Problem Accepting
Problem Accepting
I have a major problem with acceptance, especially in becoming aware of family dynamics and different betrayals. I can "forgive" each person, individually, but what's happened to the family is so traumatic to me that I am having a hard time accepting it.
I did not have the family I would have liked while growing up, but I am grateful for many aspects of my childhood.
In the family I created, I am saddened and astounded at the lack of loyalty and respect, over all. When I look at individuals, I can understand to some degree, but I can't seem to resolve the end result.
I also feel that I have been judged too harshly - and there is nothing I can do about that.
I became the scapegoat in my family and it has been very painful.
Anyway, I had a dream about this last night and it is a real struggle. I can't think of anything that would make me "accept" not having a family of loving people - it was my heart's desire to have that and I can't seen to get over that I don't have that, and in fact, have the opposite of that - people who don't mind hurting and have no respect for some family relationships.
From a metaphysical perspective, I can't understand why I would have incarnated with "these people." They don't feel like soul family, with the exception of my grandson, whom I also have a problematic relationship with.
I did not have the family I would have liked while growing up, but I am grateful for many aspects of my childhood.
In the family I created, I am saddened and astounded at the lack of loyalty and respect, over all. When I look at individuals, I can understand to some degree, but I can't seem to resolve the end result.
I also feel that I have been judged too harshly - and there is nothing I can do about that.
I became the scapegoat in my family and it has been very painful.
Anyway, I had a dream about this last night and it is a real struggle. I can't think of anything that would make me "accept" not having a family of loving people - it was my heart's desire to have that and I can't seen to get over that I don't have that, and in fact, have the opposite of that - people who don't mind hurting and have no respect for some family relationships.
From a metaphysical perspective, I can't understand why I would have incarnated with "these people." They don't feel like soul family, with the exception of my grandson, whom I also have a problematic relationship with.
Seek, from a reincarnation perspective you are here in these circumstances because you have a lesson you need to learn. Not that I buy into reincarnation btw.
For me a good quote that helped me.
Acceptance is giving up the hope that you can have a happier past.
Your friend,
For me a good quote that helped me.
Acceptance is giving up the hope that you can have a happier past.
Your friend,
Agreed. I don't believe in reincarnation either (nor do I disbelieve it, but the thought makes me more tired than I feel already), but I do think sometimes the people around you are there for a reason. And it isn't always just to make you feel good--sometimes they are there because there is something you need to learn or work through, and they are the tools by which this happens.
I've learned a lot from dealing with the difficult people in my life. My family is far from hostile to me, but we've never been terribly close, either. Scandanavian thing, I suspect. I sometimes wish my family was warmer, but OTOH, we don't get in each others' space and business, which can be a problem in itself.
My family of origin isn't a problem, but boy, have I had challenges in some of my other relationships. I'm glad I'm not in them anymore, but I can't say I totally regret them, either. I suppose I could have been in a happier place during those times, with people who treated me as I deserve to be treated, but there were things I needed to learn, apparently.
Acceptance has been the greatest single tool I have in this life for being happy. Wishing, resenting, deluding myself about reality--none of those did one bit of good. Once I ACCEPT the reality, THEN I can move forward and make good choices for myself. It takes a huge burden of negative emotions off my shoulders.
I've learned a lot from dealing with the difficult people in my life. My family is far from hostile to me, but we've never been terribly close, either. Scandanavian thing, I suspect. I sometimes wish my family was warmer, but OTOH, we don't get in each others' space and business, which can be a problem in itself.
My family of origin isn't a problem, but boy, have I had challenges in some of my other relationships. I'm glad I'm not in them anymore, but I can't say I totally regret them, either. I suppose I could have been in a happier place during those times, with people who treated me as I deserve to be treated, but there were things I needed to learn, apparently.
Acceptance has been the greatest single tool I have in this life for being happy. Wishing, resenting, deluding myself about reality--none of those did one bit of good. Once I ACCEPT the reality, THEN I can move forward and make good choices for myself. It takes a huge burden of negative emotions off my shoulders.
You don't have to sell me on acceptance. I would like to be there, but I just can't
seem to get over not having a good family.
I DO believe in reincarnation and I also believe the theory of learning lessons, however, the pain that was caused has not resulted in good - it has not opened my heart - it has caused me to be more guarded. Before, I was very naive and I thought I could TRUST people in my family - It never occurred to me that I should be wary of people in my family - I have LEARNED that my family members are untrustworthy - ok - so I LEARNED that. What GOOD did that do me? NOTHING . . .
I have learned a lot of things but that doesn't mean I am better or stronger for it - I am actually worse off and weaker for it . . .and that's the truth.
I sure sounds good, though to say, "It's all to make you a better person."
BALDERDASH
seem to get over not having a good family.
