It's been a few days...haven't cried (as much)
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Virginia
Posts: 47
It's been a few days...haven't cried (as much)
So, it's been a few days since I posted. My RAH husband has been in his new apartment for a week/away from us for 24 days. You can read my previous posts, but basically he said he (and his dr and therapist) decided he needed to be on his own for a while to get healthy/recover as "our home" (and me) caused him to drink. I should have realized right there (caused) that he was not being entirely honest. Prior to him going to rehab, he had what could only be described as a 3 week bender. Going to work each morning, start drinking at some point each day (usually by noon), not showing up until after midnight, pass out, wake up, repeat. During this time he would tell me in phone calls, texts, in person, that he was "done", that he wanted a divorce. After 16 years of marriage and the ups and downs of living with an alcoholic, I was used to this and didn't really pay attention as he would sometimes say this when he was drunk. I'm beginning to think he is using recovery as an excuse. Now that he is sober and moved out, he is starting to say "I don't think I want to be married to you" and "I don't like you". He doesn't even seem like himself when he says these things. He won't look me in the eye and he seems to be deliberately detached. I waved between feeling like an idiot and crying my eyes out. I know the "right" response should be that I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I know I should pick myself up, work on my recovery and take care of my kids.....but I love him. I stuck around for so long because I knew the alcohol was masking the "real" man I married. It is so unfair that I/our marriage doesn't get one more chance. A real chance that is not in an alcoholic haze. He hasn't said he wants a divorce, and when he moved he said we are not "separating", bu now he is saying...we live in separate places, we are separated. I'm getting used to the single mom thing slowly. I still cry at least once a day, usually when reading here on SR or when I see him or he calls. I'm no longer moping on the couch for hours. I know the advice given on here is correct...work on myself, enjoy my kids, etc. I hear you, I really do. I know I can't force marriage counseling on him. I can't even force h to read my emails/texts (and I'm obviously long winded). I just can't shake the feeling that if he would just slow down and give our marriage a true chance, then he would see we could succeed. His recovery is tangible. I can see him not drinking. I can see him going to AA meetings. The evidence of my recovery will take more time. If he isn't here, he can't see that I'm no longer nagging him, chasing him, trying to control and manipulate him. I know life isn't fair. I just feel like our only chance is slipping away.
I look forward to your response...and those of you who don't sugercoat it, I am fine with that. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I need to toughen up!
I look forward to your response...and those of you who don't sugercoat it, I am fine with that. Don't worry about hurting my feelings. I need to toughen up!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
" I just can't shake the feeling that if he would just slow down and give our marriage a true chance, then he would see we could succeed. His recovery is tangible. I can see him not drinking. I can see him going to AA meetings. The evidence of my recovery will take more time. If he isn't here, he can't see that I'm no longer nagging him, chasing him, trying to control and manipulate him. I know life isn't fair. I just feel like our only chance is slipping away."
IMO you are playing the "If Only" game, attempting to manipulate the future with
him through your rose colored glasses. Honestly, until you get yourself healthy, there
is no guarantee what you will do...the marriage has no chance unless you both are healthy. He is attempting to get healthy, you need to work on you, get to therapy,
read Codependent No More, read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs.
The real man you married has told you, both drunk and sober, that he wants a divorce.
He left the marriage along time ago, he might have been masking his unhappiess with alcohol, I do not know, however, in his mind, the marriage has been over for some time.
Believe him, go to an attorney, find out what your rights are, protect yourself and your children, get a support agreement and custody order in place.
I am not trying to be harsh, however, your childrens well-being must come first, hop in the drivers seat and get the car started.
IMO you are playing the "If Only" game, attempting to manipulate the future with
him through your rose colored glasses. Honestly, until you get yourself healthy, there
is no guarantee what you will do...the marriage has no chance unless you both are healthy. He is attempting to get healthy, you need to work on you, get to therapy,
read Codependent No More, read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs.
The real man you married has told you, both drunk and sober, that he wants a divorce.
He left the marriage along time ago, he might have been masking his unhappiess with alcohol, I do not know, however, in his mind, the marriage has been over for some time.
