amooseoncebitmysister

My very wise grandfather used to say "Sarcasm is the sign of a weak person." Audrey is right on.

Obviously, there are different kinds of sarcasm; some if it is hilarious amongst friends. However, the belittling kind - THAT is the wretched kind.

I like the "did that make you feel like a bigger person" response...IME not all the people who deploy the belittling kind of sarcasm realize why they're doing it. It gives them pause in the future.

lizatola

I should have used that with my alcoholic father. I think it's one of the reasons why I take everything so personally. My sister and I were always the object of my dad's jokes. He was very inappropriate and made sexual comments about me or told sexual jokes at the dinner table in front of my little sister. He honestly had no class and his favorite thing was belittling me or minimizing my pain or illness or emotions.

My AH knows this about me and blames my father for the fact that he can't joke with me anymore. Sigh.....it's just a typical alcoholic cycle: like father, like son in law.

LoveMeNow

Sounds more like daughter married a man just like her father scenario. 50% of ACOA either become one or marry one. Sadly, our children's "norm" become very skewed and dysfunction is normal to them.

lizatola

I know, it's sad, but there are life lessons to be learned here and I'm glad that I'm finally learning them now. Better late than never, right?

And, yes, both my sister and I married men a lot like our father. My sister's husband is a sex addict and she just let him move back in after he lived with his girlfriend for 9 months. My sister took pity on him because he lost his job, his car blew up, and he had nowhere to go. UGH!

LaTeeDa

When I was in the process of divorcing my husband, I was talking on the phone to my mom and venting a bit about him being irresponsible and me doing all the hard work of raising children. She said "he sounds just like your dad." Ya think!?

L

mely86

lettinggoagain i had the same experience with my ex addict. how can i forgive him for all the mean words..i know that it is like a disease but i cannot forgive him. my life teaches me to be responsible for my actions. who forgives me for my mistakes? sometimes I wish him to go through the same...but then he pays every day,everytime he gets a line...

tjp613

The comedienne Ellen Degeneres has this to say about someone who says something demeaning and then follows up with, "Oh, I was just kidding!" Ellen responds by saying, "Well, if it was really funny then we'd BOTH be laughing!"

Lotsa truth in that, eh?

Florence

I think sarcasm can be funny if in the right company and used wisely, but in an interpersonal relationship it's more often than not a passive aggressive tactic that can be blamed later on "just joking, why are you so sensitive?"

I noticed that my AH, who goes right to sarcasm when he's angry, always hated it when I flipped the sarcasm switch on him during an argument. Then, suddenly, sarcasm was mean and it became an opportunity to change the subject from whatever we were fighting about to how we fight (i.e. how mean and unforgiving I am). Meanwhile, he was carrying on a secret life under my roof.

Resentment much? I know, I know.

I got blamed for being too sensitive quite a bit. Since we've been living apart for awhile, I've been reflecting on a lot of our relationship patterns while I contemplate what it would look like getting back together (a long shot at this point, but one I still think about a lot). One of the things I always think about is how light he was on compliments, and how heavy he was on sarcasm, teasing and pointing out my shortcomings. I used to ask him, when we were purportedly working on our relationship, to toss me some more compliments. Tell me I'm pretty, tell me if you liked this dish I made, tell me if you appreciate this project I did. I would ask for a compliment and he would say, "It's too hard. You're putting me on the spot." Ouch. But on the other hand he was pretty quick to cut me down, or remember something stupid I said, or insult my taste in pretty much everything. And personally? Something that weighs heavily on a marriage is hearing how boring, dumb, and terrible you are all the time.

So maybe the issue isn't that you're too sensitive. Maybe his issue is that you aren't as compliant as you used to be.

PohsFriend

DING DING DING.

My ex absolutely lost it with me when I began to realize that I allowed her to treat me in a manner I wouldn't dare treat her. Belittling me worked for a very long time until the things she complained about couldn't really be use any longer, then she screwed up - she figured she could get the same result if she went after DD. That worked poorly.

I think it was after I had what was supposed to be a terminal illness but wound up being a few surgical scars and a huge dose of perspective. I figured out that life is too short to put up with crap from anyone :-)

Flo - your whole post hit home but especially the part I quoted, thanks for articulating it so well

Audrey1

Exactly right.

The problem is, in the beginning it's really difficult to see this sort of sarcasm for what it is (or what it aims to achieve), and can so easily be passed off as joking around. Unfortunately, by the time you realise what's going on, you've been letting it get to you and reinforced it for so long it's hard to change.

On a lighter note, glad you're not terminal, Poh'sFriend.

ZiggyB

I had the same experience as you - I was criticized and belittled constantly but if I turned the tables on him he accused me of cruelty. WTF.

I do not like being criticized and I will not put up with it again in my next relationship. My therapist and I are talking about how to set boundaries.

Anyway I too have a bunch of resentments I need to let go of. ;-)