I DO believe in reincarnation and I also believe the theory of learning lessons, however, the pain that was caused has not resulted in good - it has not opened my heart - it has caused me to be more guarded. Before, I was very naive and I thought I could TRUST people in my family - It never occurred to me that I should be wary of people in my family - I have LEARNED that my family members are untrustworthy - ok - so I LEARNED that. What GOOD did that do me? NOTHING . . .
I have learned a lot of things but that doesn't mean I am better or stronger for it - I am actually worse off and weaker for it . . .and that's the truth.
I sure sounds good, though to say, "It's all to make you a better person."
BALDERDASH
OK, so you aren't there yet--why give up hope that you may get there?
Acceptance doesn't come naturally to most people, I don't think. It's something that has to be practiced.
People are who/what they are. It's our REACTION to them that causes us suffering. Obviously a physical assault causes harm to us regardless of how we think about it. But short of that, our attitudes can make a big difference in how much it hurts us. Isn't it feeling like things "should" be a certain way that causes you to feel bad when they aren't? And angry, and hurt, and resentful?
I get just as ticked off as most anyone when I am treated rudely or disrespectfully. But it doesn't usually stay with me very long because I try to focus on my reaction rather than what they did. My staying mad about it and getting myself worked up about how unfair it is doesn't change them, and it just makes me feel worse. How does that help ME? Or change anything?
I certainly don't do it perfectly, but since I've been working on it I find myself a lot calmer and less sensitive and fearful about being hurt.
Acceptance doesn't come naturally to most people, I don't think. It's something that has to be practiced.
People are who/what they are. It's our REACTION to them that causes us suffering. Obviously a physical assault causes harm to us regardless of how we think about it. But short of that, our attitudes can make a big difference in how much it hurts us. Isn't it feeling like things "should" be a certain way that causes you to feel bad when they aren't? And angry, and hurt, and resentful?
I get just as ticked off as most anyone when I am treated rudely or disrespectfully. But it doesn't usually stay with me very long because I try to focus on my reaction rather than what they did. My staying mad about it and getting myself worked up about how unfair it is doesn't change them, and it just makes me feel worse. How does that help ME? Or change anything?
I certainly don't do it perfectly, but since I've been working on it I find myself a lot calmer and less sensitive and fearful about being hurt.
When it messes with your survival, I think it becomes more than theory . . . my needs for community are not being met, specifically because my family betrayed me. I can accept their individual reasons for doing so - and I forgive them - but the result is I have no family - so no fun family interactions, no support, etc. I am missing human contact because of this - so it is not just abstract theory.
The people I nurtured and cared for turned their backs on me (for their own survival reasons, no doubt) and now I don't have them in my life and I would have wanted them in my life. So it's a loss - and you can't replace family members.
I became their scapegoat - I "get" the purpose I served - I understand, and yet, I can't accept not having a family. It is very basic.
I mean I do cope with it every day - and I do the best I can - but I will never be "ok" with it, because it is not ok - the value of a family is too great for me - for it to be ok, I would have to not think a family has any practical value, when obviously it does.
The people I nurtured and cared for turned their backs on me (for their own survival reasons, no doubt) and now I don't have them in my life and I would have wanted them in my life. So it's a loss - and you can't replace family members.
I became their scapegoat - I "get" the purpose I served - I understand, and yet, I can't accept not having a family. It is very basic.
I mean I do cope with it every day - and I do the best I can - but I will never be "ok" with it, because it is not ok - the value of a family is too great for me - for it to be ok, I would have to not think a family has any practical value, when obviously it does.
What do you think people who never had a family do? You can create a family of friends. Families are not the only source of community and support in the world. Which is a good thing, considering how many families are just like yours--fractured.
Al-Anon is a source of community and support. So are churches and other community organizations. Find a women's support group or get involved in volunteer work. All of those are ways of finding people who share your vision and can be sources of support.
You don't have to be happy about not having your own family in your life, but it is possible to accept it as a reality and to go about having your needs met in other ways.
Al-Anon is a source of community and support. So are churches and other community organizations. Find a women's support group or get involved in volunteer work. All of those are ways of finding people who share your vision and can be sources of support.
You don't have to be happy about not having your own family in your life, but it is possible to accept it as a reality and to go about having your needs met in other ways.
I realize you are well meaning, but it comes off to me as "minimizing" what a loss this is . . .and you say I can go out and gather people up and create another family - as if that were simple. I have heard of people doing this but it's a little impractical. If you have a hard time making even one true friend, how likely is it going to be that you can "create" a family with the snap of the fingers?
I don't need suggestions, re: church, volunteer, etc. I am not a church person - I detest Alanon - I do volunteer once-in-awhile - I have lots of interests - I am introverted, so I am not going to go out there and be the life of the party and people are not going to be knocking at my door, either.
