everyone wanting SO much of me-thoughts?
 

I'm the girl that everyone turns to when they need a shoulder to cry on, a problem talked out, or an ear to listen. Even strangers in line at the store, or in a restaurant. I am told that I have an uplifting presence. The problem being that currently in my life I can't take on anyone else's pain. I feel selfish, but I don't have room for it in my life right now. A very dear friend from years and years ago has recently made contact. The hr we talked on the phone was 90% of him talking about all the problems he has...and there are A LOT of them. I don't want his baggage; I don't want anyone's baggage -- h#!!...I don't want MY OWN BAGGAGE.
Then I feel awful for not being sympathatic; not being a good friend; not being available for others. Yet every time the phone rings...I just think..really? what now?

Am I being awful? Selfish?
Insight (even painful) welcomed.
Thanks

You sound like me a few years ago. I didnt know I was co dependent. I couldve written your post and the sad thing we dont see at first is people do what you let them.

I wasnt just a codie with my husband, with family, friends, etc...start trying to set some healthy boundaries. I still struggle because i always want to help but in the end it just hurts me..

Take care of yourself.

I don't think you are being selfish, at all.

Sometimes we all reach the limit for pain and heartache and just cannot hear any More, even if it is someone else's. I am fortunate to have some great friends who let me vent and also who happen to have very blissful lives at the moment (new marriage, new babies, etc). For years, I have been the friend that they have ran to. It's nice to have them to lean on.

Sometimes, when it has gotten to be too much for me, I just say " this topic is so draining....have you seen any good movies lately". (Or books, or vacation plans, etc... Anything uplifting).

No you aren't being selfish, but you have established a pattern to others that you are a fixer - so they are just doing what seems natural to them and what they have already done before which is to call you when they need help or advice.

How to change that without coming across as rude? Gently telling someone that you have more on your own plate than you can handle right now, and while you care you just can't deal with anymore than what's doing on in your own life.

I could have written your post! I also am the shoulder to cry on with my friends -- and often the only sane one in my AH's family so they all try to lean on me as well. It's just too much sometimes. My therapist recommended a good book called Boundaries (by Cloud and Townsend) which is helping me learn ways to say "I can't help you" without feeling extremely guilty about it -- and feeling like I am a mean,selfish person. I'll warn you that it does have a religious context so if you aren't into that you may not find the book helpful. Amazon has a preview if you wanted to check out a few pages.

With that said, you are not alone in feeling this way. Many of us struggle with the same feelings. Though it feels selfish, you do need to take care of your own emotional needs first -- otherwise you aren't good to anyone if you are feeling resentful. Hang in there...

I am greatly comforted by religious context; I've rediscovered Church and my HP brings great relief to me. Thank you for the suggestion. I will read it next. Currently reading Breaking the Betrayal Bond.

Wow do I know this feeling and please don't take this wrong but we do this to ourselves, self inflicted wounds!

One of my beat friends and business partner have me a dose of hard truth last year because he cares. He did that I was taking on so much from others that I was dropping too many things and giving some folks the reverse impression that I did not care. He was right.
I trust him enough to listen closely whn he is critical because he's smart as hell and has a psych degree.

Another friend has spent a lot of time working on boundaries. When our group would go out she was always the one to say "I don't want to do that" when one of the strong personalities wanted to go someplace none of us wanted to go. She was also the best about showing up when she said she would for something. She had spent a couple years focused on setting boundaries.

What ties it all together for me was an admonition I got at age 15 when taking Advanced Lifesaving. The instructor said that a drowning swimmer sees you as an island and will climb on top of you and drown you if you are not cautious. His first rule was "Don't drown or you are both F---ed !"

He was right.

I changed my management style at work first. Two of my department heads fighting and running to me? Sit them together in a room and lay what they've Sid on the table and solve it for them once. Then say next time I want to hear what they've done to solve it before escalating. That's uncomfortable for people ...they learned to be selective.

In my personal life it's been harder but I've at least stopped interpreting every complaint as an order for me to fix it. Instead of saying I will fix it I'm learning to acknowledge it then say nothing or just flat out tell them to fix it.

This is one of those many things that is very simple to fix but not easy to fix. All it takes is learning to say "I'm sorry, I can't commit to that right now unless I can unload something", "I'd rather not so that", "I'm sorry to hear that" or anything other than "I got it - let me fix it for you!".

There are some good books out there on setting boundaries without guilt. I have to master this if I am ever to have a serene life and I am working on it.

It's nice to be the hero, we all need affirmation and need to feel needed and valued but nobody should need or value is nearly as much a we value ourselves. My logic knows that. Convincing my gut is tough but the good bed is that we can control this one.

Don't want to put up with an alcoholic? Stop doing it.
Tired of other people dumping their work on you? Don't accept it.
Tired of people running over you with selfish demands? Say no.

Again, simple and easy are not the same thing. I'd suggest looking at your relationships one at a time. How many are one way? Who are the energy sinks in your life? Some people are emotional vampires if you allow them to be - they will suck your energy.

You really can ignore a ringing phone or a answer email twice per day rather than responding to everything instantly but it takes practice. The bad news is that you allow this, the good news is that you can stop.

So my question: can you list five things YOU can do to make this better for you? Forget others for a moment - focus on your needs. Five things...

Ignore iPhones decisions to garble my words, I am not drink!

I read this yesterday.

Language of Letting Go - January 12 - Finding Balance
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go

Finding Balance

The goal of recovery is balance - that precious middle ground.

Many of us have gone from one extreme to another: years of taking care of everyone but ourselves, followed by a time of refusing to focus on anyone's needs but our own.

We may have spent years refusing to identify, feel, and deal with our feelings, followed by a period of absolute obsession with every trace of emotional energy that passes through our body.

We may succumb to powerlessness, helplessness, and victimization, then we swing to the other extreme by aggressively wielding power over those around us.

We can learn to give to others while taking responsibility for ourselves. We can learn to take care of our feelings, as well as our physical, mental, and spiritual needs. We can nurture the quiet confidence of owning our power as equals in our relationships with others.

The goal of recovery is balance, but sometimes we get there by going to extremes.

Today, I will be gentle with myself, understanding that sometimes to reach the middle ground of balance, I need to explore the peaks and valleys. Sometimes, the only way I can extricate myself from a valley is to jump high enough to land on a peak, and then slowly ease myself down.

From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.

I have found a well-timed "I will pray for you" works perfectly! (And I do that!) If you are inclined, give it to God to sort out!

You know... someone said something to me last week that really hit home. And I think it's relevant. Somehow.

She said "I thought being there for other people and helping them solve their problems would meet my needs. But it didn't. It just made me sick. The problem is, when I back off and try to not follow my instincts to give advice and spend hours listening, etc... I'm stuck with myself."

Boy did that hit like a dagger for me! I could very clearly see that I am spending (wasting?) time worrying about other people in large part because.... it gives me something to do and a very honorable excuse to not clean out my own closet, so to speak.

I don't see focusing on your own needs as being selfish. I see it as necessary. And I've actively tried to avoid it because it's easier to have solutions for other people's problems...