Believe him, go to an attorney, find out what your rights are, protect yourself and your children, get a support agreement and custody order in place.
I am not trying to be harsh, however, your childrens well-being must come first, hop in the drivers seat and get the car started.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 222
I truly understand the pain of thinking that when they were drunk the things they said drunk weren't really what they meant and then finding out later that they were hinting at their true thoughts. This isn't an easy thing to go through. You have put a lot of time and patience into your marriage and it is disappointing when a long term relationship ends. Crying is normal; especially when such a big change has occurred. I'm 6 weeks in and still have crying days sometimes - where I cry ALL day - (more for what I think I lost, more for the house, more for the things I left behind, not for the REAL him anymore). Relationships ending are just like mourning the death of a loved one. It all takes time, unfortunately the one who decides to end it, (imo) gets 'over it' far more quickly than the one who didn't see it coming. Please look at kubler-ross' 5 stages of grief, it helps you identify the things you are feeling. I am so sorry that this didn't end the way you thought it would, with both of you triumphant over his alcoholism. His ending your relationship is in no way a reflection of YOU. Alcoholism/addiction or not people change, people grow, and painfully people move on without us. My thoughts are with you today. May God (or your HP) bring you peace.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Hi justshy - so happy to read that your own recovery is going well and you are feeling better.
My Dad you used to tell me when I was young that when you get married you never know what you are going to end up with. Perhaps that is why I waited soooo long to become involved in a committed relationship of that level. The lesson is important though, people change. Your husband was one person when you married him and is now another. So are you. You either grow together or grow apart. It sounds like your reflection of the relationship is based on what once was. Now many years later it is what it is can it be healed? I certainly don't know the answer to that.
It also sounds like your husband has been broaching the subject of divorce with you for a long time. I would give that some merit. I think we have a tendency to blame all on the alcoholism and forget that alcoholics do have true feelings and desires aside from that to drink.
AS an outsider looking in I would say it would be unfair of your husband to waste more of your time if this is the decision he has made - he doesn't owe your marriage another chance he does owe it to yo to be honest. It sounds like he is being honest for the first time in a long time without the cover of drunkeness for and excuse of not meaning what he said.
You didn't "cause" his alcoholism - its pathetic that he would go there. Truthfully it doesn't sound like either one of you brings out the best in the other. Maybe you should think about that.
My Dad you used to tell me when I was young that when you get married you never know what you are going to end up with. Perhaps that is why I waited soooo long to become involved in a committed relationship of that level. The lesson is important though, people change. Your husband was one person when you married him and is now another. So are you. You either grow together or grow apart. It sounds like your reflection of the relationship is based on what once was. Now many years later it is what it is can it be healed? I certainly don't know the answer to that.
It also sounds like your husband has been broaching the subject of divorce with you for a long time. I would give that some merit. I think we have a tendency to blame all on the alcoholism and forget that alcoholics do have true feelings and desires aside from that to drink.
AS an outsider looking in I would say it would be unfair of your husband to waste more of your time if this is the decision he has made - he doesn't owe your marriage another chance he does owe it to yo to be honest. It sounds like he is being honest for the first time in a long time without the cover of drunkeness for and excuse of not meaning what he said.
You didn't "cause" his alcoholism - its pathetic that he would go there. Truthfully it doesn't sound like either one of you brings out the best in the other. Maybe you should think about that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 209
His doctor and therapist are WRONG.
You and your home are not causing him to drink, his alcoholism is....they are always only 1 drink away from relapse, no matter how many "days" they have.
Don't let them/him lay a guilt trip on you.
You and your home are not causing him to drink, his alcoholism is....they are always only 1 drink away from relapse, no matter how many "days" they have.
Don't let them/him lay a guilt trip on you.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by dollydo 
IMO you are playing the "If Only" game, attempting to manipulate the future with
him through your rose colored glasses. Honestly, until you get yourself healthy, there
is no guarantee what you will do...the marriage has no chance unless you both are healthy. He is attempting to get healthy, you need to work on you, get to therapy,
read Codependent No More, read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs.
The real man you married has told you, both drunk and sober, that he wants a divorce.
He left the marriage along time ago, he might have been masking his unhappiess with alcohol, I do not know, however, in his mind, the marriage has been over for some time.
