To Not Be Codependent: What Secrets Do I Tell?
 

My AH got angry with me because I wouldn't have sex with him while he was drunk and told him the truth when he asked me why I wouldn't. He punched the wall twice and woke up with a gigantic hand, perhaps broken.

We are in the same workplace. He claimed he fell off his bike. I supported that story. He told the same lie to his family and I supported him there too. I drove us around and to work exclusively for 10 days (he usually drives more) because his hand was unusable. I think I've given him the impression that almost breaking his hand in drunken anger is a cozy secret between us. Something "stupid" he did one night while kind of ticked off but no big deal.

In actuality, I found it pretty disturbing and became somewhat afraid that I could be the next punching bag. I said that it was not okay at the beginning, but I think the secrets and lack of consequences say otherwise.

How can I do this better? Do I inform him that I won't be lying in similar situations again? Do I lie at work? We both work for a family member who might react unpredictably and negatively to the truth.

His family has no idea about his alcoholism and has religious objections to drinking at all.

Why do you have to say anything at all? You can't stop him from lying, but that doesn't mean you have to back him up.

If someone asks YOU how he broke his hand, you can simply refer them to him. Let him answer the questions--he's the one with the broken hand.

I think you are right to be concerned about the wall-punching.

I suggest that you try Al-Anon if you haven't already done so. Your instincts that you shouldn't lie for him, and that you shouldn't have to tolerate wall-punching, are right on. In an Al-Anon meeting you don't have to have any secrets--that in itself will give you a lot of relief. And you can learn some other tools that will help you keep your head clear so you can make good decisions for yourself in this difficult situation.

I totally hated codependents anonymous. I have trouble with higher powers, steps, and saying "Hello so-and-so!" every time anyone speaks.

Might I like al-anon, even so? Been making do with an individual therapist.

Thank you for the "refer questions about his hand to the AH himself". That's clever. I'll do that. :-)

Tick, Tick, Tick, the time bomb can go off at any time and you may be the next target. Protect yourself.

Be careful, you could very well become his next punching bag.

Well, Al-Anon has the "higher power" stuff, too, but all it really means is anything more powerful than you. Some people think of the power of the universe, or the power of the group.

And the "Hi, I'm ____" is just a tradition. It does help get to know people by name (anonymous groups aren't big on the name-tag thing, lol).

Try putting aside the things that annoy you. Try engaging in the "experience, strength and hope" part that is the heart of the program. I've never been to Co-Dependents Anonymous, so I couldn't compare, but I know I found a lot of relief in being surrounded by others dealing with the same kinds of craziness I had in my life. Try it for a little while. If you hate it, you don't have to go back. You still might learn some things, some tools, that will help you.

Hi kale,

Are you open to the idea of therapy? I have find it very useful & healing.

You have been a victim of violence already.

Punching the wall is an act of abuse and intimidation.

Please, seek help before it is too late. Follow your gut. Your instinct is always right and it is trying to tell you something.

1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Kale, I totally understand the higher power and steps thing. I am an agnostic with Buddhist and Taoist leanings.

For me my higher power is Not Me, meaning my ego. Whether it is God, intuitive awareness, Buddha Nature it doesn't matter. I just have to let go of letting my ego drive my behaviors. I can't think my way out of this since it was my best thinking that got me here.

I work the steps but not with a sponsor, I have serious issues with what I perceive to be authority figures. If you look online you can find different versions of the steps that are written from an atheist/agnostic perspective.

I have found Alanon to be a huge help. Being around people who understand is awesome. It is so good to know you are not alone. It is a great way to break the isolation and to learn that secrets are just another form of manipulation.

I really like Lexie's advice. His secrets are his, you don't have to either confirm or deny.

I also agree that the violence is something to be concerned about.

Your friend,

From Am I Being Abused? « National Domestic Violence Hotline

Am I Being Abused?
How is your relationship?

