4kidsdad

Looking for stories from marriages of an alcoholic that recovered and their marriage survived. Mostly what I read is negative and depressing. I know it's not easy but can it be done? Has your marriage survived? What did you do? How did it happen? Please post positive stories with outcomes that don't end in disasters.
Thank you in advance for your stories and your time.

Administrator,
Can you also post any links you may have to happy endings or marriages that survived alcoholism? Thank you.

lillamy

Hi, may I suggest you do a search on posts by Cyranoak? He is a longtime poster whose marriage has survived alcoholism and he is clinically free of bullsh*t; he'll tell it like it is.

My marriage didn't survive - but I have two good friends whose wives stuck with them through rehab and recovery and relapses and are still married.

I think absolutely your marriage can survive. I think you can make the choice to prioritize that. But to do that, you need to do it informed and with open eyes and realize what the consequences can be, for you and your children. Thus, I recommend Cyranoak's posts.

And I wish you well.

PohsFriend

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...day-365-a.html

I posted the thread linked above a month ago and things are better now than they were then.

Tonight was the last Saturday of the month which means birthday night for my beloved bride's AA Group. Members who had an anniversary of their sobriety date in January were recognized and January must be a bad month because 'only' 15 or so were recognized for having 2-25 years. In November I think there were around 30, half of whom were celebrating one year.

I love those meetings, they show mevwhat we are fighting for as most of those in her group with a few years or more sober are happily married. Today is 14 months from when she and I separated for a few weeks until she was ready to commit to getting well. She has 131 days without a drink and made the decision not to drink 421/425 days since the wheels came off. I do some al anon but don't get much time... I spend time here, read and have a gift for obsessively studying every angle of...everything to find answers.

My wife did not just stop drinking, she's changed. She's focused on learning all she can about being well - working the steps, serving others through AA, not judging, resenting or allowing negativity to rule her life.

I have changed too. I understand that she could relapse any time and that if she does I may lose her - I will not live with active addiction in my home, period. I chose to forgive the past, live in the present and work on myself in the future.

I am content... My wife is a phenomenal woman and I adore her. She adores me back. We have a beautiful baby boy who is nearly three months old.

It can work. Most of us herevarevstill in or just past crises. Few folks with many years of making it work come here so it can be discouraging at first but one size fits one... I've learned to take heed of heed many dire warnings without allowing it to act on fear.

Today was a good day. The woman I love is sleeping next to me sober and healthy with our baby between us... We have minor issues but it's married people with a baby stuff, not the drama of active addiction.

My caveat? I don't believe there is hope without recovery and sobriety. I don't believe those can be achieved without the structure and methods of AA or a similar plan.

Welcome and keep your head up :-)

mry

You might also ask this question at your Alanon meetings. I know that there are a few people with surviving marriages at one of the meetings I attend. The jury is still out on my 19 year marriage surviving. My AH is sober 3 months but not much changed and therefore not recovered. He attends AA daily but doesn't seem to grasp the magnitude of this problem in his life. There can be no healthy marriage without his recovery. I am doing my best to see if there is any hope in our marriage surviving. To that end, the kids and I asked him to move out in Oct. I attend Alanon meetings and am seeing a therapist trained in alcohol abuse. I intend to ask the therapist about the possibility of marriage counseling.

Best of luck to you and your family.

coraltint

My wife hung with me through rehab & early recovery 9 yrs ago, possibly more because she felt trapped than anything else. I still had my job & she was 6 months pregnant with our 2nd when the sh*t hit the fan, so she didn't have many options. Things got better really fast, so I'm pretty sure she's glad she hung on.

Fast fwd....she just got out of rehab 6 months ago, so the tables have been turned 180 degrees. It's hard living with someone in early recovery!!

Anyway, we are still married. We have 3 sons now. We both attend AA, I attend a bit of Alanon. It isn't easy, but it's possible. Our boys definitely notice changes in us before we do.

If you have any specific questions, feel free to PM me . Good luck!!

sadstate

My husband of 5 years did start AA a month ago, but he still has a glass or 2 of wine at a dinner or party. He is still trying to prove that he can drink socially. ( he really cant) We have been through all kinds of trying. No dinking, one glass, only on weekends, etc. He does not drink every day but when he does, he gets really drunk. I really do think that if I leave for a while, he will stop, but my alanon group says he will not, that nothing will make him stop until he is ready which he is not. I feel it is really wierd that he can still go to AA and still drink. I think he is going to AA for ME not himself. I did accept step 3 of alanon recently, but I keep wanting to take charge again (like leaving). Eh ghad..... what to do. I really love him, but do not want to live with an active alcoholic.

