choublak

LOL @ 6-year-olds with "credit cards"...

All joking aside, is there any way you can take the money out of his account?

I also don't think this has anything to do with his father being an alcoholic. He has a couple friends who buy lunch and charge it to their accounts, it's like "look at me I'm cool because I can buy lunch with my credit card".

Xune

The six year old can see all the therapists in the world, but the six year old will still have a drunk for a father.

Instead of forcing the kid into therapy to help him deal with a drunk for a parent, maybe the problem of the 'alcoholic' parent should be dealt with?

caligirl71

I would never "force" my kids to do anything they didn't want to! Do you really think it is that easy to "fix" my AH?? Wow...I am doing my best here. It really feels like you are judging me and I don't like it. I am a good mother to my kids. Not everyone has an easy out!!! I do the best I can given my situation.

cece1960

Don't let a few offhand remarks get under your skin caligirl. If any of us could fix our loved ones, none of us would be here would we? I am sure the thought has already occurred to you to deal with all of the circumstances in your home.

I don't know if your son is lying because he's troubled by something, or because he is six. I was a nutcase about honesty from my kids...but they occassionally lied anyway.

Xune

Judging you? No.

Challenging you? Yes.

AtATotalLoss

Cali - all you can do is do your best to fix yourself and your perceptions, which I can feel you are trying to do, so good on that! I agree that trying out some therapy for your son is probably a good idea. Even if you are still with AH, it gives your son a safe and neutral place to vent his feelings.
Xune, as a recovering 'alcoholic' yourself (I find it interesting that you put that in 'quotes'), I would think you would understand that challenging anyone who is struggling with any facet of this problem is most of the time not what they need to hear. Us people who love addicts have issues too. That's what makes it so sad for everyone included...

FireSprite

It really sounds like 6-year old behavior to me. At that age, social pressure starts to become real & they start to push at their boundaries a little bit more to see how far they can stretch them. School starts to get 'real' in terms of academics & sensitive kiddos feel that added stress. I agree that he probably didn't necessarily understand what 'charging to his account' even meant.

Yes, there's a possibility it's more about a grab for attention. My niece went through the worst, longest phase around that age of not caring whether she got positive or negative attention from adults.... just so long as she got any at all. She really wanted attention from her AF, but short of that she'd take whatever she could get to replace it. Does he act out in other ways & this is just one example of many different kinds of bad behavior? If not, I'd chalk it up to growing pains.

Xune

I don't label myself an alcoholic. I use the DSM definition, I have an alcohol dependency that is in early remission. I am an addict in recovery.

What good would it be taking an obese child to a nutrionist and physical trainer, if back at home his parents are still putting massive amounts of unhealthy foods in front of him at home?

My entire point that I am trying to get across is for the OP to figure out what the root cause of the dysfunction is and then instead of treating the symptoms ( child acting out), deal with the underlying problem.

What would benefit a child more;

A safe and neutral place to vent about his drunk dad or a sober dad who is in recovery?

FireSprite

Are you suggesting that the OP has the power & control to force her AH into recovery?

Because yes, obviously having the child's dad in recovery would be ideal.... but IMO not something that his spouse can dictate or control. She has no choice but to treat the symptoms.... it's not her disease.

Xune

You know very well what option is available to the OP.

The OP was openly threatening her AH that she was leaving him. He told her to divorce him if he ever drank again.

Two weeks ago OP was excited her AH was in recovery.

Sounds like a bluff has been called and now therapy for the kids is being considered?

The underlying problem is what? The kids have an actively using drunk for a father.

The drunk Dad keeps using..but the kids are the ones being considered for therapy...because of the addict.

Seems backwards to me.

FireSprite

I guess my point is that even if she exercises that boundary & leaves (which I agree with the bluff being called) that doesn't force dad in recovery OR solve Jr's problems.

Likely the child would have an even GREATER need for therapy, no? Even if the OP moves on, the child STILL has an active alcoholic for a father. Nothing changes that fact until HE himself decides to seek recovery.

It IS backward, but it's the type of choice family members are left with when someone in their family is an active alcoholic.

Do you have any experience on this side of the fence Xune? (I'm asking respectfully, not with 'tude ) Are your experiences with alcoholism limited to BEING the alcoholic the way that mine are limited to being a Codie?

Xune

We agree on that point. Children could benefit from therapy if the root cause of the dysfunction is dealt with.

I'm the drunk in recovery, my wife is clean.

thislonelygirl

Xune
I understand what your saying . You make a valid point. A very valid point
But lets not forget that it is ridiculously hard to love an addict and the journey is to each their own

Justfor1

I agree with ya. There is a saying, "take what you want & leave the rest" that may help. Some people respond with "tough" love & advice while other need bits of sympathy & gently given advice.

4MyBoys

Caligirl,

From my experience, I think what makes this harder for you is the ommision of what was going on involved money. As a newly single mom who went from a very cushy lifestyle to trying to raise two boys on my own, on just my salary, (because he would not make child support or daycare payments), oh I understand how tight money can be.

From my personal experience, my five year old, who normally never lies, just told his Dad on the phone the other night that the "Practice Lockdown" the school had was because there was gunman outside their Kindergarden class window with a shot gun and tons of police had to come. Whoa! Talk about a whopper! My STBXAH immediately had me on the phone to explain what the heck happened. Took a while to calm him down but when I explained that he would have seen it on some news if it had happened, he got it. (Don't worry we had a long talk about telling the truth)

He was told a little about the Sandy Hook incident from an older child at after school care. Nice....Anyway, I think at around this age they still are not all together sure about right and wrong and truth and make believe. Use this as a learning tool about that just because he did not tell you does not, make it not a lie. (Bad Grammer!) And that when money is involved that it can affect things like food for dinner, new shoes, being able to pay for TV bills, etc. (Stuff they will relate to.)

Unless your son saw something directly related to an incident like this, I think it was most just your son making a bad decision.

Good luck Mom, it is not always easy,
4MyBoys

caligirl71

Thanks but I don't need to be challenged. I have enough challenges to overcome in my everyday life. I come here for support, not to be challenged. I wish my AH would seek recovery but I am not able to make him. Believe me, I wish I could. So for now I take things one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time. In the meantime I find comfort in this board because others understand what I am going thru when my close friends and family just don't!

Justfor1

I would think living with a alcoholic husband would be "challenging" enough.

Xune

You've reminded me of recovering drug addict / 'alcoholic' Joani Gammill and what she's shared with the world.



"The remark about a sick parent being behind a young child with problems disturbed me to the point that I shoved it to the rear where I couldn't see it."

The Interventionist, page 299.
Joani Gammill


"No matter what maladaptive behaviours a child is exhibiting, I can guarantee you that the problem is almost certainly with the entire family, and most often the child is just the sacrificial lamb dragged to the altar of the counsellor because he or she happens to be making the most noise and has the least amount of power or ability to shift the focus to someone else."

Family First, page 5.
Dr. Phil

choublak

Are you trying to suggest she divorce her husband, without coming out and saying it?

Katiekate

My father was a violent alcoholic. I really wish someone had been concerned enough about me as a child to find someone to talk to me and give me some help and maybe comfort. Even if my father was not seeking help.