chelle85

My boyfriend is 28, we have been together for 3 years. Throughout our time together, alcohol has been a recurring issue. We fight about his drinking at least once every three months, the majority of the time it happens after a party or a night out with his friends, where they often haze one another to drink more, take shots, etc. His friends even give me a hard time when I go out with them if I don't drink or only have a drink.

My boyfriend is a sloppy drunk, he slurs his words, his face shows his drunkenness, and he often becomes incoherent. Recently he's even been falling asleep in public. Again, this only happens about once every three months, but I still find it unacceptable and most of all, I'm embarrassed.

Though I want to blame his friends, at my friend's rehearsal dinner (when he was my guest and didn't know anyone at the dinner) there was an abundance of wine on the table. My boyfriend was the drunkest one at the table, when he wasn't even a true guest, and I was embarrassed. He fell asleep in a bar the other night, and fell asleep at a dinner party on the couch, leaving me as the only single among the couples and humiliated. I feel like I can't take him anywhere or if I need him to be sober, I have to think about it ahead of time and make him promise me not to drink.

I don't want to be his mother, but everything else in our relationship is great. He seems a bit old to still be drinking like we did in college. Has anyone been through something similar? Do they ever recover or is this something that is going to get worse?

To his credit, since I've been complaining in the first year, the occasions of this have significantly decreased, from weekly to only a few times a year. But if he does it at my friend's wedding, does that mean he could do it at my work? Or does he still have the sensibility not to? I'm unclear whether he just exercises poor judgment or if he truly has a problem.

I have moved out of our apartment temporarily and am couch surfing with my friends until I figure out what to do. I just feel it's gotten to be too big of an issue and I can't count on him to put his best foot forward when alcohol is around. Do I need to call it quits or is there hope for us?

I love him more than anything and he's told me that he will stop drinking, but my parents keep telling me that it's genetic and I'm going to have addict children. He grew up without his dad, but his dad is very successful in his career, but he is a functional alcoholic. He has a sister we have somewhat shunned because she occasionally abuses drugs and we don't approve. Do I have to judge him based on the behaviors of his estranged family members? He wants so desperately to make this work, and so do I...but am I being unrealistic?

LifeRecovery

I married a binge drinker. I don't know if he is an alcoholic or not, but I do know it impacted me....and that was the piece I needed to learn. For me the definition is no longer important (is he or is he not), but that I did not like it.

I learned that in my case it did not get better....

I also learned that actions speak louder then words (mine on occasion said he would stop, but did not).

I got a lot of help with therapy, learning and reading about addiction, and going to Al-Anon (which is for friends and family members of problem drinkers).

Keep posting. I am sorry for what got you here, but glad you are here.

marie1960

About three years ago i had an important seminar/convention in Vegas. The ex alkie in my life was looking forward to joining me on this trip. I can remember sitting on my couch, looking at the passed out drooling fool, thinking to myself " this is far to important of a business meeting to allow him to ruin"

Right then, the light got brighter, and I remember thinking, "why is my business life more important than my personal life?"

You are correct, it is very embarassing to have a drunk accompany you to parties. Seems I was on pins and needles, I never really had a good time. I was to busy babysitting. Making sure we left before he had a chance to make a scene.

What happens next,..... one of two things, you stop accepting invitations or your friends stop including you. They don't want their party ruined by your partner and his unacceptable behavior. Or you begin the journey into the deep dark hole, where you hide in shame. It becomes easier to avoid the world, (it's easier to avoid versus explaining our choice.)

Love and addiction do not belong in the same sentence. I understand you may love him, but the reality....... you love the guy you wish he could be.

There is nothing attractive about an out of control drunk person. period. Over a period of time, if you allow his actions to rule your world, you are going to find yourself in a very dark place. Time to start thinking about YOU, and what is important to you.

I think your parents are looking out for your best interest. I would seriously reconsider their words of advice.

Hope you take the time to educate yourself about addiction, I truly never knew what I was up against. As adults we must make decisions on FACTS, not emotions.

Keep posting, we are listening.

hamabi

When I was in my teens, one of my steadys called the AA number to get her questions about alcoholism answered. I guess this site is the modern day equivilent to that. Another girl's parents insisted she break it off with me, and even my showing up drunk at the house to discuss it like mature adults didn't sway them.

What you've got is what you've got and few alcoholics stay sober for long. Almost all of us quit for whatever length of time it takes to prove we didn't actually have a problem, so dry periods mean nothing.

If you're ok with accepting a life that includes endless bizzare occurances and surprises you'd abhor and not consider remotely possible right now then for sure he's your man and you should build your life around him.

