brokenrose

So was sitting here Thursday night doing report cards, have been a lot better lately since the breakup with alcoholic boyfriend in November when he literally abandoned me.....have been basically no contact, and doing what all the wise people have said to do and suddenly the phone rings...it was his old boss, we had stayed in contact for a while but not lately, she was like a mother to him and a huge enabler (let him drink at work, show up late, call in sick for many years) anyways out of nowhere she said that one of the waitresses saw my ex on Sunday with a young, pretty blond at the liquor store. Uggh it was like a knife in the heart. I truly had believed that he left me because he wanted to drink with his buddies and didn't want the "stress" of a girlfriend.....I was so stupid. Now I know why he hasn't called or texted, the man who was once so needy, had found my replacement. I cried for hours on Thursday, and in one moment of insanity, I did text him and said i know about you and your new young gf at the liquor store on Sunday, you will never hear from me again, i hate you (kind of immature but I was upset). He texted me back and said, who told you that really? I didn't respond....I guess its really over now. Why does it hurt so much even though I know she will now be on the receiving end of hang-ups, name calling, moodiness, no money etc? Why do I feel like I am the unworthy one so easily discarded. This sucks.

LexieCat

Hokey smokes, WTF did his old boss think she was accomplishing by making that call? Does she miss the drama in her life?

Whatever, she did what she did, and you did what you did.

Try to let it go. He's your ex, remember? He has his own life now, as do you. He can run around with the Dallas Cheerleaders if he wants to--it has nothing to do with you.

Living well is the best revenge (I'm saying that facetiously--I don't believe revenge as a motive is healthy for anyone). Seriously, though, make your life what you want it to be. You didn't want him as a drunk, and he's still a drunk. You aren't missing out on anything. And even if he were to get sober, so what? Your own life can be filled with all kinds of good stuff. You don't need him, drunk or sober.

You just had a little relapse, that's all. Get back in gear.

patientlywaitin

I think it's possible that the lack of closure or finality has something to do with your feelings. Take a deep breath, that man saved you for someone better... Like you! Don't allow these feelings to consume you. It isn't worth the stress, understanding how it hurts, my advice? Smile to yourself, laugh if you can... He's someone else's problem now.

dollydo

Although it doesn't appear that way right now, he did you a big favor. You deserve so much better out of life.

As for the ex boss, that person is just being mean and I would let her go too. You don't need to be exposed to her little games.

You will be ok...I just know it!

brokenrose

Thanks guys, i don't know why his old boss did that to me....I think bc he technically walked out on her (he trashed the restaurant one night and never went back) and never apologized to her for all the things she did for him over the years, she wanted me to hurt like she did or just show me that I wasn't special to him, this was his pattern. Dont' worry about anger, I will let it all go, I don't want any sort of revenge or anything, I want to walk away with my head held high....I don't know it just hurts to be replaced for a younger version again, my husband did the same thing 2 years ago, not that he and the axbf are in the same league, my husband was worth my tears because he treated me and our son well for the majority of the marriage, he just sadly fell in love with someone else. This just feels lousy bc I did think I was special to axbf but apparently I wasn't. I know Dollydo that I will be okay, its just hard being 40 and alone and raising a little boy by myself, I never envisioned my life would turn out this way. Thank you to all of you for your kindness, just a question though, why do you think he texted back to ask how I found out, just bc he felt guilty for being caught when he knew he said to me that he just couldn't handle having a gf? Or do you think in his peanut sized brain, I was still his backup plan and now he knew we were done for good because I found out? My friends were proud of me for not responding to his text, they said leave him alone to stew in the mess he made, he is 42, if this girl is young she has no idea yet of all his problems, he just wanted a drinking buddy and you were no longer accepting that behaviour, walk away with confidence, he will never have a woman like you again. I am praying for strength. I'm sorry for the venting....my heart has not caught up with my logical brain yet.

AtATotalLoss

Honey, one big thing - NO ONE is truly 'special' to an active alcoholic. They are too lost in their addiction to truly care about anyone else - so hard to come to that realization, but it is true. You'll be fine. And even though it hurts, think of all the lousy stuff you won't have to deal with anymore - fights, lies, broken promises, etc.
Shake it off, you got this! And listen to "Fighter" by Christina Aguilera - over and over again.

LexieCat

You are looking at how your life looks right this second, not how it will look next month or next year. This isn't how it will stay.

