Audrey1

I agree! We always had excellent rumpy-pumpy, but my partner was concerned (and told by his therapist) that his sobriety would put a dampener on things for a while. We were both pleased to discover things have been quite the contrary. Nice...

No problems about the accidental hijack, Poh'sFriend. I actually almost did that with one of your threads the other day myself. I guess we're in a similar situation.

Thanks everyone for your frank comments. I especially appreciate the RAs who have provided insight. I seem to remember a call for possible space to chat among both RAs and the partners of AAs and RAs to better understand each other. Any news on that?

NYCDoglvr

It's impossible to generalize about alcoholics, all are different. In AA's Big Book Bill Wilson says drinking is but a symptom of a much bigger problem. And there's a saying: "if you take alcohol away from a drunken horse thief you have a horse thief". Change takes many years of hard work and motivation. Be sceptical of words and empty promise, this person must prove you can trust him. Also, ask yourself why you're still interested in being with someone who caused such destruction in your life.

Katiekate

It's incredibly exhausting for me to think that someone in early recovery from alcoholism is interested in marriage and kids.

Sobriety if first first first.

For me there would have to action upon action upon action for me to build trust.

It's just selfish thinking on his part and probably an opportunity to get his hook back in you.

Rosiepetal

Great questions.
My xabf has been sober for 17 days only. Anything could happen from here.
He may stay sober, he may relapse.
We have seen each other & I have offered my support.
I have made it quite clear that he must focus on himself & recovery.
He made the decision to give up on his own.
I am not prepared to risk my own recovery by getting codependent again.
I am stepping back & being cautious, letting him take responsibility for his life while I do the same with mine.
It's not easy.
When we came together it was like we never split but then again some words exchanged made me realise that our previous relationship was probably foggy in his head so reality has it that you do have to start all over & learn who the recovering alcoholic is. This is incredibly hard if they don't even know themselves. I believe this is why AA recommend relationships only after 1 year.
This situation is purely a one day at a time situation.
As I said to him, forget the past, forget the future & live in the present.

alia

What an interesting couple of question. My RABF has been sober for a year and a half. He has not only had to adapt to an alcohol-free lifestyle but in a lot of ways he has had to redefine himself and his idea of fun. Since his sobriety we have been through our share of ups and downs. I have images STUCK in my head and he blacked out so he cant share any of these.

I think its interesting because during his drinking, we were so codependent and constantly intertwined with each others' changes. Now i feel like we are on two separate healing paths but still at each others sides. It took him until last month to realize that as much as he is ready for us to go back to normal, there is still a lot of healing to be done on both ends. There are times where I feel crazy insecurity and he looks at me like I'm crazy. To be honest, I feel crazy. But then I realize that my insecurities are rooted in my past experiences with him (verbal abuse).

He used to think that not drinking was enough. That was all that he had to do. It wasnt until recently that that he realized that we are both sacrificing and compromising to make this work. We both have to be accountable for our actions. Things don't just go back to being normal. There is a lot of trauma...For a while, I would use guilt as a tool to manipulate him into doing what I wanted. Very strange dynamics get created - you either have to decide its worth investing time to fix this, or move on with your life.

As for getting to know each other again, I can't lie - it has its perks. We have really been able to find new and healthy activities to share together. We have a deeper connection because we have seen each other through a lot. Sometimes it gets frustrating because I want to be in a "normal" relationship although I'm realizing that I don't think that exists ha....

I think we got to know each other and ourselves all over again. I had to remind myself what my needs, values, and beliefs are and he had to basically restructure his lifestyle. I look at him with such admiration - he has been working at this since he was 23 years old.

Just remind each other that patience is key. It sounds like you are really sticking to your guns on not jumping into marriage or starting a family. It is important that in this healing time that you do you own individual healing as well as participating in a joint healing process.

alia

Also, this is a crucial time to set up boundaries with him so that he knows you are not his scapegoat, doormat, or any other outlet. He must continue to be responsible for himself, and you for yourself. It took me and my RABF a long time to find that balance. Too much support, no support?! You'll figure it out if you both are willing and continue communicating.

Audrey1

Excellent advice, Rosiepetal. If only it didn't keep coming up and biting me on the bum!

Today, I ran into three mutual friends I hadn't seen since the big November blow up that resulted in me leaving my partner. I was a mess that night, crying and shaking in front of people which is a rare moment of weakness for me. My partner, meanwhile, was still on the dancefloor thrashing about, oblivious to the fact that I was even upset.

The stupid thing is, I found myself struggling to see these people again. I was embarrassed about what had happened etc. I realise I still have quite a way to go in terms of coming to grips with our problems no longer being a dark and nasty secret. Until that night, these friends had all seen us as the golden couple.

My partner was also with me when we ran into these friends. However, although he must have felt a lot worse than I did to see these people again for the first time, he dealt with it really well. He comforted me later and told me he was glad that night happened as it was the thing that finally put him on the right track. He said that although that night (and all the other awful night before that) will always be on his mind, that they were now in the past, and that we should just focus on being happy now... in the present. His growth in this respect is really, really heartening for me.