And I will make more friends - I always do - but I don't have any "true/blue" friends - the type you COULD call in the middle of the night if need be or if you were sick - I don't have any people who "love" me. I don't know why. I feel I am lovable, but this belief is not supported in the real world.
But thanks for trying.
I will just continue trying to cope with "Plan Z."
I don't need suggestions, re: church, volunteer, etc. I am not a church person - I detest Alanon - I do volunteer once-in-awhile - I have lots of interests - I am introverted, so I am not going to go out there and be the life of the party and people are not going to be knocking at my door, either.
And I will make more friends - I always do - but I don't have any "true/blue" friends - the type you COULD call in the middle of the night if need be or if you were sick - I don't have any people who "love" me. I don't know why. I feel I am lovable, but this belief is not supported in the real world.
But thanks for trying.
I will just continue trying to cope with "Plan Z."
Good Morning Seek.
I could be wrong but I am feeling that there is more to this than acceptance. What I am getting from this is that you are looking for understanding. Your family hurt you, it is something that is beyond your ken and you want to know why. I totally understand that feeling, been there with my AW.
How the hell could she hurt me that bad and not even seem to care. It was a suck place for me to be.
I started to move away from that place when I got serious with a couple of Buddhist practices. The first was Zen style seated meditation. I simply sit on my cushion and watch my breathing. With every breath I think in on the in breath and out on the out breath.
If thoughts or emotions pop up, which is normal, I just bring my focus back to my breathing. This practice has really allowed me to center myself and put some balance into my life. Thank you sensi Lexie
The other is from Pure Land Buddhism which is to say the nembutsu in my head during the day. The nembutsu is Namu Amida Buddha. In particular when I find myself attaching to my thoughts or emotions and I am getting onto or already running on the hamster wheel in my head. This is my brake and let's me treat all thoughts and emotions at the same level even though the emotional attachment to the thought is much higher.
Both of these practices give me some space to choose how to respond rather than just letting my monkey-mind react and start flinging emotional poo all over the inside of my head.
A Buddhist saying that I think applies here is,
If you understand, things are just as the are.
It you don't understand, things are just as they are.
I hope this make sense to you.
Your friend,
I could be wrong but I am feeling that there is more to this than acceptance. What I am getting from this is that you are looking for understanding. Your family hurt you, it is something that is beyond your ken and you want to know why. I totally understand that feeling, been there with my AW.
How the hell could she hurt me that bad and not even seem to care. It was a suck place for me to be.
I started to move away from that place when I got serious with a couple of Buddhist practices. The first was Zen style seated meditation. I simply sit on my cushion and watch my breathing. With every breath I think in on the in breath and out on the out breath.
If thoughts or emotions pop up, which is normal, I just bring my focus back to my breathing. This practice has really allowed me to center myself and put some balance into my life. Thank you sensi Lexie
The other is from Pure Land Buddhism which is to say the nembutsu in my head during the day. The nembutsu is Namu Amida Buddha. In particular when I find myself attaching to my thoughts or emotions and I am getting onto or already running on the hamster wheel in my head. This is my brake and let's me treat all thoughts and emotions at the same level even though the emotional attachment to the thought is much higher.
Both of these practices give me some space to choose how to respond rather than just letting my monkey-mind react and start flinging emotional poo all over the inside of my head.
A Buddhist saying that I think applies here is,
If you understand, things are just as the are.
It you don't understand, things are just as they are.
I hope this make sense to you.
Your friend,
box of chocolates
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,013
Hey seek
It seems you know the answer to your problem.
Finding beauty in the mist of chaos.
I did not grow up in a cookie cutter nice perfect home.
Still to this day there are alot of things past and present that weigh on me
And I too was the scapegoat or the black sheep or however youde say it.
My family then and now is chaos and though I have good memories there are bad.
I choose to see the glass half full and not empty.
I have had ins and outs with my family ......with myself and with my ah and the dynamics
Around everything but as much as there had been or is. I know that no family is perfect and I choose to
Let myself be happy about who I am and who they are....struggling with it is ok
But know that your thoughts and feelings matter. So treat them with a positive outlook.
I hope that makes sense and helps
It seems you know the answer to your problem.
Finding beauty in the mist of chaos.
I did not grow up in a cookie cutter nice perfect home.
Still to this day there are alot of things past and present that weigh on me
And I too was the scapegoat or the black sheep or however youde say it.
My family then and now is chaos and though I have good memories there are bad.
I choose to see the glass half full and not empty.
I have had ins and outs with my family ......with myself and with my ah and the dynamics
Around everything but as much as there had been or is. I know that no family is perfect and I choose to
Let myself be happy about who I am and who they are....struggling with it is ok
But know that your thoughts and feelings matter. So treat them with a positive outlook.
I hope that makes sense and helps
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Miles from Nowhere
Posts: 396
"Everyone's family is disfunctional in one way or another "
True, no family is perfect.
