Mixed feelings...first time I spoke to him in a month
 

I'm doubting myself even though I know that breaking up w him was the only thing I could do...I'm so hurt and confused...

He called yesterday around 5 as I was walking out of work. I didn't pick up. Then he texted saying its important. So I had to call him. He said he is paying water bill on Thursday. He was so nice about it. I mentioned his text about how people couldn't believe he was paying it! He didn't reply. To that. But said he knows its his bill to pay. Then he told me he's signing on an apartment this week and will get stuff out of garage. I said I'm in no hurry since you are paying water bill. He was thankful. Then he said I sounded good, not angry. So I had to bring up why I was so mad all of the time. For the past 7 months, I tried to work w him, told him its not working out, told him everything that upset me...then he mentioned he knew he was drinking too much. I told him the whole situation was hurting us and we are better off apart. He didn't agree w that line. He asked how I was and how the cats are. I was driving home w tears streaming down my face...like now. Anyway,then he asked if the garage door was open cuz he needed to get his bowling ball. I said yes. Then for the first time in ages or ever,he asked about my work. It hurts me and confuses me. This happened last time. I told him I also joined an alanon group. He said good. ?? I wonder if he knows what alanon is? I'm sure he has too. He started talking under his breath, I wasn't sure if he was talking to me...I asked if he was talking to me, he said yes, but never mind. He sounded sad.

I wish things were different. I think he's getting his own apartment which is good. I was stupid and sent him a text last night saying 'I wish you would get help...I'll always love you. I pray for you and me.' Stupid huh?

Am I a mess or what?

Sorry I know the feeling. :)
I don't have any words of wisdom for you aside from the fact that you probably need to stop engaging w/him. If he wanted help he would have gotten it by now. It doesn't really help to stay in contact with them.

Not a mess, a work in progress ;-)

You're defintely not stupid.
You cared & loved.
He has to do it for himself.
A lot of us here know the pain you're feeling.
Hang in there.
Big hugs.
:ghug3

You don't have to question your compassion and love for someone.

Everyone we have compassion and love for isn't someone we can also be in a relationship with.

oh momzo,

not a mess..

hugs.

I am in exactly the same spot.

No alternative but end the relationship with my AH, he moved out in November and I've seen him once since then.

We're in text contact too, partly at the advice of my solicitor, who suggests a gentle approach to agreeing a separation, which makes things a lot easier here (scotland) to divorce in 12 months time.

he is so sad. baffled at the change in circumstances, in spite of a very high level of misery over the past six months, with frequent attempts to communicate to him the way we were headed. he just didn't see that this is how it could end. he has admitted his problem one day, denied it the next, and all the text book games, strategies and arguments played out till i had no energy left for it all.

some days i feel on top of the world, with all that potential for a new life, with fresh chances to make better choices. other days i feel crazy and desperate to meet someone new to soothe myself, which would no doubt repeat the whole dance over again with a new partner. today i cried all the way as i walked home.

I've been reading a lot here, and one thing that has stuck these past months was something PohsFriend said (i think it was him anyways..)

just try to do the next right thing.

for me, that is just trying to acknowledge that yes, this is painful, and i am upset and hurt, but in the midst of it, remembering that it will pass.

there's another post i was just reading about how wounds and hurts are an opportunity to heal at the core.

one next right thing at a time.

when my AH contacts me seeking the next attempt to patch up, i remember that my focus is to be on doing the next right thing for me. for me. the right thing for me.

one day at a time

it will pass.

but its really hard, isn't it.

Thank you all for your responses..I knew you would understand what I'm going through. Great advice....one day at a time...so so true.

Love you guys ;)

Jennie

no contact = no new pain. Stay strong, you are not a mess! Breakups are difficult.

"He started talking under his breath, I wasn't sure if he was talking to me...I asked if he was talking to me, he said yes, but never mind." I could be wrong, but this sounds like a passive aggressive, control tactic.

Going through a divorce, I eventually stopped communicating by telephone w/ AH - emails only. He was so difficult! Wouldn't answer direct questions, lied, and always got these sly little insults in on me. The same sh*t he would do when we were together and told me I was too sensitive. I knew our r/s was over, I had done everything I could. I spent months telling him I loved him, let's work things out, we can do this - and he didn't treat me with any dignity, respect, maturity, or empathy. so I cut him off. When i did see him in November, he reminded me several times why I stopped talking to him!

Mmk11: i think we were married to same man!!

and I think I was dating him for three years!!

You said he sounded upset. Good.
Im not going to get your hopes up because we never know what hell do
But the pain he feels is needed!
Keep working your recovery. Stay firm and maybe (just maybe*) he will
Get the push to get himself help.
You are not stupid and you are voicing to him from your heart.
The thing is...he might use that as wiggle room ....do not cave with him
Until he is dedicated and sober.if he ever gets sober.
But make your needs and wants the top priority. You come first because regardless of what he does.
Theres still you to worry about

It's so crazy...I was doing SO good, until I heard his voice. I DO NOT want to talk to him or see him...not now at least. I'm not ready. Well, I thought I was. I need time to heal. I'm not ready yet. I'm going to stay in my cocoon a little longer :)

mmk11, your EXAH sure gets around! LOL

Oh, this made me giggle so much!

Hi momzo, I'm sorry it has been so hard for you lately! Grieving is a normal process in this situation :hug:

So did he actually pay the water bill yesterday or do you think he just told you that so that he would get more 'storage time' in your garage?

Alas, breaking up is a process for most of it, it takes a while to stop rationalizing, the denial. Above all, don't beat yourself up. My Alanon sponsor helped by asking if I trusted and respected him ... the answer was NO! It helped me to stay grounded in reality and let go of the fantasy of him changing. That doesn't happen.

I'm not sure if he paid the bill yet. I'm scared to ask, but I did just text him.

I don't trust him or respect him. I couldn't depend on him either. Those three things are big! I need to stop living in my little fantasy world thinking he will change. Thinking one day he will see how good he had it, how much I loved him and his family, etc...that isn't going to happen. I hate feeling so yucky. So sad, mad, all those negative feelings. I'm mentally drained. All after that call...geez

This is why I'm scared to text him....

I texted him just now saying 'plz tell me u paid the bill'
His response 'yes I did. Why u getting goofy' 'got receipt for u'

I didn't think I was goofy..but I responded 'thx'

Then he texted 'no prob. I signed up for apt. Looks like next week if that's ok' then another text 'pretty girl'

That's why I was scared to text him. I don't know how to take it. He goes from saying I'm goofy to pretty girl. Stupid

Don't worry about it. He paid the bill. It doesn't matter if he calls you goofy, pretty girl, or Queen Elizabeth.

(Though if he called you Queen Elizabeth you might have a shot at getting him committed...) :)