LexieCat

Sometimes you have to define what success is.

I'm no longer with my first husband. He was drinking when we dated, tried one AA meeting, the drinking got crazier, it got more unbearable for me, and we split up for an indefinite period. While we were apart he got sober. He has not picked up a drink since January 1980. We got back together, got married, moved across the country for me to go to school (a sacrifice that, if I had known then what I know now about early sobriety, I would not have asked him to make at 1.5 years sober).

I was very absorbed in school, then in my career. We had two kids, and gradually I realized I was not happy in the marriage. He was (and is) a fine person and a shining example of good recovery. We divorced, but remain good friends to this day. He is probably the person on the planet who knows me the best. I stay with him and his wife when I go out to see my kids in Colorado (at least once a year at Christmas).

So, yeah, I'd say we have a success story, even though we did not stay married. I care very deeply for him and admire him greatly. I'd say the divorce had more to do with me and where I was at than anything he did or did not do.

Xune

I'm the drunk in recovery.

My marriage was teetering on the edge of failure and while actively using, I'd been utterly oblivious to said fact. ( I wouldn't have cared anyway.)

Long story short, I had a moment of clarity July 4th 2012, admitted I had a problem, stopped drinking and sought help.

Several emotionally painful months past as my wife and I worked through the damage. We both sought counselling separately and saw a marriage counsellor as well.

I've had to make a lot of changes to the way I lived my life and how I interacted with the world.

I am still making amends where need be and my wife is open to meeting my needs. Drinking simply cannot and will not play any role in my life again.

My marriage is on the mend, but I'll admit that it would have been very easy to throw the towel in back in August. It was a lot of work!!

If we didn't have kids, I doubt my wife would have had the motivation to try and fix things, as the marriage had been run down into the ground.

We're going to make it.

Windancer

My relationship survived (seperated for awhile) but now it is blossoming more than ever.

Florence

Forgive me for pontificating. I see this question pop up in this forum and it always feels off. I don't know what that "happy ending" is. A lot of people asking seem to wonder whether people get into recovery and stay in recovery for a lifetime without a relapse. Yes, some do, but not everyone. Not even half of addicts do. Is a lifetime of mostly sobriety with some relapses a "success"? As a spouse or as a child of an addict, your mileage may vary. I like LexieCat's approach (Cyranoak's too.) -- does success mean you stayed married, 'til death do you part, by clawing at mental health and wholeness? Does it mean putting on a smiley face and trying to find the silver lining in your partner's relapses? Does it mean living in the moment and always making life decisions knowing that it could all very easily fall apart?

Cyranoak always says something to the effect of, yes I did it, but if I had the choice to do it over, I'd never do this again. I feel the same way.

I don't know, I don't like the question. The question should be, in my mind, who am I that I chose to be with someone who uses drugs and alcohol, who disrespects me, my time, and my contributions, and why am I trying so desperately to hold onto it?

Please don't read any judgement into this. I wrestle with it too.

Florence

Also, as a spouse, I also ask myself how much you have to give up in the name of saving the marriage. I gave up an easy shot at one of the top ten grad schools in my field, possibly as a result I'm working in an unrelated pink collar job that uses almost none of my strengths, and as a result I was unable to pay off massive debts that continue to grow because my husband wouldn't or couldn't work and was chronically underemployed when he did, we unnecessarily traumatized my older child with our dysfunctional crap, and we put our elderly parents through the ringer borrowing money and using them as the sounding board for all our messy dysfunction.

We're still married, but on paper only. Still friendly, still cooperative, and I miss him terribly.

I love him, I empathize with what he has to deal with, I understand that this is a chronic, lifetime problem, and he does deserve love and support. But so do I? And if I can't expect love and support from my spouse, how reasonably can I provide that for myself without racking up a thousand new resentments over the years of marriage? Can he learn how to have a functional relationship? Maybe, but do I want myself and our kids to be the guinea pigs?

So I think this is a really complicated question to ask. What's the end point that defines success, and what does it cost for everyone involved?

