Is it harder to let go of an alcoholic than a no alcoholic?
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Is it harder to let go of an alcoholic than a no alcoholic?
I am unsure if this question has been asked, but why is it so hard to walk away from an alcoholic (in my case recovering)?
I don't recall ever having a problem walking away from relationships to non-alcoholics that exhibit unacceptable behavior.
I don't recall ever having a problem walking away from relationships to non-alcoholics that exhibit unacceptable behavior.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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For some reason I trusted my A with every deep dark secret of my soul...smacking self in head! Hopefully, he was too wasted to remember any of it!
I think, when we are with them, we think he doesn't mean that, i, he could be better, he could choose sobriety, he was just drunk! Where with a nonaddict..they are what they are. There is no 'potential'.
have I mentioned; I think I have moved in to my angry/annoyed stage!
Go ME!
I think, when we are with them, we think he doesn't mean that, i, he could be better, he could choose sobriety, he was just drunk! Where with a nonaddict..they are what they are. There is no 'potential'.
have I mentioned; I think I have moved in to my angry/annoyed stage!
Go ME!
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Join Date: Nov 2012
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I can only liken it (albeit only very distantly) to the fact that I stayed with my late partner, despite the horrible way he treated me and his own unacceptable behaviour, because he had cancer. As with my current partner, I was the only one he trusted and who knew him intimately enough to ease his pain. But that didn't stop him (or my current partner while he was drinking) from treating me appallingly.
I truly believed that by staying and caring for my terminally ill late partner, giving him all my love, and keeping a smile on my face at all times, I could somehow cure him of his disease. As dollydo said, I wanted to fix him to my own detriment. I did everything to save him, and took the hit every time he needed a metaphorical punching bag.
Of course, I couldn't save him and he died. As I had spent 24 hours a day focused on him, and taken a beating each time, I was a pathetic smudge on the floor when he died and I had nothing real left to fill my days after that for quite some time. It took a long time to become a normal functioning person again. In addition, my support and optimism probably did little to prepare him for the reality of his death, so I wasn't doing either of us any favours.
Years and years later I see now that I slipped into the same bloody pattern of thoughts with my current partner while he was drinking. Again, I couldn't cure him, despite what I did. And I tried everything I could. When I finally realised that, I left him. But it was only in leaving him that he was alone to deal with it all for himself, and he made the realisation that he had to take action for himself.
I don't know about you, Crazed, but I really hope I don't slip into that pattern again, as it neither helps the person we are trying to help or ourselves.
I truly believed that by staying and caring for my terminally ill late partner, giving him all my love, and keeping a smile on my face at all times, I could somehow cure him of his disease. As dollydo said, I wanted to fix him to my own detriment. I did everything to save him, and took the hit every time he needed a metaphorical punching bag.
Of course, I couldn't save him and he died. As I had spent 24 hours a day focused on him, and taken a beating each time, I was a pathetic smudge on the floor when he died and I had nothing real left to fill my days after that for quite some time. It took a long time to become a normal functioning person again. In addition, my support and optimism probably did little to prepare him for the reality of his death, so I wasn't doing either of us any favours.
Years and years later I see now that I slipped into the same bloody pattern of thoughts with my current partner while he was drinking. Again, I couldn't cure him, despite what I did. And I tried everything I could. When I finally realised that, I left him. But it was only in leaving him that he was alone to deal with it all for himself, and he made the realisation that he had to take action for himself.
I don't know about you, Crazed, but I really hope I don't slip into that pattern again, as it neither helps the person we are trying to help or ourselves.
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Because they're fairly common?
Also, (and this is just my opinion) a lot of them have a lot of charm and an ultra-maculine toughness...they're adventurous, daring. Bad guys. I know that's like crack for me.
Other factors I know are going on for me -- well, because of long term abuse issues over childhood, people who set me on an emotional roller coaster feel normal. They also tend to come on with a load of love bombing and that is another thing that realllllllly hooks me. Actually, love bombing is a well known tactic in the beginning stages of cult brainwashing.
