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My 6 year old is lying to me....is this because of his dad??

Old 01-26-2013, 01:37 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Yes that is why he is lying, and good idea to put them in therapy.




Originally Posted by caligirl71 View Post
Hey,
I have recently caught my 6 year old in some whoppers. When confronted he shows no remorse or gives no apologies. He just kind of admitted it that was that! My AH got a DUI in September and promised my kids he would never drink again..ever! Of course he started drinking again and is back to smelling like alcohol and slurring words almost on a daily basis. Meanwhile, when my kids confront him he lies and says he's not drinking.

I know the answer is to leave...I don't need to hear that. I'm just wondering and it's probably stupid to even wonder, but if you all think this is because he sees his dad lying and thinks it's ok. I'm thinking about putting them in therapy...
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Old 01-26-2013, 03:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Xune View Post
You've reminded me of recovering drug addict / 'alcoholic' Joani Gammill and what she's shared with the world.



"The remark about a sick parent being behind a young child with problems disturbed me to the point that I shoved it to the rear where I couldn't see it."

The Interventionist, page 299.
Joani Gammill



"No matter what maladaptive behaviours a child is exhibiting, I can guarantee you that the problem is almost certainly with the entire family, and most often the child is just the sacrificial lamb dragged to the altar of the counsellor because he or she happens to be making the most noise and has the least amount of power or ability to shift the focus to someone else."

Family First, page 5.
Dr. Phil
What are you trying to suggest here? Are you blaming me? I really don't like any of the post's you have made here to me. I'm not coming here to get yelled at or told this is my fault. Maybe you shouldn't judge someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes!!
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:21 PM
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Excuse me at least try to give the child some help sorting out what is happening in his life.



Originally Posted by Xune View Post
A six year old in therapy who still has a drunk for a father. What good do you think will come of that?



Signed;

Ex-drunk dad who is now sober.
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Old 01-26-2013, 06:25 PM
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[
And your point?



QUOTE=Xune;3790898]You've reminded me of recovering drug addict / 'alcoholic' Joani Gammill and what she's shared with the world.



"The remark about a sick parent being behind a young child with problems disturbed me to the point that I shoved it to the rear where I couldn't see it."

The Interventionist, page 299.
Joani Gammill



"No matter what maladaptive behaviours a child is exhibiting, I can guarantee you that the problem is almost certainly with the entire family, and most often the child is just the sacrificial lamb dragged to the altar of the counsellor because he or she happens to be making the most noise and has the least amount of power or ability to shift the focus to someone else."

Family First, page 5.
Dr. Phil
[/QUOTE]
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Old 01-27-2013, 02:29 AM
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My experience is that when I have been in situations that I have been powerless to change, therapy has given me tools to deal with it better.

I believe that to be true about children as well. Mine do not have a say in whether they spend time with their actively drinking father or not - but the therapist has given the tools to help them feel less scared about his drinking and create action plans for what do do in different situations.
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Old 01-27-2013, 03:53 AM
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Hello caligirl;

Sadly, I never had children of my own, but I do know from speaking to other parents that sometimes, little kids lie....pretty big enormous ones....and these children have grown up in quite stable homes with no divorce, no alcoholism or addiction.

Perhaps a nice long talk about the truth and what it means to you would be a good start. Therapy is always an option you can explore as well.

Ultimately, growing up without active addiction is always the best thing for any child. Many hugs and prayers for your whole family as you move through all of this! HG
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Old 01-27-2013, 05:20 AM
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You obviously want to handle this in your sons best interest so I believe it's reasonable to state at 6 years old he probably isn't consciously aware of what is motivating him as much as he's doing it because he likes the outcome.

I remember being taught that the age of reason is 7 years old (don't think that has changed). So in generalities he isn't reasoning his choice. When he does reason it, (despite double standards that may be obvious or not to your son) it will still boil down to his knowing the expectation is to do the right thing, and consequences will go a long way in helping him make better choices.

From my own experience, I think it is important that our children (ourselves included) believe that we have the power to do the right thing no matter what dysfunction is going on around us. I wouldn't bring AH into this unless your son does. I suspect your son will innocently say, "why can dad lie?" if he has an issue with it though again, I doubt he is even seeing it that way. A discussion about lying and son giving examples of someone who has lied will give you a bigger picture as well.
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Old 01-27-2013, 12:18 PM
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Pardon me if I've missed something in this thread, I didn't read the whole thing. But I did a quick search for child development and lying.

Here's an excerpt:
Six year olds lie for many reasons; most of them are developmental, but others may be stress related. A six year oldís "lies" are not exactly like those of an adult, because a childís understanding of right, wrong and morality are different than an adults. However, since six year olds are developing their sense of justice and morality, it is important that we be sensitive and thoughtful when we respond to their experiments with truth and mistruth.
Six year olds are still trying to figure out the power of language. You can make things happen with language: you can draw a picture for someone of an event they didnít experience, hurt someoneís feelings or share a thought, an idea, a feeling. You can create a whole reality with language. Once children discover this, theyíre driven to explore it, and much of their lying comes from this kind of wishful thinking: "I wish this were true, so Iíll pretend that it is, and then maybe it will come true."
Children are also creative. They create elaborate stories that are similar to dreams; they have parts in them that are true or based on real events, but they also have terrific flights of imagination. Younger children are often unsure which parts of their stories are real and which are fantasy. As they get older, they are clearer about what is true and what is false, but other questions arise.
"Can I use language to change someoneís idea of an event?" "Could I actually change a past event by describing it as different than it was?" "If I can convince Mom that I didnít take the cookies out of the cupboard, would it still be wrong?"


In light of your husband's addiction, I would agree other posters that seeing a therapist is a good idea. I would avoid anything that might shame your son. And approaching therapy with an attitude of "Is there something wrong here?" rather than "There is something wrong here with this lying" may avoid burdening your child further.

He might have a tendency already to feel like something is wrong with him because dad can't fill his needs for love, attention and consistency due to the addiction. Kids can't imagine there is something wrong with a parent, they can only see themselves as having done something wrong. Lot to deal with for a little one.
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