How quickly is it obvious when they relapse?

Old 01-30-2013, 12:43 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by redatlanta View Post
I noticed when I found a vodka receipt in his car (with an explanation of course). Then nothing for a couple of months. Then I started smelling it on him and various other signs. It progressed and became blaringly obvious in about 4 months.

After he admitted it come to find out it had been going on much longer than I knew (the initial vodka receipt - that was in May of last year). He had been dabbling since January.

We live in close quarters, spend a hell of a lot of time together and I had no idea. He is also a poor liar but not so much when it came to this.
this is my wife's story - it had been going on much longer than she ever would have guessed.
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Old 01-30-2013, 12:53 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Blaming shifting, lying, deflecting, manipulation are all signs of an active user - be it alcohol or drugs.

Please dont be surprise if he has an excuse why he cant throw his drugs out or better yet, has a hidden stash.

Trust your instincts, they are always right!
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Old 01-30-2013, 01:57 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Regarding how do you know when he relapses?

I can tell you a little about my experience as one of two in an alcoholic marriage. We always did our best to keep up appearances. To do so, we became master manipulators, very skilled at compartmentalizing our lives. This was very easy to achieve with family and friends, because we each gave each other an excuse for those moments when we didn’t want others to see what condition we were in.

But when alone, we each knew the other’s techniques, and we knew when the other had started drinking again. It was obvious from her eyes, or how she smelled when we kissed , or the subtle change in her tone when talking to me, or the temporary euphoria in her voice after she had had a couple martinis.

We also knew how the other was when sober. The early years were filled with moderation and fun. For me, that was the ideal I always gauged her behavior by.

And we both stayed in the relationship way too long, hoping against hope to recapture how passionate and carefree things were in those early years before we starting making money and drinking heavily.

I was in no place to criticize her, because I was no better.

But it reached a point where our relationship was not sustainable on the course we were on. We talked, and both agreed to get sober. And we did. And it was great for another two years. And then we used career disappointments and tragic family deaths as an excuse to start drinking again.

What I learned from this is that for a relationship to succeed, there must be three parts to it. Man, woman, and some objective ideal – call it God or some other shared value system rooted in shared humanity and a touch of humility.

Unfortunately for us, over time, that third person became the God of Wine. And it led us into nasty fights like Burton and Taylor in ‘Whose Afraid of Virginia Woolfe.” We both had barbed tongues, and hurt each other a lot, despite the underlying reservoir of love we had for each other.

The things we said to each other when drunk preyed on us when sober. We knew we had destroyed what we had tried to build. So we decided to part ways.

I will say a prayer for you that are able to build something meaningful before it’s too late. Don’t mistake anger for passion. Passion is rooted in love. And a relationship can't last long without mutual love.
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