They back and forth wonderful knight in shining armor stuff and then when they can't sustain that, the reversion to the immature emotionally stunted raging maniac....the neglect....we want to get their attention and nurturing back. I know I crave crave crave nurturing, but I don't know what it really feels like, I guess. So I get fooled by Fool's Gold. Heh heh.
I hope that helped....I was just kind of rambling, trying to make sense of things.
Also, (and this is just my opinion) a lot of them have a lot of charm and an ultra-maculine toughness...they're adventurous, daring. Bad guys. I know that's like crack for me.
Other factors I know are going on for me -- well, because of long term abuse issues over childhood, people who set me on an emotional roller coaster feel normal. They also tend to come on with a load of love bombing and that is another thing that realllllllly hooks me. Actually, love bombing is a well known tactic in the beginning stages of cult brainwashing.
They back and forth wonderful knight in shining armor stuff and then when they can't sustain that, the reversion to the immature emotionally stunted raging maniac....the neglect....we want to get their attention and nurturing back. I know I crave crave crave nurturing, but I don't know what it really feels like, I guess. So I get fooled by Fool's Gold. Heh heh.
I hope that helped....I was just kind of rambling, trying to make sense of things.
NorCaliGirl
Join Date: Nov 2012
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Originally Posted by ReflectingOnMe 
I think, when we are with them, we think he doesn't mean that, i, he could be better, he could choose sobriety, he was just drunk! Where with a nonaddict..they are what they are. There is no 'potential'.
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Today I am struggling with this. I feel like I couldn't save her, not so much from a want to fix her, but to see someone whom I loved (and apparently still love) struggle and the feeling of helplessness that goes with it. To not be able to take away her pain. Today I'm not doing a very good job of feeling that I am powerless. I feel that I am helpless & the helplessness side is working me over pretty good right now.
It's very hard to walk away from someone when they are obviously very sick. Maybe I could've done X. I never tried Y. If I had done Z it would have reached them. Surely I could have sacrificed more of myself and when they found recovery we would be happy again, like we used to be, before alcoholism consumed her.
It's been a long time since I had to deal with the end of any relationship, but this one is pretty rough. All the potential, all the dreams that were dangled in front of me, getting just enough to keep my hope from completely failing, just enough to keep me hanging on only to find the next glimmer of hope only gives me enough to hang on some more. Never getting any more than that. But after being strung along that much, it becomes more bearable to "hang on". It becomes normal. Comfortable. Only when you fall of the rope do you see how miserable it really was.
It's very hard to walk away from someone when they are obviously very sick. Maybe I could've done X. I never tried Y. If I had done Z it would have reached them. Surely I could have sacrificed more of myself and when they found recovery we would be happy again, like we used to be, before alcoholism consumed her.
It's been a long time since I had to deal with the end of any relationship, but this one is pretty rough. All the potential, all the dreams that were dangled in front of me, getting just enough to keep my hope from completely failing, just enough to keep me hanging on only to find the next glimmer of hope only gives me enough to hang on some more. Never getting any more than that. But after being strung along that much, it becomes more bearable to "hang on". It becomes normal. Comfortable. Only when you fall of the rope do you see how miserable it really was.
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I think it's because of the dichotomy between Dr. Jekyll and Mr/Ms Hyde.
Some folks here have described alcoholics who, when sober, were awesome mates who they still love (Tuffgirl comes to mind) but whose Alcoholic side was untenable for them. Others have described partners who were abusive and nasty sober and worse drunk.
A friend was talking to me about how her husband was a d--k when he was drunk and I, like a bad friend, blurted out "he's a d--k sober". She asked me if I really thought so and I said "Look, all I'm saying is that if he takes Viagra he's just going to get TALLER".
When I had my decision point with Poh it honestly took a while to get over the fear. Our relationship is easily the steamiest, most romantic, connect on a level I've never known type of emotional intimacy... that I've ever known.
