pattyG

I am not confident enough to say i am strong and over her, but I am strong at this moment. My ex showed up unannounced yesterday to seek the kids while I was at the grocery store. I was informed by the babysitter. I told her to tell my ex to leave immediately and if she wanted to see the kids she had to deal with me directly or go to family court. When she said she would leave after seeing the child I had with me, I pulled in the driveway and let my daughter in the house and immediately walked across the street to a friends home until she left 5 mins later. I am proud of myself for not going in and seeing her just for the sake of seeing her. Or opening the door for her to come back. I went back to my original threads (as Katie suggested) and I can see the manipulation and the pattern. Often i set a boundary and then it gets totally ignored or challenged and I cave. Anyway, I feel safe emotinally right now. yes I still cry when I talk about the hurt I feel and how I don't believe she ever loved me but was with me for my kids. I am hurt that someone I loved could put me in the situations she has...but don't all addicts do that at some point? Anyway, a feel safe, then I feel guilty for letting go and trying to move on. Like I abandoned her! Like by not trying to keep this together anymore, I failed her as a partner. How do I get through those feelings? I am glad she is who she is....she is not the apologizing, flowers and candy type. She believes she is NEVER wrong, and is great at blaming me for her problems. (another lovely alcoholic behavior) It would be much harder (I think) if she was back begging me for another chance and promising things would be different/better. I would probably cave on that. But her righteousness on doing nothing wrong while I feel the ultimate betrayal this past weekend....well I am angry about that. I believe she thought after my son was born that she would break me...by being gone all the time, offering little to no help with anything. She thought I would break down and let her move in and do whatever she wanted. I did break down but in the "wrong" direction....I realized how little she cared about me or my feelings. How toxic she and her family is. I so appreciate the feedback I get here.
lastly, she has relayed thru the sitter that she will be back on Thursday for "her visit". What do I do? I don't want to tramatize the kids by having a big scene. Calling the police feels wrong. Breaking no contact feels wrong. Do I take them and leave for awhile? This is hard because of my mom but if I had to, I guess I could. Do I lock the door and tell her to leave? help.

GeekyChick

I"m not sure if this is someone that is in a position to have any legal right to see the child/children involved, or their relation to the children, but I will say this - if she doesn't, no I wouldn't let her in. What I would do, personally, is when she came over, stop her at the door, tell her she is not welcome to come in (I take it the home is yours and she's moved out? Sorry I haven't read any of your other posts) and I would close the door and lock it. If she makes a scene, that's on her, and I would call the police.
What the police will tell you and her both, she has no right to visitation until a court order is set. They'll ask her if she has any custody/visitation paperwork. If she doesn't, she'll be asked to leave. The beauty in that is if she does take it to family court, you have documentation of her making a scene, which doesn't look good on her. The other good part is that if you don't let her in, she is not in a position to traumatize you or your children, and she can throw her temper tantrum outside, where you and they are safe, and the police can deal with it. If it comes to that, it will be hard to watch and emotional, but you can do it.

I think she is pushing her boundaries and seeing how far and how long you are going to hold out. I'm sure you can do this, even though it's hard, you have come to this point in it and you are strong enough to tell her no.
I wouldn't leave town, it will only delay this and the problem will still be there when you come back.