Blaming the Kids
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Blaming the Kids
So it's been a while. I don't know the last time I posted.
Long story short, the ABF or whatever he is got a job, so he works completely opposite hours of me, every day except sunday.
I hate sundays, because it is the busiest day of the week for me at work, all of my schoolwork is done sunday night and I am a big procrastinator, and I never know when I am getting home or getting off work or anything.
Sunday is his only day off, so of course, he drinks. Every sunday we have gotten into an argument. Tonight, he tried to argue and I said, I am not engaging in an argument with you, I have stuff to do and I need to go to bed.
THEN he said all the problems we have are because of the 6 year old. That set me off. I know how much of a problem he is, you don't have to tell me, because I am the one who has raised him on my own for his entire life. His behavior has gotten progressively worse and I finally made an appointment for him for ADHD medication and assessments.
It's two weeks from now. I said he is sick you can't blame him, and he has NOTHING to do with our relationship problems. He went on and on. My brother had ADHD and I kept saying how they acted exactly the same and my family suffered as a result until he was diagnosed, but it still wasn't his fault because it was a sickness.
How can someone with a mental disease blame someone with a mental disease?
And he is a meth addict too. I even said the way he felt when he was high on meth is how my 6 year old feels. All the time.
I said if it comes down to the two of you I am picking him, I am his mother and it is my job to protect him, and obviously you don't need to be near him. You can tell he knew he went too far, but at that point it was too late. NEVER blame a child for your problems. I know he is frustrated but it's not like he sees him more than once a week because I am the one who makes sure he gets to school and stuff and he is gone before we get home. And even being drunk and stupid is not an excuse to blame a child for your problems. Even if the 6 year old was acting out purely because of spite.
Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease! We should be blaming the ALCOHOLIC!
I am so pissed off. Really, I am just really really hurt. And even more hurt that the 6 year old started running off after him when he left. How can you say all those things about a child in front of him when he loves you so much?
Long story short, the ABF or whatever he is got a job, so he works completely opposite hours of me, every day except sunday.
I hate sundays, because it is the busiest day of the week for me at work, all of my schoolwork is done sunday night and I am a big procrastinator, and I never know when I am getting home or getting off work or anything.
Sunday is his only day off, so of course, he drinks. Every sunday we have gotten into an argument. Tonight, he tried to argue and I said, I am not engaging in an argument with you, I have stuff to do and I need to go to bed.
THEN he said all the problems we have are because of the 6 year old. That set me off. I know how much of a problem he is, you don't have to tell me, because I am the one who has raised him on my own for his entire life. His behavior has gotten progressively worse and I finally made an appointment for him for ADHD medication and assessments.
It's two weeks from now. I said he is sick you can't blame him, and he has NOTHING to do with our relationship problems. He went on and on. My brother had ADHD and I kept saying how they acted exactly the same and my family suffered as a result until he was diagnosed, but it still wasn't his fault because it was a sickness.
How can someone with a mental disease blame someone with a mental disease?
And he is a meth addict too. I even said the way he felt when he was high on meth is how my 6 year old feels. All the time.
I said if it comes down to the two of you I am picking him, I am his mother and it is my job to protect him, and obviously you don't need to be near him. You can tell he knew he went too far, but at that point it was too late. NEVER blame a child for your problems. I know he is frustrated but it's not like he sees him more than once a week because I am the one who makes sure he gets to school and stuff and he is gone before we get home. And even being drunk and stupid is not an excuse to blame a child for your problems. Even if the 6 year old was acting out purely because of spite.
Alcoholism is a FAMILY disease! We should be blaming the ALCOHOLIC!
I am so pissed off. Really, I am just really really hurt. And even more hurt that the 6 year old started running off after him when he left. How can you say all those things about a child in front of him when he loves you so much?
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
1. Your child is not sick adhd or not he is only 6 years old. 6 year olds have energy . ..they play..they get vocal....they get upset...so on.
2. Sounds like your bf needs to grow up a bit. He has no business being rude because a 6 yr old is being a 6 year old and regardless of what it is. He is the grown man doing drugs and drinking and effecting everyone around him and himself.
He needs to stop worrying about how a child is behaving like a child and worry that he an adilt is behaving like a child.
