Does Detachment work?
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 2
Does Detachment work?
Hello,
I have finally had it with my boyfriend's binge drinking. He manages to stay away from alcohol for weeks and sometimes months but something happens and he goes on a bender which lasts all weekend. He is a functioning alcoholic in that it never gets in the way of his work.
I am separated, 47 yrs old and a year ago thought that I had met the man of my dreams. His love is everything I was looking for in a man and 90% of the time (when he is sober) he is the most wonderful person. When he drinks, he is awful. He says hurtful things. I know its the disease talking but nevertheless it still hurts.
This past weekend we had plans - and Friday after work I didn't hear from him. I went to his apartment and he was drinking. In anger and hurt that he chose to be with his bottle instead of me - I poured his alcohol down the drain and a glass of it over his head. This of course made him angry. I also took his car keys (because I didn't want him driving to get more booze) and took his cell phone because I didn't want any hurtful calls or messages .
I dropped those items off at his parents place which is near his place. They are such wonderful people and are saddened by everything. They love their son ( they saw him thru cancer 2 yrs ago) but they are tired as all of us that love him are - of his drinking.
Now my boyfriend won't answer any texts or calls from me. I know that he still loves me - but his alcohol is winning this battle.
His parents and I have decided to detach from him. Which leaves him alone and lonely. I pray everyday that he will get the help that he needs and begin communicating with us again. It has been only a week but my heart aches.
I miss him terribly :-(
Does anyone out there have a story of a detachment working to help the alcoholic in denial?
Please I know, but I don't want to hear - move on - he is a loser - I don't give up that easily on people that I love - but I am very aware that I do not want to waste anymore time with an alcoholic in denial. My new favourite word seems to be HOPE these days.
I have finally had it with my boyfriend's binge drinking. He manages to stay away from alcohol for weeks and sometimes months but something happens and he goes on a bender which lasts all weekend. He is a functioning alcoholic in that it never gets in the way of his work.
I am separated, 47 yrs old and a year ago thought that I had met the man of my dreams. His love is everything I was looking for in a man and 90% of the time (when he is sober) he is the most wonderful person. When he drinks, he is awful. He says hurtful things. I know its the disease talking but nevertheless it still hurts.
This past weekend we had plans - and Friday after work I didn't hear from him. I went to his apartment and he was drinking. In anger and hurt that he chose to be with his bottle instead of me - I poured his alcohol down the drain and a glass of it over his head. This of course made him angry. I also took his car keys (because I didn't want him driving to get more booze) and took his cell phone because I didn't want any hurtful calls or messages .
I dropped those items off at his parents place which is near his place. They are such wonderful people and are saddened by everything. They love their son ( they saw him thru cancer 2 yrs ago) but they are tired as all of us that love him are - of his drinking.
Now my boyfriend won't answer any texts or calls from me. I know that he still loves me - but his alcohol is winning this battle.
His parents and I have decided to detach from him. Which leaves him alone and lonely. I pray everyday that he will get the help that he needs and begin communicating with us again. It has been only a week but my heart aches.
I miss him terribly :-(
Does anyone out there have a story of a detachment working to help the alcoholic in denial?
Please I know, but I don't want to hear - move on - he is a loser - I don't give up that easily on people that I love - but I am very aware that I do not want to waste anymore time with an alcoholic in denial. My new favourite word seems to be HOPE these days.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 85
The tricky thing about detachment is that it is not for them. It is for you. You will need to go through whatever you need to at your own pace. But one day you will realize that the man you love 90% of the time is 100% the alcoholic that you don't like. It is awful and sad and leaves you feeling so powerless and hopeless, but the truth of the matter is that it is up to him whether or not he chooses to get sober. Maybe you leaving him will make him seek help, but then again maybe it won't. That is not on you - it is on him.
Good luck and keep reading here. It helps a lot!!
Good luck and keep reading here. It helps a lot!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
You are caught up in the crazy behavior of a codependent my friend. We all learn eventually: You didn't Cause it, can't Control it, and can't Cure it.
