fluffyflea

Is having your feelings stifled when you try to talk to them with someone a form of abuse and control? Is over talking you changing the conversation telling you there is nothing to talk about hanging up on you and then not returning your phone messages a form of abuse and control?

redatlanta

Abusive - hmmmm. I would have to say no.

Controlling, yes. Without a doubt. Also maddening, frustrating, rude, hurtful, disrespectful, demeaning, gee the list could go on forever.

I just wouldn't talk to this person anymore - not worth the anguish.

Katiekate

Yes, absolutely. You are also experiencing the silent treatmemt.

When your feelings are stifled it is a form of abuse. Control is also a form of abuse.

Its emotional abuse.

fluffyflea

I,m just bawling my eyes out.

mfanch

Nm

Katiekate

:ghug3

LifeRecovery

Earthworm-

I am starting to realize something, and I am not sure if it applies to this situation or not.

I am starting to realize that I don't stink at communication as much as I thought. I also am not all the problems in a relationship.

What I do struggle with is choosing the right people to have those conversations with and to get my needs met.

In the last week I have finally started to decide before I talk about something hard to look who I am trying to bring the issue to.

I have gotten much better responses when I bring them to appropriate individuals. It does not make all the problems go away or even perfect, but I do feel heard, cared for and loved.

I can't comment on the abuse part of your question, but I do want to ask if that is what he/she does with it is he/she the correct person to be having that conversation with?

fluffyflea

No liferecovery obviously not the correct person.

LoveMeNow

Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Posted 11-15-2011 at 11:39 PM by cynical one
Updated 11-16-2011 at 10:38 PM by cynical one
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Signs of Verbal and Emotional Abuse
Dr. Irene Matiatos with a former Client who's been there, done that

Do you wonder if your relationship may be abusive? Ask yourself the questions below.
If you answer 'yes' to more than a few, you may want to take a closer look:

Does your partner:
· ignore your feelings?
· disrespect you?
· ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
· ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
· withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
· give you the silent treatment?
· walk away without answering you?
· criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
· humiliate you privately or in public?
· roll his or her eyes when you talk?
· give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
· make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
· seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
· tell you you are too sensitive?
· hurt you especially when you are down?
· seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
· have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
· present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
· "twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
· try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
· complain about how badly you treat him or her?
· threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?
· say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
· ever left you stranded?
· ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
· ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
· seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
· abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
· compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
· promise to never do something hurtful again?
· harass you about imagined affairs?
· manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
· destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
· drive like a road-rage junkie?
· act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
· question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
· interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
· make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
· use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
· incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
· try to convince you he or she is "right," while you are "wrong?"
· frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
· treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

· You express your opinions less and less freely.
· You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
· You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
· You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
· You feel emotionally unsafe.
· You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
· You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
· You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
· You doubt your own judgment.
· You doubt your abilities.
· You feel vulnerable and insecure.
· You are becoming increasingly depressed.
· You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
· You have been or are afraid of your partner.
· Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

If you feel your relationship may be verbally and emotionally abusive, talk to people you trust. Talk to clergy, call your local battered women's shelter, educate yourself, seek professional help. Do not allow verbal and emotional abuse to escalate to battery!

LexieCat

It doesn't sound like either abuse or control to me, it sounds like someone is unwilling to have a conversation that you desperately want to have. Maybe not handling it kindly or gracefully, but refusing to discuss something is neither abusive nor controlling.

As LR suggested, there are some people we cannot discuss certain things with and have our needs met. Don't waste your time, breath, and emotional energy trying to force them to. That's YOU trying to control THEM.

Sorry you are feeling so hurt, and I hope you can keep talking to people who WILL listen and support you--like us here.

Redheadsusie

I would say it is just a sign to re evaluate your relationship with that person. I am so sorry you are dealing with this - maybe there is someone else you can talk to this situtation about ? You have plenty of people here who understand who will listen all you want and I am one of them. Hugs..............

LoveMeNow

Earthworm, Cynical One has a great blog that has a lot of information on emotional and verbal abuse. There seems to be conflicting posts here, based on opinions, which can get confusing. Perhaps reading the signs of emotional and verbal abuse by a trained professional will help you fin your answers.

I am sorry for your pain. You deserve to be treated with respect and to have your feelings heard and validated.

LoveMeNow

Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know
Posted 04-01-2012 at 12:26 AM by cynical one
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Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know
~By Annie Kaszina

1. Sticks and stones won’t break my bones” – and words won’t leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. Never underestimate the power of words: words are used to brainwash.

Being told you are "stupid", "crazy", "ugly", "lazy" or "worthless" is never acceptable. The first times you hear it, it will hurt, naturally. In time you “may get used to” hearing it from a partner. That’s when you start to internalize and believe it. When that happens you are doing the other person’s work of putting you down for them. This is why your feelings of self-worth suffer increasingly over time.

The good news is that just as words have been used to bring you down, you can learn to harness the power of words to build you up and restore your confidence and belief in yourself.

2. You are always told that it’s your fault. Somehow, whatever happens, however it starts, the ultimate blame is always yours. Notice that we are talking ultimate blame here. The blaming partner will always tell you that their behaviour was caused by what you said or did. In fact, their argument runs along the lines that you can’t possibly blame them for anything, because if you hadn’t said what you said, or done what you did it would never have happened.

3. You’re more inclined to believe your partner than you are to believe yourself. Have you ever reeled with a sense of hurt and injustice, or seethed with anger at the way you’ve been treated? Have you found yourself asking: “Is it reasonable to feel like this?” “Am I misinterpreting things?” “Have I got it wrong?”