We have a saying in AA that things are the way they are supposed to be right now. Things change, for the better and for the worse. Your life may not be all you want it to be right this second, but this may be where you have to be right now for the better things to happen that will eventually come your way. As miserable as I was at the end of my marriage to my second husband, I think getting through that made me a stronger, more confident person, and better able to recover from my own alcoholism when I was ready to do that.

I suggest that you try not to over-analyze what he was thinking when he asked who told you. Maybe he remembered seeing former boss there and suspects it was she. Who knows, and, more importantly, who cares?

Recovering2

I'm really sorry the ex-boss made that phone call, whatever her reason was, it was insensitive and childish. I think I would add that person as a NC moving forward, she has her own issues obviously.
Now, think about where they were seen together...in a liquor store!!! This unfortunate woman is either 1) not aware yet that he is an A, or 2) an A herself. Nothing good will come of either situation.
I know it hurts to hear he has "moved on", but it's not about you. His real relationship is with alcohol, everyone else comes 2nd. You already figured that out, and wanted more for your life. Stay focused on how good you have felt again these past few months. You're on the right path.

BTW - at 52yrs of age, I smile when someone comments on being 40. I started over at 40, it was scary that year but looking back the 40's turned out to be pretty great overall! Chin up my friend!

brokenrose

Recovering2: it is kind of funny that they were at the liquor store on a Sunday, in a sick kind of way! You are right, poor girl has no idea yet, just sees the handsome man in front of her and thinks she won the lottery....thanks for making me feel better about my age, I hope that this new decade turns out well and I hope you rock your 50s!

DreamsofSerenity

It IS funny they were at a liquor store. That would make me feel better about the whole thing, which I realize is not exactly compassionate. However if you know he is still drinking, you must also see this girlfriend swap is not about you. Like AtATotalLoss said "No one is special to an alcoholic". We are like pawns in their narcissistic game. They use us like they do alcohol: to escape their own pain and feed their own desire. I know he said he was "in love" with you, but these are the words of someone totally incapable of love. It's like a child who says "I am King of the Mountain." In his child's mind, he half believes this. But the other half of him is aware he is only a child, and not capable of being king of anything. So the next week, he has moved onto being Batman with the same aplomb. I think it's similar with a's. Maybe your a was playing the role of rescuer during his time with you. Or maybe he liked feeling like the boyfriend of a teacher. (Perhaps an affair with a teacher was some fantasy of his when he was young.) It could be anything. He's just switched games. Now he's playing the role of 40 year old rockstar with young blond on his arm. Believe me, this fantasy is going to run its course as well. Soon, he will start projecting all his self loathing onto this poor woman. He'll begin to resent her, mistrust, and despise her for even being with him. He called you "boring". Maybe he'll call her a *****, or pathetic...or whatever. Just like the child, there is a part of him that knows the role he is playing, is just that: a role. This makes him angry, so he drinks more, and gets angrier, and on and on and on.*

About maintaining no contact: I broke down and called my xabf sobbing this week. He blamed me for all the problems in the relationship, which he claimed*in turn, made him drink. I apologized for all of it, and essentially took responsibility for his disease, because I needed him to speak to me more than I have ever needed anything in my life. What is the difference between what I did and an addict who has sex with her dealer for crack? Not very much. I really could not have debased myself any further. I'm not saying you did anything like I did, but don't you think that being unable to let go, despite the fact it is destroying us, is the definition of addiction? I am finally starting to understand this, and I feel a bit better, albeit ashamed. However, now I can try to work the steps again with a clearer idea of what my problem is.*If you are not in Al Anon and working the steps, I really think it would be a good place to start for you. Throw yourself into it completely. Give this over to your HP. Cut everyone out of your life who has anything to do with him, so you do not have anymore unsettling news of him.. And maybe plan a trip or something fun. I know it is hard, Brokenrose. I'm not especially religious, more spiritual, but when I ask God to take the pain away, it seems to work. My prayers are also for you!*

ZiggyB

Hi there,
Oh I am sorry... I know how you feel. I went through the same thing a few weeks ago when I saw pics of the new gf on axbf's website AND he still has pictures of me up there (we broke up in July!)

It sent me into a gigantic tailspin, I felt jealous, angry, and hurt all over again. I am trying to resist the urge to "go there" anymore. I was hurt enough by the breakup when it happened and I don't want him to have the ability to hurt me anymore.

