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Alcoholic mother in law found dead

Old 01-23-2013, 06:40 AM
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Alcoholic mother in law found dead

Both my inlaws were alcoholics. My mother in law(mil) used to hit the kids and scream and throw plates at my father in law(dil) and the kids would hide in their beds upstairs. According to my AH, his brother, and his sister they lived in fear. Yet, for some reason, AH spoke to his mother on a regular basis. She was the only family member whom he spoke to regularly. His sister hates him and he and his brother have a contentious relationship but they can get along for a short period of time. I'm not sure how this will play out especially since AH accuses his sister and her husband of being money grubbing idiots. And, it doesn't help that the last time I spoke to mil, she confided in me that my sister in law bounced a check(over 1,000) to her because they borrowed cash from mil for a cruise.

I never knew her this way. I just knew her as a sad retired emergency room nurse who liked to laugh at all my AH's caustic remarks and jokes. I don't know if she had cut back her drinking, but she has been living alone since my fil died back in April of last year.

Anyway, I spoke to her about 10 days ago for an hour. We talked about how my AH is just like his father and how she feels that he'll never change so I might as well move on. I never told AH that she said these things. Apparently, her mail was piling up and the police showed up at my brother in law's door yesterday and they went to the house. He found her dead in the upstairs bedroom on the floor. The family lives in Baltimore so we have to travel back for the funeral, etc. I have to find someone to watch the dog because he doesn't have all his shots yet and can't be boarded at a kennel.

Funny thing was, I was going to file for a legal separation in the next week or so, and now I feel I need to put that off. I think this loss will hit his whole family hard. Even though she was a horrible mother, she was the remaining parent and it's always hard to lose your mother. Coupled with the fact that his brother hasn't finished settling their dad's estate yet and now the house(which is falling apart around itself and should be deemed a health hazard), her car, and other assets need to be figured out as well.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:44 AM
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Sorry for your loss.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:47 AM
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I am so sorry. I will be thinking of you and yours and sending you strength.
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:47 AM
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Liz, I have no e, s & h on this so I'll just send ((((hugs)))).

Your friend,
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:48 AM
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Oh Liz!
I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Stay strong and know that there are so many that are thinking of you and sending our support. I just let out a verbal "oh no" as I read your post during a fleeting moment of free time this morning. It just seems like too much. Hang in there and take good care of yourself.
Sending extra hugs and suppport,
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:51 AM
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Sorry Lizatola.
I think it is nice that you spoke with her just recently.
Sad lonely way to go.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:24 AM
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I am sorry for your loss. Very sad.
gentle hugs
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:26 AM
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Liz, I'm so sorry. How terrible. It's good that you talked to her recently.

Do what you think is necessary.

I was warned that alcoholics ramp up drinking during periods of grief -- and that folks in recovery are more likely to relapse -- so just keep an eye out with the family and practice some awesome self-care.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:38 AM
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So very sorry.
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Old 01-23-2013, 07:38 AM
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Starting to feel like the only patch of grass at the dog park yet? You haven't had an easy months friend :-(

Funerals are traumatic and when you throw in the level of dysfunction in his family it is a recipe for lots of drama. I can totally see you not wanting to file for separation while that's going on.

Hopefully you can stay a bit detached from the sibling arguments that may arise and remember that our tendency to want to fix things that are not our problem really is NOT our problem. I'm assuming the kids will be going? Might want to think about having a plan to keep them away from the fray like suggesting you guys stay at a hotel instead of at mil's where you can't escape?

Deep breaths, find something good to read and let him deal with his siblings. There are some beautiful areas around DC to take kiddo to if its depressing and the sibs are at each others throat running around to claim possessions and such.

Sorry my friend, I'd puppysit if you lived around here - nothing like a puppy to make you forget the stress.

Hang in there - take care of you and DS. Hopefully AH will turn to you and not ON you through this but keep in mind that he's not allowed to take it out on you.
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Old 01-23-2013, 08:08 AM
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I am very sorry for you loss, and prayers to you and your family.
Peace,
~T
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Old 01-23-2013, 09:42 AM
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Sending hugs to you.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by PohsFriend View Post
Starting to feel like the only patch of grass at the dog park yet? You haven't had an easy months friend :-(

Funerals are traumatic and when you throw in the level of dysfunction in his family it is a recipe for lots of drama. I can totally see you not wanting to file for separation while that's going on.

