Shadiesweden

Hi all..

I'm new here, and I have an experience I'd like to both share, and maybe get some advice or opinions on.

I'm in my early 40's and just over a year ago I met the man I thought was my one.

We moved in together, pretty fast.. Must have been about at the 3 month mark. We had ourselves convinced we were in our 40's, know what we wanted, and this was it.
Of course it was amazing at the start, I just kept falling more and more in love with him. Everything seemed perfect...

But somewhere along the line, I just started feeling, like I wasn't really getting to know him more.. He would always occupy himself with computer games in bed, instead of me.. we both work a lot, and hardly see each other.. So I always spoiled him rotten when we did hang out at home.. I cuddled, tickled, touched and kissed him all over.. But it was getting annoying his laptop was always on his stomach. Eventually I lashed out at that, and he started putting up more of a wall. It felt that whenever I asked for anything for ME; he would stonewall me, get cold, withdrawn, silent and mean..

As time went on, I kept noticing this mans computer, and cell phone was always locked, always on silent. He never let it out of his sight for a minute, always closed it as soon as he left it.. It made me wonder, and made me suspicious, as mine was always open... always.. Actually so open that one day, before his kids were coming for a visit, I prepared their room.. and decided to check the computer that was there for anything my teenage boys could have left on there that they should not see.

I then noticed I had an old dating site favorited I had completely forgotten about.. So I logged in and deleted that account immediately.

Bloody coincidentally enough he had gone on the next day and noticed I had been on that site the day before He was angry.. I explained the situation to him.. But he was mad for a long time.. I then noticed he put spyware on the PC, I suppose to check on me, but it was ok.. I really had nothing to hide, I let him have at it...

There was an incident before that also, that was a bit odd.. While we were dating at the start, I was having a former ex calling me and annoying me, I obviously shared this with my man and he flew through the roof..

He insisted that **** like that must be taken care of, and we should not have contact with any formers that have or show interest in us. And I agreed of course.
That was easy enough .. I wrote the guy who was bothering me with a very firm email, telling him to back off, I was happy. I let my man read this, so he could see I meant it and make him secure with me.

Anyways, back to the present... he always has his phone, and laptop locked etc.. sometimes I would walk in and I noticed he would quickly shut down pages.. if he had gotten a facebook message, he would never check and read it in front of me.. Suddenly I was getting strange feelings and suspicions..I even tested him out once.. He was on facebook, noticed the message.. Both of us, but he ignored it.. for at least 15 min as I sat next to him. I decided to go to the kitchen, come back and see what had happened. of course, it had been read, and he pretended as nothing.. But it just got me to mistrust him even more.

I confronted him with my concerns several time, trying to tell him I really don't like this kind of secrecy level.. That I really would like a more open relationship. As I never hide things from him, nor have any of my former partners ever concealed anything from me.. This was new territory in for me. Did not really feel like a relationship, did not feel like he shared anything with me.....and he would get angry, really angry, calling me mad, insane and clingy.. he said he would never do that **** to me, nor would he EVER lie to me.. Because he can't tell a lie, due to his former alcoholism. That it would be taking a step towards death for him...

Time passed and my feelings were getting worse about this, his reluctance and and his defensive attacks on me made me even more suspicious.. I do believe, if you have nothing to hide, why hide it!

Somehow, I had a nasty feeling.. and I did the unthinkable.. I found a way to bypass his login password on the computer and checked out his facebook.

What I saw there, was a message from his "former fling" asking -Have you moved yet xx

This made me just even more suspicious... he got really ANGRY at me for doing this, and said it was just all so innocent.. him and her have had no contact whatsoever, and she only sent that message probably to ask if he has moved to England yet and he told her 2 years ago he was planning to.

I guess,just out of the blue, it's a natural question to ask?

I don't know, I just knew he was lying... I then went to see his phone records.. and I saw excessive messaging between him and her for the past 6 months.... I didn't know it was her, but I called the numer and it was her... She then told me they were just friends, nothing else.. And he was just supporting her through a rough time... he said the same thing to me, but now he was even angrier at me for getting busted with a right out lie... We decided to forget about this and try again.. but I had this gnawing feeling I was not getting the whole truth... I found another secret email account, logged in, and saw naked pictured from her... This time I was devastated from all the lies.. He should have told me the whole story when we had all the cards on the table already..

