Attraction to the A
 

I've heard other people say this and I'm beginning to see its true in me. I'm very, very physically and emotionally attracted to my AH, despite all the dysfunction and despite all the nightmarish things he's put me through.

The intimacy in our relationship ended several years ago, not for my lack of trying or interest. That became a very painful part of our relationship even in the beginnings of his recovery.

A therapist told me, "It's just pheromones!" But nonetheless it's there. What is that about? And how do you manage these idle feelings?

Ok, Florence, stop it now, I know how it feels, btdt. It's an addiction that we have. We want the one that hurt us to make us better.

D@mn, I'm divorced for 4 years, I still find my ex physically and sexually attractive.

Isn't that why we married them?

But why did we have to leave them? Remember that

Oh, btw, I got kittens a few months ago, one of them does look like your avatar, a little longer haired, but just a devil in disguise.

Mind blowing passion and attraction aren't enough....

....but it beats the hell out of ambivalence;-)

I read a book in Barnes and Noble yesterday called How to Break your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern - some super great info about this. I would highly recommend it to anyone . I was so enthralled I read the whole thing in the store and saved a few bucks :-)

Redheadsusie----Any good pointers to share? :) I hate the pain of it. So frustrating.

"We want the one that hurt us to make us feel better."

That's precisely it. Exactly it. I struggle with this in all kinds of arenas, and letting go of that need has been so difficult. Sigh.

Maybe you're a masochist? ;-)

Wow, that hit me the wrong way.


Florence, I do know what you are talking about. I think it's about validation. Can't think of a better word to describe it.

But yes, we did (do) love them. I can only speak for me.

I don't recall your whole story. I don't know if your ex is in recovery or not. So I really don't know how to respond.

Just know that the feelings that you have are normal.

Sorry I didn't mean any offense. I have certainly been there myself and wondered why I kept going back to someone who hurt me.

Really, truly, I don't think that you meant that. I know that is how I felt a lot also.

I was just expressing how it would come off to me.

We're good, right??????

My favorite was the idea was to wear a rubber band on your wrist - kind of a tight one - and when you start having mushy thoughts about in my case my AH who I have asked to move out - You pop the hell out of that rubber band to shock yourself back to reality. For me it is a about retraining my brain- and reminding myself of the reasons I asked him to leave I don't know 5 times. He is my addiction - he is bad for me and I am sure I am bad for him but my concern is me now and if I have to bruised my little tiny wrist from popped it to pieces to remind myself to get a grip - I will.

Florence.....
Regarding the therapist's comment about pheromones...pheromones are chemicals the body gives off that stimulate the sexual response to SMELL.

I think maybe the therapist meant endorphins' brain chemicals that are sti.ulated in response to cuddling, exercise, and other activities. So when our brain produces rushes of endorphins, we feel awesome...and it can be an addictive feeling.

Fine. Now that we know about brain chemistry---I still wish it were easier to let go of someone who hurt me repeatedly, rather than the way I cling to memories of those times when my heart burst with attraction to him.

I think there's also the romantic notion that the alcoholic is this beautiful person with a tortured soul, and only we can provide the balm to soothe it. LOL, guess that makes us all a bit balmy!

I am realizing how much I really pitied AH. I wanted to be the one to take the pain away. My damn ego! But also it is along the lines of what others have said - that I wanted nurturing and comfort from the one who was hurting me the most.

Has this really helped you? I tried it once the last time I was involved w/ an addict before I married another addict, but I didn't stick with it. Maybe I should try again haha.

Weird... when Poh first started expressing a desire to spend her life with me I didn't quite believe it.... needed to see her get to where she didn't need me and still wanted me.

Finally dawning on me that she genuinely loves me every bit as much as I love her. I must love her... 3:47 and I just got up to take out the trash ;-)