RollerDerbyGirl

I tend to be really long-winded but will aim to be more brief. My dad is now 67 and drinks daily. He has for the last 25 years or so. I don't really remember noticing until I was in middle school or so, so I think that's about right. He's a pretty mellow, high functioning alcoholic I guess you could say - never mentally or physically abusive, doesn't get all sloppy and fall over, stuff like that. He falls asleep in his chair a lot, slurs his words just a bit, and gets overly sentimental. This is not to say his relationship with alcohol does not greatly alter his personality. I'm merely describing his demeanor while under the influence. His personality is altered on every level as a result of his drinking. He takes no responsibility, personal accountability, has an ax to grind with the world it seems, always trying to prove himself, and the ever present chip on his shoulder. The older he's gotten, the longer he has continued his disease, the worse all of those traits have become.

I have just let it be, even though it is the big elephant in the room for me and I resent the hell out of it (his drinking) because I lived in another state and/or town. Well now I live back in my hometown with my now sober husband and baby boy, the adored grandson of my father's. Here's the thing: I love my dad. I abhor his drinking. Now that I am around him more often, I notice the telltale and revolting smell of vodka whenever we get together. Doesn't really matter if it's 1 in the afternoon or 8 in the evening. He lives alone and is not currently working, so there is nothing to temper his drinking. And he may not even appear drunk to anyone at all, but I can smell him, and I can sense that sort of fake cheeriness that a drunk expresses when buzzed.

Not only do I take issue with his drinking, my husband does as well, and understandably. He has been sober 2.5 years now. So yeah, the recovered alcoholic and the using alcoholic don't get on too well. My husband just keeps his distance and tries to play nice. But now with our precious son in all of our lives, it is much trickier. My dad wants to see my son as much as possible and help babysit. I cannot have my dad watching my son while under the influence, even after one drink. It is not okay with me.

What do I do? Well, yes. I draw my healthy boundaries and tell him. But according to my husband, he is not to be trusted because alcoholics lie. He will just lie and say he didn't drink. I can't demand that my dad not drink at all, ever, if he is to be in my son's life, right? (even if that is MY wish) I can only say, you can spend time with us if you haven't been drinking. This is where I am confused on how to draw a healthy boundary for myself and my family. Any suggestions on a course of action? Do I make it about my son and safety? Or do I come clean to my dad about how I feel about his drinking altogether??? It really is an issue of both, so I suppose I should just say as much.

Lastly and on a separate note - my husband has really gotten away from AA meetings and has not had a sponsor since our (first of two) moves a year and a half ago. He claimed he just didn't jive with the AA community in last town but has vowed to try again here. What is my role in this? I hate to nag him but I really can tell the difference in him. It's not that I'm worried that he will go out and drink. More than that I can just tell that his personal growth has kind of lagged. He seems more uptight, negative, less patient and understanding than when he was really invested into his AA group. We have been through a LOT of life changes in last year and a half and at times I have felt lost at sea without our little AA community we had in last town. Do I just leave him alone about it for now and go find my own Al-Anon community and hope he will do the same with AA? I have kind of gently already made it clear that I feel he should try a meeting here. At what point am I overstepping boundaries? I mean, I want to be respectful and not manage his issues. But on the other hand, so many of the blessings in our life are owed to his recovery, so I don't want to dishonor or jeopardize that! Plus, it's the only time my husband seems to really focus on self-awareness and reflection. It's so obvious when he's not getting that and therefore, harder on our relationship.

Thanks for listening.

jamaicamecrazy

I think it works best if you put yourself at the center of your boundaries. Perhaps tell your father that you are happy to have him in your lives and be able to spend more time with him but it is not healthy for you, your husband and your baby to visit with him when he has been drinking. Then it is up to him to decide how often he can be in your lives in a healthy way.
Take care of you. Going to Al Anon seems like a great idea especially after all the changes in your life. I think that if you share your reasons for going to Al Anon with your husband he will be encouraged to go back and start taking care of himself.

Recovering2

I think you set boundaries regarding your Dad. Try to arrange time when you can visit with your son. But he should not be one of your sitters. It is definitely his choice to drink, that's his right. But you then have the right to decide that's not what you want in a sitter. I agree with your husband, if he can't be trusted then you can't just take him at his word. Too much is at stake with your child to do that. Your Dad may not like it, but this is just part of the natural consequences of his drinking. I learned when my RABF was in treatment a very important lesson. "No" is a complete sentence. When you say "No" you don't need to follow it with an explanation, rationalization, etc. If something makes you uncomfortable, you just say "No"
WIth respect to your husband, it's his journey. All you can decide is if you want to go to AlAnon and take care of you. But it's not up to you to get him to AA. Maybe when he sees you in AlAnon it will motivate him again. But you can't decide that for him.

LexieCat

So far as your dad goes, it doesn't sound as if his drinking, as much as you dislike it, is causing you or anyone other than him tremendous difficulty. I certainly wouldn't trust him alone with your child, but what would be the motive to curtail his relationship with his grandson? Would it really be to protect the child, or would it be to express your disapproval? It would be different if he were someone loud or abusive or frightening or aggressive, but it doesn't sound like he is anything but kind of sad. Of course, if it ever becomes an issue where it DOES create great difficulty for you or your family, then you have the right and maybe the obligation to put conditions on the visits.

As far as your husband goes, my first husband (kids' dad, with whom I have a very friendly relationship) is now 33 years sober. About fifteen years ago, after our divorce, he had moved across the country and sort of lost touch with AA (which he was very involved with before the move). A crisis happened with our older son, and when I could hear the fear and stress in my ex's voice I asked if he had called anyone from the program. He had not, but he did, and he got back into it actively--as he remains to this day. I've heard him say a few times he was glad I gave him that gentle nudge when he desperately needed to talk to someone who understood.

A gentle nudge or suggestion is OK, I think, but beyond that you should just do what you need to do for you. Maybe you could suggest you both attend an Alkathon or some other AA activity where there are likely to be spouses/partners. Maybe if he met one or two guys he would just naturally fall back into the swing of things. OTOH, maybe he will need to go through a little pain before he realizes what's wrong. Either way, if you don't push it, he won't get a resentment about it or resist it just BECAUSE.

Good luck, maybe when things settle down from this move it will get better. Your husband knows what works.

RollerDerbyGirl

I am terrified of expressing my disapproval and would love for him to have a healthy relationship with my son, so it's definitely not that. The path of least resistance would be to not say anything and just "go with the flow." But that is really the path of least resistance for HIM, not for ME. For reasons I can't seem to adequately explain, even though he is a relatively mellow drunk, being around him when he's been drinking negatively affects me. And for me, that is enough of a reason. I don't like sending the message with my silence that his drinking doesn't affect me, because it does. It makes me feel angry and resentful for all that I have lost and my mother has lost and my husband has lost, due to alcoholism.

Yes, going to leave issue alone for now with my husband. He knows how I feel. I am headed to Al-Anon meeting tomorrow and will just try to focus on my recovery and let him worry about his for now. If things have not changed a few months down the road though, I fear it will become a primary issue. But living in the present, not tomorrow...or at least humbly trying.