A little humor is needed sometimes~!!
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
A little humor is needed sometimes~!!
So I've been in one lousy humor over the last couple of days and I decided to knock it off! To help myself and maybe one or two of the rest of us, I've decided to start a thread where we could tell a joke, share some good news, just take a break from codieville and life and work and stress for a few moments. Here goes:
Three ropes walk up to a fancy restaurant hoping for a nice meal, and when they arrive at the entrance they read a sign that says "No ropes allowed!". Determined to have great meal, the first rope puts on a pair of sunglasses to try to disguise himself, saunters into the place, and the host says "What's the matter with you, can't you read? It says 'No ropes allowed'. You'll have to leave." So the first rope leaves the restaurant completely crestfallen.
The second rope thinks he has a great idea. He takes the sunglasses from the first guy, puts on a hat and a tie, and heads into the restaurant. Again, the host spots him and says "Look, I already told your friend....'no ropes allowed!'" The second rope, equally crestfallen, leaves the restaurant and commiserates with his friends.
The third rope has been watching all of this and decides to try for himself. He starts to twist and contort and bend himself in all kinds of directions, then he unravels some of his fibers at one end and fluffs them out....once he finishes all this, he enters the restaurant. The host looks at him suspiciously and says "Hey! Aren't you a rope?!"
The third rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
The second rope thinks he has a great idea. He takes the sunglasses from the first guy, puts on a hat and a tie, and heads into the restaurant. Again, the host spots him and says "Look, I already told your friend....'no ropes allowed!'" The second rope, equally crestfallen, leaves the restaurant and commiserates with his friends.
The third rope has been watching all of this and decides to try for himself. He starts to twist and contort and bend himself in all kinds of directions, then he unravels some of his fibers at one end and fluffs them out....once he finishes all this, he enters the restaurant. The host looks at him suspiciously and says "Hey! Aren't you a rope?!"
The third rope answers "Nope, I'm a frayed knot!"
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
The Engineer and the Frog
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court.
"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f***ing Goofy."
"Mickey," the judge says, "I'm sorry. I can't grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. Minnie seems quite sane to me."
"I didn't say she was insane," exclaims Mickey. "I said she was f***ing Goofy."
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist is that the optimist believes we are living in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist is afraid he is right.
The difference between a codie and a pit bull is that the pit bull knows when to let go.
Your friend,
The difference between a codie and a pit bull is that the pit bull knows when to let go.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
A pirate walks into a restaurant with a ship's steering wheel in his pants. The waitress says, "Sir, I'm sorry if I'm stating the obvious, but you have a ship's wheel coming out of your pants." The pirate looks down and says, "ARGH! IT'S DRIVIN' ME NUTS."
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Two blondes were shopping, and upon arriving at the parking lot, one blonde who owned the mustang realizes she has locked her keys in the car. She was trying to pick the lock when she stopped to rest for a second.
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
P.S. I'm a blonde, no offense to my sister/brother blondes out there. ; )
When she sat down, her friend said, "Hurry up, it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
P.S. I'm a blonde, no offense to my sister/brother blondes out there. ; )
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
This is a true story.
My daughter is a blond and so was her best friend. Her friend had TGIF written on the back of her sneakers. When I asked her about it she told me they were instructions for blondes.
Toes Go In First.
I am a former blond. Blond hair in grade school, brown hair for a long time. Now it is all grey.
Your friend,
My daughter is a blond and so was her best friend. Her friend had TGIF written on the back of her sneakers. When I asked her about it she told me they were instructions for blondes.
Toes Go In First.
I am a former blond. Blond hair in grade school, brown hair for a long time. Now it is all grey.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Portlandia
Posts: 77
oldie but goodie: A Cat's Diary
FROM THE CAT'S DIARY...
DAY 752 -
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.
DAY 761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly
hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they
call "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement
was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue, I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait,
it is only a matter of time.......
DAY 752 -
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced
to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining
the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another
houseplant.
DAY 761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try
this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and
repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors
with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly
hours of the night.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of,
and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed
and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm.
Not working according to plan ......
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For
no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time
however it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo."
What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation
is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could
hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they
call "wine." More importantly I overheard that my confinement
was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and
how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than
happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other
hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful
tongue, I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current
placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait,
it is only a matter of time.......
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
How bout a recovery themed joke - no offense intended . . .
How do alcoholics screw in a light bulb ~
step on the ladder - hold up the light bulb ~ after all the world revolves around them anyway right?
How do Al-Anon's screw in a light bulb? ~ detach and let the light bulb screw it's self ~
How do alcoholics screw in a light bulb ~
step on the ladder - hold up the light bulb ~ after all the world revolves around them anyway right?
How do Al-Anon's screw in a light bulb? ~ detach and let the light bulb screw it's self ~
"a dictionary !"
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