Does your partner:

Embarrass you with put-downs?
Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
Make all of the decisions?
Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
Prevent you from working or attending school?
Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
Force you to try and drop charges?
Threaten to commit suicide?
Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions,
you may be in an abusive relationship.

I have a couple of thoughts to share.

Regarding the wall punching...
Actions speak louder than words. You have shown him that you will protect him from the consequences of his behavior. IMO, saying "next time, I won't do that" is like a threat, one that perhaps you won't be ready to back up. That's ok. Be gentle with yourself. You deserve it, you need it. I would figure out what I was willing to put up with, and prepare myself to draw boundaries.

How recently did this happen? Has it been a few days or a few months?

About your AH's actions...your instincts about becoming his next punching bag are right. The anger he expressed toward the wall was anger toward you. He's showing you that he is not able to control his anger. He got angry when you told him the truth of why you wouldn't sleep with him. He's showing you what happens when you are honest and direct. Pay attention to your thoughts that come up when you lie for him. Are you afraid that he will get angry/drunk again and so you protect him from the truth?

Regarding al-anon...
I understand your aversions to co-dependents anonymous. I also have trouble with the "hi Firstname" and Christian undertones of alanon. The twelve steps...I don't really have an opinion on yet because I've not started them. I don't like how it seems the answer is to "keep coming back"...and some people have been their decades and still go to several meetings a week. It seems to paint a bleak picture for my future. Will I still have all these problems in 30 years? And as a result, will I still need to go to al-anon for that long??

This is how I choose to look at things for now:
I need plenty of help and support at this moment. Al-anon provides a place where there is no need for secrets. No one's going to tell you what to do. Many have been where you are. No one can quite understand what you're going through like someone who has been through it. Al-anon says to define your own higher power and personally, I define it as my deepest self, perhaps my soul, which I believe is a part of the greater conciousness of all things. My deepest self is who I am trying to get back in touch with. It is what provides my instincts...which I am also getting back in touch with. It knows what I need, what I want, what I am capable of. I've lived in my head for to long and have forgotten how to listen to my deeper self. << That is what I think of when anyone in a meeting references God or their higher power. Even though there is a Christian prayer at the end of each meeting...I tell myself "Take what you need, and leave the rest." Which is echoed by the other members.

Take what you need and leave the rest. They keep telling me to come back. So I do. Sometimes I just cry and don't share. Sometimes I say a few things...I don't really know what I'm talking about, just know what I want to share. That's ok.

A few other thoughts...
Each meeting can have a different tone or feeling. Go for 5 or 6 to one and if you don't jive, try another one. There are online meetings as well if local ones don't suit you.

Is your therapist trained in substance abuse? Someone with experience in this area may be more of a support to you.

So far, I've found more help by reading "Co-dependent No More" than going to al-anon (I've only been going for a few weeks).

Good luck.

Yes, and remember that you don't have to lay out your boundaries for anyone else. Boundaries are for you.

I think I would have advised that you indeed tell him that you will not lie or hide things for him anymore. However, his actions when you were direct and honest about sex are very concerning. As Florence said, the boundaries that you establish are about you. They are not a threat to him or a warning. That wouldn't work anyway because you didn't Cause it - you can't Cure it and you can't Control it.

I kept so many secrets for my STBAXH (I kept them for me too). I have no doubt it gave him the security that he wanted to keep on keeping on with the drinking and verbal abuse. The message my actions and silence sent was very, very clear. I wonder if this concern about your "message" should be the focus right now.

As others have noted, he is showing you that your refusal to play along causes him to lose control. Maybe the highest priority is to come up with a plan that will allow you to leave at a moment's notice in case things get more violent. You may never need that plan, but it sure doesn't hurt to have one.

Take good care of yourself.
Hugs,
MamaKit

I had a similar experience.

One of the things I struggled with in the whole thing (my husband punched a window and kicked our dog), was I did set a boundary/ultimatum of if something like that happens again I will not stay the night at the house, but leave and stay at a hotel.