ZiggyB

Erika,
I am so sorry to hear this. My ex tried to do the same thing and tried to blame and shame me into taking responsibility for the whole debacle. We broke up badly, with a huge fight. I think I felt an awful sense of shame and guilt especially after he screamed at me "you ruined everything."

I had a few exchanges with him after that, he still blames me for everything. I refuse to accept total responsibility, it takes two to make a mess. Whatever, trying to argue with him is like being in a burlap sack full of crazed weasels. Nothing made a godd*mn bit of sense.

I've been having a lot of problems letting go and I have to say the grieving process has been utter hell but I don't miss the craptacular way he treated me and I'm finally getting some of my self esteem back.

AtATotalLoss

Erika - Such a pertinent point - we read about and learn about addiction so we can "understand" them and our actions eerily mimic being an addict. Very interesting thought that I will ponder a lot in the coming weeks...

brokenrose

Erika, yes you nailed it....I feel like the addict addicted to him, wtf??? Ziggy B. thanks for making contact, I read your thread "Ouch" when you saw his pics on fb and all I kept saying in my head was oh poor Ziggy B. thank God my ex doesn't have facebook (not even a computer, or a car, or a bank account-haha just trying to make me feel better) anyways then I get the call from my so called "Friend" his ex-boss and boom, 3 months of progress down the drain, crying, circular thoughts, re-thinking my own blame etc. So damn hard moving on....the only thought keeping me afloat is they were at the liquor store on a Sunday, he is still drinking, he will not treat her any better, she is just the new victim. I have re-read my journal a few times when I wrote all details of the week that it ended, and I convince myself that I did indeed do nothing wrong, except complain about the unacceptable behaviour. So he ran, ran as fast as he could, and because he is "pretty" found someone quickly. I know we will all be okay, in time, indifference will set in which is the true opposite of love, that's when we know we have turned the corner. I wish all of us peace and happiness and thank-you to all of you that have responded, it means so much not to feel alone in this struggle. Hugs!

DreamsofSerenity

Hey Ziggy

It does take two to make a mess, and to be fair to my exabf, I did blame 90% of our problems on his drinking binges and subsequent abuse. I definitely have my issues-- being scared to commit and trust men is the big one. But how could I commit and trust him when he was an active acoholic? Anyway, you're right: the fighting doesn't make any sense. I like the bag full of weasels analogy. My xabf and I*fought constantly and never grew one iota from any of it. I would have been better off bashing my head against a tree as it would have hurt less.

There wasn't one mention of his drinking yesterday; it was all about my issues. So I just apologized over and over, and cried, because I know that's the way he likes me the best. Very sick, I know.

Like you, I am also having a very hard time letting go. I started spending time with a new man (just as friends for now). He's very healthy and kind, and consequently bores me to tears. I am now wondering if I would even love my exabf as a sober man. Obviously, his volatility and ability to take me or leave me is a big turn on. There's a part of me that wants to be treated cruelly, and craves the pain. Otherwise, I think I'd have an easier time walking away.
So even though I acted like a pathetic fool yesterday, I think something good may have come of it. I'm realizing where my responsibility lies in all of this.*

AtATotalLoss, I am thinking about the fact that all these years, I have judged and blamed him for not being able to resist alcohol, but I am no different really because I can't resist him. It's kind of given me the kick in the pants I need to start healing...for today. We will see what happens tomorrow.

*

Crazed

I feel your pain. I too am seeing that I am addicted to the addicted. When you find a solution, please PM me

fluffyflea

Sorry you found out that way. That was very mean and unnecessary. If it makes you feel better he,ll do the same to her. Be glad you are out.
Once I broke up with a guy he had a new girl living with him within 2 weeks.

Rosiepetal

I am so sorry for your hurt.
It sucks you even had to hear it in the first place.
I remember the pain of a replacement girlfriend only to well.
One thing is for sure, it will not be all roses with them.
The new gf will be receiving all the BS you had & some.
Hang in there.
Try to focus on one day at a time & doing things for yourself.
Post & vent as much as you like.
Hugs to you.:ghug3

DreamsofSerenity

Also focus on the good you are doing with your life:raising a child and teaching.. And providing support on here! He is doing nothing but spreading pain, because all he consists of is pain. You will bloom again soon, Brokenrose!

jessiec

Hang in, hon!