Looking for Help
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Looking for Help
Hello,
I don't know where to begin except I am looking for help. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a wonderful son together. For the most part, we are extremely happy. However, I feel my husband has a problem with alcohol. Before we met, he acquired a DUI and was arrested for public intoxication. His mother, father and sister have issues with alcohol/addiction. Earlier in our relationship, he would regularly get drunk with his Army buddies. Everyone did. I didn't think anything of it. Until there were two instances where he became verbally abusive, punched a hole in our wall, and cornered me against a wall.
After he got out of the Army and was taken away from that environment, things got much better. However, he will still occasionally drink when I am not around. For instance, he is out of town for a job interview tomorrow morning. I called him and he was out at a bar by himself drunk. He was slurring his words, not making any sense, etc. I was scared out of my mind thinking of what could happen to him in a strange city by himself drunk. Last I talked to him, he is in his room sleeping it off. He is no longer answering the phone so I assume he is passed out. It is going to be a long night for me until I hear from him again.
The thing is, he will go for years without a drinking episode like this. When he does have one, he is remorseful and realizes this may be a problem. The problem is these episodes keep happening. Then we talk about it, decide things will change, but then slip back into the same pattern.
Is my hubby an alcoholic? Or just a problem drinker? Drinking changes his personality and I feel like he is a different person. However it does not affect our daily lives. He has a steady job, is a good father, etc. It's just these occasional drinking "episodes."
When he gets back, I want him to quit alcohol and get counseling. How do I do this? Is it even going to work? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for listening to this incredibly long post. I am sick with worry for him right now. And also for my son. If I thought he was in any danger, I would be gone. I know that might put him over the edge and that weighs on me as well
Thanks again.
I don't know where to begin except I am looking for help. My husband and I have been married for 8 years. We have a wonderful son together. For the most part, we are extremely happy. However, I feel my husband has a problem with alcohol. Before we met, he acquired a DUI and was arrested for public intoxication. His mother, father and sister have issues with alcohol/addiction. Earlier in our relationship, he would regularly get drunk with his Army buddies. Everyone did. I didn't think anything of it. Until there were two instances where he became verbally abusive, punched a hole in our wall, and cornered me against a wall.
After he got out of the Army and was taken away from that environment, things got much better. However, he will still occasionally drink when I am not around. For instance, he is out of town for a job interview tomorrow morning. I called him and he was out at a bar by himself drunk. He was slurring his words, not making any sense, etc. I was scared out of my mind thinking of what could happen to him in a strange city by himself drunk. Last I talked to him, he is in his room sleeping it off. He is no longer answering the phone so I assume he is passed out. It is going to be a long night for me until I hear from him again.
The thing is, he will go for years without a drinking episode like this. When he does have one, he is remorseful and realizes this may be a problem. The problem is these episodes keep happening. Then we talk about it, decide things will change, but then slip back into the same pattern.
Is my hubby an alcoholic? Or just a problem drinker? Drinking changes his personality and I feel like he is a different person. However it does not affect our daily lives. He has a steady job, is a good father, etc. It's just these occasional drinking "episodes."
When he gets back, I want him to quit alcohol and get counseling. How do I do this? Is it even going to work? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks for listening to this incredibly long post. I am sick with worry for him right now. And also for my son. If I thought he was in any danger, I would be gone. I know that might put him over the edge and that weighs on me as well
Thanks again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi,
Hard to say whether he is an alcoholic, or someone who just uses poor judgment and has a tendency to drink too much when he does drink. It's somewhat unusual for an alcoholic to go years between binges, and it sounds like he has one-day (or one-night) binges rather than ones that go on for days at a time.
BUT if the drinking is troubling YOU, it's a problem for you. I suggest you check out some Al-Anon meetings. You can certainly share with your husband your concern about his drinking, but it sounds as if he already knows you are concerned. Maybe he will agree to see a doctor (preferably one who is experienced in dealing with alcohol problems) for an evaluation.
Before you take further steps to try to force the issue, you should know that alcoholics generally don't stop drinking until they are ready to stop.
Hard to say whether he is an alcoholic, or someone who just uses poor judgment and has a tendency to drink too much when he does drink. It's somewhat unusual for an alcoholic to go years between binges, and it sounds like he has one-day (or one-night) binges rather than ones that go on for days at a time.