Hopefully you can stay a bit detached from the sibling arguments that may arise and remember that our tendency to want to fix things that are not our problem really is NOT our problem. I'm assuming the kids will be going? Might want to think about having a plan to keep them away from the fray like suggesting you guys stay at a hotel instead of at mil's where you can't escape?

Deep breaths, find something good to read and let him deal with his siblings. There are some beautiful areas around DC to take kiddo to if its depressing and the sibs are at each others throat running around to claim possessions and such.

Sorry my friend, I'd puppysit if you lived around here - nothing like a puppy to make you forget the stress.

Hang in there - take care of you and DS. Hopefully AH will turn to you and not ON you through this but keep in mind that he's not allowed to take it out on you.
LOL, pretty much!

Ah has been fine around us but he seems almost emotionless right now and he was like this when his dad died, too. Anyway, I still don't know the details because they're having trouble making decisions regarding the funeral, etc and they aren't communicating with AH. This will be an interesting trip because AH will stay afterwards and clean out the house a bit. He already thinks his brother is suspicious of him stealing stuff from the house and he has already accused his sister of being glad this has happened so she can get her measly inheritance. UGH! Should be a blast.
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Old 01-23-2013, 12:55 PM
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Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
Both my inlaws were alcoholics. My mother in law(mil) used to hit the kids and scream and throw plates at my father in law(dil) and the kids would hide in their beds upstairs. According to my AH, his brother, and his sister they lived in fear. Yet, for some reason, AH spoke to his mother on a regular basis. She was the only family member whom he spoke to regularly. His sister hates him and he and his brother have a contentious relationship but they can get along for a short period of time. I'm not sure how this will play out especially since AH accuses his sister and her husband of being money grubbing idiots. And, it doesn't help that the last time I spoke to mil, she confided in me that my sister in law bounced a check(over 1,000) to her because they borrowed cash from mil for a cruise.

I never knew her this way. I just knew her as a sad retired emergency room nurse who liked to laugh at all my AH's caustic remarks and jokes. I don't know if she had cut back her drinking, but she has been living alone since my fil died back in April of last year.

Anyway, I spoke to her about 10 days ago for an hour. We talked about how my AH is just like his father and how she feels that he'll never change so I might as well move on. I never told AH that she said these things. Apparently, her mail was piling up and the police showed up at my brother in law's door yesterday and they went to the house. He found her dead in the upstairs bedroom on the floor. The family lives in Baltimore so we have to travel back for the funeral, etc. I have to find someone to watch the dog because he doesn't have all his shots yet and can't be boarded at a kennel.

Funny thing was, I was going to file for a legal separation in the next week or so, and now I feel I need to put that off. I think this loss will hit his whole family hard. Even though she was a horrible mother, she was the remaining parent and it's always hard to lose your mother. Coupled with the fact that his brother hasn't finished settling their dad's estate yet and now the house(which is falling apart around itself and should be deemed a health hazard), her car, and other assets need to be figured out as well.

TIME, you need time. We are ALL too human and it takes a lot of "processing". So sorry you are going through all this but... maybe that is what we are here for. The perfect is the enemy of the good.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:10 PM
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Sorry for the loss of your MIL. Parents do the best they can, usually--sadly it sometimes hurts the kids.

Hugs,
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:15 PM
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Sorry to hear of your loss.
Thoughts & prayers go to you & the family.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:52 PM
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So sorry for your loss. Take care of yourself and your son (and your puppy). Do what you need to do to get through this. I have no ESH to share, but am sending hugs and support.
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Old 01-23-2013, 04:23 PM
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Originally Posted by LexieCat View Post
Sorry for the loss of your MIL. Parents do the best they can, usually--sadly it sometimes hurts the kids.
i agree...

so sorry for your loss...
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Old 01-23-2013, 06:48 PM
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(((Liz))) - So sorry for your loss. Hugs and prayer to you, AH and all who loved her.

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Old 01-23-2013, 07:34 PM
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I'm sorry for your family's loss.

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