Redheadsusie

And stupid stupid me picked up. It went calmly but when I said 1 thing he did not like he of course turned painfully ugly. I should have hung up but I engaged. Said horrible things back and today I feel drained and upset and tired. He hates himself and takes it out on me. Could care less about my sons or me or our elderly dog who is sick. He is living free in a gorgeous house on the River - I am paying for our home and taking care of it. He told me I have less than 3 months to leave - really - we have no equity - so that will not be an issue - bought at the peak of the market. But where I live is very expensive and the longer I can stay here the easier on me and the dog and my son. I have no money for a deposit anywhere - I am screwed. He said he will move back in and pay 1/3 of the mortgage if I don't leave because my son is 1/3. I said I was trying to find a place but it was hard- he said don't expect compassion from me. What ******* adult says that to his wife. I asked if he paid to live with his parents and he got quiet. He is a true selfish mean vulgar man. He attacked my character - my looks- my mental capacities - you name it. I know - what did I expect. Nothing really. I paid off that bastards truck- have paid for most of the payments ( does me no good) paid personal property taxes - paid all insurances included his boat. I bought him a laptop 6 months ago and I don't have one for my business. It means nothing. I am sick with disgust today. This too shall pass - I am tired of the game ................... I wish bad things for him and then I feel guilty. I am nice person - I have led an honest decent life and don't wish harm on people - usually. I have no money to fall back on because I spent it all to support us - I have no family to fall back on and work on 100% commission. To say I am scared is an understatment. ****. I am grateful for many things and need to concentrate on that. I take responsibility for my part in this and need to get better - he again told me I have ruined his life . Wasted 13 years on a mean *******!

Tuffgirl

Susie, have you met with an attorney to discuss your rights and what you are entitled to in this marriage?

Redheadsusie

Yes Tuffgirl I have - I am grateful for the advice though! :-)

RollTide

Susie,

It sounds to me like you're still being emotionally abused by that man. You said, "I should have hung up but I engaged." It took me a long time to realize that any contact I had with my XAH ended in me being upset and I have learned to avoid it. One of my favorite sayings is, "Don't engage." I received an e-mail from my ex several days ago that upset me. I didn't respond and received another that was worse. I kept telling myself, "Don't engage." I find power in being able to do that. Now I will direct his e-mails to the spam folder where they belong and will go unread.

Tuffgirl

It sounds like a lot of BS to me, Susie. Just angry-talk. I know its hard, but try to ignore it and to not engage. This coming from someone who historically walked around with the proverbial hook in my mouth...took me a long time to not engage...but once I figured it out, it was worth it.

I am sorry, though! Hope today is a better day and you can relax and have some peace.

celticgenes

Sorry for all of the BS you're being subject to. I held mostly tough through about six months of hateful communication from my AXF. We still have property/financial issues to work out.

After that, he seemed to calm down and get some help. He even apologized for trying to goad me into fighting with him. I communicate with him now, very warily, and only when he's sober.

Hopefully you can keep your communication on paper (email), or through attorneys. I was "this close" to getting a restraining order. Do not be abused. Financial collapse sucks, but you can recover. It's harder to erase the hateful words from someone who supposedly "loved" you.

All the best, wish you well.

PohsFriend

Susie - sorry, I forget... are you just seperated or divorcing or...?

If there is a divorce filed, talk to an attorney but since he's out of the house now and you are there with your child I can't fathom that it would be hard to get temporary orders (The rules that apply during pendency of a divorce action... often much more favorable to a wife/mom who is primary caregiver than the final decree) that say he can pay his 1/3 but he can't choose to move back in unless that's what you want.

Any family attorney with an IQ above room temperature ought to be able to draft that request in five minutes.

Redheadsusie

PohsFriend we are just separated - have not filed anything but will .

PohsFriend

OK, I'm trying really hard to shut up and not offer advice unless asked for it

You are not powerless nor are you subject to what he demands.

