Am I just resisting the inevitable?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Am I just resisting the inevitable?
First post…
I have only been with AH wife for almost three years and married for one, but I’m beginning to feel it was a major mistake on my part. Mainly because I did not know enough about alcoholism until after we were married and now after educating myself a little I realize I was just a habitual enabler. Believing the lies and expecting everything to get better. I’m also very upset with myself because four years prior to that I had ended a twelve year marriage because of infidelity. She wasn’t an AH, just unfaithful. So here I am trying to decide what I should do. I have three children from my previous marriage, one of which I have custody of, living many miles away from family and friends, and trying to deal with an AH wife who has not reached her bottom yet. She simply continues to lie and secretly drink and I am running out of boundaries that don’t involve separating.
I thought she had hit bottom a few months ago when after totaling her car she agreed to one week of rehab; I was wrong. Since then she has tried using cough syrup and drinking smaller amounts of alcohol hoping I wouldn’t notice. My nose has become very familiar with the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath and I can usually tell. I even bought a cheap breathalyzer to confirm my suspicions when she denies it. Yesterday she claimed it was because she used Listerine an hour earlier. I disproved that by testing myself and doing a quick Google. FYI – if you tell a police officer you recently used Listerine or a similar product they must wait 15-20 minutes to allow for any residue within your mouth to dissipate. In our case it had been an hour and should have been completely gone.
Am I continuing enable? How long should I continue down the “one more try” path? I need to stop the silent treatment after a “mistake” as well because I don’t think it’s helpful to us, but it does help me calm down.
I have only been with AH wife for almost three years and married for one, but I’m beginning to feel it was a major mistake on my part. Mainly because I did not know enough about alcoholism until after we were married and now after educating myself a little I realize I was just a habitual enabler. Believing the lies and expecting everything to get better. I’m also very upset with myself because four years prior to that I had ended a twelve year marriage because of infidelity. She wasn’t an AH, just unfaithful. So here I am trying to decide what I should do. I have three children from my previous marriage, one of which I have custody of, living many miles away from family and friends, and trying to deal with an AH wife who has not reached her bottom yet. She simply continues to lie and secretly drink and I am running out of boundaries that don’t involve separating.
I thought she had hit bottom a few months ago when after totaling her car she agreed to one week of rehab; I was wrong. Since then she has tried using cough syrup and drinking smaller amounts of alcohol hoping I wouldn’t notice. My nose has become very familiar with the smell of alcohol on someone’s breath and I can usually tell. I even bought a cheap breathalyzer to confirm my suspicions when she denies it. Yesterday she claimed it was because she used Listerine an hour earlier. I disproved that by testing myself and doing a quick Google. FYI – if you tell a police officer you recently used Listerine or a similar product they must wait 15-20 minutes to allow for any residue within your mouth to dissipate. In our case it had been an hour and should have been completely gone.
Am I continuing enable? How long should I continue down the “one more try” path? I need to stop the silent treatment after a “mistake” as well because I don’t think it’s helpful to us, but it does help me calm down.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: New York
Posts: 877
There are a lot of people on here with more experience than I have, but one thing I can tell you with absolute certainty is that trying to control her drinking is completely futile.*You will never win the war against the bottle because it is her war not yours. By trying to fight it, you will only end up at war with the good part of her and yourself. To answer your question precisely, yes, by being involved in her drinking in any way, you are enabling. (I know this is very hard to accept).*
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome James! Unfortunately I don't think any of us can tell you what to do, but it sounds like you're on the right path by educating yourself about this disease. I hope you get some time to read through some of the stickys at the top of the page, they contain a lot of great info & links.
I'm contantly surprised by how far addicts are willing to go before finding their rock bottom. Is your wife working toward sobriety or using a support group at all?
I'm contantly surprised by how far addicts are willing to go before finding their rock bottom. Is your wife working toward sobriety or using a support group at all?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 6
Thanks FireSprite. Yes, she spent a week in rehab back in Novemeber and continues in the program now. Unfortunately she only made 45 days before her first slip-up; there have been multiple more since. She just recently changed to a different sponsor because the other wasn't able to give the necessary time. These things are all great and she seems to be trying, but is it just a "show" because she just continues to drink.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Lakeland,Fl
Posts: 36
Hello James,,,I have spent 15 years trying to control my AW's drinking.The only thing it will do is drive you crazy.If they decide to drink there is really nothing you can do so "try"to stop controlling what you can't.Keep reading here in this forum, I have picked up alot of w
ays to cope.Good Luck,don't let it consume you like it has me.,
ays to cope.Good Luck,don't let it consume you like it has me.,
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
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Put the breathalyzer away.
You might have noticed already that it doesn't prohibit her from drinking rather it just stimulates an explanation as for why she is showing positive. Next time it will be that she ate a chocolate with rum in it. There is no "managing" an alcoholics drinking - you cannot stop it - stop the madness of trying to.
Instead of focusing on her - focus on yourself and your child. Al Anon would help you more than you know. Will save your sanity and help you to make decisions such as how long you should continue, and if the relationship is worth salvaging.
Sorry for what you are going through. Post often - lots of encouragement here at SR.
You might have noticed already that it doesn't prohibit her from drinking rather it just stimulates an explanation as for why she is showing positive. Next time it will be that she ate a chocolate with rum in it. There is no "managing" an alcoholics drinking - you cannot stop it - stop the madness of trying to.
Instead of focusing on her - focus on yourself and your child. Al Anon would help you more than you know. Will save your sanity and help you to make decisions such as how long you should continue, and if the relationship is worth salvaging.
Sorry for what you are going through. Post often - lots of encouragement here at SR.
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