BUT if the drinking is troubling YOU, it's a problem for you. I suggest you check out some Al-Anon meetings. You can certainly share with your husband your concern about his drinking, but it sounds as if he already knows you are concerned. Maybe he will agree to see a doctor (preferably one who is experienced in dealing with alcohol problems) for an evaluation.
Before you take further steps to try to force the issue, you should know that alcoholics generally don't stop drinking until they are ready to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
Hi Confused - probably all of us here have been where you are at a certain point. People who are further along in their own recovery (from codependence) than I am will hopefully chime in, particularly those with children.
Meanwhile, I highly recommend reading the "stickies" at the top of the friends/family forum. They are super helpful.
In Alanon I learned this lesson:
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.
My AH's pattern of drinking was sobriety for a few weeks at a time, then a huge binge that had the same effect on him, sounds like, as yours (Jekyll Hyde). This worsened over our 15 year marriage.
For years I tried hard to control and cure my AH's drinking, from becoming a super sleuth (where are the hidden bottles!), drinking with him (I can make him pace himself!), attempting to set limits on his drinking, getting angry, making somewhat empty threats (I'll leave you if you keep this up; go to rehab or I'll leave), etc. etc. All that I succeeded in doing was to make myself crazy, sick, and not a nice person! I lost myself in the process and wasted a lot of energy trying to MAKE him get sober. It is a losing battle. Like trying to stop a freight train with a pinky toe. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - they might start out binge drinking, but eventually over the years, it will worsen into even more insanity.
One thing that stands out for me in your post is that he cornered you against the wall. That's not acceptable behavior - you wouldn't want your son to see this and think it is the norm, and I bet if it happened to a friend you would be concerned! Don't treat yourself any differently than you would a friend.
If you can get to one, go to an Alanon meeting. Try at least 3 meetings. Some of them have babysitting available, if that's an issue.
Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family
Meanwhile, I highly recommend reading the "stickies" at the top of the friends/family forum. They are super helpful.
In Alanon I learned this lesson:
I didn't cause it
I can't control it
I can't cure it.
My AH's pattern of drinking was sobriety for a few weeks at a time, then a huge binge that had the same effect on him, sounds like, as yours (Jekyll Hyde). This worsened over our 15 year marriage.
For years I tried hard to control and cure my AH's drinking, from becoming a super sleuth (where are the hidden bottles!), drinking with him (I can make him pace himself!), attempting to set limits on his drinking, getting angry, making somewhat empty threats (I'll leave you if you keep this up; go to rehab or I'll leave), etc. etc. All that I succeeded in doing was to make myself crazy, sick, and not a nice person! I lost myself in the process and wasted a lot of energy trying to MAKE him get sober. It is a losing battle. Like trying to stop a freight train with a pinky toe. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - they might start out binge drinking, but eventually over the years, it will worsen into even more insanity.
One thing that stands out for me in your post is that he cornered you against the wall. That's not acceptable behavior - you wouldn't want your son to see this and think it is the norm, and I bet if it happened to a friend you would be concerned! Don't treat yourself any differently than you would a friend.
If you can get to one, go to an Alanon meeting. Try at least 3 meetings. Some of them have babysitting available, if that's an issue.
Alcoholism and Its Effect on the Family
Last edited by amooseoncebitmysister; 01-21-2013 at 09:15 PM. Reason: ETA a link
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 3
Thank you very much for your repy, amooseoncebitmysister. The thought is always in my mind that his inability to manage his alcohol may rear its head in our relationship. You explained it perfectly as he is a Jeckyll Hyde. Such a sweet loving guy until he drinks. Then he lashes out at me for anything and nothing. Although these big episodes only happen maybe once a year, I recently caught him drinking during the middle of the day (during work time) and he openly drinks a few beers at home on a regular basis. I always get nervous because he has a hard time stopping and I never know when he will get drunk and be mean. It is unnerving. I'm trying to find a counselor that specializes in addiction so I can go or maybe see if DH would be willing to go. I feel nervous knowing this issue is lurking in our marriage all the time. But I also feel like I might be overreacting. Ugh, my gut is saying there is a problem and my gut is usually 99.999% right.
ETA, thank you for sharing your story.
ETA, thank you for sharing your story.
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