Rose56

Hi, I just had a conversation with hubby. He suggested a loan program for college payments and I told him that I was concerned that we would not have the money to repay the loan as we are living on the college money right now. He was truely trying to be helpful and do something positive for us as a family and we may still do that. Sometimes I find that I am so opinionated about something that I don't see other possibilities. Also I don't ever trust ideas that he has. It must be so demoralizing to have all of your ideas treated as stupid by your spouse.

So now I feel deeply sad and troubled because I contributed to his pain. I am very perceptive to his moods and feelings and I sense deep pain and feelings of worthlessness. It scares me how deep his pain is. Most of the time he hids it with a lot of bravo, pretending that he thinks everyone else is crazy. But then occasionally you can see the real vulnerability and pain he is in and it is so much, and so scary. I feel like I could be sick to bring on this pain.

Also he said he was trying to cut down on his drinking and that is so hard because the drinking makes it all feel a bit more bearable. Like he can forget for a short while the overwelming pain and maybe fall asleep. These statements seemed so real, so honest, and doesn't everyone deserve some relief from their pain?

So I will go home and try to remedy the situation and make him feel better. But he will only be pretending for my sake with all that pain still there. And I helped contribute to that pain. Oh the tears just well up when I think that. I never wanted to cause him pain. I do love him.

smoke gets in my eyes

Rose...

Were you viscious? Did you talk down to him? Or did you just explain your position one adult to another? If he can't understand you making a rational decision about YOUR money and that pains him, then his thinker needs adjusting. Your pity won't help him. A counselor might. And I wouldn't be so darned sure that the "pain" you are seeing isn't just frustration at not getting his way. I have been a sucker for that myself. Dino has been stringing us along on his "school" thing for over two years now. He has loans that are now due, because he hasn't been IN school. He's also drained even more money from me and his parents in the interest of his school career, which to date has netted exactly nothing. If he REALLY is motivated to go to college, a JOB is a good way to finance it. It's how I did my masters.

C'mon now Rose. Pity doesn't help anybody. Letting them act like the grown up their physique suggests might.

Hugs,
Smoke

journeygal

Rose,

Do not take ownership of his pain. Just like with his drinking, the three C's apply here too. You can feel compassion, but he's the only one that can change his life and find a way to ease his pain. You don't need to be walking on anymore eggshells.

All you did was voice concerns about his idea. That's nothing to feel bad about.

Hugs,
JG

smoke gets in my eyes

UM... Rose, I'm sorry for coming on so strong. This very issue is a sore spot in my life right now that I am totally ticked at myself over. I would spare you this feeling if I could.

More hugs.

Chy

As the alcoholic in my relationship, I got pretty good at manipulating situations. I too did the college loan money thing, and continue to make good on every penny. One thing you don't want to screw up is the government granted school loans. I take that very seriously. You have to quit holding his hand and allowing yourself to feel sorry. It only prolongs his justification, and permission to himself. I guess I can't be sympathetic today as I know deep down we all have the ability to do this when ready. Some have to work much harder at it then others, some struggle longer, look at the options, try various alternatives until they find what will work. Please don't feel sorry for him, he's not sorry enough for himself yet and you deserve to put that energy somewhere more constructive.

I just want to shake you so bad and tell you to not sit on his pity pot anymore. He's doing a real number on you, and I don't doubt you do love him, but I am afraid your just not helping him. Work on you!

Rose56

Yes, I hear you and understand. The three C's apply to his pain over this situation. Yes, I need to refocus this energy on myself. He needs to work out his own life and if I buy into his pity and "woe is me" syndrome then I get nowhere in changing my own life. And you are right Smoke, I was straightforward and not walking on eggshells but not mean.

Just for clarification, the college loan would be for my daughter who will be starting college this August, not for hubby. I inherited money that was supposed to pay for these costs and we have been spending this money a little at a time over the past few years. We still have almost enough for her college, but then how will we live after that? He needs to get back in the workforce so that we don't keep sinking. He knows that, but he doesn't know how to do it etc.

But I do understand that he is doing a number on me, and on himself, with his attitude and his pain. I also understand that this is my disease, not being able to separate myself from his pain. I have to hearden my heart a bit and not take on others pain, not that I don't sympathize. Also my task is to be a better financial steward of the means that I have, I could improve in this area.

On the upside.......I changed my exercise routine and started watching what I am eating and the scale has started to go down....3 pounds but I'll take it!!! This is a related message, when I was complaining about how I was exercising and not loosing, I got nowhere. When I finally accepted that I had to work harder and watch my food, amazing....I was rewarded with results. Thanks for being there......

jojo

Rose -

Reread your 2nd to last sentence and apply it to your husband. If he truly wants it he can enjoy those same rewards.

Hugs, Jo

Chy

And some day's that just is not easy I'm sure. Your a good soul Rose.