Justshy

So, last time I posted, I was sitting in my daughters room with the door shut, crying, while my RAH moved out "for awhile" to "get healthy". After he left, I sent out a text to my 5 closest friends (who had no idea about any of this even though its been my life for 5-10 years) explaining what was going on. I immediately received a ton of supportive texts and calls and offers for help. That coupled with all of the great responses here on SR led to a pretty good couple of days. I've been reading in my Al-Anon books and my Codependent No More book and have attended 2 Al-anon meetings. My main problem is patience. I recogniz that a lot of my Codie behavior caused problems, I recognize what I did wrong over the past 5-10 years, and I want to fix it RIGHT NOW! I also have control issues and as I see/hear my Mother-in-law making decisions for my husband I want to say "Look, she is doing the same thing I did! She is trying to control you!" When my husband says things like...it's your fault I have to move out. My doctor says you are toxic and I may relapse in this environment...I want to say...wait, he hasn't heard my side of it! I want to say to my husband...are you sure you are "doing" AA right? Because if you were, you wouldn't be blaming me for everything or saying that I caused you to drink more or more often. Etc. I know I need to (for lack of a better phrase) take a chill pill, work on myself, let God do his thing and see where this all goes. Easier said than done. I want to know NOW that our marriage will survive. I want to know WHEN he will move back. I want to have all of the answers right now. I totally "get" that I can't know any of that right now...but how do I get from "getting it" to accepting it and moving forward?

Tuffgirl

There's no one set way to achieve acceptance and feel good about it. I personally consider it a process we go through over time. But one thing that helped me was acknowledging my feelings like you did above. Knowing its ok - others have felt the same way - and also knowing I don't need to act on any of those emotions and thoughts. I can accept them, feel them, hate them, and not act on them.

Each day that goes by gets easier. Fill your time with your support system (very good thing to let folks know...secrets keep us sick), focusing on yourself, doing things you enjoy, hobbies, exercise, etc. Don't allow yourself too much time to "think", or should I say "over-think" it all.

One day at a time, justshy. I am amazed at how much in my life works its own self out without my interference. Having patience is important.

marie1960

Hey Justshy, glad to hear you reached out to friends. Also glad to hear you had a few good days.

Now comes the challenging part. I can only speak from personal experience. It was the not knowing that drove me crazy.

I had to let go of any and all expectation, so while letting go of expectations was to help overcome disappointment, it actually left me feeling quite negative. AND i hated all the negative vibes i was projecting......, while it is perfectly natural to be very emotional, you cannot let it consume you.

So the next baby step I took was to actually do something that I had actually control over.

What makes us so crazy with an active alkie is the total lack of security they offer. A relationship is supposed to be fulfilling to BOTH people.

I had to stop looking to him for my happiness and security. This was no longer about him it was now about me.

Take this time and opportunity to find you. Remember it doesn't matter how many times life knocks you down, what matters is how many times you actually get up.

Stay in your today, if you continue the need for instant answers, i can assure you all you will have is instant disappointment.

One foot in front of the other, just for today.

Seren

Hello justshy,

I remembered this thread by one of our other members and thought it might be helpful. It's called The Skill of Radical Acceptance. Accepting the reality of our lives and our powerlessness over the alcoholic is just the beginning of this road.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cceptance.html

m1k3

Hi justshy, what I remember working for me is diving head first into my recovery. The advice I got here and in Al-Anon was to focus on fixing me before before I turned my attention to any of the other craziness in my life. It worked and now almost 2years later it is still my main focus.

I can tell you this, it does get easier and it does get better.

Your friend,