DefofLov

I have been drilling this concept of alone but not lonely into my head and heart for the past few weeks. Yesterday I stopped asked myself why I was doing it. Why is it that I have constantly drawn these serious walls and barriers against people. I give very few people a chance. Funny though, I always considered myself to be caring, kind, open, accepting of people...but, I still wont let them get close to me.

I am afraid of letting people in because I am afraid they will reject me, criticize me, hurt me, dissapoint me, but mostly reject me. Instead of giving them a chance to hurt me, they get no chances at all. I get confused at the part where, the few who I do let in still hurt me. They are the wrong type of people. They are needy, inconsiderate, and think I can just take all of their crap. I have had abusive friends and ex boyfriends.

Right now, I am working hard on figuring out what type of people I should let in and who should I build walls towards. It is a very confusing process.

I do believe that it is okay to be alone but not lonely, as long as you are not alone all the time...

tomato

Dear Def,

I know just how you feel. I am guilty of the same thing. I have rarely, in the past, let people into my world only to be hurt or ridiculed or even abandoned. And I felt they took that little peice of me with them, only to leave me to feel betrayed. So to this day, I have a hard time telling people how I feel or what is bothering me. I don't think I even know how to express it to begin with.

I guess when the time comes and we feel good about ourselves and can trust people, we will find the right people.

bookworm

Hey Defoflov,
It's a very confusing process, and a very difficult one. it takes time, too. And it's fine to be alone - you can get to know yourself better when you spend some time alone and figure out what values you want to live by. I've spent many months thinking about what and who I am (I'm doing some Step 4 work) and it's a useful exercise.

I think we all build some walls just because we need to protect ourselves but as you get to know yourself better, you become more and more aware of what you need to make your life good, and what you deserve to make your life happy and content. When you find the values that you're comfortable living by, you find confidence and begin to believe in yourself. That's when you can project yourself as you really are - once you're comfortable in your own skin, you'll start attracting the kind of people who will do you good.
HugZ
Sandra

JT

I know I attract users and in the past I have usually been in pretty deep before I get it. Then it is hard to get out of the relationship/friendship.

I am trying now to choose people who have what I want...a kind of ease and happiness about them.

I don't like having to be cautious but it is a fact of my life.

Hugs,
JT

DefofLov

thanx everyone.

today i feel both alone and lonely...itz an uphill battle...

~Def

Elaine2

I'm sorry you feel alone and lonely today. If you will read these replies, you will see you aren't alone. I'm in the same position you are, with the walls built up. I live with it, (pretty happily) as I have come to depend on myself for inner happiness and sometimes I sit quietly and say a prayer of thanks for all my blessings, large and small and that helps me. Try doing something nice for yourself today. Even a small thing. Just anything to bring a smile. A big hug for you!

DefofLov

Thanx Elaine...

I am busy today, luckily...I will be finishing up this difficult paper I have been working on. Ugh! Cant wait to be done with it...then I can deal with this loneliness thing..

~Def