Bachelor Party?! In Costa Rica?!
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 34
Originally Posted by Maylie 
If he is still taking everything you say extremely personally and it ends with him feeling bad about himself, it sounds like he isn't fully there in his recovery yet. Sure he might be sober, but as a recovered addict I can tell you, being sober is only part of the fight.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by alia
Everyone is right - I do feel uncomfortable expressing how I feel because we just end up arguing and he ends up feeling sorry for himself and I feel guilty. How do I break this cycle? I feel like he takes everything I say so personally that I am walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat! Can we ever move past this point?? How?
I'm sorry but I find 3 pages of posts on someone else's behavior pretty disturbing and missing the point.
I've just realized how often I am not willing to rock the boat. And it's not's just in my personal relationship. It's in business relationships and friendships. Surprisingly pervasive. I'm only to the point of being aware of it right now. I'm sure it's a behavior I learned growing up in an alcoholic family. My motto over the past few days has been "talk, trust & feel."
Alia, are you working a program?
Best wishes.
Vicki
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Real World
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by VickiACA
I think this is the real issue. What is we say in Al-anon? We take the focus off the alcoholic and put it on ourselves.
I'm sorry but I find 3 pages of posts on someone else's behavior pretty disturbing and missing the point.
I've just realized how often I am not willing to rock the boat. And it's not's just in my personal relationship. It's in business relationships and friendships. Surprisingly pervasive. I'm only to the point of being aware of it right now. I'm sure it's a behavior I learned growing up in an alcoholic family. My motto over the past few days has been "talk, trust & feel."
Alia, are you working a program?
Best wishes.
Vicki
I'm sorry but I find 3 pages of posts on someone else's behavior pretty disturbing and missing the point.
I've just realized how often I am not willing to rock the boat. And it's not's just in my personal relationship. It's in business relationships and friendships. Surprisingly pervasive. I'm only to the point of being aware of it right now. I'm sure it's a behavior I learned growing up in an alcoholic family. My motto over the past few days has been "talk, trust & feel."
Alia, are you working a program?
Best wishes.
Vicki
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, it's hard to say whether it's a good idea to go if he isn't in a program. Not that AA or anything else guarantees anything, nor that people don't get solidly sober without a formal program, but yes, it's the absence of tools that is of some concern.
Still, are you going to protect him for the rest of his life? Make sure what he's doing and who he's going with are "safe"? If he is going to drink, he is going to drink. If not on this trip, on some other occasion (which may be no "occasion" at all--could just be he does it for the same insane non-reason alcoholics drink).
I'd say you express your concerns and then just let him decide. Don't get all sad-eyed if he decides to go. If he decides to go, tell him to have fun and you have faith in his ability to take care of himself. You will know soon enough if he does not.
Lexie
Still, are you going to protect him for the rest of his life? Make sure what he's doing and who he's going with are "safe"? If he is going to drink, he is going to drink. If not on this trip, on some other occasion (which may be no "occasion" at all--could just be he does it for the same insane non-reason alcoholics drink).
I'd say you express your concerns and then just let him decide. Don't get all sad-eyed if he decides to go. If he decides to go, tell him to have fun and you have faith in his ability to take care of himself. You will know soon enough if he does not.
Lexie
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
VickiACA
I get your point and at the same time I feel this forum is for people to be real and honest with our feelings. I posted compulsively while deeper in codependency, just see the number of posts I have made LOL. I needed to hash and rehash stuff that was bothering me. This was the only place I felt understood.
Many of us have endured huge trauma and have been told to dismiss it or that our feelings/needs are not as important, when we finally share in a place where we feel safe, it is a huge step forward. Recovering from codependency is a process... Rome was not built in one day...
Just my 2 cents.
I get your point and at the same time I feel this forum is for people to be real and honest with our feelings. I posted compulsively while deeper in codependency, just see the number of posts I have made LOL. I needed to hash and rehash stuff that was bothering me. This was the only place I felt understood.
Many of us have endured huge trauma and have been told to dismiss it or that our feelings/needs are not as important, when we finally share in a place where we feel safe, it is a huge step forward. Recovering from codependency is a process... Rome was not built in one day...
Just my 2 cents.
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