Well, what I learned at this stage, was that he could obviously and easily lie to me.

So after I confronted him with this, yet again.. He now is so pissed at me, with all reason, I snooped and did the unthinkable, but ALL the signs were there.. But now he is just mean and angry at me, demeans me, says HE can't trust me, I am a psycho girlfriend..
But he is still with me, cold as ice though.. and I am clueless at what to do.. I feel he was more in the wrong then me, yet he makes me feel I have to fix ME.. actually he tells me I need to fix myself, I have issues, that I need to just trust him, that it's done and dusted.. But he won't show me any proof of this as I did for him.

I ****** up, only I need to repair this relationship according to him. cause right now,sure, loves me but isn't falling more in love with me, hardly likes me.. He tells me there is so much about me that just annoys him and irritates him.. and any time I want to talk, he just gets angry and annoyed..

Explain to me how to get over this, how do I get MY self esteem back.. How do I get over the hurt.. Right now, he can hardly admit to having any fault in this, it's all me..

Lost like hell here

shadiesweden

ZiggyB

IMO
He is getting defensive because he knows he has been busted doing something stupid and of course it's easier to deflect the blame onto you. I don't really think your relationship will survive this, it's probably time to think about moving on I'm sorry to say. You don't trust him and he doesn't appear to be particularly trustworthy, this is one issue among many that undermined my last relationship.

PohsFriend

We have a simple and easy solution around here... we share passwords and accout info and can find each other on gps phones any time. I don't check on my wife but I could. She can check on me but I made it clear in the beginning that if she does she should do it when I am not around as it makes me uneasy and I don't like anyone going through my stuff in front of me.

One catch - caveat emptor... when you snoop you may find things that are not 'wrong' but that you don't like and if you do, swallow it... not his problem.


The bigger question is do you want this? If transparency is a criteria you need then insist on it and move on if he won't agree. If he feels like your relationship is not to the point yet where he should share passwords and every conversation he has then talk about that. It is important where you two agree to draw that line but it's damned important to agree to draw it somewhere and then respect one another's boundaries. That's hard... toook us a while but it sure makes life better when you do.

ShootingStar1

Shadiesweden, you've written about a lot of stuff happening between you and your ABF that is difficult - and important - to unravel.

Let me share with you where I'm coming from. I'm in my early 60's, and I left my AH of 20 years on July 4th when my credit card fraud squad called me and questioned a $525 wire transfer on my card that it turned out my AH had made, wiring money to a prostitute he met on the internet. I left within the hour before he knew I was going with a suitcase and my dog. I filed for divorce within a week.

It had been building up for some time, both the pornography and his alcohol use, and his verbal and emotional abuse. He concealed his pornography addiction from me, and then he taunted me with it and used it to punish me for what he blamed me for doing to hurt him. It got worse and worse. He said that if I only would look at pornography, I would learn something and not be so XXXX - you name the insult, and he probably said it.

So I went on his cell phone and his computer to find out what I was really up against. I had bought him a new iPhone, and he handed it to me to fix something for him, and there were sex messages from a internet woman. I think I looked shocked, and he grabbed the phone back, and told me "You shouldn't have looked at that, that was an invasion of my privacy. Because what you found out was 'fruit of the poisoned tree', you cannot use it against me."

I do not feel the least bit guilty for what I did. It was HIS behavior that was beyond the unthinkable for a 20 year marriage. So, shortly after, I checked out his internet and found a huge stash of porn, of escalating relationships with women from looking at porn sites, to chatting on porn sites, to having an internet "sex" relationship with several specific women, to webcams, to sending over $1700 on MY credit card to a prostitute. And that's only what I know about.

I needed to know what my marriage had deteriorated into. I needed to know who my partner really was, and what he thought was acceptable to do and hide from me. HE was the one who violated our marriage vows. I had been telling him that marriage, to me, is between 2 people: in our case, one man, and one woman. Not one woman, one man, and any number of internet/cell phone/webcam "ladies".

Now, once I really knew what was going on, I didn't keep on looking. I knew what I needed to know to put the choice to him: just me or not me at all. Then, finding out that amount of money he had wired, on MY card and MY credit, was the last straw. He had already made his choice, and I was out of there.

