seek

I have come to believe that emotions wreak all kinds of havoc in human beings. Alcoholics drink in response to uncomfortable emotions - non-alcoholics act out in other ways - I found myself yelling at a customer service person on the telephone today. My fuse seems to have gotten REALLY short.

I got a massage tonight and I realized that though massage is physical, it satisfies emotional needs for me - the innate human need to be touched in a loving way - like a mother is "supposed" to do to her child. I did not have a loving mother - I had no nurturing at all from my mother, so I have been starving for emotional attention all of my life.

None of my relationships have been emotionally satisfying and my emotional needs are super important to me - so now, I can get a massage, or get a pedicure or do other body work and even though these are physical modalities the emotional need is mostly satisfied.

The reason I want to find a community I relate to is also to meet my emotional needs - that's most of the reason why I come to any board and why I post - in an attempt to connect with others.

Also, my fears around my grandson have to do with my assessment that he is highly emotionally volatile and reactive.

We are both "highly sensitive people" - in fact, my family is made up of mostly "highly sensitive people" (HSP's) . . . being sensitive is good in many ways, but it is also super uncomfortable sometimes - "high strung" is not a compliment.

Just thought I would share those insights for whatever they are worth.

seek

And I want to add that I don't buy into the "emotional intelligence" theories as if it is something you can choose and develop - I believe it is strictly innate (in terms of your basic temperament and enhanced or wounded by your environment). I don't think there is anything you can do to "cure yourself" of being "too emotional." You either are or you aren't.

Thumper

I like what you said about massage. I've never had one but maybe I will splurge.

I agree about not being able to control emotional response internally. They just kind of happen. I have learned different ways of processing and reacting to them that have been helpful.

You also made me think of my kids. The one most like my xrah does not actually trigger me. At one time I found my ex and I to be very compatible and i find I am with the kids that are like him too. The two that are more like me - wow the triggers abound. I have a much harder time being thoughtful and controlled in my reactions and responses. Very interesting. They also bounce off each other endlessly.

There are things for me to watch out for in both dynamics.

redatlanta

My RAH is also a HSP. He is also Bipolar. Not making a correlation there that all HSP are also BP. I find it interesting that his sensory frequency is much, much higher than my own. Particularly smell and taste, sound and light, his intuitiveness is just plain weird at times. Its as if he is on a radio frequency far above the norm.

Like you we have turned it toward the positive and instead of it being annoying to him, as it had been most of his life, he now sees it as a gift. He controls his emotions so much better now. Aided obviously by correct medication, but that's not all. Even though he is incredibly attractive and smart his "sensitivities" always made him very uncomfortable in his own skin. He recognizes that alcohol and drugs dulled it and made it easier to deal with.

I get a massage every week. RAH is very touchy feely and affectionate thankfully - the massage invigorates me its the only time my mind goes completely blank.

m1k3

Seek, I think you can change your emotional health because I have done it. I am doing a mix of mindfulness and Buddhism. It doesn't stop me from have emotions or feeling them but it does let me have emotions without attaching to them.

I meditate and use mantra. To me the mantra doesn't have any real spiritual implications, I'm not reducing Karma or working towards altered states of consciousness. Whenever I find myself getting to attached to an emotion or thought I focus on the mantra rather than the trigger. It gives me a way to hop off the hamster wheel in my head and sometimes I find the mantra popping up on its own and I never get on the hamster wheel in the first place.

The idea behind it is neuroplasticity. With mindfulness and practice you can actually rewire your brain so that your new behaviors, in this case the mantra, actually become reflex rather than something you need to focus on. I have had great results with this. I am learning that I have the choice to respond rather than react.

You can't stop having emotions or thoughts but you can change the way you respond to them.

Your friend,

theuncertainty

I can completely understand that a massage would fill an emotional need. Touch is so important to people, and animals, not just babies or children. We continue to need touch as we're older. There's been research that shows touch can lower blood pressure, slow heart rate, reduce stress hormones...

At the opposite end of the spectrum, AXH tried to use that as a blunt object in our relationship after DS was born. He had found an article about new mothers getting 'touched out' from always having their newborns touching them, breast feeding, carrying, etc., as an explanation for a lowering in... libido on the wife's part. So, his point was, our relationship problems were not related to his drinking and behavior, but because of me and our DS and I was ordered to stop breastfeeding DS.

That's kind of off-subject... Touch really is important, be it a touch on the hand or lower arm from a friend while talking, a child's impulsive hug, a loved ones hand on your arm or back as they hold the door for you, a massage. I get a wealth of hugs from DS (even a few he calls tackle-huggles where he runs full tilt at me arms wide that I have to brace myself for or end up in the snow ). Still, I think a massage sounds lovely.

mrschoices

I identify with you. I try to stay away from titles and diagnoses - that gets me stuck in an angry place where I feel I'm freakish. There are thousands of adult children walking the face of the earth today and we're all looking for something. God gives me everything I need.
I congratulate you for realizing that the alcoholic is the same as the alanoner in many respects - we're all human. Instead of getting a massage the alcoholic will reach for the bottle on many days.
Happy to see you are finding ways to be good to yourself.