FlowersJasmine

There are many cases of relationships that have survived though i do not have them off head

LexieCat

How many success stories are there in non-alcoholic marriages these days? I mean the image we all have of "happily ever after."

Alcoholism is a huge obstacle, but so are cancer, mental illness, personality clashes, infidelity, the serious illness of a child or aging parent. Sometimes even when both partners are trying very hard the marriage fails. We are human and imperfect. We are all sometimes selfish and difficult.

I know a few people (admittedly VERY few) who have managed to have happy and whole lives with a partner who continued to drink. I think the more common scenario is that active alcoholism eventually becomes something that can no longer be tolerated. The question is whether it becomes intolerable to the alcoholic before it becomes intolerable to the partner. Because in my experience the alcoholism has to be intolerable to the alcoholic before they can give up and start to recover. Meantime, though, the alcoholism continues to do damage to the family, even if it hasn't become so intolerable that they decide they must remove themselves from proximity to the alcoholic and the disease.

Even assuming the alcoholic chooses recovery, the relationship may be irreparably damaged. That doesn't mean that the sober alcoholic and the recovering family can't continue to get well along separate paths. And THAT can be a success story, because if everyone is recovering there is much less chance that bitterness and resentments will continue to poison the family.

I'd put my divorce from my recovered alcoholic up against many people's "intact" marriages. We treat each other well, respect each other, are fair with each other. Recovery is what makes that possible. It still comes down to individuals, though. Not every recovering/recovered alcoholic is going to be someone who is a good partner. And not every partner can let go of the damage caused by living with alcoholism.

Sorry, long ramble. Just some things I ponder at times.

DesertEyes

The problem I have with the "happily ever after" clause is in the "ever after" part.

My sponsor and his wife have been married 40+ years. They are both alcoholics in recovery, and a few other "-ics" as well. Their marriage has been thru many ups and downs over 4 decades, so they have _not_ been happy "ever after". What they are is happy _today_. When they pass each other at a meet they always take a moment to reach out and touch each other. At home they will stop, kiss, and say "I love you".

Other times they get angry and won't talk to each other for _hours_. Then they make up and go out to a show.

From my perspective their marriage is the best example I have seen of how to live with another human being and make it work. It's not the _marriage_ that is good, it's the people _in_ the marriage.

I did much the same with my two relationships. For many years we were doing just fine. Then life happened and we were not able to continue working as a team for a common goal. The good times were definetly worth it, and breaking up was the best thing we did for ourselves.

My goal is to be happy _today_, with whatever hardships life throws today. "Ever after" is only in fairy tales. My next relationship doesn't have to last forever, _I_ am not going to live forever. It only has to last thru the next challenge, there will be many more come tomorrow. Whether it lasts until I die is something so far out of my control it's on a different universe.

I used to live in fairy tales like "happily ever after" and "white knight" and "damsel in distress". That didn't work for me. Recovery has shown me a much better world to live in, where a woman can be a partner in a team and not princess in a castle.

Partners are more reliable, and teams are more productive.

Mike
* oh, and that old dragon in the moat is just _not_ able to be house broken. What a mess, there's a reason why they put them in the moat *

kale

Xune,
What was your moment of clarity, if I may ask?

wellnowwhat

Interesting question, and yes, what does define success?

I find I'd been looking very closely at other couples and especially at the strength of their bond, whether either have been alcoholics, or both, or none. We have a bond akin to old friends, but not an actual marriage anymore.

I've been married to my AH for 30+ years. He's respectful, kind, looks after his responsibilities, but an active alcoholic. He drinks daily, but most people wouldn't notice, and some actively disbelieve me. As he secretly drinks he becomes quieter and then slips off to bed.

When deciding "should I leave" it was never out of fear or mistreatment, just loneliness and resentments.

I realized that I would not be able to afford my situation without a roommate. And here I have a roommate who I get along with for the most part, and who happens to share adult children with me. No need to get used to a new person while I am trying to figure out the new me.

I've worked on the anger I had, my resentments, and a host of other issues. I realize that I am nowhere near even desiring another relationship. He hasn't changed, but I have so I am happier and not lonely anymore.

There's peace in me, in my home, and it comes from within.