Redheadsusie

I know I am just going to make the plan that is best for me and ignoe his ranting. No contact is a must - I am so weary today from that conversation. I need someone to smack me in the face................... Literally :-)

You are always welcome to give me any advice you want- apparently I am incapable of handling myself these days.

Rosiepetal

I am sorry Susie.
I've been there & it isn't nice.
I too had to fight my way through & provide for my kids & buy a new home & find work, all the while trying to get kids through separation. He dragged settlement out as much as he could so I couldn't move on.
I even had to fight for furniture to put in my new home even though I left with nothing & he'd had it all for 1 year! I had to send men up to our home to get the kids trampoline because he wasn't cooperating & then when it was gone received nasty texts telling me what he thought of me.
It's BS & unnecessary & it shouldn't happen but it does.
One day there will be a time that you will be settled again & you can put it all behind you.
Hang in there.
Big hugs
:ghug3

PohsFriend

LOL... ain't that a bitch when we stop trusting our own judgment because we allowed the unacceptable for too long.

So you want to talk to an attorney at some point if you are certain that divorce is how you want to go. I'm not an attorney. I do have a background of working with a national group that educates dads on how to navigate the family law industry and represent themselves.

So when I was on as a volunteer and some poor schmoe walked in crying saying he wanted a divorce and pouring his guts out I always told them that a custody divorce is a hard and long process and that the energy required to fix a FIXABLE marriage was less.... go sleep on it for a few days and if you are still certain I'll help you get started. Thankfully, about half never came back after that chat.

But then there is the other half who knew it was time.

Understanding the system is very important. He'll likely threaten you with all the reasons why you better not fight him and let him have his way. At the end of the day, he has a penis, he has an addiction problem and Courts don't love either of those two maladies. When a suit is filed it is usually filed with a TRO and a request for emergency temporary orders and an affidavit of facts in support of the petition.
Frankly, if a woman files first and is in possession of the house and there are kids living there it is super easy to get orders stating that wife keeps possession of the home during the pendency of the suit and - bonus time - it is likely he would get tagged with making at least half the payment during the pendency of the suit. Whether you get that (He's living with parents - does he have decent income?) or not, getting a restraining order which precludes him from entering the residence without your permission is a cakewalk - he left. Doesn't matter if he wants to come back or if you told him to leave... Judges keep status quo until the matter is sorted out.

Actually, if he lives with parents then if you both document your needs he may wind up forking over much more of what he makes during the pendency of the suit than what you'll get after it's final.

Don't talk to that attorney until you are 100% certain but once you are and have been for several days - file first.

Meanwhile, if you can't document it, then it never happened. Record calls, save emails, behave like mother Theresa and simply pretend that the judge is listening to everything you say and watching everything you do. If he gets mad and yells and you keep your head... that plays REALLLY badly for him in a courtroom later.

Hang in there and focus on keeping your act together... if he has to fork over some of his check during the divorce it may help you stick away a bit to start over with. Just be fair and reasonable - not a doormat but don't go for the throat... you'll feel better and heal faster if you can look back and say that you did not take any crap but did not act in a vengeful or cruel fashion.

...and what's wrong with him? My first rule WRT women is 'never **** off a redhead'. Doesn't take a rocket surgeon to figure that one out... in nature there are several poisonous but tasty animals that don't get eaten because they are marked with red on top (no kidding) ...same applies with women. He must not have taken biology.

Rosiepetal

I believe 9 times out of 10 the man gets the house because the women is looking after the kids & has no income to buy the husband out.

Redheadsusie

Hahahaha- He was a dumb jock- probably took rocks for jocks and skipped Bio!~ Muahhhhhhh - he will be sorry - whispered the redhead............... :-) I do appeciate the advice truly!

ShootingStar1

I'm not sure about that, Rosiepetal. I believe the Judge has the right to order the marital home sold and the proceeds split. A real estate conservator, or whatever the title is, can be appointed by the Judge to handle the sale.

ShootingStar1

fourmaggie

ain't that a bitch when we stop trusting our own judgment because we allowed the unacceptable for too long.

i love this quote....we except it far to long.....