I had add I also have ocd and as a child....thats what I was but I wasnt diagnosed yrs later. As should be.
Perhapse not worry about diagnosing him and getting him on meds until he is older?
Hes only 6 . I have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. They are kids.
I am sorry he acted this way towards you and your child sadly hes the one with the issues and the one who needs to seek treatment not you or your child.
2. Sounds like your bf needs to grow up a bit. He has no business being rude because a 6 yr old is being a 6 year old and regardless of what it is. He is the grown man doing drugs and drinking and effecting everyone around him and himself.
He needs to stop worrying about how a child is behaving like a child and worry that he an adilt is behaving like a child.
I had add I also have ocd and as a child....thats what I was but I wasnt diagnosed yrs later. As should be.
Perhapse not worry about diagnosing him and getting him on meds until he is older?
Hes only 6 . I have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old. They are kids.
I am sorry he acted this way towards you and your child sadly hes the one with the issues and the one who needs to seek treatment not you or your child.
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I agree with what everyone is saying. I do not care about what you say to me, but do not ever blame my son. I am angry enough to murder him right now. He only drinks on sundays, like I said, so the rest of the week is not a problem but at this point it is not worth it. My neighbor says he only did it to **** me off and didn't mean it, because he hasn't been able to **** me off lately with the usual stuff.
I agree with her but when it comes to the kids I don't play. He is not his father but he has been there hos whole life. I hope it was worth him making me this angry this time, because we are done.
NEVER try to make me choose between you and my kids. You will lose every time.
I agree with her but when it comes to the kids I don't play. He is not his father but he has been there hos whole life. I hope it was worth him making me this angry this time, because we are done.
NEVER try to make me choose between you and my kids. You will lose every time.
Getting there!!
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5,750
Sounds to me like its time to choose and pick your son!!
Your son does NOT feel like someone on meth. That is a terrible and misguided analogy. If you are having these argument's in front of your son, you are not protecting him at all.
Your son does NOT feel like someone on meth. That is a terrible and misguided analogy. If you are having these argument's in front of your son, you are not protecting him at all.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by YearForMe 
If he is using meth....are you aware that your son can be taken away from you?
The situation is serious enough as it is. Let's stick with the facts.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Okay peeps, enough words against each other. If you are feeling like you _must_ respond then kindly do _not_. Turn off the computer, walk around the block, get some air. Come back tomorrow and respond to some other thread. Your emotions are not doing any good here.
Mike
Moderator, SR
Mike
Moderator, SR
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Im going to settle this lol
A kid can be removed for drug use if the situation poses a threat to the child safety or otherwise or
Cps w.e became aware....they may find that unpleasant however because the mother
Is not a meth user. They will not hold it against her. In the least they will
Tell her that the situation is not healthy and if not corrected ie treatmemt or by removing him from the home
Then yes they have the power to do so.
So yall are both right.
Good I settled it lol
A kid can be removed for drug use if the situation poses a threat to the child safety or otherwise or
Cps w.e became aware....they may find that unpleasant however because the mother
Is not a meth user. They will not hold it against her. In the least they will
Tell her that the situation is not healthy and if not corrected ie treatmemt or by removing him from the home
Then yes they have the power to do so.
So yall are both right.
Good I settled it lol
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
When your bf starts blaming your child for problems; it is because he knows this is a trigger for you. Perhaps when he blames you; you are able to deflect it. Every unhealthy relationship we get ourselves in to; negatively effects our children. Whether he exibits signs of it right now - or not until later; it has a negative effect. With that being said, it is completely up to you on how you handle this.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
Originally Posted by ReflectingOnMe
When your bf starts blaming your child for problems; it is because he knows this is a trigger for you.
My ex ah did this for years - because the girls didn't do their housework, or have a napkin when they ate supper, or put the toothpaste cap on the tube of toothpaste, or the cordless phone back on the charger or blah blah blah ~ whatever it happened to be ~ trivial bs that he used to cause a fight to stop the conversation about his "issues"
and for years I was way too blind to see it and it mentally hurt my girls deeply ~ I didn't think they heard the fights ~ but they did ~ kids are way too smart ~
and I was trying to keep peace in a no-win situation ~
My suggestion is to take a step back and look at what is really going on - how healthy is this for all involved - think about the long term affects on you and your son ~ he hears the spoken and unspoken words ~
just my e, s, & h ~ wishing you and your son the very best
pink hugs
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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Ok guys here is the deal.