I realize he may never choose sobriety.
I realize someday I may want a real relationship with a real partner.
I realize it won't be, and I don't want it to be, him.

But, for today, I am happy.

Is this success? I don't know. It's not really a "marriage", but for me, for now, it's enough. And all of that may change, and if it does, I know I'll be o.k. then too.

Just my experience.

LDT

I once posted in the F&F forum and it wasn't well received....so if I am in the wrong place, please accept my apologies.

I'm the AW. Out of the 24 months since I started my sober journey, I've been sober 21 of those months.... 18 of which were consecutive. I work hard at it.

My DH and I have been married 28 years. A good, solid friendship is what got us through my ordeal. I think he saved my life. Long story short..... our marriage survived and is better than ever. We may be the exception rather than the rule, but with open communication and a lot of work....it can be done.

PohsFriend

Thank you Lexue and Deserteyes for making the point that marriage isn't a fairy tale when two sober people marry. It takes two people working hard.

It can be REALLLLLLY easy to fall into the trap of blaming the alcoholic for every issue. It is easy to say poor me, I'm the victim. The problem with that thinking is that its complete horseshit and unhealthy. The first problem due to alcoholism is on the alcoholic. The rest? May as well face reality - we chose to stay and we chose to make whatever sacrifices we made and if you are in a relationship with ANYONE right now and you aren't packing your **** and loading a truck then you are choosing to be in it tomorrow. That pisses some people off - how dare I suggest that the victim is to blame andm not the alcoholic? Simple - its true and absolutely irrefutable. It remind me of people who complain that they hate where they live and wish they could live somewhere else. Uhaul has locations in all fifty states last time I checked.

Does that make it easy? No. But it is blessedly simple. I don't mean it as an attack but as a tool for the 'other' spouse. It's empowering, choosing to be a victim and using the alcoholic as an excuse for not living seems a miserable choice to me.

I survived cancer and many other hardships. I realize our odds are not rosy. The divorce rate says 2/3 of marriages will fail and it's higher when addiction is involved. My wife has an illness, I have issues myself, so what? If I'm in a room with 99 other people and we are told that only two of us will live f or another year I look around and wonder who the other winner is reflexively. Is that unrealistic? No. Those who assume they are in the 98 are already dead. When my oncologist said my odds sucked I smiled and said 'f-ck you, get the knife out and quit wasting time talking'. He laughed and said "ok so what do you have planned after we cure this?".

I'm on time I wasn't supposed to have. I work at my marriage because it's worth it and I am happy and she's wonderful. Actually her recovery is a pain in the ass sometimes - she's reading good things and worse - she's practicing what she learns so I have to keep up lol.

I think that recognizing that we are making a choice is critical for us and for the alcoholic. I couldn't be happy feeling like the victim. I'd be even more miserable with someone who felt stuck with me, like I was some awful punishment and not a blessing in their life. We work together on our marriage, we read good stuff, we work on ourselves, do couples counseling but have cut it to once or twice per month. We have bad days, we have good days, we laugh and snuggle and have both had to learn to RECEIVE love from someone as it turns out that our hidden hurts and fears are very similar.

Are we both a little broken? Yeah, so what? We're busy remodeling and repairing the foundation and ensuring that baby boy has a healthy childhood without us passing in our issues to him. I broke some bad family traditions raising my older child and she's doing great.

Think about the theme if Terminator 2 - the future is not set, it is what we make it. Ive had people here and elsewhere tell me that I am wrong, the worst will happen, maybe twenty years from now but eventually... Yeah? Ok, then I sure as hell don't plan to waste today being miserable and wallowing in fear. I would rather die of shock later if it turns out I am wrong but either way I will be happy until then and doing THAT makes my odds, her odds and our odds much better.

Florence

I'm all for optimism as long as the optimism isn't magical thinking, minimizing the consequences of addictive behavior on the family, or fear of leaving.

I'm also not of the thinking that its super easy to leave an alcoholic relationship, so stop yer complainin'. If dealing with any of this was cut and dry, we wouldn't be here trying to figure it out. I also want to emphasize that many of the relationships that we're talking about here have been abusive, which compounds the confusion and fear of leaving. There are some actual "victims" in this audience, and it isn't condescending to acknowledge that they've experienced real, devastating physical and emotional abuse.

fluffyflea

Some marriages make it,some don,t. There are no guarantees either way.