Pouring liquor down the drain, taking car keys and phones, going to other family members...that's all part of the chaos we participate in initially. It will do nothing to change the A, but it makes us ill over time. You take his phone so he won't send messages, then you're upset that he doesn't return your calls/messages. That's what happens to us when we're caught up in their addiction. It's called Addicted to the Addicted.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there is nothing you can do to change him. You can only take care of yourself. Detachment is not a tool to get the A to wake up to their disease. Detachment is a process to help you regain yourself, to remove yourself from his behavior and focus on your own behavior. It helps you find your way out of the chaos. I did detach from my ABF, did it wake him up? No, not at the time. He actually got angrier towards me when he realized I wasn't engaged in his behaviors anymore. But it helped me start to figure out what I needed for my life. He finally did wake up, after a car accident and legal troubles. He is in recovery now, one day at a time. But I no longer feel the need to control any of it.
I hope you find an AlAnon group and keep posting here. There is much hope and help on this site.
Pouring liquor down the drain, taking car keys and phones, going to other family members...that's all part of the chaos we participate in initially. It will do nothing to change the A, but it makes us ill over time. You take his phone so he won't send messages, then you're upset that he doesn't return your calls/messages. That's what happens to us when we're caught up in their addiction. It's called Addicted to the Addicted.
I don't mean to be harsh, but there is nothing you can do to change him. You can only take care of yourself. Detachment is not a tool to get the A to wake up to their disease. Detachment is a process to help you regain yourself, to remove yourself from his behavior and focus on your own behavior. It helps you find your way out of the chaos. I did detach from my ABF, did it wake him up? No, not at the time. He actually got angrier towards me when he realized I wasn't engaged in his behaviors anymore. But it helped me start to figure out what I needed for my life. He finally did wake up, after a car accident and legal troubles. He is in recovery now, one day at a time. But I no longer feel the need to control any of it.
I hope you find an AlAnon group and keep posting here. There is much hope and help on this site.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Agree with the above statement-
You need to detach to preserve your own sanity. Maybe he does love you but that isn't enough to get him to stop drinking and you're in pain because you're stuck in the rabbit hole of codependency. You need to stop being involved with someone who hurts you.
You can't make him do anything. He will only quit if he wants to. I did detach from my A. but he found someone else and kept drinking. I was half hoping he would see the error of his ways and come back to me and get his a*S in therapy.
If you are anything like me you're loyal to a fault and will do almost anything to hold a relationship together, even putting up with endless amounts of pain.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time".
~Maya Angelou
You need to detach to preserve your own sanity. Maybe he does love you but that isn't enough to get him to stop drinking and you're in pain because you're stuck in the rabbit hole of codependency. You need to stop being involved with someone who hurts you.
You can't make him do anything. He will only quit if he wants to. I did detach from my A. but he found someone else and kept drinking. I was half hoping he would see the error of his ways and come back to me and get his a*S in therapy.
If you are anything like me you're loyal to a fault and will do almost anything to hold a relationship together, even putting up with endless amounts of pain.
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time".
~Maya Angelou
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by jewelz1965 
Does anyone out there have a story of a detachment working to help the alcoholic in denial?
I can share with you how detachment helped ME to separate myself from AH's actions & consequences.
It's what helped me to stay focused on me & DD & put our needs ahead of his wants.
It's how I was able to sleep at night when he pulled disappearing acts & I would lay awake all night pondering where he was, what he was doing, what the ramifications of the night would be, when I would hear from him again.
It helped me to stop feeding into his alcoholic frenzy & 'drop the rope' in the dance of dysfunction that we had gotten into the habit of.
It helped me to understand that I am not now & never was responsible for his actions.
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
If you have a chance to read - I found "Chapter 11- Detachment, Love and Forgiveness" in the book - "How Al-Anon works for Families and Friends of Alcoholics" very beneficial -
in a way that I didn't think it would ~ It's not about them, it's about us and the healing we need and deserve ~
just my e, s, & h
pink hugs
in a way that I didn't think it would ~ It's not about them, it's about us and the healing we need and deserve ~
just my e, s, & h
pink hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dublin, Ireland
Posts: 29
Jewelz I'm going through a similar situation at the minute. I had to kick by xabf out 2 weeks ago. I have avoided contact with him for 5 days now and it is so hard!!
The last conversation we had started with him being sad and then angry as he can't understand why I get upset when he drinks even though if affected everything in our relationship. My xabf is a wonderful guy, we were together 4 years and trying to have a baby. We had some great plans for our future.
