Asserting boundaries; feeling stuck
Climbing hills, flying down...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: By the Sea
Posts: 565
Asserting boundaries; feeling stuck
Long story short: Sister has been an alcoholic for the last 15+ years. Currently she moves between binge drinking and brief periods of sobriety; she is not in any recovery program at the moment. Over the past few years we've come to see that whether she's drinking or not, she's basically a selfish, manipulative, hurtful person and therefore my husband and I are keeping our relationship with her to a bare minimum; why have that negativity in our lives?
My mom recently passed away, and this is ASis's latest excuse to drink. My husband and I have extricated ourselves from her drinking and asserted our no contact boundaries. She pulls out all of the bitter and angry and hostile abusive behavior in response, but we do not acknowledge her behavior.
I'm getting stuck with asserting my boundaries to my dad and getting him to understand that we have these boundaries and we do not wish to have the same type of relationship with Asis that he does. Dad still sends her money, bails her out, and basically has the view that we should accept ASis's behavior and just deal with it so we can all spend time together as a family in the wake of my mom's passing. This isn't OK with me, but my boundaries seem to fall on deaf ears. He invites her along to family gatherings and has the attitude that if she's "semi-sober" or "hasn't had a drink today," all is hunky dory. I know I can't change him and how he deals with ASis. I accept that. I don't want ASis in my life. And my dad does not accept this. Advice on asserting my boundaries to my dad?
My mom recently passed away, and this is ASis's latest excuse to drink. My husband and I have extricated ourselves from her drinking and asserted our no contact boundaries. She pulls out all of the bitter and angry and hostile abusive behavior in response, but we do not acknowledge her behavior.
I'm getting stuck with asserting my boundaries to my dad and getting him to understand that we have these boundaries and we do not wish to have the same type of relationship with Asis that he does. Dad still sends her money, bails her out, and basically has the view that we should accept ASis's behavior and just deal with it so we can all spend time together as a family in the wake of my mom's passing. This isn't OK with me, but my boundaries seem to fall on deaf ears. He invites her along to family gatherings and has the attitude that if she's "semi-sober" or "hasn't had a drink today," all is hunky dory. I know I can't change him and how he deals with ASis. I accept that. I don't want ASis in my life. And my dad does not accept this. Advice on asserting my boundaries to my dad?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
They are your boundaries. Not your boundaries for your dad to enforce. See the difference?
Your boundaries are understandable: You will not spend time with your toxic sister.
If you have plans with your dad and your sister gets invited without your consent, then leave when you find yourself forced to be in her company.
If you keep leaving when she shows up, he may get the message that the only way he can spend time with you is without her present.
Your boundaries are understandable: You will not spend time with your toxic sister.
If you have plans with your dad and your sister gets invited without your consent, then leave when you find yourself forced to be in her company.
If you keep leaving when she shows up, he may get the message that the only way he can spend time with you is without her present.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Well said pelican... I'd have a conniption fit if someone tried to define my boundaries for me now that I've learned how.
I don't know that I'd feel differently than you do in your shoes but just a thought... You want dad to respect your boundaries.., he's an adult and you need to respect his too. Don't lose dad over his failure to see that he is making it worse. It's misguided but I know when I was enabling I meant well... I'd need someone to tie me down to keep me from bailing my DD out of jail or launching a prison break... But I am irrationally protective of her and it would be so hard to let her suffer the consequences.
You are doing the right thing. He means to...
Not my place to advise you on your dad but can share this.... I've had a hole in my heart since the day I lost my dad/hero/best friend 18 years ago. I remember how he smelled when I hugged his neck, how much I loved to come up with jokes to make him laugh... I'd spend the day with your sister, my ex, Ted Bundy and Satan himself if I got one more day back to spend with him.
Sorry you are stuck, it must be maddening to see him enable and make it worse.
I don't know that I'd feel differently than you do in your shoes but just a thought... You want dad to respect your boundaries.., he's an adult and you need to respect his too. Don't lose dad over his failure to see that he is making it worse. It's misguided but I know when I was enabling I meant well... I'd need someone to tie me down to keep me from bailing my DD out of jail or launching a prison break... But I am irrationally protective of her and it would be so hard to let her suffer the consequences.
You are doing the right thing. He means to...
Not my place to advise you on your dad but can share this.... I've had a hole in my heart since the day I lost my dad/hero/best friend 18 years ago. I remember how he smelled when I hugged his neck, how much I loved to come up with jokes to make him laugh... I'd spend the day with your sister, my ex, Ted Bundy and Satan himself if I got one more day back to spend with him.
Sorry you are stuck, it must be maddening to see him enable and make it worse.
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