Crazed

So it is perhaps time for me to talk to a professional about my codependency issues. Speaking with family and friends is not proving to be very helpful. I am not sure if it is because they do not understand the alcoholic/codependent bond, or simply the fact that I am tired of hearing everyone give the advice of "she is no good, kick her to the curb and your problems will go away." I feel that they don't understand that my issues come to play as well.

Any suggestions? I am a mid 40's male. Female therapist? Male? One who specializes in addiction? One that perhaps is a recovering addict? I feel like I am throwing a dart at a phonebook and hope it lands on a good one.

Thanks

Katiekate

First thing I would try is to ask friends if they know or have had anyone they liked.

If I were you , I would try a male first, see if that feels okay for you.

You could ask your doctor if he or she knows anyone.

I would not see a psychiartrist at this point, sometimes they immediately want to use drugs.

My personal counselor was not an addiction counselor or an x addict but she was very well versed in co dependency. I think counselors as a whole do deal with co dependency issues a lot.

Audrey1

Great to hear you are looking into therapy. I know exactly how you feel about friends and family being unhelpful.

I'm not sure where you live, but there are therapists out there who specialise in codependency. If you do a bit of research into your area, you're sure to hit on some. Have you read Codependency No More? I've just started. It's really helpful in terms of gaining insight into the mind of a recovering alcoholic and codependent.

I don't think the gender of the therapist is important at all. What is important is that you click with the therapist, so don't worry if you only go to one session and you don't feel comfortable. Try out as many as you need until you meet the right one.

Best of luck, Crazed.

PohsFriend

It amazes me that people will get three estimates if they ding their car but tend to go with the first 'shop' I. The phone book for thier brain.

Interview three, see who you like, ask them about the treatment plan they follow.

I can train a parrot to say "so how'd it go this week" and I'm pretty aware and comfortable in my own skin - I want someone with a plan rather than some nebulous mush mash but that's me and I'm that way... What do you want from therapy? Start there and work backward...

Redheadsusie

I had a super therapist I was making progress with - and one day the office called and said Adam is gone- that was it. Wth? Would not tell me where he went nothing. I am not sure what happened but they assigned me someone else they said had lots of experience. First appointment - it was a 24 year old young man - same age as my son - looked strikingly similar to my son and just wasnt easy to be frank and candid with him as I could be his Mom. I told the office my thoughts and they got offended that I was judging him on age. Well I don't go there anymore. I wasnt judging but it wasn't going to be beneficial to me as I was not gonna open up to him and I knew it. Anyway- point being - interviewing several is great - they have to be intelligent about the topic and you have to be comfortable opening up with them.

WritingFromLife

Crazed--I was having the same problem--the whole dart thing. I had attended a few Alanon meetings and reached out to some folks there--took two phone numbers from the book they pass around, called them and asked if they knew of anyone, and got a couple of really strong referrals. It worked-mine's great.

Or maybe this--If you have a family doctor, check with them! Even if you don't have a family doctor, find a respected one in your community and call them and ask.

fourmaggie

if your going to AL ANON meetings ask around....and you can ask your family doctor...

ZiggyB

I've been seeing a CBT therapist and it has been helping me examine my dysfunctional thought patterns. I am definitely feeling a lot better than earlier in this year when I was hopelessly mixed with the axbf.

My therapist this time around is a man but I've also had female therapists. I think it matters more about what you are more comfortable with.

bailey17

I would recommend beginning with a therapist that is near your age and same sex.. I have found that this is what people are most comfortable with. You will want to see a therapist that is licensed, either LMHC, LCSW, or LMFT. Also, I would recommend seeing a doctor if they specialize in therapy and have a PhD or PsyD. I would not recommend seeing a psychiatrist, they specialize in prescribing medicine and these days, no longer do therapy. I think it may be helpful to see a therapist that has experience in addiction because he/she may have more experience in codependency issues. ALthough codependency issues can happen in any relationship, it is more likely and seen more in relationships involving addiction. I wish you luck and, it was a great decision for me!

lillamy

Well, for me it was trial and error. I think now, after having been through four, I know what I'm looking for -- but initially, I didn't.

Now, I know I would look for a therapist who knows addiction issues (from both sides, the addict's and the codie's); one who knows when to listen and when to call me on my BS, and one who isn't "married" to one approach but can adapt her approach to her client.

I would never go to a male therapist again, but that -- like the stuff above -- is my issue. For me, after having been controlled by an AH for 20 years, going to a male counselor meant I didn't trust his judgment. Because he was male. When he called me on my BS, I felt like I wanted to hit him because it felt like control to me. When my female counselor does the same thing, I sort of go, "No, I do not... oh. Oh yeah. Maybe I do. Hm. Let me think about that."

I'm a fairly conservative Christian and chose to NOT see a counselor who billed themself as a Christian counselor. Deliberately. I felt like I needed HELP above all, and that if I started putting reins on WHAT help I was willing to accept, I had already shot myself in the foot.

I don't know if any of that helped.