But some are a heck of a lot more dysfunctional than others.
It's like a continuum.
True, no family is perfect.
But some are a heck of a lot more dysfunctional than others.
It's like a continuum.
Last edited by kudzujean; 01-19-2013 at 05:14 AM. Reason: add quote
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 47
"detest AlaNon"??
Wow. Ok. Whatever works I guess, my experience has been accepting help one on one with other survivors of HELL, like me, taught me it was safe to be honest and open, about anything I think or feel. Forums are great and helpful but for me do not replace the personal contact my recover thrives on.
I'm sorry you felt I was minimizing the pain, I wasn't trying to do that.
I do know from my own experience, though, and that of others, that it is possible to move past the pain. I have not had that particular source of pain that you do, but I have had others.
I wish you could open yourself to the possibility. Nobody can do that for you.
I do know from my own experience, though, and that of others, that it is possible to move past the pain. I have not had that particular source of pain that you do, but I have had others.
I wish you could open yourself to the possibility. Nobody can do that for you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
It's a process that takes time; after seeing that it is what it is and surrendering to that reality (letting go of resistance and giving up putting energy into wishing it were different than it is); time is needed for grieving the loss of the dream/feeling how bad it feels/mourning.
If one is open, willing, and teachable, the feelings will flow through like clouds passing in the sky, the sun peeks through again and begins to illuminate the good. Clouds may come and go until we process enough of the feelings and thoughts, that we move forward and can leave the storm behind.
I could not do it without outside support over extended time. In my case, I found a healthy, experienced Al-Anon group close by that surrounded me with unconditional love and complete acceptance where I was; I chose a good sponsor, began seriously using the tools of the program (based on solid human psychology found in many wise walks of life, a truly spiritual walk that fills the empty well with strength and encouragement and practical tools for dealing with daily life/challenges). It has saved my life.
I've chosen to stay and work it out with my AH of many years. Even though he isn't in any support program of his own, I've found my own serenity and peace regardless of whatever chaos he's in. It's taken a great deal of work and slogging through a lot of pain on my part; counseling/therapists, workshops on codependence/communication skills/book studies/self-esteem/spirituality/relationships/self-development.
Even though my spouse remains largely in denial, with the help of others I've been able to grow and change in my own development, reach clarity and set strong boundaries, learn how to effectively be true to my own values and nurture myself, have quality of life. My husband, despite himself, has responded to the changes in me and ended up maturing in some important ways of his own.
I had to focus on myself, not him. I had to discover my own strengths and areas that needed work and leave him to his own crap. Without expectation of him changing, I found my support outside of my home and changed myself; it took inner re-parenting and challenging old beliefs, self-education about what's really true and what to let go. All the work has been worth it. I was only able to do it because of Al-Anon (I don't let the God-talk get in the way because it's just symbolic language/semantics of something that's universal to humankind and common to all of us). My addiction isn't alcohol; it's other things, and the principles apply just the same.
This is getting way longer than I intended. I hope some of it may be encouraging to you. I wish you all the best in your journey. Never give up...
If one is open, willing, and teachable, the feelings will flow through like clouds passing in the sky, the sun peeks through again and begins to illuminate the good. Clouds may come and go until we process enough of the feelings and thoughts, that we move forward and can leave the storm behind.
I could not do it without outside support over extended time. In my case, I found a healthy, experienced Al-Anon group close by that surrounded me with unconditional love and complete acceptance where I was; I chose a good sponsor, began seriously using the tools of the program (based on solid human psychology found in many wise walks of life, a truly spiritual walk that fills the empty well with strength and encouragement and practical tools for dealing with daily life/challenges). It has saved my life.
I've chosen to stay and work it out with my AH of many years. Even though he isn't in any support program of his own, I've found my own serenity and peace regardless of whatever chaos he's in. It's taken a great deal of work and slogging through a lot of pain on my part; counseling/therapists, workshops on codependence/communication skills/book studies/self-esteem/spirituality/relationships/self-development.
Even though my spouse remains largely in denial, with the help of others I've been able to grow and change in my own development, reach clarity and set strong boundaries, learn how to effectively be true to my own values and nurture myself, have quality of life. My husband, despite himself, has responded to the changes in me and ended up maturing in some important ways of his own.
I had to focus on myself, not him. I had to discover my own strengths and areas that needed work and leave him to his own crap. Without expectation of him changing, I found my support outside of my home and changed myself; it took inner re-parenting and challenging old beliefs, self-education about what's really true and what to let go. All the work has been worth it. I was only able to do it because of Al-Anon (I don't let the God-talk get in the way because it's just symbolic language/semantics of something that's universal to humankind and common to all of us). My addiction isn't alcohol; it's other things, and the principles apply just the same.
This is getting way longer than I intended. I hope some of it may be encouraging to you. I wish you all the best in your journey. Never give up...
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