BUT... when she was circling the drain it was terrifying. She wasn't mean or ugly, just devastatingly SAD and it hurt to watch.
I didn't decide to go all in because I believed she had it beaten... I went all in because if she beats it then I've got what I want and if she doesn't then I will have known that happiness for a while and it would be worth the pain that walking away would surely cause me and I know the 'if only' would hurt for a lonnnnnng time.
With most people it isn't just one thing... it's many things.
Some folks here have described alcoholics who, when sober, were awesome mates who they still love (Tuffgirl comes to mind) but whose Alcoholic side was untenable for them. Others have described partners who were abusive and nasty sober and worse drunk.
A friend was talking to me about how her husband was a d--k when he was drunk and I, like a bad friend, blurted out "he's a d--k sober". She asked me if I really thought so and I said "Look, all I'm saying is that if he takes Viagra he's just going to get TALLER".
When I had my decision point with Poh it honestly took a while to get over the fear. Our relationship is easily the steamiest, most romantic, connect on a level I've never known type of emotional intimacy... that I've ever known.
BUT... when she was circling the drain it was terrifying. She wasn't mean or ugly, just devastatingly SAD and it hurt to watch.
I didn't decide to go all in because I believed she had it beaten... I went all in because if she beats it then I've got what I want and if she doesn't then I will have known that happiness for a while and it would be worth the pain that walking away would surely cause me and I know the 'if only' would hurt for a lonnnnnng time.
With most people it isn't just one thing... it's many things.
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YES. This describes very well my entire marriage w/ AH. It's that glimmer of hope, kept me holding on for a long time. After we separated, I realized how f'n miserable I really was in my marriage. Anxious, irritable w/ him, unsure of the future, scared to leave, scared to stay, so I was frozen with indecision.
So to answer Crazed's question, for me it's hard to walk away from an alcoholic b/c of hope. Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, it's those glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe, things will get better.
Something briliant I read here (I think m1k3 said this): hope clouds observation.
So to answer Crazed's question, for me it's hard to walk away from an alcoholic b/c of hope. Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, it's those glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe, things will get better.
Something briliant I read here (I think m1k3 said this): hope clouds observation.
Originally Posted by OhBoy
All the potential, all the dreams that were dangled in front of me, getting just enough to keep my hope from completely failing, just enough to keep me hanging on only to find the next glimmer of hope only gives me enough to hang on some more. Never getting any more than that. But after being strung along that much, it becomes more bearable to "hang on". It becomes normal. Comfortable. Only when you fall of the rope do you see how miserable it really was.
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THank you. One of my issues is the same as the above Quote by OhBoy. But for me, I think my EXRAG and I think the same way.
I hope she will never drink and lie to me again.
She hopes I will drop all my defenses and love her unconditionally for who she is.
I think in our case we both had big dreams about our relationship, which we both could not meet.
Now during my time of depression and loss, I wonder who is more sicker - her while recovering, or me with being deep in codependency.
I hope she will never drink and lie to me again.
She hopes I will drop all my defenses and love her unconditionally for who she is.
I think in our case we both had big dreams about our relationship, which we both could not meet.
Now during my time of depression and loss, I wonder who is more sicker - her while recovering, or me with being deep in codependency.
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I think in my situation, it was not knowing if the alcohol made him a d*ck or if that was the real him. I kept hanging on hoping to get to a chance to know him without alcohol. Because like so many others, he was wonderful when sober. Also while we were on the rollercoaster, when I would kick him out it would be in reaction to something he did. We were both irrational which made me question my decision. Doubt that I had done all I could, doubted that I fought hard enough.