Only an opinion, and you are free to make the same choice as the girl who called AA. I figured since I'd told her back then I might have a problem with alcohol that I might not be able to do anything about, she had been forwarned and therefore everything that followed in the 6 years we were married and I drank she couldn't whine about since she had made the choice that brought it all on herself.

And oh, much followed.

marie1960

In answer to your question, "Is he really an alcoholic?"

Nobody can truly answer that for you.
We do not know him.
What I can say with certainty...... his actions are making you feel bad, therefore there is an issue.

28 year old man, carrying on like a first time frat boy, certainly you are worthy of a man
who is more mature and committed to showing his lady ( and himself) some respect..... JMHO.......

Florence

Addicts rarely find themselves in the throes of addiction alone. They rely on others to enable their addiction, whether by turning a blind eye to their problems (like my AH's family) or rooting them on. Your ABF seems to have both around. My advice is to ignore what he says. Listen, file it away, and watch what he does. Does he actually quit drinking? For how long? Does he lie about whether he's drinking, or how much? Do you trust him? Is he actively trying to rebuild the trust between you? Are you doing all the heavy lifting when it comes to your relationship? Are you doing all the heavy lifting when it comes to his addiction?

Don't talk to him about this. Let this be your science experiment to determine whether or not he's capable of being in a serious, committed, progressive long-term relationship with you.

If you love him as he is and are willing to continue this pattern indefinitely, socially, professionally, and personally, go for it. If not, stop this relationship in its tracks and refuse to move forward until you feel you can make an educated decision about it AND the alcoholism and the sick system your in that's made up by his addicted family and enabling friends. Can you fight them forever? Is he willing to cut them off if necessary? Or will he always keep them around as his back up in case drying out for you doesn't work out?

Here's what I know to be true. I didn't cause this, I can't cure this, and I can't control this. Everything I thought I knew about addiction before I lived with it was maybe the tip of the iceberg. Maybe a pinhead at the top of the iceberg. And I'm saying this as an educated person who is no Pollyanna when it comes to drugs and alcohol.

LadySage

Whether he is an alcoholic or not...I do think that you deserve to have a man who you are proud to be with when out with friends and around family. It really doesn't seem like too much to ask.

My AH has embarrassed me many times by drinking too much and acting in an embarrassing manner at social gatherings. It really took the fun out of them for me. He's getting help now but should he revert I know that I won't settle for such behavior. It's too sad and stressful.

thislonelygirl

I would say yes but even if he werent an alcoholic he isnt by any means controlled.
Obviously his drinking is a problem regardless since you left and are on here.
Does it get worse? Well if hes an alcoholic it very very very much could.
If he's not it very very very much could because that would mean that he may be on a separate level as you. Maybe he never grows up.
Will your kids be addicts? Its more of monkey see monkey do and the emotional mental physical toll alcoholism has on the entire family.
Everything else in my relationship is great too aside from the drinking...youll find that alcoholics can actually be wonderful people underneath however alcoholism is not curable. You dont simply get over it. You struggle everyday for the rest of your life not to drink. Do things you normally wouldnt had you not drank and suffer yourself and others around you until everything and everyone is drained.

redatlanta

Falling asleep drunk at a party was funny back in the late teens early 20's when you would do something funny to the person - like paint them with makeup and take a picture.

At 28 its not funny at all. I am curious - does he find this behavior embarrassing?

Its impossible to say whether or not he is an alcoholic but he does have problems with alcohol. It sounds like he has some maturity issues - hazing with friends and drinking games - Really? Hmmmm.

I'd continue to step way back from this for awhile. You don't have to make definitive decisions about anything right now. Sometimes its best to get away from your situation to see it clearly.

m1k3

Is he an alcoholic? I don't know and it really doesn't matter. If you are on a forum like this then his drinking is affecting you and that is pretty much all that counts.

Pay attention to his actions not his words. If he "desperately" wants to make this work then he would be doing something about his drinking, which he knows bothers you.

If he's not, well then, to quote Game of Thrones, words are wind.

Your friend,

Maylie

Many of us were told that our significant others would do anything for us and want the relationship to work more than anything..but when doing anything for us is to stop drinking, well..things change. Basically what they should say is "I'll do anything for you, except stop drinking, because well..quite frankly I love drinking more than you, but anything else I'll do".

What it comes down to is are you happy? If your not happy, it is time to step back from the relationship and think about what you want in a partner and what you want for a future. Chances are his drinking is going to get worse. He is going to keep doing stupid things at gathering, he is always going to drink too much, and probally your friends will stop asking you to come because they don't want to deal with him. Love is not enough to get him to stop drinking and grow up unfortunately.

You deserve someone who puts your before substances. I think it is good you moved out for now, this way you can think everything over without him being right there in your face all the time. Space is a very wonderful thing.