I said he is a meth ADDICT, NOT currently using meth. He has not done it in TEN YEARS!
Definitely alcohol is a bigger problem for him, HOWEVER, once an addict always an addict.
I know exactly what it feels like to have ADHD, although I have no idea what it is like for someone to be on meth, because I myself have never done it. HOWEVER, methylphenidate is used to treat ADHD BECAUSE it has the OPPOSITE effect on people who have ADD/ADHD, THEREFORE it is used to CALM THEM DOWN INSTEAD OF MAKING THEM RAMPED UP!!!
ANYWAY. Feel free to call the state or social services or whatever, both he and his sister have done so several times, to no avail, I am not one to put my kids in danger. Ever. And it is true, simply having an addict in the house is not reason enough to take kids away, especially since his alcohol is elsewhere because I refuse to allow it in the house.
A. I am upset because he blamed the six year old. I do not think he meant it, but I do not care. Yes he was pushing my buttons because I no longer engage in arguments with him but he knew that was going to set me off because I heard this crap all the time as a kid and I ended up pretty f-ed up over it. I refuse to let my son go through the same.
B. I am not speaking to him AT ALL and have found other childcare arrangements and am currently looking for another apartment or house or something. It is my house, not his, and I even have a protective order out, but he is the type to do something very bad if I try to make him leave. I am not putting my kids in danger like that. So while he is at work I am going to start packing my stuff and leaving.
C. He knows he was wrong because he bought me a tv and all this stuff after it happened, but I don't care. This is the last straw. Do whatever you want to me, but DO NOT EVER hurt my kids. He is lucky I have not killed him by now.
D. I suggest all the bs about keeping him safe and all that crap be kept to a minimum, because all I am hearing is that I am not keeping him safe when this has never happened before, it is the first (and last) time he will ever say something like that in front of my son. It is wrong to judge when it's not like this has ever happened. Yeah, we got into it, even in front of the kids, but never because someone was actually blaming them. Not a single one of you know me or even care to so don't sit there and tell me what a horrible mother I am for not leaving him. This takes time and money which I have neither, and I am a single mother of two kids who works and goes to school full time. Things will happen as they do, and I can only take one step at a time. So keep threatening me about the kids being taken away. I hear that from him all the time, but it's hard to do when you are actually doing everything you should, it's the ALCOHOLIC screwing everything up.
I said he is a meth ADDICT, NOT currently using meth. He has not done it in TEN YEARS!
Definitely alcohol is a bigger problem for him, HOWEVER, once an addict always an addict.
I know exactly what it feels like to have ADHD, although I have no idea what it is like for someone to be on meth, because I myself have never done it. HOWEVER, methylphenidate is used to treat ADHD BECAUSE it has the OPPOSITE effect on people who have ADD/ADHD, THEREFORE it is used to CALM THEM DOWN INSTEAD OF MAKING THEM RAMPED UP!!!
ANYWAY. Feel free to call the state or social services or whatever, both he and his sister have done so several times, to no avail, I am not one to put my kids in danger. Ever. And it is true, simply having an addict in the house is not reason enough to take kids away, especially since his alcohol is elsewhere because I refuse to allow it in the house.
A. I am upset because he blamed the six year old. I do not think he meant it, but I do not care. Yes he was pushing my buttons because I no longer engage in arguments with him but he knew that was going to set me off because I heard this crap all the time as a kid and I ended up pretty f-ed up over it. I refuse to let my son go through the same.
B. I am not speaking to him AT ALL and have found other childcare arrangements and am currently looking for another apartment or house or something. It is my house, not his, and I even have a protective order out, but he is the type to do something very bad if I try to make him leave. I am not putting my kids in danger like that. So while he is at work I am going to start packing my stuff and leaving.
C. He knows he was wrong because he bought me a tv and all this stuff after it happened, but I don't care. This is the last straw. Do whatever you want to me, but DO NOT EVER hurt my kids. He is lucky I have not killed him by now.