He's been sober now since April. There are still alot of the traits he had while drinking, but no more than any other person. I'm still unsure of "our" future. But the completly unacceptable things he did while drinking, staying out all night, loosing jobs, no money, no license, those things have stopped. Now it's just the normal "man stuff", household chore kind of stuff...nothing I wouldn't have with a normie. And other issues are mine, I can't seem to let go of the past yet. But what gives me comfort now is if I choose to walk away it will be a rational thought out decision, not a reaction. I would never wish my path on anyone. It's been painful and aged me significantly. And we're still riding a rollercoaster of uncertanity. That's really hard for me to deal with.
He's been sober now since April. There are still alot of the traits he had while drinking, but no more than any other person. I'm still unsure of "our" future. But the completly unacceptable things he did while drinking, staying out all night, loosing jobs, no money, no license, those things have stopped. Now it's just the normal "man stuff", household chore kind of stuff...nothing I wouldn't have with a normie. And other issues are mine, I can't seem to let go of the past yet. But what gives me comfort now is if I choose to walk away it will be a rational thought out decision, not a reaction. I would never wish my path on anyone. It's been painful and aged me significantly. And we're still riding a rollercoaster of uncertanity. That's really hard for me to deal with.
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I am unsure if this question has been asked, but why is it so hard to walk away from an alcoholic (in my case recovering)?
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Originally Posted by womaninprogress
He's been sober now since April. There are still alot of the traits he had while drinking, but no more than any other person. I'm still unsure of "our" future. But the completly unacceptable things he did while drinking, staying out all night, loosing jobs, no money, no license, those things have stopped. Now it's just the normal "man stuff", household chore kind of stuff...nothing I wouldn't have with a normie. And other issues are mine, I can't seem to let go of the past yet. But what gives me comfort now is if I choose to walk away it will be a rational thought out decision, not a reaction. I would never wish my path on anyone. It's been painful and aged me significantly. And we're still riding a rollercoaster of uncertanity. That's really hard for me to deal with.
Letting go of the reality for me seems easy, it's letting go of potential that is really seeming to prove difficult.
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wow!!!!! What a great question? As I read everyones responses, I think of how I fit right into that.
Love the bad boy with the school boy charm.
Feel sorry for them because they are so sick.
Perhaps I can fix them.
etc. etc. etc.
Alls, I can do is sit here and laugh at myself now, because thats exactly how it was for me.
Love the bad boy with the school boy charm.
Feel sorry for them because they are so sick.
Perhaps I can fix them.
etc. etc. etc.
Alls, I can do is sit here and laugh at myself now, because thats exactly how it was for me.
A work in progress
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Location: South Jersey
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Aside from seriously abusive drunks, I think it's hard because we all know that the alcoholic is sick.
It doesn't mean his or her behavior is OK, it doesn't mean we are obligated, or even able, to fix them. It just feels like we are abandoning someone in deep trouble.
And that sits wrong with us. We weren't brought up to be abandoners.
It takes realizing that there is NOTHING we can do to help them. If they get into recovery, yes, we can do things that will help, but until/unless they decide to do that, all we can do is helplessly watch, or worse yet, hang on until we go down with them.
(Well, that last bit isn't EXACTLY true--I know a few people who have managed to stay with the alcoholic who is still drinking and who have managed to live reasonably happy lives with them indefinitely, but admittedly I haven't met many people like that.)
I think it was that not wanting to leave a sick person all alone that was hardest for me.
It doesn't mean his or her behavior is OK, it doesn't mean we are obligated, or even able, to fix them. It just feels like we are abandoning someone in deep trouble.
And that sits wrong with us. We weren't brought up to be abandoners.
It takes realizing that there is NOTHING we can do to help them. If they get into recovery, yes, we can do things that will help, but until/unless they decide to do that, all we can do is helplessly watch, or worse yet, hang on until we go down with them.
(Well, that last bit isn't EXACTLY true--I know a few people who have managed to stay with the alcoholic who is still drinking and who have managed to live reasonably happy lives with them indefinitely, but admittedly I haven't met many people like that.)
I think it was that not wanting to leave a sick person all alone that was hardest for me.
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