NMSweetie

I am new here so forgive me if I do not know where to post or what to write. I am the girlfriend of an alcoholic/drug addict who is now in an inpatient rehabilitation facility. The facility is 200 miles away from home so I can't have much contact with him, visit or feel connected in the process. He has been in the facility for exactly one week now and has moved from detox to rehab. He is now able to call occasionally but the first time I spoke with him, he sounded like a zombie. Is this normal? It terrified me as I did not know what to expect.

Now that we speak more, the zombie mode has diminished some but I feel so out of the loop and don't really know what he is thinking. When we speak about his classes, he complains that they are brutal and barbaric and last forever. I try to tell him our mantra over and over "I know it isn't easy, but in the end it will be worth it!" I just feel from my perspective that he is just going through the motions and not really absorbing the information he is learning in group sessions and in classes. I almost feel like I have more hope from his experience than even he does. Trust issues were prevalent during our relationship, as I am sure is the case with most addicts, but I feel like I have to wait to even begin to work through those since he is working on himself. So here I also sit, alone, stewing over unresolved issues and knowing that he is in such a fragile state that I cannot even begin to bring them up with him now. It is hard because whenever I want to tried to have a discussion with him prior to rehab, he would always he was taking a beating and played the victim card, even though it was HIM who lied to ME.

Before he was admitted into the facility, I gave him a list of things he needed to work on before I could even begin to think of continuing our relationship. One was to get help--either inpatient or outpatient, two was to be productive and focus his time on work and find a job (which is something that was hard for him since his alcoholism prevented him from holding down a job). And of course, I am terrified of the unknown, as he may come out of this a completely different person than before and I fear many of the traits I loved about him were due to his alcohol and drug abuse (much of which he hid from me).

He hit rock bottom, got in a fight, had 4 broken ribs, I had to take him to the ER, he began having withdrawal symptoms into day 2, I asked his Dad to take him back to the ER, then had his Mom come get him so he could stay with her as I could no longer do this. It is then that he started calling to get help in a facility and the inpatient facility finally accepted him (after first denying him). Sometimes I also feel he only wanted to get help because I told him I wouldn't be with him unless he did, and not really because HE wanted to and was ready to make this drastic life change. Thank you for giving the opportunity to get my story out in a safe environment where I know several others have experienced what I am currently going through!

laurie6781

Welcome to Sober Recovery! You really have found a great place! With lots of folks with Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

I have sent you a private message (PM) and I know you cannot respond until you have I believe 10 posts, so don't worry about that.

Please read around the forum, read ALL the 'stickys' at the top of the forum and start reading some of the threads and responses. You are going to be surprised at how many times 'your story' is told.

We have been where you are or are where you are in one form or another. It takes time to realize that the 3 C's are true.

I didn't Cause this.

I can't Control this.

I can't Cure this.

The only person we can fix and help is ourselves. Please check out some Alanon meetings here in Las Cruces, I think they can benefit you.

What you are experiencing right now is pretty much the normal, if anything in a relationship with an A could be called 'normal.'

You really are not going to get much clarity out of him at this time. His mind is MUSH and he does not know if he is coming or going. Rehab is not a 'cure' but it does give the A a whole bunch of tools to help the person in their Recovery.

There is no telling if he will 'lose' the parts of himself that 'you love.' Usually, if a person is sincere in their recovery and working hard on their recovery in time others will start to see a change in the person and usually for the good. But it takes TIME, A 30 or 60 or 90 day rehab is but a beginning. One day they will say one thing and the next day might say the exact opposite.

I know this because many years ago I was there, and my first 6 months of recovery are still a bit of a blur, but by 6 months I did start working on myself in earnest and almost 32 years later I am still here and I am still sober and clean. I also, at 3 years sober was instructed very strongly by my AA sponsor to start attending Alanon and to get an Alanon sponsor. There again my HP was looking out for me in that my Alanon sponsor is a 'double winner' (like me and others on this board) who got sober in AA and then had to start attending Alanon because her husband stayed practicing.

Whether you two stay together or not remains to be seen. You say you have trust issues with him and that is understandable. It will take a long time before you can become comfortable with him and know that he is not lying or evading. The traits do not immediately 'go away' when a person puts down the alcohol and/or drugs. That is the easy part. The hard part is working on one's self! And it is hard both for the Alcoholic and the loved ones of an Alcoholic.

So, please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care so very much. Feel free to rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh, we do understand.

Love and hugs,

ps: feel free to call me!

Recovering2

Hi Sweetie, welcome! I have a very similar story to yours. My (now in recovery) AB was in an inpatient treatment facility out of state last Nov/Dec. He came home the first week of January. He was in detox for several days before going into the normal treatment area, so it was over a week before I heard anything from him. I was told by the Counselors that "no news is good news". In other words, he's an adult and they're working with him....not me. When we first spoke, even though he had "detoxed" he was still in a fog. That lasted for a few weeks.
I had been going to a counselor prior to him going into treatment, but was told now is the time to REALLY work on me while he's away. So I learned to let go. He was in a safe place doing his work, and I had to focus on my own recovery. Does his facility have a Family Program? Ours did, and I attended that for a week...was truly life changing for me. Take advantage of AlAnon while he is away...go to as many meetings as you can. Read "Codependent No More" and "The Language of Letting Go", both my Melody Beattie.

I had my own list of what I wanted him to work on. That list had to go out the window. It's not up to me to plan his recovery. He worked on that with the counselors, and I had to stop trying to be in control. I was really scared when he came home, no idea what to expect. That first week wasn't great. We seemed to walk on egg shells around each other. I think he was afraid of how hurt I was by his actions, and I was hanging on to resentments. I wanted apologies now!! Through AlAnon, I learned that will come in time as he heals. So I made the decision to forgive him for the pain he caused while drunk, and to support his recovery. I told him, and asked him to support my own recovery from this.
So far...so good. We're doing well. I have NO idea what tomorrow will bring, but today is good. I am thankful for that.
Your BF has taken the first huge step. It will take time for him to process and start to "get it". Take this time alone to focus on your journey.
I wish you the best.

NMSweetie

You both really are amazing! It helps knowing what others have gone through and your willingness to share means the world to me. I feel so lost, so confused, so full of anger and resentment, and really hurt. So yes, it makes perfect sense to work on me right now. Of course, the 'normal people' in my life (and I use those words very loosely) do not understand my plight and just want me to leave him. Let him deal with the repercussions of his actions, etc. But as we know, the head and the heart operate separately from each other and not everything is black and white.

Thank you, Laurie, as it does seem that I am in a state of my own craziness right now because I feel stuck in a situation I cannot control. I can't even control when we speak. I called his nurse today just to talk to someone who has talked to him. This whole process, which we are only one week into, is taking over my life. But even I know that it is because I am ALLOWING it to take over my life.

I am so hurt by some of the actions he did that I am not fully ready to forgive him right now, but hope to get there soon. Thank you both for all of your insight and support. It means the world to me in a time like this!!!

LifeRecovery

NMSweetie-

Welcome to a great place for support. I think that those above me summed up things well.

I also live in NM and have found Al-Anon here to be wonderful and supportive (I live in the opposite part of the state from Laurie). Though I have worked other pieces of recovery in other places this part of my recovery I have worked here.

Welcome and keep posting, it helps.