Believe him, go to an attorney, find out what your rights are, protect yourself and your children, get a support agreement and custody order in place.
I am not trying to be harsh, however, your childrens well-being must come first, hop in the drivers seat and get the car started.
him through your rose colored glasses. Honestly, until you get yourself healthy, there
is no guarantee what you will do...the marriage has no chance unless you both are healthy. He is attempting to get healthy, you need to work on you, get to therapy,
read Codependent No More, read the stickeys, read cynical one's blogs.
The real man you married has told you, both drunk and sober, that he wants a divorce.
He left the marriage along time ago, he might have been masking his unhappiess with alcohol, I do not know, however, in his mind, the marriage has been over for some time.
Believe him, go to an attorney, find out what your rights are, protect yourself and your children, get a support agreement and custody order in place.
I am not trying to be harsh, however, your childrens well-being must come first, hop in the drivers seat and get the car started.
I couldn't agree more, I think Dolly really nailed it here. Doing the work on yourself is what will help you make decisions like 'Give up or stay & work on it?'. I think you maybe have 2 separate issues going on as well, his alcoholism & your marriage problems don't necessarily seem to be the same thing. He has been verbalizing this to you whether drunk or sober but all you seem to see are issues stemming from his addiction.
Ask yourself some hard questions: Do the issues that you see in the marriage (you mention nagging, controlling, etc) stem from dealing with the alcohol or did they exist before the problem drinking started? Are YOU happy with who you are, inside & out? Are you someone that you would want to be in a relationship with? How much of your personal happiness comes from your partner? After everything, do you WANT to be with your husband or is it more of a safe haven, returning to the devil you know? These are the kinds of questions (& many, many more
) that I really had to figure out honest answers to. I had to find my SELF somewhere in the mess of all of it. I couldn't lead my daughter anywhere if I didn't know where I was going. Don't answer here, but take some time to step back & try to look at things from the outside in. That's where things like therapy & Al Anon & step work can be so helpful.... it can help shift your perspective to see the same things differently. The 'things' don't change, but they way you view them definitely can.
:ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 598
I don't know if you should give totally up but just let things be for now - be with your son - work on yourself and what will be will be - you can't change what he will do and you don't want to really- you don't want someone to come back who really doesn't want to - My Ah returned last year at my request - 5th time- and I was so happy- I thought - nothing changed at all and now we are separated again and I have to get better truly and move on . Sending you hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Hey Justshy, I can share with you that fresh out of rehab, I had no idea what I wanted other than to be clean/sober.
I was just starting to feel emotions that I had stuffed and medicated for years. There were days it was overwhelming to the point I couldn't even identify what I was feeling, and reached out to AA and my sponsor.
He's still wet behind the ears in terms of recovery.
This much I can guarantee you, if you do not work on your own recovery and getting healthy for yourself, the marriage is doomed anyway.
I had to walk away from my EXAH after I completed rehab as he had gone back to drinking/drugging the same day he was discharged from rehab himself (about a week before I went in).
I refuse to hinge my reality and happiness on what someone else is/isn't doing.
Believe me, working on your own recovery will ensure you will be okay no matter what the future brings.
Sending you hugs of support!
I was just starting to feel emotions that I had stuffed and medicated for years. There were days it was overwhelming to the point I couldn't even identify what I was feeling, and reached out to AA and my sponsor.
He's still wet behind the ears in terms of recovery.
This much I can guarantee you, if you do not work on your own recovery and getting healthy for yourself, the marriage is doomed anyway.
I had to walk away from my EXAH after I completed rehab as he had gone back to drinking/drugging the same day he was discharged from rehab himself (about a week before I went in).
I refuse to hinge my reality and happiness on what someone else is/isn't doing.
Believe me, working on your own recovery will ensure you will be okay no matter what the future brings.
Sending you hugs of support!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
No, don't give up on you, get healthy for you, for your children. Lead by example. If you both get healthy, there may be a chance that the marriage will survive, only time will tell. In the mean time, do what you have to do, nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, make tomorrow a better day for you, take control of your life.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
Keep posting, we are here for you.
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