I made it so specific though that though drinking and inappropriate behavior continued, violence did not....and I as a result did not connect that the drinking (and resulting behaviors) was still inappropriate to me.

Therapy, Al-Anon, etc helped. I was not going when this happened, but know that I would handle it differently now (for myself if not with him).

I just want to add one thing re the Al-Anon and people who go to several meetings a week after many years.

Many people go to that many meetings because they have experience, strength, and hope to share with the newcomer. If everyone quit going to Al-Anon (or to AA) once they got better, who would be there to guide the new people, who come in feeling desperate and lost?

There are also people who "up" the number of meetings when life gets very tough and they need extra doses of serenity. I know I do.

My xah used to punch holes on the wall, destroyed furniture, once he even raised his fist at me but never hit me. I was lucky I guess, he also told me that if I ever called the cops, there was going to be blood spread all over (he had guns at home), so I never did, after he got sober and left, I tried to contact him to "beg him" not to divorced me, not after I put up with so much for so many years....well! he called the cops on me for harrasing him!!! ....(he drunk again months later).
My higher power had mercy on me....but there is so much healing to do still....please be safe. I did not know about this website, it could of help me so much then but I am glad is helping me so much more now!!
Thank you SR....thank you! :tyou

Don't just do something, Stand There!

...you don't have to reveal his lies or back them up. Why should you? Sometimes the best thing to do is not to do anything, be like Switzerland.... Ok, actually I hate those jerks, they cook like Germans, smoke like the French and their lameass hotels are $600/night so just be neutral.. don't be Swiss ;-)

As far as punching the walls that is scary. I think I did that a few times around age 18 when football and steroids made such a lovely combo - ridiculous upper body strength and barely contained rage being run by a teenaged boys brain? Sweet.

This is different...

Just food for thought. By the time something is bad enough for someone to take action there is usually a pattern. Problem is, until there is an incident that is bad enough, it goes unreported so folks like Lexiecat have a helluva time proving it in a courtroom.

So something to think about NOW would be to make sure that this and any future violence is documented. I would suggest seeing a marriage counselor to talk about this one. Someone who is not you and who a Court would listen to closely needs to know about this. If it was a one time loss of control and that painful hand is sufficient to discourage another similar move then no harm, no foul and you can set it aside but if it happens again or escalates it sure would be nice to demonstrate a pattern if it ever becomes a legal matter.

When you confirm his lie, you just gave him a witness and it sounds like you inadvertently gave him several people who can truthfully testify that he hurt his hand in an accident and look - this crazy bitch is claiming he got violent X years later solely to gain advantage in Court.

...sure would be nice to call a professional to the stand who could confirm what happened and your fear of telling the truth.

LexiCat - you are a pro on this topic - whatchya think?

I get afraid of him not only hurting me but hurting himself if he is out of control.

This evening we were at the grocery store. Sometimes I pay for all of our groceries together, sometimes we pay separately. He was going to get a bottle of wine to put in our collective basket for me to pay for, but I walked over to the wine section with him and said quietly that I wouldn't be paying for any alcohol.

He called me an ******* and bought it himself. On the the way home he said I was being judgmental, and I asked what do you mean exactly. He said that I don't need to understand what he means, I just need to hear him. So I said I hear you saying you think I'm judgmental. Okay.

He's been angry, sulky, and hiding away in his bedroom (we haven't shared a bedroom in months).

I get afraid he might snap and hurt one of us. I'm trying to acquire a car for myself since we've been sharing his.

Blame shifting, lying, deflection, denial and manipulation are typical behaviors of an active addict/alcoholic. He will do whatever he needs to - to protect and sustain his addiction. Please stay safe and start making a plan. Violence can escalate very quickly.

He is showing you who is - believe him!!

Thank you LexieCat.

Kale, it doesn't hurt to make a plan. The plan doesn't have to include a car. You can call the national domestic violence hotline to talk about what you're going through, they can help you figure out a plan and arm you with information regarding violence and your options in escaping: 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)