I feel for you, I really do as I know how much you miss him, love him and worry about him. But nothing you do will stop his drinking. I really thought my xabf would see the light when I asked him to leave but instead he now has an added excuse to drown his sorrows!! There is always an excuse for them to drink!
The last conversation we had started with him being sad and then angry as he can't understand why I get upset when he drinks even though if affected everything in our relationship. My xabf is a wonderful guy, we were together 4 years and trying to have a baby. We had some great plans for our future.
I feel for you, I really do as I know how much you miss him, love him and worry about him. But nothing you do will stop his drinking. I really thought my xabf would see the light when I asked him to leave but instead he now has an added excuse to drown his sorrows!! There is always an excuse for them to drink!
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Do not know for sure if detachment works for the addict ( I know though that it can be used to not enable their behavior and put them out sort of speaking ) but I do know it helps the loved ones of addicts.
I know you were angry and taking his keys away seems logical to a non addict but
For an addict....you cant keep them locked away or control the situation this way.
Itll only fatique you even more but I am glad that his parents are on your side as they could have scorned you or otherwise in that situation.
It is good that you and them are on the sams page if either of you or your boyfriend are going tobget through this in any way.
I dont know if itll get better for any of yall involved but making changes isa perfect step.
I know you were angry and taking his keys away seems logical to a non addict but
For an addict....you cant keep them locked away or control the situation this way.
Itll only fatique you even more but I am glad that his parents are on your side as they could have scorned you or otherwise in that situation.
It is good that you and them are on the sams page if either of you or your boyfriend are going tobget through this in any way.
I dont know if itll get better for any of yall involved but making changes isa perfect step.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
"Please I know, but I don't want to hear - move on - he is a loser - I don't give up that easily on people that I love - but I am very aware that I do not want to waste anymore time with an alcoholic in denial. My new favourite word seems to be HOPE these days.(jewelz1965)
And as the wonderful M1k says: Hope clouds observation.
Gently, I can only reply to your above statement with, if today is as good as it ever will be, is that an acceptable life for you?
It's not about giving up on someone you love. You can love him to the moon and back, and it will not change the fact that you are in a relationship with an addict/binge drinker.
Addicts are not relationship material as they cannot give freely of themselves, as they are committed to their DOC. Oh they possess a magical, charismatic charm. (in the beginning) No one ever hear said, " I fell in love with an out of control drunk, who is cruel and abusive when he drinks"..........
Best I can offer, continue to educate yourself about addiction, best to understand what you are dealing with before making any decision. perhaps try Al-Anon.
Did detachment work for me? You bet. I have been living my best life, since I chose to detach from an out of control addict. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but it's my personal truth that I am sharing.
And as the wonderful M1k says: Hope clouds observation.
Gently, I can only reply to your above statement with, if today is as good as it ever will be, is that an acceptable life for you?
It's not about giving up on someone you love. You can love him to the moon and back, and it will not change the fact that you are in a relationship with an addict/binge drinker.
Addicts are not relationship material as they cannot give freely of themselves, as they are committed to their DOC. Oh they possess a magical, charismatic charm. (in the beginning) No one ever hear said, " I fell in love with an out of control drunk, who is cruel and abusive when he drinks"..........
Best I can offer, continue to educate yourself about addiction, best to understand what you are dealing with before making any decision. perhaps try Al-Anon.
Did detachment work for me? You bet. I have been living my best life, since I chose to detach from an out of control addict. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear, but it's my personal truth that I am sharing.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think detachment indirectly helps the alcoholic because we stop enabling and we stop giving him reasons to resent us. Not that he won't resent us for non-reasons, but at least we are not in there arranging his life for him.
Alcoholics have to choose sobriety because it's the best choice for THEM, not drag themselves to meetings or sit around, miserably dry, because we have nagged or pleaded or guilted them into it. That kind of "sobriety" is the kind that makes us with they would go back to drinking!
But that is really just a side benefit. As everyone here has said, the primary purpose and benefit of detaching is for our own peace of mind and sanity.
Alcoholics have to choose sobriety because it's the best choice for THEM, not drag themselves to meetings or sit around, miserably dry, because we have nagged or pleaded or guilted them into it. That kind of "sobriety" is the kind that makes us with they would go back to drinking!
But that is really just a side benefit. As everyone here has said, the primary purpose and benefit of detaching is for our own peace of mind and sanity.
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