Does Your Alcoholic Involve You in Endless Tedious Arguments?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 49
Ahhhhh, i get it. A little dense. That was me saying that to him, not you saying that to me :-)
He hates hates hates "I'm sorry you feel that way." I'm going to have to delve into the hmmms and the ohhhhs..?
He hates hates hates "I'm sorry you feel that way." I'm going to have to delve into the hmmms and the ohhhhs..?
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Aurora, CO
Posts: 85
Kale - you illustrated the absurdity perfectly 
And we have all done it! That's the most amazing part. We have all had those protracted insane merry-go-round conversations... And when you really start to critically analyze it, you see just how fruitless these kinds of "discussions" are. I know for me, I start thinking about them and think to myself, "What kind of crazy am I that I am even having this argument?"
You're doing good - you're starting to think about all of it like the logical person you are, not through the filter of their sickness. Not gonna change overnight (for any of us), but you're on the right path.
And we have all done it! That's the most amazing part. We have all had those protracted insane merry-go-round conversations... And when you really start to critically analyze it, you see just how fruitless these kinds of "discussions" are. I know for me, I start thinking about them and think to myself, "What kind of crazy am I that I am even having this argument?"You're doing good - you're starting to think about all of it like the logical person you are, not through the filter of their sickness. Not gonna change overnight (for any of us), but you're on the right path.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Hi Kale-
I did this for soooooo long too. I only read the first page of this post, and I see lots of folks have lots to say about this topic, but your last post that I read said, "do it anyway?" regarding detaching with the knowledge that he'll become more agitated when you do.
For me, after the pain of going round and round insanely became too much, I took tiny little trips to the land of detachment. You know, to see if I liked it there.
And guess what happens when you actually detach? You feel better. At least I do. Because I become focused on my life; on all the things I ignored shile he distracts me with his craziness. Not only is engaging in nonstop manipulation exhausted, frustrating and infuriating, it also (for me at least) means huge chunks of my life go unattended while I engage, try to figure out wtf is going on and keep chewing on it. Obsession is more like it.
The other thing I would have you ask yourself, instead of your role in the situation, is what can really happen to you if he has more tantrums. I mean, how much worse can it get? Loosing that fear happened for me after little trips to detachment land because I learned it's so much happier there. I had reference for it.
Until I starting detaching and taking care of myself and my kids, I was terrified and controlled. I handed that over to my A.
Take that leap of fear Kale. Jump Girl, you can fly.
I did this for soooooo long too. I only read the first page of this post, and I see lots of folks have lots to say about this topic, but your last post that I read said, "do it anyway?" regarding detaching with the knowledge that he'll become more agitated when you do.
For me, after the pain of going round and round insanely became too much, I took tiny little trips to the land of detachment. You know, to see if I liked it there.
And guess what happens when you actually detach? You feel better. At least I do. Because I become focused on my life; on all the things I ignored shile he distracts me with his craziness. Not only is engaging in nonstop manipulation exhausted, frustrating and infuriating, it also (for me at least) means huge chunks of my life go unattended while I engage, try to figure out wtf is going on and keep chewing on it. Obsession is more like it.
The other thing I would have you ask yourself, instead of your role in the situation, is what can really happen to you if he has more tantrums. I mean, how much worse can it get? Loosing that fear happened for me after little trips to detachment land because I learned it's so much happier there. I had reference for it.
Until I starting detaching and taking care of myself and my kids, I was terrified and controlled. I handed that over to my A.
Take that leap of fear Kale. Jump Girl, you can fly.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Oh ok.....I heard in Alanon these two answers to respond to an alcoholic who is trying to engage you in some arguement/drama- you say- "I am sorry you feel that way." or "Oh?" They are two responses. The drama does not continue. You are acknowledging you heard them- not necessarily agreeing with them.....or that you did hear them. It does not make the drama bigger. 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
Your original post described my entire marriage to exah except that he usually engaged like that when he was intoxicated. He would make a bizarre suggestion like "we should go see a catholic priest for marriage counseling". Sounds normal right?
Neither of us is catholic nor did we attend church on a regular basis. When I would object I was "uncaring" and "did not care about him or our marriage".
Of course any counseling where his drinking or spending would be discussed was out of the question because our marital problems were the cause of those things. :horse :horse :horse
Neither of us is catholic nor did we attend church on a regular basis. When I would object I was "uncaring" and "did not care about him or our marriage".
