I should have known!

Old 01-27-2013, 11:03 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Erika1968 View Post
Hey Ziggy


Like you, I am also having a very hard time letting go. I started spending time with a new man (just as friends for now). He's very healthy and kind, and consequently bores me to tears. I am now wondering if I would even love my exabf as a sober man. Obviously, his volatility and ability to take me or leave me is a big turn on. There's a part of me that wants to be treated cruelly, and craves the pain. Otherwise, I think I'd have an easier time walking away.
So even though I acted like a pathetic fool yesterday, I think something good may have come of it. I'm realizing where my responsibility lies in all of this.*


*
Erika,
I spent some time with a man today who does not drink much at all and we had a terrific day. I am kind of liking the feeling of not walking on eggshells wondering when I am going to get screamed at.

You might need to do some work in therapy to find out why you like people who treat you badly. I have done plenty of the same thing myself but I don't want to be that person any longer.

((hugs))

ziggyb
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Old 01-28-2013, 09:32 AM
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I think you should be thankful....I know it hurts. But the hurt and misery would be much worse sharing a life with this man!
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Old 01-28-2013, 10:41 AM
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I am finally seeing the pattern here-

Broken Rose- I am so sorry for your hurt, I, like many others here experienced the horrible pain of the replacement gf. But since I have been coming to this site, I have started to recognize a pattern-gf starts to get healthier and starts taking back her power by refusing poor treatment, etc. and A makes a run for it, blames everything on her because they are unable to take respnsibility themselves, and then finds a new woman who will tolerate their behavior, and the pattern starts all over again. I think I, like many of us here, have some amount of codependant tendencies, and therefore we take on the blame and shaming that the A bestows on us simply because we cared and tried to be there for someone who could never do the same. And yes, we are part of the issue. But we are by NO MEANS the whole reason the relationship failed, and we merely need to take a look at ourselves to determine our involvement and how not to repeat it. This is something the A does not do, therefore, when things get tough, the tough get going-to another relationship, and another,and another. It doesn't matter who with- as long as they go along with the program (keep them from lonliness, allow them to drink). In this way, we are not special-to the A-because the most special thing to them is the substance-but we are all special in our own ways, and we need to recognize that and cherish it about ourselves, and never let someone else become more important to us than ourselves. I am writing this as much to myself as to you, because it is hard, even if you know it intellectually, to accept it emotionally. Al-Anon has helped me a great deal. You can do this-you will do this. Hugs.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Said View Post
Broken Rose- I am so sorry for your hurt, I, like many others here experienced the horrible pain of the replacement gf. But since I have been coming to this site, I have started to recognize a pattern-gf starts to get healthier and starts taking back her power by refusing poor treatment, etc. and A makes a run for it, blames everything on her because they are unable to take respnsibility themselves, and then finds a new woman who will tolerate their behavior, and the pattern starts all over again. I think I, like many of us here, have some amount of codependant tendencies, and therefore we take on the blame and shaming that the A bestows on us simply because we cared and tried to be there for someone who could never do the same. And yes, we are part of the issue. But we are by NO MEANS the whole reason the relationship failed, and we merely need to take a look at ourselves to determine our involvement and how not to repeat it. This is something the A does not do, therefore, when things get tough, the tough get going-to another relationship, and another,and another. It doesn't matter who with- as long as they go along with the program (keep them from lonliness, allow them to drink). In this way, we are not special-to the A-because the most special thing to them is the substance-but we are all special in our own ways, and we need to recognize that and cherish it about ourselves, and never let someone else become more important to us than ourselves. I am writing this as much to myself as to you, because it is hard, even if you know it intellectually, to accept it emotionally. Al-Anon has helped me a great deal. You can do this-you will do this. Hugs.
Thank you so much for this today, I really needed it. I've been struggling with so many feelings of guilt and shame. All I did was try to love him but towards the end things got really horrible and I couldn't tolerate it. Not my fault but he sure did blame ME for being a bad relationship partner.
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Old 01-28-2013, 11:55 AM
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Ziggy B- I am glad I could be of some assistance-you certainly have been to me since I started coming here. I think that all we do try to do is love, and help, and be there, and when we are blamed so blatently for this, when they turn that positivity into negativity, it really shakes us to our core. I know I felt profoundly ashamed, and still do, sometimes, for a mere character defect that simply got out of control, and was turned against me as representing how "sick" I was, when the real sickness was the alcoholism and the subsequent anger and resentment directed at me because I could still feel these things, and he could not. I seriously believe that part of his anger at me was because I dared to love him when he couldn't love himself, and I dared to begin to grow when he could not. I still have obsessive thoughts about him and his new wife, a year and a half later, so I am not perfect by any means. But I am trying to focus on my issues and to be as honest as I can about them, which is something the A, as long as he is drinking, will never do. I continue to sometimes have "fantasy" thinking about how great their life must be. But as someone else on this site advised me- "Adddiction is a cover-up".
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Old 01-28-2013, 02:26 PM
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Ziggy, I have been to tons of therapy already. It's sad I am still such a mess. Yoga, Al Anon, and reading have helped me more than the talk therapy ever did. Maybe I had crappy therapists (I went through three). To begin with, not one of them ever recommended "Women Who Love Too Much" to me, or diagnosed my codependency. I found that book on my own, and when I read it, was like, "OMG! These are my people.".....I am glad the therapy has helped you. Perhaps I should give it another shot with someone who specializes in codependency.
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Old 01-28-2013, 03:00 PM
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Broken Rose-Stay strong, she will soon be on the receiving end of his toxicity as you pointed out. This is a mere bump in the road...you were doing well and will continue that course.
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Old 01-28-2013, 03:01 PM
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Erika,
My therapist specializes in cognitive-behavioral therapy. You might want to check that out if you're interested. He seems to think a fear of being alone is at the root of my problems. I have a lot of anxiety issues... :-/
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