite this, she is pleasant company and a genuinely kind person. As I live in a village and she a way off in a town, we don't see each other often, but when we do, I feel like I would rather have a nice time instead of getting worked up about my situation.
So, we burned the drugs in the fire last night as planned. I was surprised he went through with it, even though he had agreed to do it earlier. I don't think he entirely understood what the point was, but I told him I had made a decision to move forward with a clear mind and make healthy choices for my life (I've let eating and exercise etc slip), and that tossing the drugs was a symbol of this for me at least. After the relative calm I felt in the past two months, I reacted very badly to his broken promise on the weekend, and I am embarrassed I am even capable of such behaviour. It was almost like a child throwing a tantrum, which is scary considering I never even threw tantrums when I was a child. It's not me, and I refuse to react like that again. Moreover, irrespective of what he has done, he doesn't deserve to have to deal with a crazed woman screaming.
I do realise that I will know if/when he drinks again. And although he knows nothing of my pain, he now knows what the pain of my leaving him feels like. As Pohsfriend says: "The pain of alcohol is so much bigger now than any other pain it might numb". So it's up to him. Hopefully he can make the right choice. As for me, I'm back to yoga and healthy eating.
I don't know if this helps you but I've come to realize Poh is likely to have other relapses at some point, statistics are what they are and one of my degrees is in stats so it's hard to ignore :-) ....but here's the thing: I did not react to the lapses so much as I did what they represent - the past when she was at her worst and the possibility of what COULD happen in the future.
I wore myself out with worry (a dozen or more of our regulars are reading this and saying 'Ya think?!?!?' ) over something that did not happen and might never happen. Had Poh not been pregnant I would have been less upset but still pissed off and questioning everything. I had to let go because I literally couldn't function if I let myself focus on anything but what's in front of me today.
Exhaustion turned out to be a blessing.
Hang in there, sounds like progress, not perfection but if things are relatively good and progress continues I've come to define that as success.... keep that positive trend going by working off some tension at the gym. Another thing I've found is that when I am happy and calm it tends to be refelcted in Poh.
Wonder if some day he'd consider living in your home country?
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Posts: 178
Originally Posted by PohsFriend
Wonder if some day he'd consider living in your home country?
I have faith that removing ourselves from the unhealthy drinking environment here will help things immensely. Example, I don't know about other countries, but he took a swig of a local energy drink we had just bought the other day and pulled a face. It was a Cuba Libre (rum and coke) flavoured drink. I translated the ingredients and there's no indication that there is any actual alcohol in there, just the flavouring, but after the weekend we had, it was an extremely unhelpful accident. I had a taste and there was no mistaking it. Why?!I can't find the other post where you asked about Al Anon groups for me in this country, but from what I've seen, the only place I could try would be a few hours drive to and from, and even then I'm 99.99999% certain none of them will be in English.
Back in my country, AA and Al Anon is readily available. So I can only keep my fingers crossed that the visa process goes smoothly.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by ady gil
Are there any open AA meetings nearby?
But I think I just have to wait until we get to my country. Even if there were an open AA meeting, it won't be in English. Trust me. I lived in third-world countries for four years, and although this technically isn't a third-world country, it kind of is in many respects. I'm not being a b*tch about his home country, it's just that it has serious limitations when it comes to these things.
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