If this is you, what it means is that you have become so brainwashed you’ve stopped trusting in your own judgment. Your mind keeps throwing up the observations and questions because, deep down, you know that what is happening is utterly wrong. But right now you can’t feel the strength of your own convictions.

4. You need your partner to acknowledge your feelings. Have you ever felt desperate to make your partner hear what you are saying and apologize for the hurtful things they’ve said? Have you ever felt that only they can heal the pain they’ve caused?

Does your need for them to validate your feelings keep you hooked into the relationship?

When a partner constantly denies or refuses to listen to your feelings, that is, unquestionably, mental abuse.5.

Your partner blows hot and cold. He can be very loving but is often highly critical of you. He may tell you how much he loves you, yet he is short on care or consideration towards you. In fact, some of the time, maybe even a lot of the time, he treats you as if you were someone he truly dislikes.

You do everything you can to make him happy, but it’s never good enough. You’re more like the pet dog in the relationship than you are the equal partner. Your constant efforts to get his attention and please him meet with limited success. Sometimes he’ll be charmed, often he’s dismissive.

If you find yourself puzzling about how your partner can treat you that way, it is because you are trying to live in a love-based relationship, when in reality you are living in a control-based relationship. The mental abuser struggles with his own feelings of worthlessness and uses his relationship to create a feeling of personal power, at his partner’s expense.

6. You feel as if you are constantly walking on eggshells. There is a real degree of fear in the relationship. You have come to dread his outbursts, the hurtful things that he will find to say to you. (Maybe the same anxiety and need to please spill over into your other relationships also.)

Fear is not part of a loving relationship, but it is a vital part of a mentally abusive relationship. It enables the abuser to maintain control over you.

7. You can heal. Mentally abusive relationships cause enormous emotional damage to the loving partner who tries, against all odds, to hold the relationship together and, ultimately, can’t do it, because her partner is working against her.

Whether you are currently in a mentally abusive relationship, have left one recently, or years later are still struggling with the anxieties and low self-worth and lack of confidence caused by mental abuse, it is never too late to heal.

But you do need to work with a person or a program specifically geared to mental abuse recovery.

Women who have suffered mental abuse expect radical change of themselves, and they expect it right away. This is why they often struggle and, not uncommonly, take up with another abusive partner.

Mental abuse recovery is a gradual process. Low self-worth and limiting beliefs about what kind of future the abuse sufferer can ever hope for are the blocks that can stop women from moving on. But they are blocks that you can clear very effectively.

Just as language was once used to harm you, you can now learn how language can heal you. You can overcome past mental abuse and keep yourself safe from it in the future. You can also learn to feel strong, believe in yourself and create the life and the relationships you truly want.

choublak

It's their way of communicating that they don't want to talk to you. They've communicated it; why keep trying?

Katiekate

It's abuse, believe me, I lived it, the damage it did to me has taken a very long time to come to terms with.

I am suprised that so many seem to feel that this is just a personality flaw of a single individual.

Earthworm, I know how you feel, it's an undercurrent, but it cuts through everything you believe in and has you questioning yourself constantly.

Included in what you are experiencing in blame shifting, gaslighting, denial, and on and on and on.

LoveMeNot posted a very good reference for you, I am sure you will find his behavior very prevalent in that post.

I'm sorry folks, but being in a relationship with and alcoholic (someone with an incurable disease of the mind and body) is without a doubt putting yourself in the line of fire for abuse, alcoholics abuse, emotional , mentally, spiritually , and often times phsysically. I'm not sure how anyone sees this a debatable fact.

Earthworm, we are here, we care. Love to you Katie

noanxtime

In short, it may be a form of self-abuse to put up with this person and their antics.
I know it's very hard, stop leaving them messages, talking to them or expecting anything positive to come when and if they do.

LoveMeNow

Thank you Katie, I absolutely agree.

While every "opinion" is welcomed on SR, I too am suprised by many of the replies. I realize we all need to understand the concept of caveat emptor but more and more, I am finding some "opinions" to be more dangerous then helpful.

Tuffgirl

And that's why we have the ignore feature here - if someone's opinions bother us, we can choose to block that person from seeing their posts and threads.

This is a touchy subject that can be very subjective in certain situations. If its a regular occurring way of dealing with conflict, and done so with malice, it can be viewed as emotional abuse. But if you simply caught someone having a bad day and they react this way, it may simply be overwhelming and not the right time to try to express your feelings.

Earthworm, I am sorry you were rebuked. It does hurt like hell; I won't deny that. And I do agree that trying to express yourself to someone who isn't interested in a recipe for our own craziness. I found that journaling really helped in moments like this.

Hugs,
~T

LexieCat

I deal with abuse and control issues professionally, and I was responding to what I perceived as a question about whether those acts, in themselves, constituted abusive or controlling behavior. In and of themselves, I don't believe they do. I've had those kinds of frustrating non-conversations with people who were simply difficult or fed up with a particular subject.

BUT, when one is in a controlling and abusive RELATIONSHIP, the abuser/controller certainly isn't likely to listen respectfully to what you have to say. So that kind of behavior is what you would expect from such a person. And, in that context, it's one more way you can be belittled.

I'm certainly not dismissing how hurtful it was.

ZiggyB

Earthworm,
I am not sure... if it was an isolated incident I would wonder if the person is just having a bad day or is this part of an overall pattern you have experienced?

Anyway you should be able to talk to the person you're in a relationship with about what is bothering you. If they can't even do that is likely they don't care or are emotionally unavailable. :-/