D. I suggest all the bs about keeping him safe and all that crap be kept to a minimum, because all I am hearing is that I am not keeping him safe when this has never happened before, it is the first (and last) time he will ever say something like that in front of my son. It is wrong to judge when it's not like this has ever happened. Yeah, we got into it, even in front of the kids, but never because someone was actually blaming them. Not a single one of you know me or even care to so don't sit there and tell me what a horrible mother I am for not leaving him. This takes time and money which I have neither, and I am a single mother of two kids who works and goes to school full time. Things will happen as they do, and I can only take one step at a time. So keep threatening me about the kids being taken away. I hear that from him all the time, but it's hard to do when you are actually doing everything you should, it's the ALCOHOLIC screwing everything up.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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This is not a man I would let take any credit for parenting your child.
Your childs behaviour could be due to living in an unhealthy environment.
I would not let your child be damaged by the blame your bf is giving out.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I have lived in a meth addict world & it's not good for parenting & I have been with an alcoholic BF who hurt my kids feelings too.
Put yourself & your child first.
Your childs behaviour could be due to living in an unhealthy environment.
I would not let your child be damaged by the blame your bf is giving out.
I'm sorry if that sounds harsh but I have lived in a meth addict world & it's not good for parenting & I have been with an alcoholic BF who hurt my kids feelings too.
Put yourself & your child first.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 548
His behavior really is ADHD, it runs in my family and my brother acted exactly the same. It almost tore my family apart too, until he was diagnosed. A disease is a disease. He is NOT doing what he does because he enjoys being punished, or making us angry or whatever. He is sick. So the loser wannabe dad needs to stop blaming him, because a parent does not do that.
Also I agree with the alcoholism thing, it is a FAMILY disease, chances are great that the 6 year old has been affected by that as well, but this ADHD thing has been going on for much longer.
Also, I do believe that I am putting us first, by leaving, giving up my apartment and everything I know because I do not care what kind of problems he causes for me, but don't do that to my son, who is innocent, who can't protect himself. I am now concerned about HIS well-being, is he being fed when I am working? Is he getting beat or something when I am not around? etc. It's only saturday's that he sees him because he goes to school the rest of the week, but I don't care. If he is punishing him for something he MIGHT do, how is he doing it?
This was the last straw, despite you people who think it wasn't. Mind you, the six year old has a father he has never seen because of this crap. He was saying this kind of stuff when I was pregnant, and I never took the chance. This dude, I really thought he cared, and I do think he just said it because he wanted to **** me off. I don't think he meant a word of it, he has considered him his son his whole life. But I don't care. He does not deserve to hear any of it. I don't care if he came to me and said it, and we could have discussed his feelings and all that, and I could have explained what we went through because of my brother when he was younger. But to say that in front of him is wrong. And despite what you think, he has NEVER said anything like that before. I was, and still am, days later, shocked by what he said. Shocked.
I never thought he would go this far, and now I am doing something to fix it. Ok. So let's move on and stop blaming me.
Also I agree with the alcoholism thing, it is a FAMILY disease, chances are great that the 6 year old has been affected by that as well, but this ADHD thing has been going on for much longer.
Also, I do believe that I am putting us first, by leaving, giving up my apartment and everything I know because I do not care what kind of problems he causes for me, but don't do that to my son, who is innocent, who can't protect himself. I am now concerned about HIS well-being, is he being fed when I am working? Is he getting beat or something when I am not around? etc. It's only saturday's that he sees him because he goes to school the rest of the week, but I don't care. If he is punishing him for something he MIGHT do, how is he doing it?
This was the last straw, despite you people who think it wasn't. Mind you, the six year old has a father he has never seen because of this crap. He was saying this kind of stuff when I was pregnant, and I never took the chance. This dude, I really thought he cared, and I do think he just said it because he wanted to **** me off. I don't think he meant a word of it, he has considered him his son his whole life. But I don't care. He does not deserve to hear any of it. I don't care if he came to me and said it, and we could have discussed his feelings and all that, and I could have explained what we went through because of my brother when he was younger. But to say that in front of him is wrong. And despite what you think, he has NEVER said anything like that before. I was, and still am, days later, shocked by what he said. Shocked.
I never thought he would go this far, and now I am doing something to fix it. Ok. So let's move on and stop blaming me.
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