President Reagan, during the dismantling of the Cold War with the Soviet Union, said "Trust, but verify". If it worked for the President, it was good enough for me.

The real question is harder: what do you want to do about this? Imagine, for a moment, that all that your ABF says is erased, not in your mind at all. Just sort out - maybe make a list - what his actual behavior has been, good and bad. Just the facts, not his interpretation of them.

That can be very revealing.

You aren't helpless at all, but it took me some real time to realize that, and this SoberRecovery Forum, along with a psychiatrist and lots and lots of reading, were instrumental in me getting as far as I have in my recovery. For me, it turned out that I had almost lost my self as I acquiesced to his version of "reality", as I subordinated myself to my AH's will, as I gave up more of my own independence, my own soul, bit by bit, month by month, year by year.

I so wish I had been able to see this years before. I almost left him the first year of our marriage, but a therapist said "oh, no, this is just step-family stuff" and I stayed. It wasn't. It was the beginning of a long slippery slide for me and my kids that I wish I hadn't taken. I should have thought for myself then, despite how besotted I was with love for him. And it wasn't all bad - sometimes it was just fabulous.

Your story may be different. I encourage you to start to try to see what is going on in this relationship without looking through his filter.

We're all here for you; this can be very complex, and for me, posting as much as I needed, and getting the wisdom and clarification from these good folks here on SR helped me get back to looking at what I wanted and what I needed.

Take care, hope to hear from you as much as you want and need,

ShootingStar1

PohsFriend

Awesome stuff ShootingStar.

....sorry the price of that wisdom was so high

janiebluebird

He had a naked picture from the ex who he is in constant contact with - it doesn't get more clear than that, don't fool yourself. Leave his *** and just focus on YOU. Go to the gym, read books, take care of yourself. You will find the healthy relationship you deserve. If you stay with him, however, you will not.

If I learned one thing from watching the Oprah Winfrey show, its always listen to your gut. She said something to the extent: First you get a whisper, then a tap, then a brick, then a brick wall.

ShootingStar1

Thanks so much, PohsFriend. I am still shaky enough in my recovery that it really helps to get some acknowledgement that I am on the right path.

It is interesting that, this time, around, what is being revealed to me is not just the disaster of this marriage, but how my behavior, (my willingness to give up my own voice when I was essentially told to be silent) was an echo of prior relationships. Now, it is like the whole set of past relationships that I've had that had dysfunctional parts to them is arrayed before me. I am seeing the connections, the patterns. I am seeing more clearly the "ME" thread that ties all of these together. And now, I have a choice to understand and really absorb what it is in me that let me acquiesce to my AH's abuse. And I am seeing when I did make healthy choices in other relationships, and the joy that it has brought to me.

It is very freeing, all the while it is terrifying, depressing, liberating... It has been a h%ll of a ride for these past 6 months. I want to be able to evaluate future relationships of all kinds, and be able to say "oops, been there, done that, never going to do it again".

Shadiesweden, I hope that, for you, since this is a short relationship comparatively, you'll be back on the road to where you really want to be in short order.

ShootingStar1

PohsFriend

Well you inspire me Star. I came here because of Pohs alcoholism but I'm mostly working on getting over the woman who preceded her. One that is very likely an alcoholic and who very definitely was very BAD for me after growing up with a very angry NPD and bipolar mom.

So many times here we see a story and the first thought is why did you stay? Well, probably the same as others. It was progressive.

Are you familiar with the 'Frog boiling effect'? If you toss a frog in boiling water he will jump out and get awayas fast as his scalded ass can jump.
But if you put him in cold water and put the heat on under a pot he will never notice it and will remain calm and relaxed until he boils.

Two points here...
1. We may be slow but we were jumpers...
2. It just occurred to me that whomever figured out the frog thing us one sick *******. Poor Kermit.

It's hard for me to admit to myself that I hung around so long with someone who made me feel so poorly about myself. It wasn't until she went after DD that I saw it and slammed the door. Fortunately, I am taking a hard look at the little kid who hid himself in the closet and his feelings and past from the world so brilliantly for so long... He's getting well and happy again

What doesn't killya ....

Sometime soon you are going to sit down in your studio and get back to your art. Having raised an artist whose emotions flow so powerfully into her work I can't wait to hear what comes out when you get back to that creative place :-). At least we ain't nobody's frog soup.