Of course any counseling where his drinking or spending would be discussed was out of the question because our marital problems were the cause of those things. :horse :horse :horse
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
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late husband started, in the end, to bait me into arguments.
He'd start off with a statement, I'd agree with him, and somehow it was turned around and he'd be saying the opposite of his original opinion. I learned to say nothing, or "Mmmhmm" or something else non-committal.
During the last two years of out marriage, I didn't speak unless spoken to. Even then I stayed with "Mmmhmm."
He'd start off with a statement, I'd agree with him, and somehow it was turned around and he'd be saying the opposite of his original opinion. I learned to say nothing, or "Mmmhmm" or something else non-committal.
During the last two years of out marriage, I didn't speak unless spoken to. Even then I stayed with "Mmmhmm."
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Originally Posted by velma929 
late husband started, in the end, to bait me into arguments.
He'd start off with a statement, I'd agree with him, and somehow it was turned around and he'd be saying the opposite of his original opinion. I learned to say nothing, or "Mmmhmm" or something else non-committal.
During the last two years of out marriage, I didn't speak unless spoken to. Even then I stayed with "Mmmhmm."
He'd start off with a statement, I'd agree with him, and somehow it was turned around and he'd be saying the opposite of his original opinion. I learned to say nothing, or "Mmmhmm" or something else non-committal.
During the last two years of out marriage, I didn't speak unless spoken to. Even then I stayed with "Mmmhmm."
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Ive learned that whilst still drinking and in early recovery.
Conversations are just treading on eggshells.
I have had conversations where ah talked....given I want the conversation to end or if I say something
That he didnt want as a response it bent in on how I dont care about his feelings
Or that im not really listening.
I know it is hard not to engage in a conversation when you live with a person
But hopefully yoy just know its nonsense and pointless.
It doesnt matter if he wasnt drinking that day.....he still drinks other days. What is a sober day
When its surrounded by drunk ones?
Nothing. His mind and body is not all there so what appears sober is really not
Conversations are just treading on eggshells.
I have had conversations where ah talked....given I want the conversation to end or if I say something
That he didnt want as a response it bent in on how I dont care about his feelings
Or that im not really listening.
I know it is hard not to engage in a conversation when you live with a person
But hopefully yoy just know its nonsense and pointless.
It doesnt matter if he wasnt drinking that day.....he still drinks other days. What is a sober day
When its surrounded by drunk ones?
Nothing. His mind and body is not all there so what appears sober is really not
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
Just wanted to let you know briefly that I also struggled with the question of whether to tell his parents or not. AH left this country so crazy that I was not just traumatized for me - I was scared something terrible would happen with him. He really seemed to be entering psychosis.
So this is what happened when I called people asking that they keep an eye out for him:
1. our family doctor pointed out that AH passed his alcohol test this summer and suggested that I was the one with mental problems;
2. The couples therapist said that there was nothing that she could do as he had to seek out help himself;
3. AH's mother, brother and sister-in-law initially believed me. They met with AH. AH convinced them that I am nuts. Now they are telling him to protect himself from me and get a lawyer. They are indignant. Mind you, they are all alcoholics or daily drinkers.
Am I glad or sorry that I intervened? Well, it is sad they haven't been too nice but - this is my children's father we're talking about. If he is going off the deep end, at least I tries to get him help and I can tell the children that I tried.
Several months later, I know it is simpler not to talk about this with mutual friends or his family. If I want support, I go elsewhere. But yes, I am glad to have passed on the burden somewhat.
I hope this helps a bit! (((HUGS )))
So this is what happened when I called people asking that they keep an eye out for him:
1. our family doctor pointed out that AH passed his alcohol test this summer and suggested that I was the one with mental problems;
2. The couples therapist said that there was nothing that she could do as he had to seek out help himself;
3. AH's mother, brother and sister-in-law initially believed me. They met with AH. AH convinced them that I am nuts. Now they are telling him to protect himself from me and get a lawyer. They are indignant. Mind you, they are all alcoholics or daily drinkers.
Am I glad or sorry that I intervened? Well, it is sad they haven't been too nice but - this is my children's father we're talking about. If he is going off the deep end, at least I tries to get him help and I can tell the children that I tried.
Several months later, I know it is simpler not to talk about this with mutual friends or his family. If I want support, I go elsewhere. But yes, I am glad to have passed on the burden somewhat.
I hope this helps a bit! (((HUGS )))
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